"I didn't tell you b/c I didn't want to hurt your feelings"

[Blaze]

And that is one of the reasons why we are not compatible.

exactly. BG, you sound just like my SEI friend. Although he hasn't even said it in that many words (and would never) but I know that's what he's thinking. It's so obvious. And that's how he treats his wife too. I suppose she's okay with it (INFj)? Ugh, would drive me crazy. In fact, when I ask his opinion on stuff, if he has a negative opinion, he doesn't even bother to reply (email) but ignores the question! As if I'm that fragile. Give me a break. I wouldn't ask for his opinion if I was only prepared for a positive response. How on earth can we be real friends if he refuses to be honest?

as if!! lol i love that expression.

infp man did this too. then i just said c'mon man, it's me. just tell me i'm not gonna get that upset. if i do get upset then say, "wtf why are you getting upset? it's no big deal." if it is a big deal then we'll deal with it. i'm not gonna run around chasing you with a frying pan or anything like that. *shrugs* he's getting better.

honestly... after reading Blaz... I mean Sunshine Livelys :wink: response that sounds like something I'd totally enjoy hearing. Like it would be one of those killr warm fuzzy moments to hear. I think in a way that's almost what i'm fishing for by being indirect.... the go-ahead that it's ok to be direct (but it needs to be done in a way like she described, somehow that makes it silly and takes the pressure off) there just might be something to this socionics stuff

although I'd still be careful about telling her about her sister

Yeah, I liked her response too. I can see how that would take the pressure off and lighten things up.

thanks guys.... nice to hear that sometimes i say things that sound OK....lol

[FDG]

ok so how would you people feel about somebody actually saying "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset with me" or "I didn't tell you because I didn't feel like it"?

I think it's still a bad reason. If you're in a relationship with someone, you have to be willing to work through these types of things without tip-toeing around each other.

fwiw, I think SEIs do this. (the whole "I didn't tell you b/c I don't want you to get upset with me" thing)

I am not sure. Say I am ill with high fever and I know my girlfriend will be very worried if she knows. In this case I see nothing wrong withholding information in order not to hurt her feelings, given that I know it's something that will pass.

[redbaron]

ok so how would you people feel about somebody actually saying "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset with me" or "I didn't tell you because I didn't feel like it"?

I think it's still a bad reason. If you're in a relationship with someone, you have to be willing to work through these types of things without tip-toeing around each other.

fwiw, I think SEIs do this. (the whole "I didn't tell you b/c I don't want you to get upset with me" thing)

I am not sure. Say I am ill with high fever and I know my girlfriend will be very worried if she knows. In this case I see nothing wrong withholding information in order not to hurt her feelings, given that I know it's something that will pass.

I guess I don't understand why telling her you have a fever hurts her feelings. It's just letting her know what's going on with you. I mean, I see your point. It's not like you have to divulge every little detail of your bodily functions and the fever thing isn't a big deal but like people have said, it depends on the situation. My husband has a friend who trades options for a living and he's constantly under stress in his job. When he has a horrible day and loses huge amounts of money, he never tells his wife because he doesn't want her to worry and freak out. Things can be really good one day and awful the next. It makes sense to me that he wouldn't share that information with her because she can't handle the emotional rollercoaster.

[Joy]

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings" always sounds like bullshit to me. It's more like "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get upset with me" or something of the like.

And then there is the topic.

I thought that IS what we are talking about. And you indicated above that you don't buy it when people say that the reason they didn't say something was to spare someone's feeling..

I'm confused...

When someone's not full of shit, they won't explain it like that (even if it is true). It might be part of their explanation, but it will be surrounded by other sound "ethical" reasons. For example... "I didn't tell you because you were going through a really difficult time and I thought that telling you then would do more harm than good. I intended on telling you later on when you're not dealing with as much." (Gotta prioritize.) And if it's something like penis/breast/body stuff with partners or potential partners, the only time they'd ever be saying "Why didn't you tell me..." is if someone had told them that you thought that, which would necessitate your having talked about it with other people. In that situation, talking about it at all (especially people that you shouldn't have) was what you did wrong.

I got the distinct impression that UDP's post was about when people hide something that you should know from you either because they don't want you to be upset with them, don't feel like dealing with it, or don't want to get in trouble. I think it goes without saying that not everything that could be said should be in every situation.

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[UDP]

honesty is overrated. sometimes people don't want to hear negative stuff. i find that when people withhold info from me it's mainly because a) it's out of my jurisdiction; b) they really care about me; c) they hate my guts and wish me a horrible death. in all cases i'm often better off not knowing. sometimes knowing too much can act like a Pandora's box on future events and even on your psyche and how you perceive things thereafter.

anyway, when people care, they often try to smoothe out things. it's not necessarily condescending or anything. they might be afraid of your reaction and want to keep the relationship peaceful and whatnot. i used to be way too honest until i discovered the profound benefits of lying.

I guess I am one of those rare few that wants to know anything and everything.

For me, it is learning to deal with other people who.... are different from me. Learning how to hold back, and that some times people really do have good intentions when they don't tell me things. Eventually they get worn down because I don't change, but some sooner than others of course.

[Danielle]

Always break them down more then you lift them up, because the lifting up moments should be naturally better and you shouldn't cheapen them by having them occur as frequently as ripping them a new one.

Interestingly, that's the opposite of my philosophy.

I guess I don't understand why telling her you have a fever hurts her feelings.

Because she empathizes with you. Feels your pain and all that.

When someone's not full of shit, they won't explain it like that (even if it is true). It might be part of their explanation, but it will be surrounded by other sound "ethical" reasons.

This is another example of a difference in type leading to character judgements. I think people who "say mean things because they love you" are full of crap. Apparently, a lot of people in this thread would do that.

I am willing to acknowledge that different people do things differently, and perceive things differently. So someone who says something really negative to you or "tears you down" may really be doing it out of genuine love/good feeling.

Let's see if I can hear that back from some of you other types. The same courtesy please.

[liveandletlive]

what's of importance to me is the context where this statement is said. If it's said after being questioned why they were not told of this that's different than if just brought up 4 no reason without any personal gain in sight.

[FDG]

Always break them down more then you lift them up, because the lifting up moments should be naturally better and you shouldn't cheapen them by having them occur as frequently as ripping them a new one. People love when you fuck em over and show that you can have power over them, in turn it makes the passive person feel the most in power. I think it's hot when people can be all assertive and dominant don't you? Maybe not. Oh well.

Geez, I don't think so. These techniques are easy to recognize and people that use them are easy to be fucked with by playing with the same techniques (or, avoided for the better in case there is no time to waste).

[Blaze]

Always break them down more then you lift them up, because the lifting up moments should be naturally better and you shouldn't cheapen them by having them occur as frequently as ripping them a new one. People love when you fuck em over and show that you can have power over them, in turn it makes the passive person feel the most in power. I think it's hot when people can be all assertive and dominant don't you? Maybe not. Oh well.

Geez, I don't think so. These techniques are easy to recognize and people that use them are easy to be fucked with by playing with the same techniques (or, avoided for the better in case there is no time to waste).

yeah i agree with FDG. the approach seems excessively game-y.