ENFps and accepting particular emotions

[ENFperator]

I have noticed that I have difficulties in accepting particular emotions. I had a period in my life where anger was unacceptable for me, now I’ve realized that I have difficulties to accept excitement. It’s like an alergy. Every time I’m starting to get excited about something I unconsciously turn on the denial mode and become anxious or depressed. This could be one of the explanations for those ENFpish mood swings – the abruptly changing moods.

[Cone]

Let me ask you: do you think it is WRONG to feel excitement? Or whatever emotions you are currently suppressing? I ask this, because I myself tend to suppress depression, crying, and feelings of love, for the reasons that I think depression and crying is weak, and that my feelings of love are wrong.

In this case, I don't think that your problem can be answered by cognitive explanations (i.e. "it's a function thing"). Rather, I think it requires a more social explanation.

[ENFperator]

I'm sure that it has a social explanation. Where I grew up feelings wasn't accepted even forbidden, punished and considered as weakness (for the most part the negative emotions, of course). But I don't consciously think that feeling excitement is wrong. Suppress depression - how can you do that? Isn't depression the process of suppressing feelings? Are you talking about the „real” depression – the emptyness, the sense of not feeling anything or about what I call low spirits. In my previous post I was trying to say it could be that everyone has a blind spot (for example, a particular emotion) that's more vulnerable.

EDITED

[ENFperator]

And it looks like I haven't learned the ABC of emotions, because sometimes I know I feel something, but I'm not sure what.

[Topaz]

And it looks like I haven't learned the ABC of emotions, because sometimes I know I feel something, but I'm not sure what.

I say act on principle and give yourself some time. Sometimes there are no words to describe our inner states. BTW whats the Summer/ Fire/ Yellow thing?

[ENFperator]

[quote="Topaz"]

BTW whats the Summer/ Fire/ Yellow thing?

Summer is my favourite season, fire - my element and yellow - my favourite color (one of my favourites).

[schrödinger's cat]

The only thing I can think of isn't from Socionics, but from Kiersey. He says that xNFx types tend to have this in common: whenever they experience particularly strong emotions, they sort of stand next to themselves and observe it all, thinking things like "is this real enough? Is this really authentic?" etc. He says it can be a bit like this metaphor: the xNFx type is the director, the actor and the audience - he acts, but he also watches himself act, and he tries to "edit" himself into something that's real and authentic enough. (I hope I remember it correctly.) I know what he means, sort of.

Other than that I agree with Cone and Topaz. I had trouble feeling anger and I had trouble accepting some other emotions (shit happens), but it's become easier over time. Once I was far enough away from home and time had passed, it became easier to remember what had happened and why things were the way they were. And that in turn helped resolve all the other stuff.

And it's understandable if we have trouble accepting our excitability, isn't it? After all, others often have great trouble accepting our excitability. They think it's a bit silly or shallow. So censor ourselves or feel like freaks. My Mum is very cautious and always used to quote a proverb (rough translation: "over-excitedness seldom ends in anything other than tears"). And when I was small, our kindergarden teacher asked all of us what jobs we wanted to do when we were grown-ups, and everybody said things like "nurse" or "pilot", only I said "a singer or a dancer", and everybody laughed. See what I mean? It was nothing major, but such things add up and you end up thinking that perhaps it's better to be a bit more "realistic" and "down to earth". --- BTW, that's why I loved getting to know a few people from Argentinia, Colombia and the US. Sometimes it's nice not to be the most excitable person in the room.

And why is it peanut butter jelly time?

[Artemis]

Let me ask you: do you think it is WRONG to feel excitement?

Yeah, maybe. I have a hard time squealching excitement. It rises up and overwhelms me and embarrasses me greatly. I lose control and that upsets me a great deal. I want to be able to control the degree of my emotion and not have it overwhelm me as it does. Joy (the emotion, ha!) does the same thing. Anger and hate I have complete control over.

[Joy]

I can't seem to be mad at people. I also don't like excepting certain other feelings because I don't trust me. ahahahah

gah

nm

[jessica129]

I have very hard time keeping my anger under control. I dont know if it's a 'type' thing or not, but I get overwhelmed and start to see red. I subject those around me to very brutal language....things just come out of my mouth and I cannot control it. It's quite embarassing. I've done it to police officers on more than one occasion. Why I wasn't arrested is beyond me. Ha. I guess i shouldn't laugh about it though, it causes me a lot of unnecessary stress and embarrasment.

[ENFperator]

The only thing I can think of isn't from Socionics, but from Kiersey. He says that xNFx types tend to have this in common: whenever they experience particularly strong emotions, they sort of stand next to themselves and observe it all, thinking things like " is this real enough? Is this really authentic?" etc.

Yes, I’m really thinking things like that, but I never really paid attention to that before, because I considered that relative insignificant. I have to admit that at times I question the authenticity of my feelings.

[schrödinger's cat]

I do that too. Sometimes it puts me under a strange kind of pressure, especially when I go on and think about whether my feelings are the right sort. Like, too trite, too unethical, too detached, not detached enough...

[Darklord]

When it comes to straight-out emotions, I don't detect them very often, and even when they are at their strongest, it doesn't feel like they are thorough. It feels more like a thin and fragile eggshell around the rest of me than anything else. And when my emotions are at their strongest, I still have trouble expressing them. Last time I cried, I forced myself to because I didn't miss home and my family even after four months away. The first time I've left my home for more than a weekend without any family member nearby ever, except for two weeks when I was around 10 that left me a total mess of homesickness. Last time I showed anger, I made the conscious decision to, in order to let somebody know they had crossed a line. Other than that, the only time I've really shown emotion in the last two years was when I was convinced that my great-great-grandmother was going to die.
In fact, I feel the emotions of others stronger than my own.
This has lead me to believe that I probably either have some kind of personality disorder or mental dysfunction, a very mild depression, or a brain malfunction. The fact that none of those possibilities distress me speaks for itself .

[Megan]

I am not particularly in touch with my emotions either. I have to make a conscious but straightforward effort to identify what I feel; this usually involves using a journal. What I find particularly difficult is to identify when I first start disliking someone and this can be problematic. I too feel others emotions faster than I feel my own but I have deep knowledge of my principles and I am genuinely interested and concerned about the emotional well being of people who are not happy or functioning well.
I have what I think is a very unfair professional reputation in real life as being potentially ruthless, cold and nearly totally lacking in emotions because I do not publicly express emotions.

Like Darklord, the last time my emotions absolutely escaped my control was when a close relative died. That was truly frightening because no matter how much I tried to regain emotional control, I just spun around in a very uncomfortable state for weeks, could not feel the "ground" under me and then I entered into a very sad and poetic/artistic phase.

Even though I am not depressed, very disordered and was not raised in the XSTj hell some have described, I think a combination of hyper self awareness and growing up in a family dominated by calm logical types pushed me towards being uncomfortable with too much emotionality, positive or negative, in my self. Highly emotional people, including those very prone to anger, seem volatile and out of control to me. Extremely bubbly people sort of over stimulate and irritate me after a while and if I get overly bubbly I feel a bit unstable and think someone/something is coming with a big giant pin to try and burst my bubble very shortly.
I rather like having in between moods mostly.

In my opinion, emotions should not be suppressed indefinately (they are actually very useful), but I think ways should be found to adequately acknowledge and express them.

[ENFperator]

In my opinion, emotions should not be suppressed indefinately (they are actually very useful), but I think ways should be found to adequately acknowledge and express them.

You are feeling depressed, because you choke your feelings with thoughts, try to focus more on your emotions – think less. Why don’t you just make a conscious decision and express your feelings? I think you have hard time expressing emotions, because you have a habit of acting cold. I would suggest you to replace the existing habit with a new and more positive one. I have tried this and it seems to help.

[Megan]

You are feeling depressed, because you choke your feelings with thoughts, try to focus more on your emotions – think less. Why don’t you just make a conscious decision and express your feelings? I think you have hard time expressing emotions, because you have a habit of acting cold. I would suggest you to replace the existing habit with a new and more positive one. I have tried this and it seems to help.

How best can I say this? In light of you not understanding my meanings I cannot say that I appreciate your suggestions. I have encountered what I see as intrusive internet "psychoanalysis" yet again from another "reading between the lines" ENFp who seems to know "best" and this is somewhat irritating.

[ENFperator]

Sorry for the "intrusive internet "psychoanalysis"" . These are actually suggestions I've heard from INFjs, I mean that's what they said. Of course I don't know what is best for you, but I thought this could help.

[Megan]

Sorry for the "intrusive internet "psychoanalysis"" . These are actually suggestions I've heard from INFjs, I mean that's what they said. Of course I don't know what is best for you, but I thought this could help.

ENFperator please don't be . If I was actually depressed or over thought my feelings then your suggestions might have helped. I do not over think my feelings, I just do not immediately recognise them and when I do make the effort to acknowledge them, I usually find a way to appropriately express them rather than just allowing them to lead me into any old action or whim. I imagine that this seems too controlled, but I prefer to let my values and goals lead me into action more often than my feelings alone. I maybe wrong, but I do not think that always following feelings is a good idea for anyone, I have seen that practice put people in a whole lot of unnecessary problems. However, I think always listening to (but not necessarily acting upon) and giving some sort of uncensored voice to one's feelings is very important and healthy.
Though I have had occasional bad days, worry a bit too much at times or sad through the death of a relative etc, I have never suffered from depression and from what I have seen, I hope never to, not even for the enhanced awareness/creativity it often gives. I think I am just naturally reserved through maybe upbringing or genitics. I am not personally dissatisfied with my reserve- it is my natural comfortable state, but IRL, some people, particularly more expressive kinds, mistake it for something else like coldness or uncaring etc.
I guess what I need to find is a way to keep my natural reserve while not appearing uncaring.

[Megan]

ENFperator

I cannot relate to any thing much on that site. I have always been contented with my life most times. There is at least one highly respected psychiatrist (Dr. Raj Persaud and his book is called Staying Sane) in Europe who thinks that people who are generally the most emotionally content overall are people who live in the mid point of emotional ranges most times. From my experience, I am inclined to agree with this. Nearly, all the persons around me who are prone to having extreme emotional highs seem just as prone to deep downs in equal or even greater measures for some reason that I have not quite worked out. Dr Persaud however, has some interesting theories about this. I have this horrible feeling that I might be coming of as emotional dead or out of touch with my deeper feelings, but it is not really like that. Honestly, ENFperator, living in the middle is really not as bad as it sounds, being this way has kept me in a state of contentment (most times), emotional stability and consistent productivity that some people seem not to be able to find as easily.

[ENFperator]

Let me ask you: do you think it is WRONG to feel excitement?

Yes, it seems that a part of me is thinking that. I have thought a lot about this in the last weeks and remembered one very unpleasant event that caused me think some of my feelings are wrong and inadequate and that something is wrong with me. It’s very likely that this is the main reason for my anxiety and mood swings and I wasn’t aware of this for about 10 years!

[jewels]

I have noticed that I have difficulties in accepting particular emotions. I had a period in my life where anger was unacceptable for me, now I’ve realized that I have difficulties to accept excitement. It’s like an alergy. Every time I’m starting to get excited about something I unconsciously turn on the denial mode and become anxious or depressed. This could be one of the explanations for those ENFpish mood swings – the abruptly changing moods.

I'm an ENFP and I can totally understand this!

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?" Even though I've read a lot of posts saying ENTJs are hard to deal with, I like it. Sort of challenging. But it can be tough on the senstive ENFPs feelings.

I think part of it is that I'm so focused on the other person, and I can see their point of view so clearly, that sometimes I forget to notice my own point of view.

For example, I dated an ESFP longterm and if he said something that pissed me off, I'd end up feeling bad for him! I'd end up helping him feel better, even though he upset me in the first place! Anyone with anything similar?

Also, do any other ENFPs out there have trouble letting go of past relationships that didn't work out? Even though I date a lot, I fixate on someone in the past that didn't work out and assume they were the best ever.

This is my first post ever! I'm excited.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi jewels, congratulations on your first post ever.

I agree, ENTJs are challenging in a nice way. A close friend of mine is ENTJ, and with her I can talk about all the brainy geeky stuff other types hate. It gets exhausting after a while, yes, and it's better to be prepared to have one's sensitivity a bit trodden on. But all in all, I think ENTJs are great.

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?"

I do that all the time. First I feel upset, or sad, or as if there's some problem somewhere. Then I think about it and (with a bit of luck) find out why I'm feeling this. It's like Spiderman in the comic books - didn't he have some sixth sense that warned him of danger?

I think part of it is that I'm so focused on the other person, and I can see their point of view so clearly, that sometimes I forget to notice my own point of view.

For example, I dated an ESFP longterm and if he said something that pissed me off, I'd end up feeling bad for him! I'd end up helping him feel better, even though he upset me in the first place! Anyone with anything similar?

Yes. It even happens that I feel another person's feelings before (and instead) of my own. That's why I keep a diary. I won't ever read it again, so it's a total waste of time, but it helps me discover how I feel about certain situations and people. I need to talk to someone or to write stuff down to really see how I feel. Otherwise I'm too easily influenced by others, or by what I "ought to" feel, or by what I "must not" think. (Like, "oh, but I mustn't be angry with her, I like her a lot, she's lovely, I don't want to hurt her, she's probably got good reasons for what she said.")

[Expat]

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?"

That is precisely my reaction and I find it unfathomable, honestly. If you don't know why you're upset, won't you sometimes be mistaken as to the reason and take incorrect actions?

Would that also apply to ISFjs, for instance, and other types?

[Topaz]

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?"

That is precisely my reaction and I find it unfathomable, honestly. If you don't know why you're upset, won't you sometimes be mistaken as to the reason and take incorrect actions?

Would that also apply to ISFjs, for instance, and other types?

This has not been my experience. At least I havent noticed it as of yet. I usually know what Im feeling and why except on those days when I wake up in a depressed mood. I usually can shake it once I start interacting with people or get busy but sometimes it just lingers there. Its usually attatched to several things and not just one. For example If I have papers due for a particular class and I really, really dont want to do them and on top of that something else is going on that I hate to do like get and oil change on my car or go to the dentist or something. I know this is true because once the paper is done or the event has passed I get a surge of energy. Usually solitary activities on things that I dont find interesting can make me feel depressed.

[Darklord]

I know I feel 'up' or 'down'. I don't know exactly how I feel, and I usually have no idea why.
Can you see how that would be hard to act on?

[schrödinger's cat]

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?"

That is precisely my reaction and I find it unfathomable, honestly. If you don't know why you're upset, won't you sometimes be mistaken as to the reason and take incorrect actions?

I would be if I made no effort to find out why I'm upset. Let me use a metaphor: imagine you come home and instantly you smell something really really bad. Could be the drains, could be the garbage, could be something dead decomposing somewhere. So you go and examine things. It's a bit like that. Sometimes you don't have to be in every room to see if something's wrong; sometimes things get so nasty that you smell them while you're still unlocking the door.

This might sound unrealistic, as though we're doing it "the wrong way round". But it can actually be very effective. I've learned to take it seriously.

[Tepa]

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?"

That is precisely my reaction and I find it unfathomable, honestly. If you don't know why you're upset, won't you sometimes be mistaken as to the reason and take incorrect actions?

Would that also apply to ISFjs, for instance, and other types?

I do this too (and I'm probably INFj). I'll know that something is wrong before I know exactly what I feel. When I know what I feel, I'll try to find out why. When I know why I feel a certain way I (usually) either start feeling better automatically, know what I need to do to start feeling better/return to normal, or find it easier to accept what I'm feeling.

If I don't try hard enough to find the reasons, I do make mistakes and sometimes take the wrong actions, but I usually try not to act unless I know why what's wrong. (And I can't explain how I know when I understand it more than I've already done, but I do.)

The metaphor schrödinger's cat put up seems like a good explanation.

(It works with other people too, if I understand why they did something that hurt me or made me angry, I usually stop feeling upset, and even if I don't, understanding why takes the edge off of it.)

[schrödinger's cat]

When I know why I feel a certain way I (usually) either start feeling better automatically, know what I need to do to start feeling better/return to normal, or find it easier to accept what I'm feeling.

(It works with other people too, if I understand why they did something that hurt me or made me angry, I usually stop feeling upset, and even if I don't, understanding why takes the edge off of it.)

Same here.

[schrödinger's cat]

Sorry, that was me. Got logged out.

BTW, I've made an ENFP empathy joke, and I'm lousy at telling jokes so I'm pretty sure the poor thing will fall flat on its face. Nevertheless, here goes. How many ENFPs does it take to change a lightbulb? - None. It's more important to accept the lightbulb the way it really is.

[schrödinger's cat]

We could make those jokes for all the types. Like: How many ISFJs does it take to change a lightbulb? - "Change?!"

...oh, okay, I'll shut up.

[FDG]

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?" Even though I've read a lot of posts saying ENTJs are hard to deal with, I like it. Sort of challenging. But it can be tough on the senstive ENFPs feelings.

Ah! I do this all the time with my ENFP friend.

She seems somewhat to appreciate, because others are not so obnoxiously perpexled about not knowing why.

[FDG]

We could make those jokes for all the types. Like: How many ISFJs does it take to change a lightbulb? - "Change?!"

...oh, okay, I'll shut up.

This is more ISTJ.


For the ISFJ...."Light-what??Ask ISTPson!"

[Tepa]

is too cute

/offtopic

[jewels]

schrödinger's cat,
Thanks for the comments. That's cool you've had similar experience with ENTJs. I love talking about theories with them.

I liked the way you described not knowing what you're feeling as far as a 6th sense like spiderman. I would say it's like that. I'll have to try keeping a journal like you said to help figure it out.

I wonder if there's a way to speed up figuring out what you're feeling. because I hate to know I'm upset with someone, but not be able to put my finger on it at the time. But maybe that's just a limitation of this type?

I don't think I'm doing these quote things right. I wonder if I'm suppose to click the quote button, hmm..

Hi jewels, congratulations on your first post ever.

I agree, ENTJs are challenging in a nice way. A close friend of mine is ENTJ, and with her I can talk about all the brainy geeky stuff other types hate. It gets exhausting after a while, yes, and it's better to be prepared to have one's sensitivity a bit trodden on. But all in all, I think ENTJs are great.

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?"

I do that all the time. First I feel upset, or sad, or as if there's some problem somewhere. Then I think about it and (with a bit of luck) find out why I'm feeling this. It's like Spiderman in the comic books - didn't he have some sixth sense that warned him of danger?

I think part of it is that I'm so focused on the other person, and I can see their point of view so clearly, that sometimes I forget to notice my own point of view.

For example, I dated an ESFP longterm and if he said something that pissed me off, I'd end up feeling bad for him! I'd end up helping him feel better, even though he upset me in the first place! Anyone with anything similar?

Yes. It even happens that I feel another person's feelings before (and instead) of my own. That's why I keep a diary. I won't ever read it again, so it's a total waste of time, but it helps me discover how I feel about certain situations and people. I need to talk to someone or to write stuff down to really see how I feel. Otherwise I'm too easily influenced by others, or by what I "ought to" feel, or by what I "must not" think. (Like, "oh, but I mustn't be angry with her, I like her a lot, she's lovely, I don't want to hurt her, she's probably got good reasons for what she said.")

[jewels]

I can see that. So I'm curious how ENTJs and other thinkers know what they're feeling instantly.

Is it really feeling? Or is this a logical response?

Seems to me that logic is clear with right and wrong answers, where emotion is muddied and confusing. But of course, that's from my perspective as an F.

I'm wondering if other T types are always clear on what they feel, or if they're clear on the logic, but just don't notice or care about feelings.

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?" Even though I've read a lot of posts saying ENTJs are hard to deal with, I like it. Sort of challenging. But it can be tough on the senstive ENFPs feelings.

Ah! I do this all the time with my ENFP friend.

She seems somewhat to appreciate, because others are not so obnoxiously perpexled about not knowing why.

[FDG]

I can see that. So I'm curious how ENTJs and other thinkers know what they're feeling instantly.

Is it really feeling? Or is this a logical response?

Seems to me that logic is clear with right and wrong answers, where emotion is muddied and confusing. But of course, that's from my perspective as an F.

I'm wondering if other T types are always clear on what they feel, or if they're clear on the logic, but just don't notice or care about feelings.

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?" Even though I've read a lot of posts saying ENTJs are hard to deal with, I like it. Sort of challenging. But it can be tough on the senstive ENFPs feelings.

Ah! I do this all the time with my ENFP friend.

She seems somewhat to appreciate, because others are not so obnoxiously perpexled about not knowing why.

How do I feel an emotion is muddled and confused. I may not know if I am really "sad", or "anxious", or whatever.

However, Why I do feel something is never confused; there is always a cause that makes my mood change. It has never happened to me to wake up in a bad mood whithout a precise reason.

There is event X, and then follows feeling Y, for ENTJme.

Maybe for ENFPs the feeling sometimes comes before the event?

[FDG]

is too cute

/offtopic

Me?

[Tepa]

The emoticon -->

[jewels]

FDG,

Must be nice to know exactly why you feel an emotion right away. That's gotta save time.

For ENFP me, I do think it's possible to feel emotions before an event, but rarely. For example, I remember feeling worried my boss would fire me. I had no logical reason to think that. The next day, she told me she'd had a bad meeting with the CEO and spent the previous day sobbing and throwing up in the bathroom. I must have picked up on that and wrongly assumed it was me she was upset with.

But usually the issue is just picking from one of many possible explanations. Sometimes a feeling is clear-cut, but often it isn't.

Maybe "F" versus "T" types are processed differently in the brain? Maybe feeling types use all different parts and get confused, and thinkers use one specific part where things are more clear-cut.

More "F"s are women and more "T's men and I've heard of that kind of brain difference for problem solving. So maybe it could be an issue for processing feelings as well? Who knows.

It is interesting though, seeing how differently people experience things.

I can see that. So I'm curious how ENTJs and other thinkers know what they're feeling instantly.

Is it really feeling? Or is this a logical response?

Seems to me that logic is clear with right and wrong answers, where emotion is muddied and confusing. But of course, that's from my perspective as an F.

I'm wondering if other T types are always clear on what they feel, or if they're clear on the logic, but just don't notice or care about feelings.

I remember telling an ENTJ once that I was upset. He said "why?" I said I wasn't sure yet. He's like "how can you not know?" Even though I've read a lot of posts saying ENTJs are hard to deal with, I like it. Sort of challenging. But it can be tough on the senstive ENFPs feelings.

Ah! I do this all the time with my ENFP friend.

She seems somewhat to appreciate, because others are not so obnoxiously perpexled about not knowing why.

How do I feel an emotion is muddled and confused. I may not know if I am really "sad", or "anxious", or whatever.

However, Why I do feel something is never confused; there is always a cause that makes my mood change. It has never happened to me to wake up in a bad mood whithout a precise reason.

There is event X, and then follows feeling Y, for ENTJme.

Maybe for ENFPs the feeling sometimes comes before the event?

[Topaz]

Ive become anxious over what I knew would be the outcome of a certain event. For example my father announced to the family that he wanted to renovate the house. Before he could even finish what he was saying I could picture the misery that was to come. Hes a do-it-yourselfer but he gets destracted and doesnt finish. Like a motion picture I could see all the events and how things would go respecting the house. And Lo and behold, down the finest details along with a few special surprises it all came true as I had invisioned in those first few moments. I tried my best to talk him out of it but it was no use. I mean, who listens to and eight year old That was many, many years ago and there are still parts of the house that never got finished. Being a grown up is so much better than being a kid.