I am an INTJ and a nebbish
I am an INTJ. I have tested myself over three times and come out with the same result.
I have always had issues with the opposite sex. It goes back all the way to junior high. I would ask girls out but always would get rejected because I was the nerd. The same thing happened in high school. I asked this one girl to the prom. She agreed to go but ditched me at the prom itself. I was all dressed up with no date. It was a fairly embarrasing experience.
College life proved troublesome as well. I would always haunt the library hoping to find a introverted "nerdy" type. I figured that I could relate to a girl like that. I had zero luck. I even had the misfortune of flirting with a girl who was newly married. Thank god I didn't run across the hubby.
After graduating from college, I met up with an old platonic friend from h.s. It was kind of serendipitous. We hadn't seen each other in over four years. She was not on my mind at all. We met at the local video store.
Well we got to see a lot of each other. We would go to the art galleries in town. We also went to the movies and to museums. We had picnics in the park. The real kicker for me, being an Intj, was the conversations. I am very guarded, but I was so comfortable around her that I discussed everything that was on my mind. She did the same. We had hypothetical discussions about sex, marriage, and relationships. I went into the relationship as just friends. But I was starting to fall for her fast.
She would continually try to make contact with me. One day she gave me a neckrub out of the blue. There were other instances were she made contact with me. But what did I do? Absolutely nothing. I wanted to make a move but I was too damn scared. I was scared that I would become vulnerable. I was scared that someone may actually find me attractive.
But I kept things in perspective. She would always talk about her exes in front of me. So I knew that she probably had no interest other than being just friends.
I guess she was very comfortable around me because she invited me on road trip cross country. She was going to school in the east so I helped her with the drive. We had all sorts of discussions like the ones we had earlier. My god I should have made it clear to her that I wanted her. But I didn't. I was paralyzed with fear.
Fast forward a month after the trip. I wrote her a handwritten letter telling her how I felt. The letter contained nothing about love, only how much I like her personality and values. I asked her if our relationship could have gone further.
She replied that it couldnt. She still wanted to be friends though.
I wrote her another letter clarifiying my comments to her about some mixed signals. I told her that it was my fault. I should have come out with my emotions.
She wrote back saying that she would have made it known if she wanted to pursue a romance. She went on to say that she figured that I wasnt into her because I didn't make any moves. But she said that she stilll values my friendship.
This all started on January 1st. Nine months of seeing her and I didn't make a move. I am pathetic.
Why am I a nebbish? Why can't I overcome this? I desperately wanted her. I feel that INTJs, like myself, over-analyze situations to where they let things pass them by. I feel that is why I missed my opportunity with my friend. I could kick my own arse, if I could.
I joke with my family and friends that I remind myself of Adrian Monk and Niles Crane rolled up into a Woody Allen-type of personality.
I have always been a loner. But I really want to change. Being with my friend has made me want to have a woman's company.
Are there any suggestions?
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Originally Posted by vague
