Originally Posted by
Minde
I, too, am Se-PoLR E9 (9w1). And I, too, find it grating to feel weak. Though I know in many ways I am. So sometimes I have this internal confusion. However, I remind myself that weak doesn't mean powerless, but more that there's room for growth and strength training. Also, that there's value in having good relationships with people who are stronger in my areas of weakness and who value my own strengths.
I grew up as an eldest of four, and my initiative, internal will, and self-motivation had lots of encouragement. Yet, in social settings I still was usually very passive. It wasn't until my late 20s that I made a conscious shift in how I related to groups of people that I considered peers or even superiors. I decided I wanted a certain something, so I threw fear to the wind and proposed an idea to a group of people. Lo and behold, they thought it was a good idea and I because I'm both likable and responsible I became their leader. So here are a bunch of people now who apparently think I'm strong and capable enough to trust and follow.
On the topic of leadership and Se, any time I start trying to be forceful it doesn't go well. I can't make people do things, and when I try I end up making a mess. Unless they're socionically friendly, in which case I think they cut me some slack. (My ENFp sister is super good at handling my "control tantrums.") As far as I can tell, people follow me because I make sense and am suggesting things that they want. And I'm willing to coordinate and foster communication. And make decisions when no one else does, though that is a lot harder.
Anyway, I think having these experiences of "Oh, hey, look, I'm capable in an area where I thought I was really weak and still kind of am" has helped calm that inner consternation a little. (At the very least, I've had way less running-away-from-hunters dreams.)
As I try to advance my career though, I'm kind of worried that my gentle demeanor will hinder my efforts at gaining respect and being seen as valuable in a monetary sense. I'm not sure yet how to deal with this and make myself "better."
(My ideal goal with my career is to hone both my actual and perceived value so that I can work part time and live with enough margin in my life to have a relaxed pace, be comfortable, healthy, and not have to worry about rushing around all the time. I like simplicity and peace. With the occasional jaunt to see new, beautiful places. And learn; I love doing that. I want to be healthy - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and in any other sense there is. I can't do that if I'm stressed.)
From what I've heard, I come across as looking frail and physically weak. And while I try very hard to be healthy (eat well, exercise, sleep, etc.), I kind of still am not very strong... My ESE friend has this theme of wanting to put me in a protective bubble so I never get hurt. Occasionally people who have "stronger" Se who are Si-valuing will make laugh with each other about how helpless I seem sometimes. Apparently sometimes I exude a sense of needing to be taken care of. I start feeling very conflicted when that happens, and annoyed with both them and myself. Them for noticing and laughing and myself for being weak.
In terms of standing up for things... I've surprised a number of people by locking onto a principle or a situation that I feel goes against what is fair or good or right. Or clinging to something I want. I'll even stand up for people I don't like if I think they aren't being treated fairly or if there's damaging misinformation getting spread about them.
Finally, on the subject of creating art, I like to draw and paint, but my current favorite is digital painting where I can use technology to help me with getting the look "right" (correct proportions, etc.) and focus on what I'm feeling. Also, I think a lot of getting details and structure "right" is a matter of skill, which can be trained and honed with enough effort, practice, and a good teaching source. So then it's less uncomfortable.
Wow, I just wrote a novella. This hit a nerve.
