Question for Delta NFs and Beta NFs
What do you do when someone is expressing they have a problem?
Do you offer sympathy?
I find myself offering solutions. The solution offering thing does not always go down well, at first, and then eventually it registers and people take out the productive parts.
Offering sympathy is an immediate gratification, but does it fix things?
How do you proceed when someone has a problem that they talk about?
I want to hear about this from Delta NFs, and what they would recommend for me - but - also if you aren't Delta NF I am interested in hearing how you approach these situations also. There may be differences in how they deal with it the Delta and the Beta NFs - or it could be that there is a common themed approach too among F types.
Some theories - what I do is common among Logical types. It could be common among Sensing types too. It may be common among gender divide. There may be no commonality but it will still be interesting to read and compare how individuals proceed with such things :)
And on that, please, sensing ethicals please respond also! :)
god's gift to solving problems right here:
well, oh my gosh, as a possible ethical type, i get to respond to this topic. it's as though it is now christmas or perhaps i've won an all-expense paid trip to timbuktu. i am all delight, and i feel like a bumble bee just now digging my nose into the fleshy petals of a flower.
when confronted with another person's woes, i begin by questioning why i don't feel anything (or feel enough) in response.
oh, but it's not about me...
i try to get a good understanding of the problem, both the hidden aspects and the surface ones, as i generally feel gaining a good understanding of a problem goes at least half of the way to solving it. i usually spend a lot of time questioning, speculating and guessing, until i feel i've gotten to the "heart(s) of the matter(s)." at that point i wait for solutions to shoot up out of the ether so that i can present them, which may take on a brainstorming quality - or it may not. mainly i'm looking for solutions that match the other person's inner knowledge and feelings about the situation/problem (the other person will *always* know more, as it is their problem and they know countless things that i don't know).
once i have it all - the full sense, picture, and feel of the problem as well as a range of possible solutions - i try to break it down logically to keep the focus on what may actually solve the matter (since when immersed in a personal problem, i know my mind tends to make it worse through emotion and imagination, and so this is a way to try to not keep digging into the torment & unleashing new ways to make it even more complex and unsolvable).
i'd add that the person with the problem well knows the complexities of it, even if they don't know all of it consciously in the moments of the conversation. getting the "full picture" rides on the other person uncovering these complexities throughout the conversation - so i may guess at some - that reminds them of more - and it goes on until the topography of the situation/matter has been fleshed out "completely" (limited by how completely is necessary or by how much of that topography is explored/seen, which will never be *all* of it).
i suppose i am sympathetic in the sense that i tend to acknowledge the gravity of the problem - which provides validation (although i'm not trying to do that - it's just a fortunate byproduct - hee hee). if i've had something to drink i might be more gushy and expressively empathetic, but i think it *is* kind of useless to mirror someone else's pain and go awwwwww about it since that doesn't actually, truly, fix anything. but there have been times too when i've been in pain and i've just needed someone to acknowledge that they understand how intensely i feel what i do and therefore how "important" it is. so i'm not really writing anything off.
i mean, sometimes, just being acknowledged and understood by another person goes a long way to helping one solve something, because it's not just about logical or practical solutions. going forward takes strength. you could imagine how you might do something, but without some sort of ignition force (like someone else giving a damn), actually doing it may not ever be actualized. also, part of any problem is how you personally think and feel about it - sometimes changing that actually solves it without you having to do a thing.
mainly, i look at problems in a practical sense, and i suppose also in a rational and logical sense - especially if they are other people's problems. being emotionally detached can go a long way in resolving something too, but detachment is something one often doesn't have the benefit of when personally absorbed in their own situation and the emotional turbulence of it. but maybe this is more of an angle of approach.
finally, returning to my narcissism, i will often also inject humor into the situation as i explore the human condition that leads to all of these terrible problems (especially interpersonal ones), even as i dwell on my own lack of ability to "feel enough" about it. i'll continually refer to myself and my new discoveries about my feelings, since it is all about me... sigh... somehow, knowing how i feel about this problem that isn't mine, seems to help me in generating solutions. i might also tell stories about similar situations from my own experience, and how that reminds me of this problem and oh, there are insights there... or i might notice patterns that apply, or themes.
basically i really like to chew on the problem and take it in as my own, and i feel i'm way more effective with other people's problems than my own. it helps how i can believe the other person capable of amazing feats of interpersonal gymnastics that i would never be capable of myself! that other person, they can move the world. i believe in them.
oh, and to top it off, i'm stingy! i don't want to talk to just anyone about their problems! my time is precious!