Originally Posted by
Ryene Astraelis
This is by no means an exhaustive account; I could've added more relevant info, but I finally reached the point where I thought "I'm done". There's also a lot of personal and perhaps individual stuff mixed in.
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I may not always know how someone feels toward me, but I do analyze their behavior and make relevant conclusions based upon it. I am also aware of emotional distance from my end, and I get uncomfortable if I think the other person is doing something for which they are not close enough. Being hyper-sensitive about rejection, I can misinterpret signals. What I see as “that person doesn’t like me”, another person might see as “maybe that person’s just having a bad day, and their response is no reflection of their feelings toward me”. And sometimes I find how my original conclusion was incorrect. For example, I originally didn’t care for one of my managers at work; she seemed awfully critical. But over the months I have been there, she has begun treating me more like the other employees, joking with me, complaining to me, etc. So maybe she just needed time to warm up to me. Some people are like that.
My feelings toward others... it's hard to describe. Some people I feel nothing for. They're in the background, people with whom I barely interact. From there, we have acquaintance, sort-of friend, friend, close friend, best friend, etc. And on the other side, we have anything from mild dislike to outright loathing. I am slow to attach to people, often coming to like them over repeated exposure. With a few people, I feel a quick connection.
If I am very fond of someone, that tends to last for a long time. It isn't always permanent, though; if it feels like the bond is gone, that is the end of things (or it can be). Likewise, if someone finds my shit-list, they stay there. Very rarely does someone manage to get off it. Naturally, there are different levels on said list; those who repeatedly demonstrate offensive behavior are more loathed.
In general, I tend to hold onto such sentiments, positive or negative, for far longer than is healthy. These days, I tend to realize that these sentiments often don’t allow for a change of the behavior which pissed me off to begin with or a change of circumstances which would make the positive feelings (especially romantic attachments) no longer practical. There are still times that I miss high school because of the strong bonds I had with friends; feeling so apathetic now and having so few attachments, I wish to have those kinds of strong feelings again. On the other hand, I do wonder if I got so attached because at that point in my life, I had a ton of anger which caused me to basically reject my blood family and substitute my own. Perhaps the violence of the rejection is what caused me to cling to them so tightly.
Did I mention that I analyze my feelings? Constantly. It’s kind of fun being both an emotional and an analytical creature. I’m sure that it helps me quite a bit. On the other hand, the two can clash horribly. I’ve had to learn to accept that feelings are irrational by nature, that they don’t just go away because there’s a reason not be angry or sad. And in a sense, they are somewhat logical. Someone insults me, and I feel angry because of it. The anger follows from the perceived hurt. I’m still not good at getting rid of these feelings, though. My emotions don’t have a shut-off switch, though I sometimes wish they did. (I mean, they do through my coping mechanisms, but then I can’t find the on switch.) I think that as a whole, I need to stop taking things so seriously. People do stupid, irrational shit, and I can’t let myself suffer because of it. Sitting here and stewing gives them far more power and far more credit than they deserve.
I have the capacity to be very attached, fiercely loyal, and quite protective; the both times I went off on my female friend group in high school, it was over (or partly over) how they were treating one of the girls in that circle, the one to whom I was the closest. I also tend to be fairly jealous and possessive, though I try not to show it or push it onto others. One exception would be that I have learned that I will not share men; if I am romantically and physically involved with one, I had better be the only partner. It’s very rare that I consciously and deliberately cut someone out of my life. The majority of times this has happened, it was because my parents disapproved of my friends (or would have disapproved had they known), and I was trying to be obedient and have acceptable associations. But there have also been times that I’ve cut people off for my own reasons. These are generally people who have hurt me deeply and who I can no longer trust to not hurt me again. It’s not always a physical distance; sometimes it’s an emotional distance that I never expect will be overcome. (Both of my parents are in this category, for the abuse and bullshit I took from them over the years. As I have said many times, they were great at providing for us physically but really screwed us up emotionally.)