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I want a life...
Of poetry and magic.
But such a life does not exist.
Tell that to a hollywood actor that gets paid billions and can do whatever they want with the money. They pretty much are living a fairytale life. The mental perspective that life is painful and hard, makes life painful and hard. You just need to somehow retrain your brain to think positively, not negatively.
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When I wake up tomorrow, I will have nothing to keep me company but numbness and emptiness.
Then do something different. Change it up. It won't be a miracle cure right away- but even if you fill your life with pain and annoying things you don't want to do, that's better than the nothingness inside isn't? And the more you live life , the more you make small choices day by day- the more you 'become the media' instead of 'watching the media' the clearer you will get about what you really want and what will make you happy. But it's gonna happen one step at a time.
*hugs you* You just need emotional support while you make those choices. =D
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The beauty of the world will fall upon deaf ears and blind eyes.
Not necessarily. I enjoy the world's beauty. I love going outside and looking at the sky and just basking everything in, spiritually. I forget how much I like that sometimes because like a lot of roleplaying losers I like video games and being glued to a computer. I think I might always prefer that. But it can get depressing.
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Right now, I live suspended in a moment of sublime beauty. It hurts so much, it's so sad, but I'm at least alive. I'm feeling something deeply. I'm alive. And it hurts, but it's so beautiful. It's absolutely wonderful beyond measure or expression. It hurts so goddamn much.
It will get better. It's just a feeling, and feelings will pass. The greatest of feelings, and the lowest of feelings and all the things inbetween. They all just flow through your body and change up. So just hold on. Just 'stick it out.'
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I don't want to go back to always being a step behind my entire life, watching it inexorably unfurl in front of me.
Yeah. Most people have a mindset of wanting to be a distant, objective observer instead of the participator. But the participator is the only one that feels the surge of joy and the aliveness. The participator also feels NEGATIVE feelings a lot, but that's way better then the nothingness you felt when you were the observer. To be the star and not the watcher though, you're going to have to learn an important spiritual lesson: You're going to have stop holding on hard to your mental perceptions and what you think you know. You're going to have to just 'be here now' and let go of your perceptions. You're just going to have to 'stick it out' and hold on when your emotions shift and change.
Think about this. You know in video games, the 'all-seeing eye' is considered an Evil Omen. And it is evil. The First Evil, the symbol on cbs. This is evil. Evil beings don't feel. They only watch. They only gather things with their intellect. They are everywhere, but they lack the spiritual essence of emotions. When you stop trying to be this eye, when you stop giving the eye attention- when you stop 'trying to fight it' - you then begin blossoming spiritually. You're beginning to enjoy the ride. Because there's no 'set destination.' The universe and the world obviously isn't like that. It's not like that physically. (and the physical and spiritual are connected) If there was a goal how could anything improve or evolve?
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I don't want to go back to being an observer in my own mind.
Being overly introspective isn't healthy for anybody. You're a good guy with a loving heart. You just need to probably exercise a bit more and work on your physical appearance and have a better self-image. But there's nothing wrong inside of you that you have to 'self-reflect' on. You don't really hurt others as far as I can tell. You troll people on the internet but who doesn't? =p
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I don't want to go back to playing games with people just to try and fit in,
Yeah. And I always saw through this tactic too. It didn't really fool anybody though. You're being more real, and I'm liking you a lot for it.
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always hiding who I am, what I think, and what I feel.
I wish people said their opinions more. But everybody in the midwest wants to be 'fake nice' and super-ego and just go along with what everybody else does. They're sheep. I'm like so mentally and spiritually above these dirtbags. But then again if I was around the hollywood narcissists, I would just want to compete with them and punch them in the face too. I've already found my family. It's here. On these internet message boards.... or I wouldn't feel 'pulled' to post here. Maybe I'll get a new family one day. But for now I think this is it. It might change or it might not. Just whatever you know?
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I don't want to go back to being alone in a world where I don't feel like I belong.
A lot of people feel that way.
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I don't want to go back to the stress and the torture inherent in just trying to support the inane trifles of my own metabolism.
Remember what I always told you? When we focus on ourselves, we're usually unhappy - when we focus on others, we're usually happy. Bullying feels better than being a useless victim. But helping others genuinely feels even better than bullying them!
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I want people to understand what I see. I want people to feel what I feel.
I would say your goal should just try to be happier first, because wanting other people to understand your perspectives is harder than people realize at first. It's like byron katie said: People only know you by the stories they tell themselves. If they want to see you a certain way in their OWN minds, it can be difficult changing that- because then you're like living somebody else's dream. (Indirectly and not-intentionally mind you, but technically that's what's happening)
So instead of worrying about being understood, or having people show genuine empathy to you- just focus on what brings you inner joy and all the other stuff might fall into place.
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I don't want to be so alone all the time.
I know, but a healthy productive relationship with somebody else takes a lot of time and effort and of course you have to have natural chemistry on top of it. If you don't want to be alone/lonely you just have to work on it instead of taking the easy way out of ignoring other people and avoiding the human race because they didn't do something that you approved of. You have to stay connected, in other words. Don't think of it as hard though. But it will take work.
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I want something better than words. I wish I could hold someone's hand to my heart, and have all my feelings course through them.
I think we all want that. But the problem is, people have too much of their own pain usually to absorb yours. People being happy and spiritually intuned will always be rarer than people being lost. One person being vibrationally aligned with their own source is a trillion times more powerful than 50,000 people who are not. They can't help you because they're too busy dealing with their own pain. The best thing that can help you is those dorky fantasy magical adventure shows that you probably like- because the hollywood writers who got that far in the world have it made (and they know it) and they don't have to deal with much pain. So they help other people as much as possible. But people in your regular life won't be able to do that very much.
So the only way is to really 'get higher yourself.'
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I wish someone would understand. I wish I had someone to share these moments with. I wish there was someone out there who saw the same wonders as I did.
Never stop believing or having hope. When you're meeting somebody romantically for the first time or even a new friend, it's very important to have a positive attitude. The world is too cynical and negative.
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But none of that can happen.
Well no, it can't happen when you already decided that it won't happen. You have to believe/think it in your mind as if it already happened first, before you can enjoy the physical manifestation.
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It's like life is a cruel joke.
You just need a hug.
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Even though I gave up long ago, my body keeps marching on, to the rhythm that time drums out. I wish it could all be over, and I have done for a long time now. But it never ends, and there's no escape. There's no way out.
You don't want a 'way out' you just want to feel better. You want a WAY IN.
This too shall pass.