Is this type-related? I am wondering whether attempting to cover it when you're sad is type-related, and also whether being good at it is.
So... is seeming happy-go-lucky when you're anything but related to strong Fe, or practice, or what?
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Is this type-related? I am wondering whether attempting to cover it when you're sad is type-related, and also whether being good at it is.
So... is seeming happy-go-lucky when you're anything but related to strong Fe, or practice, or what?
It probably is type-related. To what I don't know. I do know that I don't do that. I can push it out of my mind for a while. And I don't at all like acting sad when I am sad because then people will ask what is wrong and what if I start crying and oh god... so I might be able to act like I have no feelings instead for a while and try to hold that facade just focusing on what needs to be done. I can't act cheerful though if I don't feel cheerful. To do so I would have to make myself feel cheerful and I can't do that either because I feel something else.
hmmmm. Usually when I know I'm going to be out in public and I'm feeling sad, I can kind of gear myself up to be truly friendly and focus on other people instead of myself. These days whatever's making me sad is unlikely to change anytime soon so it's more a question of living with it and not letting it get me down on a regular basis. Pushing it into the box on the shelf inside my head or whatever. It's still there, but doesn't have to control my actions/emotions 24/7.
But it doesn't sound like I'm as good as you are at this, SOS! :D
I'm very much like you in this regard. Most people never know when I am sad. Even when something major happens people think I am somehow fine. I get irritated though when they interpret it "he can't be sad, he is never sad" or "he doesn't care" as both those statements couldn't be further from the truth and in fact hurt. I guess I just like to sulk on my own and the least I want is someone from the outside to see what I'm going through.
Hmm, it depends. I tend to obviously space out or be visibly preoccupied if there's something on my mind, but that could be a result of being an obsessive thinker to begin with (in plain English: my mind quite literally never stops thinking).
I do agree though that being around other people distracts and energizes me, and I'm more likely to space out if there's nobody fun or interesting to talk to at school, whether I'm sad or not.
Also, being at school gives me the option of totally withdrawing and staying locked in my room (not literally :p) if things are really getting me down.
Something strange about my two close SLI friends is that they managed each somehow to tell that I'm nowhere near as happy as I look, which is pretty cool if you ask me.
Theory-wise, I have no idea. I think this would certainly apply for Fps, since both have producing Fe, and will thus be concerned with the emotional impact they have on others.
EDIT
As for "if anyone asks me what's wrong", I smile and say "nothing, don't worry about it". Unless I particularly trust you, that is. And perhaps it's a guy thing, but even then, I only want to share if I think there's some way of overcoming it, or to tell you not to worry.
That's not necessarily entirely true. Sometimes I do just want to talk through something, but such instances are when I'm being totally overwhelmed again by one of my Kind of a Big Deal issues.
My mom does this and I HATE it. There's no reason for her to hide her real feelings, especially from the people that care for her the most.
Well it seems you got some crazy acting skillz. Perhaps you deserve an applause? (But seriously, I don't get the point. It's like you seem almost proud of something that doesn't make sense to me at all)Quote:
BUT in front of people I was my normal, friendly, happy-seeming self. My brother even stopped by while I was at work yesterday and commented afterward that he couldn't believe how much better I was feeling already [he knew I had been down, and why] - even he was fooled.
Why do you feel the need to hide your feelings and problems from people? But leave strangers aside... why not be unconditionally open and share your problems (& feelings) with your close ones?
I don't particularly hide my feelings, but I don't display them much either. If I'm feeling down, I'm likely to be rather blah and just avoid people. I don't like to inflict my bad moods on people. I don't snap at them if I'm angry at someone else, or angry at a situation that doesn't involve them. People usually can't tell the degree to which I'm upset, though. A lot of times, even when I'm really angry, I articulate it calmly, which some people can confuse with nonchalance, or being mildly put out, not really upset.
My EII best friend, I *really* can't tell her moods. We'll be hanging out and she'll just say, "God, I'm in the worst mood." But up until that point, I would not have guessed that she was having a bad day.
That is precisely why I prefer those things to be visible in their true form and unaltered value, (as opposed to being purposefully hidden or covered in mud...) I want them to be available to my attention, so I can influence them if i cared about the person. I want to know because I want to help. Restraining me from knowing (or deceiving me in the wrong direction) is something I don't really appreciate. It feels very fake, dishonest and ingenuine. And with people I try to be close to, it feels wrong and manipulative.
You're very welcome. :wink:
Perhaps you're Fe valuing then, Parkster? I think something SLIs struggle with is how to deal with other people's emotions, so having someone wear their heart on their sleeve and act out every emotion can be really disorienting and paralyzing.
Part of the IEE/SLI duality is that IEEs are naturally gifted at navigating people's feelings, both when it comes to helping the SLI dealing with other people and within the IEE and SLI's relationship itself (in the general sense... it doesn't have to be romantic).
First (and most important): I was talking about my mom, not you. Second: "My brother even stopped by while I was at work yesterday and commented afterward that he couldn't believe how much better I was feeling already [he knew I had been down, and why] - even he was fooled."
I could be blind, though.
I beg to see the difference.
:8* I didn't say you "were" proud. I said that's how you "appeared" to me.Quote:
I did not say nor intend to imply that I am "proud" of doing this; I'm neither proud nor ashamed, and I don't see why I would be either. It's just the way I am....
You're making no sense...Quote:
Again, you are mis-reading me; I do share w my close ones. As for "leaving strangers aside" in this regard, perhaps it's bc I value Fi > Fe.
I didn't say I had any particular skills or that that's my favorite thing to do... but I'd usually do my best as far as finding ways of helping someone out. It may be harder if it is emotion-related, but nevertheless, I'd be more than willing to try if you let me. But to fake it? No thanks.
That's not the point though. I see my duals as being genuinely unsure of how to deal with people, and part of the IEE/SLI dyad is the IEE doing this for them--part of which is not acting out everything they feel the instant they feel it.
Anyway, I'll see if I can Summon Greater Isha (again) and report back.
EDIT
Nvm, I don't think Isha would be a good case study, actually, and I'm too embarassed to use my other SLI friend. That was a catastrophic IEE helpfulness fail :oops:
I've done the happy-go-lucky-thing. If I don't express what I'm truly feeling it's because I'm just not comfortable doing so... I have a habit of being my own psychologist/researcher, so that's pretty much an innate way of dealing with things for me. All I know is that it really sucks when you have someone to share your deep thoughts with, and then for whatever reason they are "not there" anymore to provide that support. You get used to having the good stuff, so it's hard to go back after that, at least for me... So it's not a bad thing to put on a neutral face and go about your business. I doubt people are that interested to know the emotional state of everybody around them.
Like glamourama wrote, my emotions tend to control me more than the other way around. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and can't hide my sadness very well nor do I attempt to. If I'm not feeling good then I don't see a purpose in trying to cover it up, that's just how I feel. There have been certain situations that I didn't want people worrying about me so I kept it to myself. but when I talk to people it's pretty obvious how I'm feeling, even when I try to act normal.
I sort of wish I had an ability to act differently than what I feel as I choose, it's a useful skill. On the other hand I do believe that a part of being honest with yourself is being true to what you really feel, no masks. Sometimes I do fear that people will see me as too vulnerable and that's not always something I want but at the same time I am who I am and I see no point in hiding my feelings.
I have an ESE friend and it's rare to see her sad, not because she never feels it but she'll never show it or embrace that feeling, happy is the only emotion she's willing to show or confront. but obviously anyone's entitled to keep things to themselves and handle it privately, I just think that it's important not to hide what you really feel as an automatic response. When you're really hurting it's not always best or possible to show that.
And I don't think anyone needs to defend themselves on this matter, there are different ways of dealing with it.
I'm not really sure about all this.... I used to respect and admire people that new how to keep their feelings to themselves and had enough self-control to not let every single bit of their emotion reach the surface... but then again, I've always passionately hated pretense and faking emotions. I've always found the act of "putting on the smiley-face facade" highly irritating and unnatural.
I don't really feel as if I am faking my emotions, I'm just not showing them, which could seem to you as the same but they are not to me. Putting on smiley face is hardly what I do also, I just act as always. If with a person I'm usually smiley and fun then I will probably continue to be that way, if not then I won't put on a smiley face. I share my worries and downs only with people I really trust, my few closest friends and significant otter. I think I deal with my problems best on my own anyway so my natural inclination is to keep everything to myself, but I value the support of my friends highly and I share everything what is important to me with them.
i know an enfp-fi whos house burnt down and she continued to act like she was happyish by about 3 days. also her dog died in the flames. i would wear my flaws around her, talking about how i'd taken drugs or done things. we both worked together. she seemed stunned i would be so open
One of the few advantages we SLI's (Parkster) have is that we are not prone to wide mood swings. But, suppressing emotion is just as unnatural and fake as hiding them, and we do that.
I have an ENFP friend who just had a horrible year long stretch of terrible bad luck, and poor decision making. Through it all, she kept up the "I'm OK" facade. Maybe it helped her cope, but she began to look like that knight from Holly Grail who kept losing parts, but wanted to keep fighting!
So, if someone is faking the happy look, it might be because they need that wall to hold back the tears or maintain some dignity.
Facades are not helpful for us SLI's since we aren't good with tea leaves, but hey, we probably aren't the ones you want to come crying to anyway.
Well, and wallowing in emotion isn't going to get me out of my situation either. Usually that just sucks me into depression and makes me incapable of changing my situation. I don't suppress it. I try not to needlessly dwell on it. If someone were to ask me how I was, I'd be honest with them, but what exactly are they going to do about MY life? Nothing. I'M the one who's supposed to be doing something about it. If there's something they CAN do, then I tell them. But 98% of the time, it's just stuff I have to work though on my own.
And how honest I am about it may depend on who you are too. I don't share the depth of things with everyone.
I am comfortable only with two emotions: anger and happiness...when I am sad I usually pretend that I am happy until I become angry at myself for this...then everybody run away or I will ruin your mood completely. :mad:
I guess I have mixed behavior here. Generally, I have a hard time hiding how I'm feeling. Or maybe I just don't hide it. I'm pretty much an open book.
However, sometimes I don't want to burden other people who have nothing to do with my problems, and at those times I do try to appear fine when I'm not.
You know, though, he always assumes if I'm sad that it's his fault. And I'll have to tell him what is bothering me first so he knows it isn't about him.
I've learned to apply the "but don't worry about it" disclaimer liberally. You help just by listening!
EDIT
And also
Kind of this. I don't just autovent, because I realize that my mood will pick up more often than not. Like right now.
I also realize that I'm hopelessly transparent when I try to fake being cheery and it's obvious I'm covering something up that's gnawing away at me. I think that that can really bother my SLI BFFFL (Best Friend Forever For Life :p), so it's better if I do talk about said gnawing problem so it isn't her problem too.
Sort of thing.
MORE EDIT
@Slacker Mom: would you say you have an attitude of trying to fix/waiting to get over whatever is bothering you?