When people tell you to "take it easy"

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I disagree that advice is rarely out of good intentions, consider a socionics caregiver.

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Giving people advice just makes the person giving the advice feel better. Nobody likes being told what to do, not really. It helps the person giving the advice and not really the one on the receiving end. (Therapy costs money, you're just making somebody else richer from your pain and if you tell a friend, a true friend well it's more like this: )

Real empathy is actually knowing what somebody is going through, and listening to them, and playing with them enough so they come to their own realizations about things.

It's that whole saying that a best friend is in the jail cell WITH you when you're in trouble, ya know? A power imbalance is a power imbalance. It always trumps the supposed 'Help.'

(This is also why tv shows that try to tell us what to do, are also really awful as well)

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Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves

Giving people advice just makes the person giving the advice feel better. Nobody likes being told what to do, not really. It helps the person giving the advice and not really the one on the receiving end. (Therapy costs money, you're just making somebody else richer from your pain and if you tell a friend, a true friend well it's more like this: )

Real empathy is actually knowing what somebody is going through, and listening to them, and playing with them enough so they come to their own realizations about things.

It's that whole saying that a best friend is in the jail cell WITH you when you're in trouble, ya know? A power imbalance is a power imbalance. It always trumps the supposed 'Help.'

(This is also why tv shows that try to tell us what to do, are also really awful as well)

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I can have trouble with advice because I am skeptical and can be stubborn, but some friends and previous partners have helped me untangle my emotional knots.

I believe that some advice really is useful, for instance, to put it in a socionics pov (yawn) advice which comes someone with your seeking functions can be useful.

There is an argument that there is no such thing as a truly selfless deed, and as you say, that giving advice just makes the giver feel good, but sometimes if it makes the giver feel good, and it helps the receiver, then i'd say that is the best way about it. And it's financially free. This doesn't have to be a friendship or a dating situation, it can be in business related issues too. Take Alan Sugar, he gives one of his apprentices a telling off (advice) he helps the person be more what he is looking for, they help him by giving him what he wants, he can then focus on other things, and the apprentice has a job. Everyone wins.

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Originally Posted by Serious Name

YouTube - Mika - Relax, Take It Easy (Official Music Video)

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:thumbsup: I like this song! I heard it for the first time when I was in Italy and was stuck watching nothing but the music channel.

Many of us in the UK get a similar thing, Sirena, with "chill". It's basically used by those who feel even slightly pressured to do something they don't want to do, and it merely serves to infuriate the person who is trying to get them to do it. In most cases, the person trying to get someone to do something has a completely valid reason for attempting to motivate them, and yet they feel like they've just been shit on by this little motherfucker who has told them to "chill".

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Originally Posted by Gulanzon

Delta dry ice :love:

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I do quite like the dryness of Delta humour.

I haven't read through this entire thread but I have to say, I don't think ANYONE has ever said this to me. I'm pretty darned easy-going already. I can't imagine someone telling an Ip that they need to chill. In fact, I've been guilty on occasion of telling my ESE husband that HE needs to take it easy. because he does!! he gets worked up about nothing and too rigid and demanding. :8*

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Originally Posted by redbaron

I haven't read through this entire thread but I have to say, I don't think ANYONE has ever said this to me. I'm pretty darned easy-going already. I can't imagine someone telling an Ip that they need to chill.

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This may be a sign that you are EIE, Sirena. ;)

But FTR, rb, my IEI father has been stressed on occasion, and I'm sure my SEI sister has told him to "chill" (potentially my SF brother, too).

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Originally Posted by redbaron

I haven't read through this entire thread but I have to say, I don't think ANYONE has ever said this to me. I'm pretty darned easy-going already. I can't imagine someone telling an Ip that they need to chill. In fact, I've been guilty on occasion of telling my ESE husband that HE needs to take it easy. because he does!! he gets worked up about nothing and too rigid and demanding. :8*

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So redbaron, I've noticed something >50% of your posts contain the phrase "my ESE husband".

Perhaps you could put in your sig something like "omg my husband is an ESE I'm a winrar!" so you don't need to type that every time? :p

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Originally Posted by Cyclops

I think you should get off your soap box and stfu. Why should other people be expected to be subjected to your temper tantrums when they don't want to?

I hardly see temper tantrums as depth of feeling, unless you deeply feel immature and selfish.

Didn't your last ESTp boyfriend get pissed off with you about this (I'm sure you mentioned it in the threads you made when he dumped you), if so maybe this isn't just type related.

You should grow up a little and stop expecting people to pander to you in a way that you think suits you.

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what exactly is your intention in saying all this? maybe deep down you'd like to be helpful? other wise you're sort of wasting your time... your other intention could be to get people to agree with you and your own tantrum?

either way you've omitted any sort of consideration for feelings on the surface. i'm just wondering what your actual intentions are in saying this? hm.

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Originally Posted by Cyclops

Sirena, considering we have spent many hours msn'ing and talking on skype including these very subjects, and that I have experienced what you refer to with you, you are wrong to say I am clueless on this subject at least with you, and your post is disgustingly misleading.

If your thread was to have people agree with you, fine, or if it was to find out others thoughts, then take it easy ;)

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LOL!

ok...

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Originally Posted by redbaron

I haven't read through this entire thread but I have to say, I don't think ANYONE has ever said this to me. I'm pretty darned easy-going already. I can't imagine someone telling an Ip that they need to chill. In fact, I've been guilty on occasion of telling my ESE husband that HE needs to take it easy. because he does!! he gets worked up about nothing and too rigid and demanding. :8*

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Originally Posted by Ezra

This may be a sign that you are EIE, Sirena. ;)

But FTR, rb, my IEI father has been stressed on occasion, and I'm sure my SEI sister has told him to "chill" (potentially my SF brother, too).

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Really? I honestly don't understand this. Or how being Ip is related to overreacting emotionally, for instance. I mean, no one has ever had to tell me to chill about wanting to accomplish too many things or wanting to go get too much done in one day :lol:. Unless I HAVE to get everything done in one day because I waited till the very last second to do something, of course! That does happen a lot hehe. But overanalyzing things to death? How does that not go with IEI? Because seriously, if it doesn't, I'm not an IEI because my mind is always racing, it feels like. This actually reminds me of a post Mimosa wrote not long ago where she was describing how she does and does not relate to Ip temperament. I remember her saying something similar.

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Originally Posted by Sirena

Really? I honestly don't understand this. Or how being Ip is related to overreacting emotionally, for instance. I mean, no one has ever had to tell me to chill about wanting to accomplish too many things or wanting to go get too much done in one day :lol:. Unless I HAVE to get everything done in one day because I waited till the very last second to do something, of course! That does happen a lot hehe. But overanalyzing things to death? How does that not go with IEI? Because seriously, if it doesn't, I'm not an IEI because my mind is always racing, it feels like. This actually reminds me of a post Mimosa wrote not long ago where she was describing how she does and does not relate to Ip temperament. I remember her saying something similar.

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yes, I do overanalyze things. But usually I keep it to myself, inside my own head. So nobody really knows that I'm doing it and therefore doesn't tell me to chill. I DO need to take it easy inside my own head, but I was thinking more about externally-viewable hyperactivity that others might find annoying.

Always?

Do you not have moods?

Also, for SEIs, it's noted that we can sometimes rush things, because we want material results ASAP.

But I agree mostly. Being introverted means living inside some part of yourself. At least re: mood, on the highs, I do think quickly. But on my current low, it feels like everything in my head has to sink through layers of molasses.

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Originally Posted by Gulanzon

Always?

Do you not have moods?

Also, for SEIs, it's noted that we can sometimes rush things, because we want material results ASAP.

But I agree mostly. Being introverted means living inside some part of yourself. At least re: mood, on the highs, I do think quickly. But on my current low, it feels like everything in my head has to sink through layers of molasses.

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of course I have moods (if that was directed at me), but I don't go around announcing them to everyone all the time such that people tell me to take it easy. The only time I get remotely loud is when I'm really happy (and usually after a drink) and no one tells me to take it easy at that point because it's all good. When I'm sullen, I'm quiet. Always. I never get loud when I'm feeling negative, I go inside myself.

Sorry, it was @Sirena, re:"always thinking fast".

Anyway, I should probably retype IEI p:

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Originally Posted by Gulanzon

Sorry, it was @Sirena, re:"always thinking fast".

Anyway, I should probably retype IEI p:

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oh okay, sorry! :)

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Originally Posted by redbaron

of course I have moods (if that was directed at me), but I don't go around announcing them to everyone all the time such that people tell me to take it easy. The only time I get remotely loud is when I'm really happy (and usually after a drink) and no one tells me to take it easy at that point because it's all good. When I'm sullen, I'm quiet. Always. I never get loud when I'm feeling negative, I go inside myself.

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I don't go around announcing them either. What I meant in this thread was in relation to some people thinking I internalize things too much. Specifically, I've been out on dates with this guy a couple of times and he kissed me. The next day I started freaking out a little and just kept analyzing everything. Like the fact that we both know there is a slim to none chance of anything serious developing in the future between us, due to external circumstances out of our control. So, I started thinking that maybe it wasn't a good idea to let myself get carried away with the feelings, which is what I tend to do and I find it hard, scratch that, impossible to be casual with someone. Intimacy is always intimate to me. So, I decided to mention this to him, my fears and apprehensions. He said he understood me but that I should take it easy and not overanalyze things so much. To enjoy the moment. And that's what felt like a slap in the face.

I, too, tend to withdraw into myself when upset. My impulse isn't to get it all out and blow off. I need someone to draw me out. The problem is that some people see that as too intense or whatever and will still feel like you need to take it easy. So I guess my point is that throwing a trantrum (which is how most people interpreted this thread for some reason) is not the only way to get someone to feel like you need to take it easy. Just the fact that you are withdrawn makes some people feel like you are the type of person that takes things to heart too much, therefore needing to chill. And actually, I would even say that it happens more with the latter.

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Originally Posted by Gulanzon

Sorry, it was @Sirena, re:"always thinking fast".

Anyway, I should probably retype IEI p:

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Sorry...what was your question again? :confused:

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Originally Posted by Sirena

I don't go around announcing them either. What I meant in this thread was in relation to some people thinking I internalize things too much. Specifically, I've been out on dates with this guy a couple of times and he kissed me. The next day I started freaking out a little and just kept analyzing everything. Like the fact that we both know there is a slim to none chance of anything serious developing in the future between us, due to external circumstances out of our control. So, I started thinking that maybe it wasn't a good idea to let myself get carried away with the feelings, which is what I tend to do and I find it hard, scratch that, impossible to be casual with someone. Intimacy is always intimate to me. So, I decided to mention this to him, my fears and apprehensions. He said he understood me but that I should take it easy and not overanalyze things so much. To enjoy the moment. And that's what felt like a slap in the face.

I, too, tend to withdraw into myself when upset. My impulse isn't to get it all out and blow off. I need someone to draw me out. The problem is that some people see that as too intense or whatever and will still feel like you need to take it easy. So I guess my point is that throwing a trantrum (which is how most people interpreted this thread for some reason) is not the only way to get someone to feel like you need to take it easy. Just the fact that you are withdrawn makes some people feel like you are the type of person that takes things to heart too much, therefore needing to chill. And actually, I would even say that it happens more with the latter.

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I see. I guess that makes sense. I don't tend to reveal myself to people who I suspect might find me to be too intense. So I guess I've never had anyone say that to me, but I can see how that could happen. :)

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Originally Posted by Sirena

Intimacy is always intimate to me. So, I decided to mention this to him, my fears and apprehensions. He said he understood me but that I should take it easy and not overanalyze things so much. To enjoy the moment. And that's what felt like a slap in the face.

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Out of curiousity, what would have been your preferred reaction from him?

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Originally Posted by force my hand

Out of curiousity, what would have been your preferred reaction from him?

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See below.

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Originally Posted by Diana

It might be because they don't know what else to say. It would annoy me too. If I'm telling someone something then I want them to acknowledge it and take me seriously, even if it IS some hormonal phase. If I told someone something that was really bothering me, and they just said, "Take it easy" I'd be angry. They might as well laugh at me and say my concerns are stupid. That's what they're saying anyway. "That doesn't matter, don't think about that," but it DOES matter, to me, or I wouldn't be saying something.

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Diana, I :love: u! :) You totally nailed it! This is EXACTLY what I've been trying to say in the form of like 5 long posts where I've basically been going around in circles. :lol: This is precisely what bothers me. :thumbsup:

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Originally Posted by Sirena

See below.

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I understand the reason you took offense.

I'm interested in what the right response would have been in this specific instance. What words or actions would have made you feel good/better?

Placing myself in your shoes, I might have liked hearing, as one example of many, "I never realized you felt like that. Do you have any ideas about how we could make this work?" As a consequence, whether or not I had any ideas, it would present the opportunity for me to open up in a safe environment and allow myself to deal with the internal tension.

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Originally Posted by Sirena

I don't go around announcing them either. What I meant in this thread was in relation to some people thinking I internalize things too much. Specifically, I've been out on dates with this guy a couple of times and he kissed me. The next day I started freaking out a little and just kept analyzing everything. Like the fact that we both know there is a slim to none chance of anything serious developing in the future between us, due to external circumstances out of our control. So, I started thinking that maybe it wasn't a good idea to let myself get carried away with the feelings, which is what I tend to do and I find it hard, scratch that, impossible to be casual with someone. Intimacy is always intimate to me. So, I decided to mention this to him, my fears and apprehensions. He said he understood me but that I should take it easy and not overanalyze things so much. To enjoy the moment. And that's what felt like a slap in the face.

I, too, tend to withdraw into myself when upset. My impulse isn't to get it all out and blow off. I need someone to draw me out. The problem is that some people see that as too intense or whatever and will still feel like you need to take it easy. So I guess my point is that throwing a trantrum (which is how most people interpreted this thread for some reason) is not the only way to get someone to feel like you need to take it easy. Just the fact that you are withdrawn makes some people feel like you are the type of person that takes things to heart too much, therefore needing to chill. And actually, I would even say that it happens more with the latter.


Sorry...what was your question again? :confused:

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Keep it short. Keep it simple. *smile*

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Originally Posted by force my hand

Out of curiousity, what would have been your preferred reaction from him?

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Originally Posted by force my hand

I understand the reason you took offense.

I'm interested in what the right response would have been in this specific instance. What words or actions would have made you feel good/better?

Placing myself in your shoes, I might have liked hearing, as one example of many, "I never realized you felt like that. Do you have any ideas about how we could make this work?" As a consequence, whether or not I had any ideas, it would present the opportunity for me to open up in a safe environment and allow myself to deal with the internal tension.

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Yes, that would have worked perfectly because basically what I needed was for my feelings to be acknowledged and responded to in a logical way, if that makes sense. In a way that gave me the reassurance I needed, the opportunity to feel comfortable opening up and a stabilizing force to help ease the madness in my head. In other words...getting the feeling that they're saying "I understand that this is bothering you right now and that's okay and I care enough that I would like to see how we could work through it." You know?

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Originally Posted by mercutio

Keep it short. Keep it simple. *smile*

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Yeah, I did.

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Originally Posted by Sirena

Yeah, I did.

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You're easy.

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Originally Posted by mercutio

You're easy.

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:shock: I'm hard...we've discussed this! :lol:

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Originally Posted by Sirena

I'm hard...

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I really hoped I would never hear this fall out of your mouth.

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Originally Posted by Ezra

I really hoped I would never hear this fall out of your mouth.

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oh eh ummmm....i be difficult, Ezra! that's what i mean! :oops:

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Originally Posted by Sirena

oh eh ummmm....i be difficult, Ezra! that's what i mean! :oops:

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wow, yeah, sirena. you totally set yourself up for that one. hahahaha