Male INFj and female ESTj (EII-LSE)
I'm sure this has been posted before, probably a myriad number of times, but I wonder if it's ever been requested by an INFj male? :confused:
So here's the situation. I'm already one of the rarest types on the planet, and I'm male, making me probably about as common as hens teeth or a flying pig.
My question to the veterans of this board is, how does an INFj male go about finding and then attracting an ESTj female? Because hot damn, I want me one, and I'm not aggressive at all, quite shy really, so I need to draw their attention and then let them do all the work! :oops:
(If this has been posted before, please don't hesitate to tell me so I can avoid cluttering the forums up! I dislike starting new threads enough as it is!)
INFj male + ESTj female (EII-LSE)
Hello Delta, I'm a male EII/INFj. (Please, no "aww's.") I really ought to contribute some to the board before I solicit relationship advice, but since we love discussing duality here and cutting to the chase befits the quadra, I'd might as well dive in. Forgive me if it's too much too soon.
Over the last four months, I've been developing a relationship in college with my dual, ESTj (female), and it's the first of this sort that I've experienced. She's hyper-rational, efficient with her time and effort, frugal, practical, ambitious, principled. All those good LSE traits. And as for almost all the less ideal tendencies, such as her flashes of temper at the slightest perceived disrespect and her undeniable workaholism -- well, I find them adorable.
But the first stumbling block has been getting on the same page of emotional communication with her, and it's been very difficult for me. She seems uncomfortable with expressing her feelings, and will only do so infrequently and meekly and after a long time together physically. Plus, she seems to follow the gender norm of expecting me to initiate almost all our contacts, and this is quite hard for me to do. Since (1) I admire and respect her so much, (2) I don't exactly have the strongest self-esteem, and (3) the relationship is young and still rather vague definitionally, I've often found myself wracked with feelings of uncertainty about whether she does, might, or could possibly love me. And since I'm afraid that my value will decrease in her eyes if I reveal how intensely anxious I am about her approval, appreciation, and affection, I have been letting this problem get worse and have actually begun to hurt (as irrational as this may be).
In case this sounds like a story of unrequited love, let me be clear that I do believe she has strong feelings for me. It's just that the infrequency and utter mildness of her emotional expressions have been driving me up and down a rollercoaster of self-doubt and uncertainty that I do not necessarily endorse on a conscious, rational level.
She's returning from our school's winter break this weekend. The long-distance communication was very unsatisfying for me and I've become neurotic as the time has passed being apart. It seems to me that it's time we discuss my need for reminders of affection, but I don't want to scare her off. I want to level with her.
For lack of a better conclusion -- help?