slightly sadistic people and is it type related..?

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 04:19 PM

maybe "sadistic" is a bit to strong, but what is wrong with these people?! Recently i found out a "friend" of mine has been calling me a "funny" name when referring to me amidst other friends. Apparently one day we're joking around and i said this particular name (say "Melinda" for the sake of the argument - no offense meant to any melindas out there) was quite hideous. We all laughed and it was all good, years later i learn i've been referred to as, yes, "Melinda" behind my back.

I know calling someone with a completely different name doesn't make much sense and it's not even funny, at least that's what i'd think if i didn't know this "friend". Having known this person for years though i know she does this quite often - derisively changes, so to speak, peoples names. Say if we make a new acquaintance this "friend" will find some name (aimed at whatever, anything really) to call the new person behind their back amidst other "friends" - and sometimes even in their face (maybe to show they've been "owned"..?). Could this be some quite unpleasant Fe? It sure changed my mood when i accidentally found out! I think this person takes great pleasure in this even though the people she "calls names" remain her friends until she finds some bigger way to fuck up their friendship (she usually doesn't, but has done so in a couple occasions and her desperate ways to make amends did look quite desperate indeed.)

crazedratXII · 03-08-2010, 04:37 PM

it's Fe yeah. what else do you want to know?

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 04:45 PM

hi - why would Fe bother with this? It's quite ridiculous, not funny, and at times could take the form of very clear bullying.

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 05:09 PM

also - this clearly bothers me and would like to be able to find some way to counter this behavior without loosing this friendship. any thoughts?

03-08-2010, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by he died with a felafel

also - this clearly bothers me and would like to be able to find some way to counter this behavior without loosing this friendship. any thoughts?

Perhaps you could just think of it as general banter and not read much more into it.

I've noticed that there are some people that come up with nicknames for others, like they do it for almost everyone.

As Oscar Wilde said, "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about".

So at least you are making some impression.

Other than that don't know what to do, unless you can force yourself to ask her on a one to one to stop it as it bothers you.

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclops

Perhaps you could just think of it as general banter and not read much more into it.

I've noticed that there are some people that come up with nicknames for others, like they do it for almost everyone.

As Oscar Wilde said, "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about".

So at least you are making some impression.

Other than that don't know what to do, unless you can force yourself to ask her on a one to one to stop it as it bothers you.

hi cyclops - i guess i don't understand what they get out of this...i can see they entertain themselves that way, but why not find some other way? Once i understand better, maybe then i would be able to tolerate/ignore it best..Any thoughts?

03-08-2010, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by he died with a felafel

hi cyclops - i guess i don't understand what they get out of this...i can see they entertain themselves that way, but why not find some other way? Once i understand better, maybe then i would be able to tolerate/ignore it best..Any thoughts?

I don't understand it either. My experience is that men do it for playful banter, sometimes half playful half serious, and women mostly just do it to be bitchy, or small minded.

The question then could be, why be bitchy, or small minded? I don't know, just the way some people are. I just laugh it off and not show that it bothers me.

Or what they get out of it? To be small minded (which in my opinion, although it's not a good thing, is at least slightly more excusable than being bitchy, because I suppose it's done with a certain amount of ignorance).

Sorry if that isn't much help, i'm somewhat in the dark with it also.

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclops

I don't understand it either. My experience is that men do it for playful banter, sometimes half playful half serious, and women mostly just do it to be bitchy, or small minded.

The question then could be, why be bitchy, or small minded? I don't know, just the way some people are. I just laugh it off and not show that it bothers me.

Or what they get out of it? To be small minded (which in my opinion, although it's not a good thing, is at least slightly more excusable than being bitchy, because I suppose it's done with a certain amount of ignorance).

Sorry if that isn't much help, i'm somewhat in the dark with it also.

thanks cyclops. do you think this is type related in that some types are more inclined to act that way? if yes, what type?

I have been laughing off things like that too and been pretending it doesn't bother me, but i can see the person who starts that kind of "fun" enjoys it very much. In a way, they expect you to be a good "sport" about it, so that if you say sth to the effect of "that bothers me" they're quick to imply (they find some way, don't know how) you aren't a good sport and can't take a joke.

Loki · 03-08-2010, 05:59 PM

I'd probably just stop hanging out with her.

silverchris9 · 03-08-2010, 06:33 PM

lol. Yes, that seems to be Fe related. I don't think it's something that you're going to be able to fix, because yes, if someone confronted me about giving them a mildly derisive nickname, I would either out loud or internally find them a poor sport.

Here's an example of how I see something like this: I have three friends (ILE, EIE, and IEI) and the ILE and the EIE occasionally refer to the IEI as "soft head baby [his name]." It's a form of gentle ribbing, especially used when the IEI is getting over emotional about something (which he does occasionally), and it's mildly annoying to the IEI, I suppose, but I think he also sees the degree to which, while it is a term of derision, it is also a term of endearment. Maybe term of endearment + derision doesn't really work for Fi-types, in general?

But then again, maybe your friend is just being a jerk/immature and should leave it alone. Or maybe it's one of those things where the nature of your friendship is such that one will have to deal with the other's preferences. You could probably confront the person and get her to stop, and then she'd have to deal with your preferences. She'd be annoyed, just like you're annoyed by her calling you names, but she'd deal with it, I'm sure. There's my two cents.

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silverchris9

lol. Yes, that seems to be Fe related. I don't think it's something that you're going to be able to fix, because yes, if someone confronted me about giving them a mildly derisive nickname, I would either out loud or internally find them a poor sport.

Here's an example of how I see something like this: I have three friends (ILE, EIE, and IEI) and the ILE and the EIE occasionally refer to the IEI as "soft head baby [his name]." It's a form of gentle ribbing, especially used when the IEI is getting over emotional about something (which he does occasionally), and it's mildly annoying to the IEI, I suppose, but I think he also sees the degree to which, while it is a term of derision, it is also a term of endearment. Maybe term of endearment + derision doesn't really work for Fi-types, in general?

But then again, maybe your friend is just being a jerk/immature and should leave it alone. Or maybe it's one of those things where the nature of your friendship is such that one will have to deal with the other's preferences. You could probably confront the person and get her to stop, and then she'd have to deal with your preferences. She'd be annoyed, just like you're annoyed by her calling you names, but she'd deal with it, I'm sure. There's my two cents.

interesting, thanks for your insight silverchris. i would never think of using terms of derision and endearment interchangeably and hence my failure to see the point of that kind of behavior.

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by he died with a felafel

interesting, thanks for your insight silverchris. i would never think of using terms of derision and endearment interchangeably and hence my failure to see the point of that kind of behavior.

silverchris, i forgot to point out that the "nickname" i was "given" has no connection whatsoever with any kind of behavior on my part. While your friend acts like some kind of annoying baby which in turn prompts you to call him/her a certain name, i don't think i've acted like some kind of "melinda"

he died with a felafel · 03-08-2010, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyclops

Perhaps you could just think of it as general banter and not read much more into it.

I've noticed that there are some people that come up with nicknames for others, like they do it for almost everyone.

As Oscar Wilde said, "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about".

So at least you are making some impression.

Other than that don't know what to do, unless you can force yourself to ask her on a one to one to stop it as it bothers you.

ps: i believe oscar wilde was very wrong if you apply his statement to certain contexts. i think there are cases when bad "publicity" is just that, bad publicity, and has a potential to harm the image of whatever it is being talked about.

crazedratXII · 03-08-2010, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by he died with a felafel

hi - why would Fe bother with this? It's quite ridiculous, not funny, and at times could take the form of very clear bullying.

I can't answer that since I don't know what the name was and I don't know the person who the name was given to...

Entertainment I get out of calling people absurd names comes from the names being absurd, combined with the people reacting in a serious manner. (The idea of people reacting to something so absurd is amusing). There's an IEI on here I call "space plankton". He gets pissed off, and it makes me laugh. There's also another person on here I call "discoblow". I call him that because he blows, clear and simple. (He is also sort of trashy in a cocaine related way). In that case, I'm just expressing myself.
Not really so different from what you're doing in this thread - expressing your emotions. Think of it like that, except it's compacted into a single name which I can brand you with every time I see you in order to let it be known exactly how I feel about you.

So yeah.. in order to know why she calls you that name, I'd have to know the name and then I'd have to know you. Might need to know her, too.

he died with a felafel · 03-09-2010, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazedratXII

I can't answer that since I don't know what the name was and I don't know the person who the name was given to...

Entertainment I get out of calling people absurd names comes from the names being absurd, combined with the people reacting in a serious manner. (The idea of people reacting to something so absurd is amusing). There's an IEI on here I call "space plankton". He gets pissed off, and it makes me laugh. There's also another person on here I call "discoblow". I call him that because he blows, clear and simple. (He is also sort of trashy in a cocaine related way). In that case, I'm just expressing myself.
Not really so different from what you're doing in this thread - expressing your emotions. Think of it like that, except it's compacted into a single name which I can brand you with every time I see you in order to let it be known exactly how I feel about you.

So yeah.. in order to know why she calls you that name, I'd have to know the name and then I'd have to know you. Might need to know her, too.

interesting pov, thanks for your input. it's not a specific question about this particular name-calling. It's more of a general question re: why Fe would be used in such way, generally speaking. At any rate...when you say "in order to let it be known how i feel about you" does this imply your feelings about someone are always constant: you'll always call this person you mention space plankton because....you assume he'll find it annoying each and every time you do..? what happens if he decides to ignore you calling him/her that? Does the way you feel about this person change?

Also - why is it important to you to let people know how you feel about them? See, sth like that would just be redundant to my mind in the sense that i think why should anyone give a rat's ass how i or other people feel about them? I look at it this way: so, someone feels this way about a 3rd person - ok, but who gives a fuck about that, the earth keeps doing its thing, gravity does its thing, in general life goes on punctuated by people's daily defecation and other such things..Anyway, not sure if i'm explaining myself clearly here, i'm tired. cheers

crazedratXII · 03-09-2010, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by he died with a felafel

interesting pov, thanks for your input. it's not a specific question about this particular name-calling. It's more of a general question re: why Fe would be used in such way, generally speaking. At any rate...when you say "in order to let it be known how i feel about you" does this imply your feelings about someone are always constant: you'll always call this person you mention space plankton because....you assume he'll find it annoying each and every time you do..? what happens if he decides to ignore you calling him/her that? Does the way you feel about this person change?

Also - why is it important to you to let people know how you feel about them? See, sth like that would just be redundant to my mind in the sense that i think why should anyone give a rat's ass how i or other people feel about them? I look at it this way: so, someone feels this way about a 3rd person - ok, but who gives a fuck about that, the earth keeps doing its thing, gravity does its thing, in general life goes on punctuated by people's daily defecation and other such things..Anyway, not sure if i'm explaining myself clearly here, i'm tired. cheers

letting it be known how you feel establishes clear boundaries and a code of conduct. It is basically an attempt to control a social situation. If you're asking me why people attempt to control social situations: well.. I duno, why do we do anything? Why do we attempt to understand what is happening around us?

The feelings about the person as a whole don't remain constant, but the feelings centered around the name and the reasons I gave him the name in the first place are distinct from the feelings I have for the person as a whole. Sometimes if the name comes from a place close to heart where it represents how I feel about the person altogether; i.e. discoblow (who is a cunt)... I would change the name if I had a change of heart for discojoe. But that is very unlikely. So the name also carries a certain weight to it, which varies. There is also that I typically won't change how I feel about a person unless they demonstrate a good reason for me to. How I feel about them is derived from their patterns of behavior; in order for me to change how I felt about them, they would have to change their patterns of behavior. (That is unlikely). Changing patterns of behavior is different than literally changing behavior. Like if a person decided to start ignoring me, where before they were reacting to me, I would consider that consistent with their tendency to struggle for power. So the patterns are abstract notions less related to literal behavior and more related to their consequences.

If he started ignoring me I would either keep calling him it because I was still amused by knowing he is deliberately ignoring me.. which is still another form of a reaction.. that or I would stop calling him the name if I thought he was legitimately no longer giving a shit. I also might stop calling him it if I liked him enough not to want to piss him off, and he was getting truly pissed off. (But usually the names I choose will not truly piss you off, unless I am trying to truly piss you off or you are too sensitive; in which case I'll keep calling you the name to teach you to be less sensitive)

There are also cases where I have called people names behind their back in the presence of other people, and this was very entertaining. In these cases I didn't like something about the people but couldn't seem to show them naturally in their presence (Although I do this much less nowdays, because I have started to favor destroying dysfunctional relationships entirely over changing myself or my behavior to fit the relationship). In those times I am simply letting off the tension I felt having been around you and not able to express myself naturally. And sometimes I will get carried away with it; overly entertained.. and end up seeing how far I can push the boundaries of releasing tension, as if it's some kind of massive release of my lifes repression. In those cases I think it's possible a person is associating parts of their past with you and then releasing a massive weight of emotional baggage by telling you off.

he died with a felafel · 03-09-2010, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazedratXII

letting it be known how you feel establishes clear boundaries and a code of conduct. It is basically an attempt to control a social situation. If you're asking me why people attempt to control social situations: well.. I duno, why do we do anything? Why do we attempt to understand what is happening around us?

The feelings about the person as a whole don't remain constant, but the feelings centered around the name and the reasons I gave him the name in the first place are distinct from the feelings I have for the person as a whole. Sometimes if the name comes from a place close to heart where it represents how I feel about the person altogether; i.e. discoblow (who is a cunt)... I would change the name if I had a change of heart for discojoe. But that is very unlikely. So the name also carries a certain weight to it, which varies. There is also that I typically won't change how I feel about a person unless they demonstrate a good reason for me to. How I feel about them is derived from their patterns of behavior; in order for me to change how I felt about them, they would have to change their patterns of behavior. (That is unlikely). Changing patterns of behavior is different than literally changing behavior. Like if a person decided to start ignoring me, where before they were reacting to me, I would consider that consistent with their tendency to struggle for power. So the patterns are abstract notions less related to literal behavior and more related to their consequences.

If he started ignoring me I would either keep calling him it because I was still amused by knowing he is deliberately ignoring me.. which is still another form of a reaction.. that or I would stop calling him the name if I thought he was legitimately no longer giving a shit. I also might stop calling him it if I liked him enough not to want to piss him off, and he was getting truly pissed off. (But usually the names I choose will not truly piss you off, unless I am trying to truly piss you off or you are too sensitive; in which case I'll keep calling you the name to teach you to be less sensitive)

very interesting, esp. first 2 sentences. that bit about patterns of behavior doesn't quite sound like Fe, but i may be wrong. cheers

crazedratXII · 03-09-2010, 04:04 AM

It is the relationship Fe has with Ni and Ti.

MOP · 03-09-2010, 06:29 AM

There is nothing wrong with have playful names for friends, but creating a name for the sole purpose of using it behind a persons back is disrespectful and malicious.

**Khola** · 03-09-2010, 11:53 AM

I do this.

03-08-2010, 04:19 PM	#1 (permalink)
he died with a felafel Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,069	slightly sadistic people and is it type related..? maybe "sadistic" is a bit to strong, but what is wrong with these people?! Recently i found out a "friend" of mine has been calling me a "funny" name when referring to me amidst other friends. Apparently one day we're joking around and i said this particular name (say "Melinda" for the sake of the argument - no offense meant to any melindas out there) was quite hideous. We all laughed and it was all good, years later i learn i've been referred to as, yes, "Melinda" behind my back. I know calling someone with a completely different name doesn't make much sense and it's not even funny, at least that's what i'd think if i didn't know this "friend". Having known this person for years though i know she does this quite often - derisively changes, so to speak, peoples names. Say if we make a new acquaintance this "friend" will find some name (aimed at whatever, anything really) to call the new person behind their back amidst other "friends" - and sometimes even in their face (maybe to show they've been "owned"..?). Could this be some quite unpleasant Fe? It sure changed my mood when i accidentally found out! I think this person takes great pleasure in this even though the people she "calls names" remain her friends until she finds some bigger way to fuck up their friendship (she usually doesn't, but has done so in a couple occasions and her desperate ways to make amends did look quite desperate indeed.) __________________ My favorite animal is steak

03-08-2010, 04:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
he died with a felafel Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,069	hi - why would Fe bother with this? It's quite ridiculous, not funny, and at times could take the form of very clear bullying. __________________ My favorite animal is steak

03-08-2010, 05:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
he died with a felafel Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,069	also - this clearly bothers me and would like to be able to find some way to counter this behavior without loosing this friendship. any thoughts? __________________ My favorite animal is steak

03-08-2010, 06:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
silverchris9 wants to be a writer. Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: New York Posts: 2,005 Blog Entries: 4	lol. Yes, that seems to be Fe related. I don't think it's something that you're going to be able to fix, because yes, if someone confronted me about giving them a mildly derisive nickname, I would either out loud or internally find them a poor sport. Here's an example of how I see something like this: I have three friends (ILE, EIE, and IEI) and the ILE and the EIE occasionally refer to the IEI as "soft head baby [his name]." It's a form of gentle ribbing, especially used when the IEI is getting over emotional about something (which he does occasionally), and it's mildly annoying to the IEI, I suppose, but I think he also sees the degree to which, while it is a term of derision, it is also a term of endearment. Maybe term of endearment + derision doesn't really work for Fi-types, in general? But then again, maybe your friend is just being a jerk/immature and should leave it alone. Or maybe it's one of those things where the nature of your friendship is such that one will have to deal with the other's preferences. You could probably confront the person and get her to stop, and then she'd have to deal with your preferences. She'd be annoyed, just like you're annoyed by her calling you names, but she'd deal with it, I'm sure. There's my two cents. __________________ *Not a rule, just a trend.* IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best. Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music... I am grateful for the mystery of the soul, because without it, there could be no contemplation, except of the mysteries of divinity, which are far more dangerous to get wrong.

03-09-2010, 11:53 AM	#20 (permalink)
Khola Recommended by 9 out of 10 dentists. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 3,421 Blog Entries: 6	I do this. __________________ IEE

03-08-2010, 04:37 PM	#2 (permalink)
crazedratXII Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: alaska Posts: 2,522	it's Fe yeah. what else do you want to know?

03-08-2010, 05:59 PM	#9 (permalink)
Loki Illustrious Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 3,784 Blog Entries: 1	I'd probably just stop hanging out with her.

03-09-2010, 04:04 AM	#18 (permalink)
crazedratXII Banned Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: alaska Posts: 2,522	It is the relationship Fe has with Ni and Ti.

03-09-2010, 06:29 AM	#19 (permalink)
MOP Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 178	There is nothing wrong with have playful names for friends, but creating a name for the sole purpose of using it behind a persons back is disrespectful and malicious.

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