Does that make sense?

[dbmmama]

Here's another little phrase. Whatcha think of this one?

"Does that make sense?" after explaining something.

this sounds like someone who is NOT confident in their explanation but wants the other person to understand and "get" it. and this person usually will word things in different ways while continuing to ask "does that make sense?" until the person does "get" it. but only if the other person is actually WANTING to get it. if not, then it is dropped.

[FDG]

Yes, I agree. We should also though make a finer distinction: confidence in one's own explanation does not coincide with confidence in one's own knowledge. Sometimes the sentence is used when the other party is not familiar with the subject matter, for example (and in those cases usually a "to you" is added)

[dbmmama]

thanks guys. obviously, it's me who does this.

i will occasionally do it with my kids. but i know them so well that when i explain things, which i do a lot homeschooling them, i know how to word things for each of them to "get" it.

it's more when i don't know a person that well yet i will ask it a lot as i go along in an explanation. like in a workshop, oh i know the subject very well, but my subjects are usually very deep, esoteric kinds of concepts that the majority of people aren't familiar with.

i don't believe in "dumbing down" info, but i do want to make sure each person is getting it at their level, in their own way.

but sometimes i catch myself asking it what feels like a bit too much, otherwise i might be coming off like a "know it all" and that they're too "dumb" to understand what i'm telling them, which is the antithesis of what i want and what i know they want.

[dbmmama]

I remember learning about this when I studied psychology. It's a way of communicating, but I totally can't remember what it's called. It's all kind of comments you make during communication to make sure people are still following. Anyway, I remember it's perceived a very good way of communicating, and it creates safe environment/predictability for those being addressed. Especially when it comes to your children, that is important. In other words, you're doing fine!

heehee, i know i'm doing fine... i'm just wondering what it might point to in socionics lingo.

[dbmmama]

I ask such questions as well, it's about , I think.

I was filmed by a psychologist-friend of mine when interacting with my children. He commented on my exceptional use of such small questions and statements, as that is not so common, according to him. I didn't even know until I saw the film. It's small things like telling everybody what I'm about to do when I leave the room, or responding my (back then) 2-year-old by repeating his question before answering, etc. The psychologist explained that this kind of communication is recommended to make people feel respected and listened to, and to create predictability and safe environments. It's a way to relate better to the other person. I had never thought of that before, and I was so surprised to see how "good" I was at something I never ever trained. After reading about Socionics, I understand it's - I ask such questions naturally as I sense the feeling "between" me and the other person, and in that way I ensure that the feeling is kept "good" and I also scan and check the current state of the "in between"-feeling....

It's definitely ... Don't you agree?

yeah, it is. i'm a bit confused though if i do it naturally or i've learned and become so good at it, it "seems" natural now. i "knew" from the time i was a little girl that i WANTED to do this stuff better and that adults "should" act that way with kids more, but i wasn't really good at doing it. i DID study how to do it, A LOT!!!! So much so, that it has become second nature now. Unless, it was so important to me that i continued learning more and more about it for that reason... with all of this stuff, i am an Etype 1. and it's been MY WHOLE LIFE. why i'm even studying socionics...

[dbmmama]

It's still .

doesn't make you ask those questions, makes you realize those questions could be useful. You still have to learn to act that way - we don't know how to speak when we are born..... :wink: Unless you used you wouldn't have noticed the possibility the way you did.

Because of you learned how to ask questions.

if that's true, then i'm Fi base. this stuff is the most important to me. and it sounds like it is to you too.

[dbmmama]

if that's true, then i'm Fi base. this stuff is the most important to me. and it sounds like it is to you too.

or at least Fi ego.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

I knew this one woman in one of my group homes that used to say that all the time, and she was a total cruel, vindictive bitch. I SO agree, the phrase is dumb based on past real-life experiences.

It just sounds condescending. "Does that make sense?" Like what you said was actually so important that it had to be verified by 'sensical means.' And this person said it ALL THE TIME too. I think it's a mix of arrogance and also the opposite, lacking self-esteem in what you're really saying. They're being too arrogant and too weak all at the same time. Now I know that really hateful people just pick on me because I'm cool and I kick ass, and they don't.

I can't help it if I was born with superior genes and I'm innately better than some people. I'm only better than who I am better than.

[dbmmama]

I knew this one woman in one of my group homes that used to say that all the time, and she was a total cruel, vindictive bitch. I SO agree, the phrase is dumb based on past real-life experiences.

It just sounds condescending. "Does that make sense?" Like what you said was actually so important that it had to be verified by 'sensical means.' And this person said it ALL THE TIME too. I think it's a mix of arrogance and also the opposite, lacking self-esteem in what you're really saying. They're being too arrogant and too weak all at the same time. Now I know that really hateful people just pick on me because I'm cool and I kick ass, and they don't.

I can't help it if I was born with superior genes and I'm innately better than some people. I'm only better than who I am better than.

HAAAAHAAAA!!!! I know it sounds condescending! That's why I try to curb it as much as possible because I HATE IT when others say it to me! I hear myself say it and think "shit, watch it, that's not what you want to do, so, watch it!"

that's also why i'm confused. i say it naturally, but don't like that i do and so, try very hard to not.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

*hugs* I'm so glad. I don't actually say a lot in real life because when I do say something I want it to be like perfect you know. This woman just tried too hard, without really trying at all- and it showed. It's a bad, cliched phrase and I'm sooo glad that you realize that!

[dbmmama]

You just said in a previous post that you learned to do it as a child because you liked it when others said those things to you. Make up your mind!!! :wink:

Are you SURE you are not an E9......

no, no. i did NOT like others saying it to me. i learned and wanted to not be condescending. condescending is horrible crap to me. but i do and did want to respect others and when i do/did explain anything i didn't want to do it in vain. i care enough that if i'm gonna explain something that the other person understandings, or what's the point in explaining it, if it's not "received?"

self awareness is a huge deal for me, whether it's something i "like" in myself or not. and i'm always open to change, if that's what i feel is needed in myself for my own greater vision....

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

But why is any such verification necessary? We're not going to always absorb what you have to say even if it's communicated as crystal clear as possible. If we think you are obviously wrong about something, that will only backfire on you because you explained yourself in such a clear way that it actually makes you sound pretty vindictive even when I know (or hope) you don't intend that. Or if you do, I can't read between the lines because like Expat, you say things too matter-of-factly. Therefore, I personally think it's better if you used more theaterics in your posts so we can relate to you on a more human level.

But I value and you value so what are ya gonna do, I guess.

[dbmmama]

But why is any such verification necessary? We're not going to always absorb what you have to say even if it's communicated as crystal clear as possible. If we think you are obviously wrong about something, that will only backfire on you because you explained yourself in such a clear way that it actually makes you sound pretty vindictive even when I know (or hope) you don't intend that. Or if you do, I can't read between the lines because like Expat, you say things too matter-of-factly. Therefore, I personally think it's better if you used more theaterics in your posts so we can relate to you on a more human level.

But I value and you value so what are ya gonna do, I guess.

theatrics doesn't make it any more "human" than nontheatrics. everyone's idea of "human" and "normal" is different. this IS socionics.

i know for me, if someone asks me something that they want to know more about, it is important to make sure they understood what i said. of course, not ALL of it is going to get through. but, i do find it important to do it to at least their satisfaction. otherwise, why ask?

it is so fun to see my kids eyes light up when they learn and/or understand something for the first time. something that was what THEY wanted to know, not what i thought they should know. one of the most important things to me is allowing and encouraging my children to think for themselves, be themselves, express themselves, feel for themselves, on and on. this is their unique life to be lived by them. and i enjoy being there for them as their support as they do.

I will not settle for less in my parenting of my kids and so, we go all out in letting their inner selves SHINE! what this has to do with the topic, oh well, but, it just flowed out. so there.

[dbmmama]

I think I identify with this.

I sometimes have trouble getting what I'm trying to say into words, and so I'll go about it in this weird way gaging the other persons reactions to see if they seem to be following... and I'll ask if it makes sense sometimes when I'm not sure if it is and if they can explain it back to me in their own words, such that the central essence of it is still the same, then I know we're on the same page and I'm happy.

eta: It could go the other way too... where they explain something and I explain it back and they confirm that's what they mean. I usually do that if I sense they're not confident that I understand, or if I'm not confident I understand.

I also ask it when I am confident in how I explained something, but when I look at them, they don't seem to be getting it. Then I ask if it makes sense, and I wait. And they can take things in whatever direction would make it comprehensible and get us on the same page.

I usually cater how I say something to the person I'm talking to... but I don't really think about it, it just seems to happen... I usually try to put it in the way that will enter their mind the easiest... unless I need their help to articulate it, then it's more asking them to help me take it out of my mind and put it into words.

yes, yes!!!! that's it!!!!!

[dbmmama]

yes, yes!!!! that's it!!!!!

i was thinking that it's a valued Ti (explaining) but not a strong one that needs "help" getting it out! i think that i've gotten better at it over the years though. my second son, who he and i are just alike, is constantly doing this to me. it's interesting to watch because i've "grown out of it" a bit and here he is doing just what i did as a kid. "do you get it, mom, do you get it?" of course i get it, we think on the same wavelength. he just isn't confident enough in his own knowing so he feels the need to verify with someone else. as this strengthens within him, i know he'll ask less and less.

[Creepy-Diana]

.

[redbaron]

I haven't read this whole thread but I say that all the time. And if I find myself saying it in an email, I usually erase that part of it when going over the email. But it's definitely a naturally-occurring phrase with me. ugh.

[dbmmama]

I'm not at all offended when people ask me this, in fact I'm happy that they're giving me a chance to confirm that I'm following/not following what they're saying. that way what's being communicated can be clarified if needed. I've also found that people who ask this are more likely to be patient about repeating or re-explaining themselves in order to make sure I understand; this is something I greatly appreciate.

I'll ask the question too, sometimes; I honestly didn't realize it offended people as badly as some people in this thread are describing I don't ask it because I think they're an idiot or too stupid to comprehend what I'm saying; I ask it to make sure we're understanding each other properly.

then maybe it depends on the people whom i have been asking to. i can tell the difference between people whom it offends and those that think the way you describe here, which is right along with my thinking on it.

the only reason i remember it offending me was from my mom growing up. she asked it in a way to me that did feel like i was "stupid." i am very aware and careful NOT to do that to my children. i want them to truly understand that ALL of their answers are within them. i am just their guide in bringing them out to light. (it's me i have a hard time listening to my own answers within sometimes ) sometimes i DO need a smack upside the head (not literally) to jar me back to reality and focus on what my inner self is telling me.