How to discourage ESI from pursuing me?

[EvilTomatoe]

Hello dear Gammas,
I have a problem with my fellow ESI dude. He seems to really set his eyes on me despite the fact that I told him multiple times that it is not possible cause it will simply not work in a long run. I tried to seem as irresponsible as possible, pointing at the fact that our values do not match at all. He is more of a family guy, I am a party girl so to speak. He still believes that I will change in the future and is willing to wait.

I am something from Ne/Si department, and I am unable to deal with his pressure in a long run - my methods simply do not work.

I do not want to strain our relations, we are really great friends, and we are interconnected in many areas in life (I do not want to go into further details). Falling apart would be disastrous and with fatal consequences.

If you have any suggestions, except of course the ones that would mean cutting it off with him, that would be really great. I know I may be perceived as a wuss about it, but as you are fellow socionpeople, you probably know that any attempt of using my not so strong functions as Se for example will only be ridiculous.

[Adam Strange]

Use your Ne.

[Adam Strange]

There is an article around here titled “There and back again, the way to a man’s heart, and back”, or something like that. It basically says to act like their conflictors. In his case, an ILE.

Tell him that there are so many things to do with your life that you want to explore that there is no way you can see yourself ever settling down. Then become really unpredictable and unreliable. Make appointments and forget about them. Become enthusiastic about fly fishing one day, then electromics the next. Most importantly, never accept blame for anything you do that offends him. Assert forcefully that his misunderstandings of your behavior are his fault, not yours.

That should do it.

[Bertrand]

if you want to continue using him you're probably going to have to put up with him "liking" you. in the long run once he realizes that genuine reciprocity is lacking his feelings will fade of their own accord. right now, assuming IEE for the sake of argument, he just thinks you're a well developed LIE, because he can't discern yet where the Te lets off, only that it is beyond his own. once it becomes apparent the Fi/Te junction is not what it should be, he's not going to continue to waste time. right now he probably just doesn't see that yet. trying to act like a ILE is likely to just draw this process out. what he really needs to understand is what you essentially already know, that you're not made for eachother. but at the same time it needs to happen authentically, naturally, for it to stick. this could take an irritatingly long time from your point of view, but this is ESI we're talking about

[Exodus]

[Eos]

Stop keeping your options open and grow up by telling them without leaving glimmers of hope, which really are just ways to stroke your own ego by being pursued.

But what if?

What is what? you loose a friend? you've already been spinning it through the hologram looks like. This is the critical fatal flaw of IEE, maneuvering around, waffling, holographically imagining a future and the inter relations within it.

Pick a path and stop using the excuse of kindness to cover your weak area.

[EvilTomatoe]

@Eos Well, I admit I am not prepared for the situation when a grown up man does not understand simple and plain "no" backed by a bunch of really important reasons. Shoot me dude Also, too many assumptions, most of them false. Do you know that people can like evaluate their automatic behaviour as bad and do not act accordingly? The fact that somebody is IEE can mean total shit, would be glad if you stopped your vivid imagination right there
@Adam Strange Thanks for the article man, it was actually really helpful to adjust my behavior. I guess my mistake is, that I subconciously try to fulfill other people's needs. Less Fi, more Ne. That, and the fact that I am training my Te pretty hard since always, so now I can see how he could mistake me for well developed LIE.

[Adam Strange]

@EvilTomato, you are welcome.

One thing to be cautious about: Previously, when I have made it clear to an ESI that I didn't think things would work out between us, they ghosted on me. Completely changed their behavior and disappeared without a trace.

You have said that you don't want to break things off completely with this guy, so I think you might want to take a slightly different approach than just saying *Boom* "I'm not playing that game with you".

My own approach to dealing with women who like me too much is to say that I belong to this cult (Socionics) which says that everyone has a dual who is the best fit for them, and then I explain that they are not my dual and I'm only considering duals.
Sometimes it helps to show them pictures and videos of their own duals, and to explain to them point-by-point why you are not that person, and how unsatisfying the sex/daily life/emotional support/etc would be between the two of you, as opposed to all that stuff with their duals. (This is a very Te argument.)
Failing that, you could always tell him you are a man in transition and you can never have babies. (Lol. IDK, what does Ne say? )

Here is something to start you out. Videos of an LIE female (Helena Christiansen) with male ESI's:

https://vimeo.com/207974169 or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlJew-Dw87I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmdQEMRHTDc


See if you can get him interested in people on his side of the street. To help with his recognition, tell him that LIE's have wolf eyes, but female LIE's are really rare, so he needs to start looking early and know what he's looking for.

[The Reality Denialist]

Make lots of Third Reich references and such. Set up ****** wallpaper on her PC and such. They will get upset. That is how I deal with setting relational distance. I upset people if it gets too close.

The key here is of course to find something that makes person react badly and and extrapolate from there to new views.

Let's say person deals with minorities then think the worst that has happened to them and possibly key figures behind it. This is not of course your own opinion but you can always play devil's advocate.

[falsehope]

The problem is that you are friends with him and he tries to exploit that friendship and make it relationship. Well, tell him that you have boyfriend already. Or actually get one. Bring someone who will pose as your boyfriend.
Tactically you could just limit your exposure to him, regardless you are interconnected try to break it, maybe you do not have to have such close friendship.
Well to some degree it may be the reason you're IEE. IEE women attract men in such a way they are nice and make men think that they are attracted to them. Another thing is that you depend on relationships and this makes some men trying to use them. So it's just IEE hood and as you said, you dont want to break this relationship (which would be the obvious choice), you will have to somewhat cope with this guy, maybe by not being nice to him.
You need also to understand that he's likely molesting you, and if it's taking place in school or work you should report it. The world will carry up without him, and will quickly forget him. Surely you can go without him.
If he's abusing his position this should be reported as well.
Dont be scared that you will break relationship with him so you need to be nice to him. You can keep relationship but still tell this creep to bugger off. Go and talk with him again, tell him that you are not feeling ok in his presence and he should stop making advances towards you. If he keeps doing that, speak to him again and again. You need to tell him all the things he's doing to harass you. Attack him personally, tell him what HE should stop be doing. That would not break relationship of course, it would actually make it better, not creepy one.

[Bertrand]

this thread is gold, I hope you keep us updated

[Ave]

unless he's gay

Or there is mutual repulsion.

[Eos]

Well this is a socionics forum and as much as I rally against assumptions Im just as guilty sometimes hah

Bertrand gets the one because eventually dual laws will come about and she he wtv is looking for logic

the heart want what it wants

[Eos]

One thing Ive found with IEE is that they think they are being plain and simple when really they are being vague and relying on hints and overtures to get a point across.

[Hope]

Its hard for IEEs assert themselves or their needs. They often avoid and evade confrontations or uncomfortable moments. They use delaying tactics as they try to always be polite in relations. Thats part of their program since they want to keep open the possibility of potential benefits.

Op said she was clear with him, my only suggestion then would be using elusive maneuvers such as those of IEE, long unexpressive face when he starts acting or saying weird stuff, avoiding hanging out so much with him for some time, etc.

I think though, you should be prepared for a potential break up in your relations, since there are guys which only interest in females is pretty much romantic and not much more. I dont know how is he, but you should be aware of that.

[Sol]

say ESI more of psychoanalysis about his hiden motives and personal weaknesses

> I tried to seem as irresponsible as possible, pointing at the fact that our values do not match at all.

take into account the chance your types are other

a note: J-S types are the most stubborn

[velveteen]

Tell em to fuck off.

That's what an ESI would do.

[End]

Hello dear Gammas,
I have a problem with my fellow ESI dude. He seems to really set his eyes on me despite the fact that I told him multiple times that it is not possible cause it will simply not work in a long run. I tried to seem as irresponsible as possible, pointing at the fact that our values do not match at all. He is more of a family guy, I am a party girl so to speak. He still believes that I will change in the future and is willing to wait.

I am something from Ne/Si department, and I am unable to deal with his pressure in a long run - my methods simply do not work.

I do not want to strain our relations, we are really great friends, and we are interconnected in many areas in life (I do not want to go into further details). Falling apart would be disastrous and with fatal consequences.

If you have any suggestions, except of course the ones that would mean cutting it off with him, that would be really great. I know I may be perceived as a wuss about it, but as you are fellow socionpeople, you probably know that any attempt of using my not so strong functions as Se for example will only be ridiculous.

Just a little bit of additional advice, in the vein of the recommendations of @AdamStrange to max out unpredictability. Look up Quantum Number generators. Roll some dice with those in regards to your actions. What will you, for example, eat for lunch today? Come up with six possibilities, assign them a number, and roll for it. What will you have today? The quantum fried rice, the quantum cheeseburger, the quantum Indian buffet, etc? https://qrng.anu.edu.au/

Go visit that, figure it out, use it, and then have all the fun in the world fucking with any wannabe Psychohistorians schemes. Create thine own Butterfly effects!

[ooo]

ESI are devoted and they'll love you until they'll love you. it's hard to spoil the admiration or the affection they feel for someone, but the good thing is that if they like you, it's for who you are, not for who you might become. anyway, ESI tend to be bothered by unreliable people, or if they're not paid attention to, or if you find their weak spot (I'm thinking of the ESIs I know who have very firm political opinions) and hit it, you'll automatically lose points in his eyes.

but it would be better to be straight; people, and men in particular, tend to misread unmatching actions+words, so if you tell him nothing and try to put on some kind of act to distance him, he might not understand your behavior and end up falling for you even more, which would be unfortunate. same thing if you tell them off but keep being nice, he might not understand and think he's still got a chance... you should blend the 2 attitudes together and this might mean to distance yourself from him for real, for some time. in the meanwhile, prey* they'll find a new crush.

*a

[Ave]

but it would be better to be straight; people, and men in particular, tend to misread unmatching actions+words, so if you tell him nothing and try to put on some kind of act to distance him, he might not understand your behavior and end up falling for you even more, which would be unfortunate. same thing if you tell them off but keep being nice, he might not understand and think he's still got a chance... you should blend the 2 attitudes together and this might mean to distance yourself from him for real, for some time.

This.

[EvilTomatoe]

@Adam Strange Ghosting would be fine I guess, the thing that I am most feared of is his revenge. He is unfortunatelly that kind of person. If he feels betrayed, he will not hesitate to fuck somebody's life, and he is able to fuck with mine in many ways.

@falsehope *insert thank you gif*
That is exactly how I deep down feel about this situation - that my friendship is sort of abused and it should not be this way.

@Aki
You are totally right about that, he is in deed interested in women only as romantic endavours, this is one of many reason why it is not possible. I just want to be treated as a human being not as a piece of ass only worth listening to because of my sexuality.


This is my plan:
0. Rolling a dice to make my decisions as @End suggested (but this one just for myself, it sounds pretty cool)
1. Keep my distance as @Aki nad @ooo suggested.
2. Third Reich Wallpaper shit as @Troll Nr 007 said.
3. Telling him about socionics and pointing out ecaxt reasons but in sweet Te style as @Adam Strange said.


Phase 1 is already in motion and it seems to work. I stopped being overly friendly (which is kind of weird because I am overly friendly towards all people, calling them my cutie pies and sunshines, so i feel like a not a nice person, but if that's what it takes then I am fine with that). He became sort of neutral, I hope it is not a coincidence.
Thank all of you for your advice, supportive posts and even the ones I do not agree with, because I can see how much agree with posts I do agree.

[Hope]

Good luck cutie pie.

[Adam Strange]

Good luck.

[FDG]

You have to accept that you need to reject him (calmly, no big scenes, so I´d say, use your Fi?) and this will somewhat worsen your relations in the short run but stabilize them in the long run. You really have to tell him that you don´t want him as a boyfriend.

Now, I don´t know if he is your boss or a close colleague, in this case these type of attentions are obviously even more unwarranted and you could think about reporting them.

[consentingadult]

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO!!

[Spermatozoa]

Hello dear Gammas,
I have a problem with my fellow ESI dude. He seems to really set his eyes on me despite the fact that I told him multiple times that it is not possible cause it will simply not work in a long run. I tried to seem as irresponsible as possible, pointing at the fact that our values do not match at all. He is more of a family guy, I am a party girl so to speak. He still believes that I will change in the future and is willing to wait.

I am something from Ne/Si department, and I am unable to deal with his pressure in a long run - my methods simply do not work.

I do not want to strain our relations, we are really great friends, and we are interconnected in many areas in life (I do not want to go into further details). Falling apart would be disastrous and with fatal consequences.

If you have any suggestions, except of course the ones that would mean cutting it off with him, that would be really great. I know I may be perceived as a wuss about it, but as you are fellow socionpeople, you probably know that any attempt of using my not so strong functions as Se for example will only be ridiculous.

Maybe a joke about feminism and menstrual fluids. Throw Donald Trump, semen, and interracial gang bangs in there somewhere too.

For example:

Say you are a freebleeder who doesn't shave your legs BUT you support Donald Trump (Heil ******!) BUT you got fucked by an entire slave ship of negroes and all the cum made you stink in a slightly alkaline way for days.

[Lord Pixel]

There is an article around here titled “There and back again, the way to a man’s heart, and back”, or something like that. It basically says to act like their conflictors. In his case, an ILE.

Tell him that there are so many things to do with your life that you want to explore that there is no way you can see yourself ever settling down. Then become really unpredictable and unreliable. Make appointments and forget about them. Become enthusiastic about fly fishing one day, then electromics the next. Most importantly, never accept blame for anything you do that offends him. Assert forcefully that his misunderstandings of your behavior are his fault, not yours.

That should do it.

Damn, I've heard this about ILE before, is gaslighting a ILE stereotype?

[Adam Strange]

Damn, I've heard this about ILE before, is gaslighting a ILE stereotype?

No, I don't think gaslighting is a characteristic of any healthy type. Rather, ILE's just don't want to be responsible for other people, and that extends to not wanting to be responsible for other people's attitudes (which might include critiques of ILE behavior). This might even be the source of their durable democratic tendencies.

[MrsTortilla]

@EvilTomatoe

Hi. You might have already gotten good enough advice from everybody already, but I thought I'd mention what would work against me...

Adam mentioned it but I would emphasize it: miss appointments/don't show for things/blow him off a few times. This will probably send him into a mini inner panic and he will get the inkling you don't feel for him like he does for you.

He definitely is friends with you because he likes you romantically, no matter what else he may say.

You can't stop him from not liking you (I still love two exes from years and years ago deep down) but you can maybe make him tired of trying to get you by being unavailable as some have suggested...

Also the Ne advice is good.

Also this may seem weird but when my EII loses something, his searching process is SUCH A TURNOFF to me. Because let's say he's lost his phone. He then looks through everything in the house without actually "seeing" anything, shuffling objects around, and in the process makes a huge mess and then never ever finds the thing he lost. The low capability with Se seems weak and a big turnoff sometimes. If you pretend to have that problem it could become annoying. Then again maybe since he's so infatuated it'll just seem "cute."

And I doubt he will hurt you because you don't reciprocate. His revenge is probably reserved for those who do bad things to him or those he loves. Not reciprocating probably, while very painful internally, is not enough of a motivator for him to want to take revenge and destroy your life.

I'm kind of out of it tonight so I hope my writing was clear.

[The Reality Denialist]

Get a cough and be ill the wrong way. I remember when I had whooping cough and I had stop every few meters to cough my lungs out [this was in compulsory military service – thanks to it missed few camps which was the good side of it]. It surely has pissed off one ESI.
ESI: "Learn to cough the right way!"
Me: *be big jackass if you want to but the rhythm is not the first thing in my mind*

[Bastard]

Insult them.

[ashlesha]

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO!!

This.

[Alomoes]

My advice would be to tell him no, and then expect him to see that as a challenge. Then, he'll upscale attempts. The best way would be to sever connections. If this is not feasible, then I would suggest learning to cope with having a unwanted suitor.

On a fun side note, I am currently having leg tremmors. No this is not restless leg syndrome, it is muscle spasms. Good news is they don't hurt.

He is like me. I am doing the same thing.