Living with Depression

[Avalonia]

I feel incredibly nervous writing this, I'm afraid that someone will either be unsympathetic towards me or try to tell me that their life story is far worse than mine. I can't take living like this anymore, where the media becomes this twisted creature that completely destroys our perception of what it feels like to be empty and we are given the expectation that we should automatically recover from something, but that day of solace and recovery never came for me. I remember walking home from school each and every day, being bullied, beaten up and crying, while my mother giving me encouragement to keep moving and going forward. I started having suicidal thoughts when I was 9 and I felt this immense anxiety when talking to other people, like everything was pointless, no matter what I did. I grew up as an only child, without very many friends at all. The only two people I considered fairly close to me was my best friend, who I don't even speak to anymore and my cousin, who lives very far away from me. It still hurts to have to be forced to remember all of the things that have happened to me, trying to make friends as time passed, only to have one's life taken from being eaten away after an amoebic infection. I thought that things would look up for me after I got into a relationship with someone, but that didn't even improve my emotional state one bit. I only remembered that we broke up and what horrible things were said to me. I don't quite remember it very well, but it reminded me of when my mother would be very nice and encouraging, but then switch to intense anger and rage at me, whenever she was abused by my father. My father loved me very much, but he saw my mother only as an object, his trophy that served only to bring me into the world. This thought only gave my mother mixed emotions and this created her feelings of love/hate towards me. Even as time passes, I still remember how damaged I felt back then and how damaged I feel now. I don't know whether it's my past that's making me feel like this, or my clinical depression, but I only feel numb and deadened on the inside, without a single thought in my head. Thus, I continue to live, I cannot commit suicide, or else that would bring even more sadness into the world and I don't want anyone else to feel the way that I did. But I cannot stand the very thought of living like this either, I don't want to be forced to be happy or angry or sad, I only want to be free.

[chrys]

I hope you can find this freedom, you don't deserve any less.

[marooned]

that feeling of your mind being empty of thoughts is depression. I've felt that before, for years... medication helped it to go away.

I'm glad you will stay in the world. i am sorry for your suffering. if i was you i'd try medication because of how intense the depression is.

i wish you well.

[Beautiful sky]

I'm asking my ESE sister to read this

[Kim]

that feeling of your mind being empty of thoughts is depression. I've felt that before, for years... medication helped it to go away.

I'm glad you will stay in the world. i am sorry for your suffering. if i was you i'd try medication because of how intense the depression is.

i wish you well.

I second this. It's a horrible feeling because everything is so hopeless and dark. And it does not have to have a specific reason, which makes it so unpredictable and hard to deal with. Medication made all the difference for me, too (still does). It was literally like walking out of a grey fog of hopelessness and sadness.

[Sol]

I don't know whether it's my past that's making me feel like this

As you are living in now, but not in past, then the now is what makes your feelings.

I don't want to be forced to be happy or angry or sad, I only want to be free.

From Jung's typology side your depression is the problem with your weak functions. Socionics adds terms of valued and nonvalued ones. The depression may be linked to the insufficient activity of valued weak functions and sometimes excessive exhausting activity of nonvalued weak functions.
If you'll create typing thread with video, it would be possible to try identify your type and then you'd could something to do with weak functions. As there is a significant possibility to mistake about own type, I concede your type may to be not INTJ and needs the checking.

From behavioral psychology strong bad emotions is the result of deficiency of positive emotions and too much of negative ones. When you play in your memory bad things in your life - you recreate bad emotions. If you'll change your attention to positive things - your emotions will change appropriately.
The most important things for people are other people. When you feel good emotions and symphathy to people near, this makes you feel better. So when behavioral psychology deals with depressions it tries to make relations of people better and reduce their negative emotions when they deal with other people. Even without significant changing your behavior you may change your emotions to other people to better ones, and reduce negative emotions to them. It's in human nature to live with people, to feel yourself as part of people, to have co-feeling to others, care about them and to have good feelings to others. When a human lives against his nature, he will feel badly as the natural result. So on consciousness level you have issues with people and your feelings to them, this has large impact on what you call as depression.

[Animal]

It seems like you want very much to connect with others, and have unfortunately faced some significant setbacks to attaining that connection, which is understandably a very painful experience. If it helps, many people can relate to what you're going through. We humans depend on inclusion and acceptance in a tribe at a deep, primordial level. That's a tug, a pull, a drive that many of us have experienced, and is especially pronounced in adolescence and early adulthood.

Your anxiety in social situations presents one obstacle to that connection. It's perfectly normal that you would develop an anxiety complex around speaking to people after having been bullied and targeted with violence. That shit hurts, and can leave a lasting feeling that others are unsafe, leaving us with a remarkably narrower zone of perceived safety than the one with which we started life. Another obstacle has been the loss of at least two of the significant relationships you've managed to establish in your life: one friend died and the other was a romantic relationship that went south. And thirdly, you have your complicated relationship with your mother and father, adding stress to an already stressful situation, and you don't seem to have the requisite social support right now to really deal with the implications of all that mess.

The lifestyle component of depression is the inability to suffer. That sounds weird, but what I mean by "suffer" is the most literal definition of that word: "to experience or be subjected to; to endure or tolerate; to bear." Life hands us all baggage, one way or another. The Buddhists called the suffering inherent to human existence "dukkha." The Christians called it "our cross to bear." Nowadays, we are more prosaic: "shit happens." And it happens to us all.

When we're in depression, we see no way of carrying our suffering. It's too big, or seems overwhelming and insoluble/intractable and threatens to consume our entire course of living; or we may not have enough social support to bear it. People often mistake the path out of depression for abandoning their past, trying to forget, or unfeel what has been felt, or unthink what has been thought, or unlive what has been lived. This is actually the root cause of rumination -- the thinking pattern that characterizes depression. We are trying to think our way out of the life we've been given. And it never works. It just keeps us trapped, trying desperately to find a solution to our past or our future in our heads, where no answer exists.

I've learned through long, hard-won experience that the answer to depression is not to try to run away from the life you have, shitty or compromised as it may have been or may be at the moment. The answer is to embrace what your life is and has been, and yet find ways of making the future as good as it can be for you. Put another way, it's learning how to pack up your past and its relics in a convenient package, and carry it with you. In your case, one component of that seems to be learning to have compassion for the anxiety complex you've built up (which you had no choice in), and finding ways of establishing meaningful connection. Others have recommended medication to help, and that may be an option in learning to make life bearable again. Another option is therapy or counseling. Having someone who can understand and give insight into what you're dealing with can help make life's shit feel less overwhelming, and more bearable.

Anyway, good luck! I'm really sorry you've been experiencing so much pain for so long.

[Beautiful sky]

Avalonia, I think you've had a very difficult childhood and I don't think you're going to get any real resolution and help from us honestly. We are here to comfort you and to be a friend. I think you can make really good and lasting friendships on this site, I know I have, because there are wonderful, genuine people here.

I do feel that you need to and you must find professional help because there are a lot of unresolved emotions, like anger, depression, resentment and frustration that all need to be worked out with someone slowly, with care.

It's not easy holding on to guilt. Guilt is something that's very very hard to get over. I feel like sometimes advice (the wrong one is worse than no advice) as you may feel the same way and which you have expressed here.

So, Friendship, you may find genuine and nice people here to connect with who will give you a sense of connection. As for all the life difficulties you've had these may become less over time as you find happiness (remember happiness comes from within ourselves as we develop passions that define us, as we know ourselves and what comforts us). I really like what you've said that suicide is not the answer. I'm happy that you don't see that as an option but it is normal part of human emotions to think of it and the thought does cross people's minds.

[DirectorAbbie]

I thought that things would look up for me after I got into a relationship with someone,

A romantic relationship should never be sought as a cure or fix for one's life. But maybe you've already learned this.

I don't know whether it's my past that's making me feel like this, or my clinical depression,

I would assume the two are related.

I only want to be free.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." -2 Corinthians 3:17 (Paul)
"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." -John 8:36 (Jesus)
"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." -John 8:32 (Jesus)

[Not A Communist Shill]

I don't think the effects of your negative experiences or your depression will ever quite leave you: you will always be somewhat vulnerable. However, it is very important to appreciate that your future is essentially infinite in terms of positive potential, and that while dwelling on your memories may cause you great distress, they are the mark of a considerate individual. There are many individuals who do not consider the consequence of their actions: if the world is fortunate, they achieve much good through their unbridled activity.

I would certainly recommend that seeking/continuing help from doctors is the first thing to do (and if this is unsatisfying, find another doctor etc.). While it might seem like an overly simplistic remedy to such profound issues, walking daily for a mile or so should be beneficial, as might reading outside (exercise is supposed to be the no. 1 cure-all for everything, and is beneficial for lessening the effects of depression. Vitamin D from sunlight has a similar effect, and to a lesser extent, the other various vitamins that you can get from diet. Going out in the world and reading also stimulates the mind, which are inherently beneficial.

Keeping track of your thoughts through writing may also be good (you may wish to write in code): whether your anxieties and fears and reflections on the past, or through various forms of creative writing and other such projects. I personally found it cathartic to write down negative thoughts I frequently had, developing them on the page...and then destroying them, and periodically repeating the process if needs be (somehow, it made me think less about the negative thoughts). I think throughout the day however, constantly dwelling on negative thoughts is very harmful, and literally sickening: they should not be dwelt on for their own sake, but avoided as far as possible.

You would benefit I think from joining groups and attending meet-ups in your area devoted to your interests (especially with individuals close to your own age, at first, although this may be a somewhat limited option depending on the interest\group: I suspect that various university groups would permit non-students to join). It is clear you are certainly a master of a few subjects already. At your comparatively young age also, it would be highly advantageous for you to contact various professors and employers in your fields of interest for more information on various matters.

[niffer]

@Avalonia Thank you for having the courage to share some of your depths with us. What you've had to grow up with / what you're living with sounds extremely disturbing. I won't let this fact slip by because it feels like shit when you have to see how screwed up people can be in your family first hand day in day out for all of your formative years, and you are dependent on them and cannot escape, and being so intelligent and fully seeing and comprehending what is going on only makes it worse when nobody else can fully get it and be with you to share your pain with you either. People in the outside world are hell, and then you go home where you may be physically safe, but the emotions you experience from others create a whole other version of hell. This is the kind of thing that sticks deep in your psyche, and for others who haven't experienced it to some degree, the level of sympathy they have to offer can be truly disappointing.

The media, society etc. is a nuisance, but you do have the power to stay true to who you are. You can take as long as you need, and it may or may not come easy.. surely you will be faced with setbacks again, as those are inevitable with life, but with enough time, I do not think that the human mind can cling onto one emotional state forever. It is inclined towards letting go of negativity from the past, as difficult to believe as that sounds. I'm speaking as someone who currently receives therapy and who has undergone depression and anxiety as well. I'm also trying to work through my past and free myself from the negativity that seems to have kept coming back. From one internet weirdo to another, we can certainly do it. Remember that now as an adult, you are in a different situation than the one you were in before, and have the power to keep changing things for yourself and others for the better. You ARE free. Please have hope. <3

[Resonare]

I'm not saying you should kill yourself or anything but why do you care about how sad people will be if you commit suicide when those same people obviously don't care enough about you and the unhappiness you are so blatantly experiencing?

[Animal]

I'm not saying you should kill yourself or anything but why do you care about how sad people will be if you commit suicide when those same people obviously don't care enough about you and the unhappiness you are so blatantly experiencing?

You don't know that they don't care. They may simply not have had the requisite knowledge or inner resources to know how to best help OP, or may not have been aware of the severity of his/her suffering. Almost no one in my life knew the extent to which I was depressed because I hid it well and put up a strong front. This is very common.

[niffer]

I'm not saying you should kill yourself or anything but why do you care about how sad people will be if you commit suicide when those same people obviously don't care enough about you and the unhappiness you are so blatantly experiencing?

Because Fe valuing

[Aylen]

I'm not saying you should kill yourself or anything but why do you care about how sad people will be if you commit suicide when those same people obviously don't care enough about you and the unhappiness you are so blatantly experiencing?

I absolutely know who would be destroyed if I killed myself without them telling me, even though some have. It is what kept me going when I didn't think I could. When I was severely depressed I went to sleep every night willing myself not to wake up. Every morning my heart would sink when I realized I had to face another day. What I did was find one reason to live every day and it was usually a person I knew loved me and I put myself in their place. I also know that losing people, I cared about, to suicide is one of the worst things I ever had to go through. Especially those who I thought I had reached.

I am so sorry you are in this much pain @Avalonia there is nothing I can say that others didn't already. Just keep holding on, go to therapy, take the meds and it will get better. Keep talking to anyone who will listen. It is when we withdraw from others that it becomes easier to let go. Keep talking...

[Resonare]

You don't know that they don't care. They may simply not have had the requisite knowledge or inner resources to know how to best help OP, or may not have been aware of the severity of his/her suffering. Almost no one in my life knew the extent to which I was depressed because I hid it well and put up a strong front. This is very common.

That does not sound like depression. Depressed people actually want someone to notice and care, hence why they exhibit unhealthy habits as a cry for help. The more severe the condition, the greater the cry becomes and the longer people around the person ignore it, the deeper into depression that person will fall believing that nobody cares for them. OP seems to have a somewhat serious case so it's fairly unlikely the people around him haven't picked up on it yet.

You sound as if you were suffering from a short-term episode of sadness rather than actual depression, the latter of which leaks everywhere from personal relationships to general health. You could try to cover it up but if you manage to do so then your case probably wasn't serious to begin with.

[niffer]

I might be going too far with this so I apologize in advance...

This might be a bit of a wild guess as to how true it is, but the message that you received throughout your years growing up with your parents was that being open with your emotions and nurturing with others like your mother (Fe) was an invitation to pain and instability (removal of Si). Leveraging clues from socionics may or may not be useful in terms of analyzing your life and ingrained beliefs for personal growth.

[Animal]

That does not sound like depression. Depressed people actually want someone to notice and care, hence why they exhibit unhealthy habits as a cry for help. The more severe the condition, the greater the cry becomes and the longer people around the person ignore it, the deeper into depression that person will fall believing that nobody cares for them. OP seems to have a somewhat serious case so it's fairly unlikely the people around him haven't picked up on it yet.

You sound as if you were suffering from a short-term episode of sadness rather than actual depression, the latter of which leaks everywhere from personal relationships to general health. You could try to cover it up but if you manage to do so then your case probably wasn't serious to begin with.

Can't tell if you're serious or not... Have you seriously never heard of someone who committed suicide, who suffered in silence for many years, and whose struggle and ultimate choice to end their life came as a complete shock to those who loved them? This is an unfortunately common scenario. High-functioning depressives are all around you. If you read any of the clinical manuals written for mental health professionals on the treatment of depression (especially some of the more recent ones, like Beck's Cognitive Therapy of Depression (1987) or Zettle's Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Depression (2007)), you will find numerous case studies of depressives who seem to operate at a very high level, working prestigious and demanding occupations and achieving great degrees of material success. Depression does not always manifest in the way you are describing. The DSM diagnostic criteria for major depressive disorder are as follows:

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain
4. insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day
5. psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
9. recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

A person must have five or more of these symptoms for a period of at least two weeks. Most of those symptoms are internal experiences, and need only be obvious to the one who is suffering. It is absolutely possible to qualify for a diagnosis of depression without anyone else noticing, especially if you live alone or have a work situation that is relatively solitary. I didn't share any of my earlier depressive episodes with most of my friends or family.

[Resonare]

As someone who had recurrent bouts of depression for over a decade, your apparent tone-deafness is kind of amusing. Have you seriously never heard of someone who committed suicide, who suffered in silence for many years, and whose struggle and ultimate choice to end their life came as a complete shock to those who loved them? This is an unfortunately common scenario. High-functioning depressives are all around you. If you read any of the clinical manuals written for mental health professionals on the treatment of depression (especially some of the more recent ones, when depression has been recognized to affect more than disenchanted housewives, like Beck's Cognitive Therapy of Depression (1987) or Zettle's Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Depression (2007)), you will find numerous case studies of depressives who seem to operate at a very high level, working prestigious and demanding occupations and achieving great degrees of material success. Depression does not always manifest in the way you are describing. The DSM diagnostic criteria for major depressive disorder are as follows:

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain
4. insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day
5. psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
9. recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

A person must have five or more of these symptoms for a period of at least two weeks. Most of those symptoms are internal experiences, and need only be obvious to the one who is suffering. It is absolutely possible to qualify for a diagnosis of depression without anyone else noticing, especially if you live alone or have a work situation that is relatively solitary. I didn't share any of my depressive episodes with most of my friends or family.

I've been clinically diagnosed with depression for almost a decade now, no "bouts" with it on and off like yourself.

I was actually hoping you'd post that exact list. Even those you believe are suffering in silence are still displaying at least 5 of those symptoms of depression and most are not internal but are easily ignored by people who simply don't care.

depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day (Noticed by family, friends, and co-workers)
markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (Noticed by SO)
significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (Noticed by family, friends and co-workers)
insomnia or Hypersomnia nearly every day (Depends on the degree, but at least SO)
psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day (Noticed and frequently commented on by everyone irl)
feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)(Internal)
diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide (Internal)


Of course, removing family, friends and co-workers (as you have at the end of your post) leaves no group of people who see the sufferer on a regular enough basis to notice the symptoms, but then the question of whether or not people outside of those groups even care to begin with becomes an awfully interesting one. And there are some who just can't connect the dots but for the most part people do know what this looks like and just don't care enough to do anything about it. In severe cases these symptoms become nearly impossible to miss.

So now that we've confirmed that a sufferer will consistently display at least 3 visible signs to family, friends and co-workers...

I'm not saying you should kill yourself or anything but why do you care about how sad people will be if you commit suicide when those same people obviously don't care enough about you and the unhappiness you are so blatantly experiencing?

I'd like OP to answer this question.

[Animal]

I've been clinically diagnosed with depression for almost a decade now, no "bouts" with it on and off like yourself.

Does the fact that my depression was episodic and apparently not as intractable or as visible as yours make it invalid? Look, I'm sorry you've gone through so much, but I think your haste to paint OP's family and friends "uncaring" is misguided.

@Avalonia can respond if they choose, but I will simply say that sometimes, there are circumstantial, personal, or cultural factors that make depression harder to recognize in some people than in others, and which determine the way in which people close to them respond. My family is South Asian. As in many Asian cultures, mental illness has only recently been recognized among Indians as anything other than a personal failing or a source of familial shame to be kept under wraps. I grew up in a very success-oriented, deliriously workaholic family, and I went out of me way never to show the chinks in my armor around them and soldiered on. Even to show emotional vulnerability or inability to function in some cultures is shameful or verboten. This will probably strike you as masochistic, serving the interests of those who "simply don't care", but sometimes things are more complicated and more nuanced. In my case, it wasn't that my family wouldn't or didn't care. It's that, even if they did care, they would not have recognized depression as a medical condition, but rather as behavioral or emotional stubbornness, and would have treated as such... because that's all they knew. Still, I knew then and still know that my parents love me, and would be devastated if I had committed suicide.

There are other cultures that wouldn't recognized the face of depression or under whose influence it is risky to reveal it: military culture, certain religious traditions, the micro-culture of certain family units. Sometimes people do care, but the form and the extent that that "caring" can take is determined by many varying factors, and the way symptoms are interpreted can be greatly affected by the lens through which one is conditioned to view them.

[Satan]

people talking about depression is depressing

[wacey]

I return to songs like this again and again because those words are a litany that can carry me through so much. That's how I moved through the shadowed times. Shadows can change. The light returns to you and eventually you can feel again. Guaranteed.



You've made a good move reaching out here. Any reaching out you do in any form shows your strength. Lots of great people here, lots of good advice. Keep your ears open. Grab onto what rings true for you.

You are not alone.

[Jeremy8419]

Less depression. More physical labor.

[nickelslick]

Less depression. More physical labor.

I get it, I get it. You're into S&M and the banhammer turns you on.

[Jeremy8419]

I get it, I get it. You're into S&M and the banhammer turns you on.

This isn't even the same person lol.

[Resonare]

Does the fact that my depression was episodic and apparently not as intractable or as visible as yours make it invalid? Look, I'm sorry you've gone through so much, but I think your haste to paint OP's family and friends "uncaring" is misguided.

Compared to some of the cases I've seen my case isn't even severe and yet those around me irl noticed it years ago. Perhaps I do simply have perceptive people around me but a lot of the time people do see the signs but only care after something serious happens.

@Avalonia can respond if they choose, but I will simply say that sometimes, there are circumstantial, personal, or cultural factors that make depression harder to recognize in some people than in others, and which determine the way in which people close to them respond. My family is South Asian. As in many Asian cultures, mental illness has only recently been recognized among Indians as anything other than a personal failing or a source of familial shame to be kept under wraps. I grew up in a very success-oriented, deliriously workaholic family, and I went out of me way never to show the chinks in my armor around them and soldiered on. Even to show emotional vulnerability or inability to function in some cultures is shameful or verboten. This will probably strike you as masochistic, serving the interests of those who "simply don't care", but sometimes things are more complicated and more nuanced. In my case, it wasn't that my family wouldn't or didn't care. It's that, even if they did care, they would not have recognized depression as a medical condition, but rather as behavioral or emotional stubbornness, and would have treated as such... because that's all they knew. Still, I knew then and still know that my parents love me, and would be devastated if I had committed suicide.

There are other cultures that wouldn't recognized the face of depression or under whose influence it is risky to reveal it: military culture, certain religious traditions, the micro-culture of certain family units. Sometimes people do care, but the form and the extent that that "caring" can take is determined by many varying factors, and the way symptoms are interpreted can be greatly affected by the lens through which one is conditioned to view them.

Fair enough, but my family is British-Nigerian so I take the above with a grain of salt.

[blackburry]

Resonare: nice of you to do exactly what the OP requested not to.
Make your own thread.

[lemontrees]

I think sometimes when you have a history of being mistreated you're more likely or more willing to walk into situations that might repeat that.

However, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be treated well.

My two cents.

[LauriesCrusador]

I don't know whether it's my past that's making me feel like this, or my clinical depression, but I only feel numb and deadened on the inside, without a single thought in my head.

Let me tell you upfront that I'm not trying to downplay your serious problems/disease in any way or offend you with the following but we don't know each other and I don't want you to get it the wrong way.

Your past experiences may have well led to depression. Carrying with us past trauma and/or difficult childhood experiences can lead to health problems sometime later, be it of mental or physical nature. And sometimes just one shitty experience can beat us down then. Trauma and/or going to a difficult childhood can also affect our relationships with other people.

After what you've experienced it's no surprise that you feel the way you do. Well, it's totally normal. Considering the circumstances, as a kid you were in "survival coping mode" (automatic process by the brain to protect yourself - nonetheless your nervous system processed every experience, i.e. plenty of shit) and unfortunately it's possible to carry this "survival coping mode" into our adult years which as a result affects our life even though we think we've got over "it" and have everything under control.

Far be it from me to offend you, as previously stated, and I'm speculating a bit here only by the things you mentioned in your OP but when you're reminded of past experiences from childhood by the way people act towards you or what they say to you or similar situations that happen nowadays it can't be excluded that you, albeit completely unconsciously, still react by using your learned "survival coping mode" and as a result causing problems to others (too) because they don't understand your (re)actions...

While it is not possible to erase our past out of our mind (as great as this would be, at least in parts) it's possible and important to come to terms with past trauma or other serious difficult experiences. This process might be painful and may take a while (perhaps even years) but it's important for our peace of mind.

I do hope you have (or find) someone you can fully trust in order to reveal your craziest, worst and abysmal thoughts and who is able to help you find ways to break out of this shit and look at everything in a (more) healthy way so that everything experienced doesn't haunt you in an unhealthy way anymore and you finally take back or find your sovereignty.



--------------------------------------------------------------

As for depression in general, I think most people are not capable of detecting the symtoms and connecting the dots in the right way, let alone diagnosing depression in another person since depression is a complex disease. Most people also don't know how to help and are simply overwhelmed by the whole situation or misjudge the situation altogether, perhaps thinking that "it" will work itself out. Others rather draw a veil of silent over it since depression is still highly stigmatized. This stigma is probably the greatest obstacle to care and is probably also the reason why many who suffer from depression rather keep it secret.

Those who feel called to recognize the symtoms and connect the dots in the right way often overestimate themselves, those who had suicide in their family or among friends can be the worst of all since (traumatized themselves) in an attempt to prevent it from happening again, they jump to conclusions... kinda "see the signs/symptoms" and basically project their own trauma/problems on others, as a result often inflicting more damage on someone than actually helping them. Face it, one of the best ways to send someone into depression is to act as if they have depression and tell them over and over again that they have depression without backing up that claim with solid medical evidence and telling them that - because of their depression - they are incapable to see it themselves. Acting as if they have no feelings is another great way to send someone into depression. This can be a really crazy and devastating circle for those who are on the receiving end.

...and when then someone actually finally commits suicide, those who "wanted to help" feel vindicated, leaving the dead holding the baby and continue being in denial that their behavior (may have) contributed to the suicide since this way of thinking makes it so easy or waaay easier to go on with life as usual... and so nothing ever changes.

I sometimes wonder if the day will ever come when people talk about addiction, suicide and depression at the grocery store just like talking about their last vacation. Considering how dysfunctional our society is and how willingly most people adjust to it I don't see this coming anytime soon if at all, though.