SLIs/ISTps testing other people's feelings
I have asked Isha this, but would like to know what you guys think
Do you test the feelings of the ppl close to you. In test I mean, do things or say things that may come across as your being uninterested, in order to verfy that the other person cares
oh yeah, and do you read body language, and expecially facial expressions, in order to figure out what the other person feels?
I'm really curious to know, so please reply. Soonheh
n00bIEE
I ususally have friends wondering if I mean what I have said just because I can be sarcastic. At times, I don't even know if I mean what I said either! This allows me to be noncommittal and test the waters at the same time.Originally Posted by dattebayo
I have asked Isha this, but would like to know what you guys think
Do you test the feelings of the ppl close to you. In test I mean, do things or say things that may come across as your being uninterested, in order to verfy that the other person cares
oh yeah, and do you read body language, and expecially facial expressions, in order to figure out what the other person feels?
I'm really curious to know, so please reply. Soon
friend: Did you like the movie?
me: Wow! That was some movie!
friend: So you liked it?
me: It exceeded my wildest expectations.
friend: yeah...ok..so you liked it?
me: I don't believe I've ever seen anything like it before.
As for facial expressions, they often betray me. I have this eyebrow, like Mr. Spock, that gives me away every time.
So, yes, I'm all about counter-punching. Never the direct approach, unless I'm pissed.
ISTp
SLI
Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.
Yes, I do that.
Yes, though I don't always rely on it.
I do the EXACT SAME THING.
“Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”
We are clearly from the same tribe.Yes, I do that.
Yes, though I don't always rely on it.
ISTp
SLI
Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.
“Whether we fall by ambition, blood, or lust, like diamonds we are cut with our own dust.”
That guy's not from the same tribe. He has mandibles.
IEE
I wonder if he'd be as forthright in saying that the are false mandibles
I think they do that sometimes for fear of being "left hanging," at least that's the impression I get. It's the fear of having your feelings out in the open. For example, there's one time an SLI friend invited me over to watch a fight on tv later on at night, but he didn't sound like he was even that interested about it, and I thought that the invite was done out of being nice without really wanting me to go. So, I didn't think much of it and left it like that. The next day he sounded kind of hurt that I didn't go, but If I knew it had meant that much to him I probably would've gone. I think they do play it safe by testing other people's reactions, but it can potentially confuse the other person.I have asked Isha this, but would like to know what you guys think
Do you test the feelings of the ppl close to you. In test I mean, do things or say things that may come across as your being uninterested, in order to verfy that the other person cares
oh yeah, and do you read body language, and expecially facial expressions, in order to figure out what the other person feels?
I'm really curious to know, so please reply. Soon
For someone without previous experience of dealing with them, something like "well, there's this cool place to eat we can go, but whatever... *uninterested shrug*" sounds like they are not really inviting you to go out. With time I think I've gotten better at figuring out the true intentions in people based on how they act. Maybe IEEs are more "psychological" in that sense, which definitely helps in these situations.
Sereno, what's your type? I'm on here ia my iPhone and can't read signatures...just curious. Anyhow, I do this a lot. More than Im consciously aware of probobly. I'm sure it drives people crazy.
INFj, sexy subtype.
No, that's what the woman in my signature fears.
Me no comprende.
She's a strong conservative/republican/right winger.
Isn't hanging lefties, what a strong right winger would want, rather than fear
...the human race will disappear. Other races will appear and disappear in turn. The sky will become icy and void, pierced by the feeble light of half-dead stars. Which will also disappear. Everything will disappear. And what human beings do is just as free of sense as the free motion of elementary particles. Good, evil, morality, feelings? Pure 'Victorian fictions'.
INTp
Yes, I can do this type of thing a lot too.
Ah yeah. I can definitely relate to this, If I'm reading what you mean correctly. The kind of counter perspectives your describing seem typical of Fe types, I think. I find it rather superficial that they would think of the situation in those terms, and I can't reach the person in the way I would like.I think they do that sometimes for fear of being "left hanging," at least that's the impression I get. It's the fear of having your feelings out in the open. For example, there's one time an SLI friend invited me over to watch a fight on tv later on at night, but he didn't sound like he was even that interested about it, and I thought that the invite was done out of being nice without really wanting me to go. So, I didn't think much of it and left it like that. The next day he sounded kind of hurt that I didn't go, but If I knew it had meant that much to him I probably would've gone. I think they do play it safe by testing other people's reactions, but it can potentially confuse the other person.
For someone without previous experience of dealing with them, something like "well, there's this cool place to eat we can go, but whatever... *uninterested shrug*" sounds like they are not really inviting you to go out
I think I hijacked dattebayo thread a bit. So now we return to the regularly schedule thread, already in progress....I have asked Isha this, but would like to know what you guys think
Do you test the feelings of the ppl close to you. In test I mean, do things or say things that may come across as your being uninterested, in order to verfy that the other person cares
oh yeah, and do you read body language, and expecially facial expressions, in order to figure out what the other person feels?
I'm really curious to know, so please reply. Soon
...and so in conclusion, yes, I do test my friends and aquaintences to guage their level of companionship. I'm terrible at it since I'm always surprised one way or the other, embarrased when they are more commited than I have been, and hurt when I've over-committed.
ISTp
SLI
Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.
OMG yes. I can't tell you how many SLIs I've blown off because it looks like they're inviting me simply because I'm standing there breathing. And then I feel like I'm inviting myself, which is even worse. Like we're just hanging out only because I'm badgering them for time.For someone without previous experience of dealing with them, something like "well, there's this cool place to eat we can go, but whatever... *uninterested shrug*" sounds like they are not really inviting you to go out
Sorry, SLIs, but your method backfires 98% of the time.
My most recent dating scenario went something like this. Even being friends with him now goes like this. If I call him, we always have really long, great conversations, but when I walk up and talk to him, he blows me off and acts like I'm bothering him. He's much friendlier and more natural with everyone else, it seems.
IEE
Sorry about that. We do live in the moment, so it helps if you don't sneak up on us. What can we do to be more aware? And less measured?
ISTp
SLI
Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.
so it helps if you don't sneak up on us.
I don't know. It's probably my own problem. I'm just hypersensitive to bothering people.
IEE
No, I totally feel this all the way. SiTe basically need to allow themselves to be more vulnerable and be hurt if they see something good.
I don't know. It's probably my own problem. I'm just hypersensitive to bothering people.
Hmm, he could likes you so much that its uncomfortable being around you, or he only wants to deal with you when he chooses, which is a sign of not being prepared for relationships.
But, what does being vulnerable entail here?
What do you mean? What do you want to see?
Me too.
I don't know. It's probably my own problem. I'm just hypersensitive to bothering people.
Hummm......
ISTp
SLI
Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.
for me this is a big one. I love it when another person trusts me so much that they are able to be themselves around me. Being vulnerable around me is the biggest indicator of closeness in our relationship. I love that. Especially when it comes from a super private person. So it's not that I want to see anything specific. Its more that I just want you to be your self
n00bIEE
the stuff you guys have posted so far matches very well with what I have noticed
I sort of get it when it's in the initial phase of a relationship. The "obligatory hot/cold vibes" you get from a SLI when you're just starting out, I sort of sympathise with. I mean the SLI is just protecting him/her self. It doesn't bother me that much. As soon as the SLI feels sure of how you feel, it stops being an issue. And as long as the SLI is interested in you I find that taking the first step will result in the SLI taking a step towards you in return. So I just keep taking the first step, and as long as the SLI appreciates this I continue until a certain closeness is established
what I don't really understand is the "testing" that pops up once in a while, when you have known each other for a looooong time. This is not the typical hot/cold approach. It's more a weird testing. I can't come any closer to what it is like than weirdha ha. But it's like I dunno... it's like when my SLI brother will say or do something deliberately to hurt someone close to him and then get really hurt if they don't reasure him that they love him. That when he has just hurt them for no reason
Cyrano, can you elaborate this? In what way do you test ppl? and do you only test ppl that are close to you? My SLI brother and bf only test the persons closest to them. I hate watching this, cause they end up hurting not only the other person but also themselves when they don't get the exact reaction that they are hoping for
n00bIEE
for me this is a big one. I love it when another person trusts me so much that they are able to be themselves around me. Being vulnerable around me is the biggest indicator of closeness in our relationship. I love that. Especially when it comes from a super private person. So it's not that I want to see anything specific. Its more that I just want you to be your selfEh, I still don't get it.Ryu, I was about to answer your question when I read this... and I am the exact same way, so +1
So "being vulnerable = being authentic" ?
I don't understand how being yourself is vulnerable, and/or how that relates to "SiTe basically need to allow themselves to be more vulnerable and be hurt if they see something good."
I don't feel vulnerability when I'm "being myself" to somebody else. But maybe it's more like a sense of being less guarded about how you feel about things?
Though I'm not necessarily a fan of that equation, haha, I think there is something to it: being authentic CAN mean being vulnerable, which I think can be scary if you're not sure the person you're getting to know is trustworthy not to take advantage of that vulnerability in some way. And I've heard Fi-HA people say [here and irl] that they sometimes doubt their abilities to quickly determine whether another person is "good" or "bad" [especially when physical attraction/hormones/etc get involved in the mix], so I can see why they would hold off a bit in the beginning... as for why they would do it over and over once the bond is solid, I'm not really sure. That part does confuse me a bit.....
Right. It's more than being yourself, imo. It's being willing to show interest, which makes you vulnerable in the event that the interest the other person feels is unequal. And being trusted in that way, as well as others, is very meaningful imo.I don't feel vulnerability when I'm "being myself" to somebody else. But maybe it's more like a sense of being less guarded about how you feel about things?
This one. I value that. It's relief to be "me" rather than "what you expect of me", and the first friend I experienced that with was pretty profound, and helped solidify my identity quite a bit.
I had a birthday last week (August 9). I wondered, Who would take notice? None of you at 16types did.
I did get a few birthday greetings from friends, but I haven't responded yet. Not sure why. I will get back to them right away, maybe today...
I'm sorry to say that for some of those who did remember my B-Day, I can't quite remember when their birthday falls. Hope I haven't missed it, and I'd better find some clever way to ask them, without letting them know that I've forgoten, when I write back. Should have written it down last year, again.
I am truely grateful for my friends who remembered me. I don't know what I would do without them. How thoughtful of them to have remembered me.
ISTp
SLI
Enneagram 5 with a side of wings.
Sky can correct me if this is not true, but what she means about "vulnerability" if we go to the example I gave before about going to watch a fight on tv is that my friend could have simply showed interest in me going, even if I could have declined the offer, which could have "hurt." This previous example sounds kind of silly, but just imagine something that you really like and want to share with someone and you're putting yourself "out there," so to speak, and having the offer rejected can hurt you. Like when you get worked up and sound excited about something, and you're being open to possibly getting turned down. I've noticed that with SLIs for example, they don't really put themselves in this type of situation. In my case I've been in situations where I've offered a get to together and people show up late, or simply don't show up, etc, or I've offered to do something with enthusiasm but people aren't really interested. It hurts at times, and I definitely understand the mentality of not putting yourself in these kinds of situations, but it's a risk you take, and I believe that it pays off when you find people who share your vibe.
Happy belated birthday
Being vulnerable means allowing yourself to be hurt, a position where you can be taken advantage of. So if you like or trust someone, allow yourself to be open to rejection or someone misusing your trust. Because if you only expect others to do this, and you stay safe in your shell, then you ward off others because they can sense you're not being completely yourself and also get confused because they try to take your actions upfront when you're testing them for a particular action. If the person is worth it, you can be continually vulnerable to them, and trust them to not hurt you. You can say what's on your mind, you can fuck up, act silly, do everything that's first impulse... And they will still be there for you and not criticize you. You can trust them to do whatever and be themselves and know that they won't use your weaknesses against you, that they won't intentionally hurt you.
I agree with sappho though, this applies to all relationships most likely. But each type has a particular slant to it.
Attempting to "test" the sincerity of the feelings of someone close to me is something I have absolutely no interest in doing.
This is a fine example on a micro level. Something that happens everyday and seems trite, but when dealing with emotions and relationships, magnifies in importance.
I see what you're saying
Being yourself can mean being vulnerable if it means putting yourself out there. I gues I meant something along the line that you would feel comfortable exposing yourself around me. It can be anything really. If you tell me something about your past that you have never told anyone else out of fear of being judged, or just anything that was really private to you, that you felt uncomfortable letting others know
@ songofsappho: didn't you use to be a SLI youself?
I'm with you on that one
n00bIEE
Thanks I think I get your point, and despite not being online for a couple of weeks and not really knowing you yet I feel guilty lol
Happy birthday Cyrano. I hope you had a good one
n00bIEE
I just saw this. +1 (look.to.the.sky I've never read any post from you before but you seem extremely Ne+Fi
unfortunately it doesn't happen too often
that's interesting. Most SLIs seem to recognize this behavior. Cool that you don't though. Could it be because the ppl around you assure you without you having to test them first?
n00bIEE
I've always been hypersensitive to rejection or even perceived rejection. I rarely put myself out there. I don't know if this is common with LII's though.
LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP
My LII will friend will hesitate asking me out to see a movie, go eat lunch with him, or go on an expensive holiday (it was with the rest of our school crew, or planned as such. Now I feel bad for saying no). I know another LII who's been sitting for who knows how many months on a crush on her BFF, and would rather deal with the internal dramafest than just fess up. I understand that's a particularly painful scenario, though, so fair's fair
You're not alone!
I think most people are sensitive to rejection. Some just push through the fear more and act anyway.My LII will friend will hesitate asking me out to see a movie, go eat lunch with him, or go on an expensive holiday (it was with the rest of our school crew, or planned as such. Now I feel bad for saying no
You're not alone!
LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP
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