Type me round one
So I thought I would throw in the round one since it seems that everyone has more than one spin on the merry-go-round, but really it is because I have no clue where I am going with this. I really do not want to take this down sappy lane, and I know no matter what I write I will not believe a lick of it is accurate come tomorrow. I guess my problem is that I am never really sure exactly how a scenario played out down to the details, such as what I was thinking exactly or how I felt, or no I think maybe it just came to me. Maybe, since I ponder my past decisions and loop them over and over in order to feel that my decision was a valid one that my feelings and thoughts change so much that all my new thoughts, feelings, and such take the place of the old ones.
It just feels like I am constantly changing, and how I am in any one moment is all I can focus on that I miss who I really am. I am so wrapped up in myself that I am not able to see what is really going on. On that same note though I have this way of looking at things that I see the whole and cannot possibly handle the parts because they either seem so pointless or I cannot buy into the koolaide and therfore my effort cannot come from the heart and I will not succeed. Sometimes I feel like I am too smart for my own good, the next I think maybe I am just crazy, and other time I feel like I am on top of everything. Like I got my hands of everything and a grasp on nothing.
I am not even sure this captures what I want to say properly. I sit and wonder sometimes why I cannot seem to communicate my message when I understand it so perfectly when no one else seems to have any problem. Why can I not just go to work and play the game and make a buck? Why does it always feel like I am five steps ahead of any process making my next move pointless. All these stupid rules and hoops. It is like I know I am going to go here and get a bullshit response, then I will have to talk to someone else who will not step up, then go here, and so on and so on. But then I have to tell myself that it is all part of the game, everyone has to play their role, and you are either in or out.
All this vacillating between the here and now world and the world that exists but no one sees makes me wonder if I have been given some gift, the gift of perspective, if only I could do something with it. I hate the mundane existance of going to a silly job everyday, the meaninglessness of it. Everything seems so pointless anymore, I do not know. Life feels like one big loop that we are doomed to repeat, and I just want to know what the point of doing something. Nothing feels grand enough. Feels like there is something wrong with me, maybe there is, maybe if there is something to this whole theory then it might just be a problem with wrong kind of exposure to certain functions.
I have been feeling really down in the dumps lately. Work has been lame, life has been lame, I think I just need something to happen. I hate not having anything to do. I want to laugh with friends, love with a lover, and just enjoy life. Thinking about that makes me think that maybe I have just been around the wrong people all my life and if I had some more interquadra interactions that I would be in much higher spirits.
I hoped to lay out a little of my thought process that I have been going through lately; figured I would try a different approach to a type me thread instead of rambling off the obvious crap that means mostly nothing. Anyways whatever, here it is.
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Originally Posted by Gilly
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