I am not one of those types, but I think one thing Duals have in common is having very little need to set boundaries... you just don't hit on each other's sensitive places. When you do need to set boundaries, there is no strife at all over how or when to say it. You just say it, and they respond like you'd want. There are so few boundaries I make for my Dual, so its hard to say any, but I do make them. Okay, like his voice is louder than mine, and I ask him to talk (and pray!
) more quietly.
I'll just say, "I'm not hard of hearing", or "Not so loud, please". Also he has a habit of repeating a thing, like 3 times in a row when answering one of my questions. Often I am asking him to explain a thing I don't get, and he pretty much always has a very good, useful answer.. but then he goes on immediately, with usually two more SLIGHTLY different ways of saying the SAME thing. And so I anticipate when he is going into the 2nd time, and I jump in "
I got it. Its __" [whatever he just said]. I believe these are just bad conversation habits from not living with a wife for
so long, I think, and working in the same family business for years before that.
Anyway, you see how mild these boundaries have to be for us. They are easily made, and neither of us is really disturbed by the other.
I see the SAME ease in the other Delta Duals I know, as well as the Alpha and Beta Duals I know. I don't happen to know any Gamma Duals yet [I hope to! I am praying my husband's SEE daughter marries an ILI!], but I expect them to be no different.
Your need to make boundaries does not sound like the mild Dual scenarios I know.. Did you ever consider one of you might have your type wrong, throwing the two of you into different Quadra's, even also making you into Conflictors? Its not unusual to mistake your Conflictor for a Dual when you know Socionics (and the idea that the person is a Dual when you know about Duality can make you jump in too fast). We are attracted to our Conflictors, and conflict doesn't start til well into the relationship, and then only slowly - but it
never gets better; it gets
worse. And they need boundaries, bad! Yes, I am seeing a possible Conflictor relationship to you in what you wrote - it sounds like the relating of Conflictor couples that I know
well.
ESTjs I know are not habitual liars at all. They might lie for convenience in a small matter to get on with some other point, but normally they shoot straight, in my experience.
You also wrote: I cannot imagine ESTjs fussing over how you worded a post on a relationship issue. I think they woudl be hands-off on that.
And you wrote:
The ESTj's I know don't get silly unless its all in good mutual fun, and they don't exert mental control over others. They are way too busy and involved in the realities of life to be trying to control anyone's mind.
Example from 16types.info is ESTj @
Director Abbie. I do not see her here correcting anyone on how they word their relationship issue questions. She might just jump in and make a correction on the mis-use of of an apostrophe, though.
I never see bull from her; she is appreciated here for her plain straight talk, and never has there been an attempt to control anyone's mind. She accepts peoples minds for what they are.
Maybe look at both your Model A descriptions and see if either of you has a harder fit than the other to it.... At any rate, you want to be sure you are not Conflictors - that is one tough road to hoe. I know some that are doing it, raising their families, but its been very very hard.
Maybe read ISFp for you, too... because INFjs usually don't have trouble making boundaries they want to make. When they want to make them, they just make them, and they are quite clear on it! My ISFp friend (now
very happily,
long-married to her ENTp Dual) once told me about a guy she dated seriously in college, that quickly became controlling and frankly scary. I found her break-up technique interesting, and not at all what I would have done. I'd have had a talk, as many talks as necessary to make sure we understood each other and he knew why I was leaving. Not her. Knowing how to make a boundary, even nicely, was not in her repertoire. She just started "being unavailable", too busy to get together, and when she could not graciously get out of being with him, she acted very, very
boring with him. Finally he broke up with her. She met her husband in the same band they were all in, and former boyfriend told new boyfriend to "look out for her."... He did.
P.S.If you get to considering other types for either of you, it would be interesting to see how those types' prescribed
romance styles match up to your experience.
Setting boundaries between duals
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- 
(as per tcaudilllg)
Originally Posted by Suz
...You're just not boring enough.
