How to part with a dual?

[Zero]

Yes I know socionics is partly about how to not part with a dual but there can be circumstances in one's life when dual relations can be very time consuming and in need of a lot of mental energy and attention, specially when you are an LIE in your "cave" updating yourself to represent a new version of you later and don't want someone fixing things for you or subtly pushing you in directions they think is for the greater good. What if a dual betrays you?

When you want to part with them when you are close, they close the distance, call you talk to you for a long time, if you avoid answering they ask about you, avoid conflict to an extent of not wanting to deeper analyze what went wrong, distract you from the issue, offer you something new to research about, and just don't want to see you upset or lose you. Distancing from such a person can be as difficult as peeling your skin, but what if one has to do it? How do you deal with it afterwards? Is there a better strategy to temporarily push your dual out of your life, alongside everyone, without hurting them and yourself?

This is I think the downside of duality, one becomes dependent to a point of not being able to push the other away even if it is better that way!

[Hot Scalding Gayser]

well for me, I might try to have other things going in my life than the guy. Like say i move to a city and see this really hot guy I like and get a crush on him- it would be unhealthy to just dream about him all day in my apartment and not live my life and totally IEI/enneagram 4 out with it or something you know? It would be then better to just live fully and not self destruct. If we do connect, it would still be important to know when to let go and hang out with other ppl and do other stuff and to trust very slowly. Even though like that song goes 'nothing compares 2 u' , I just can't unheathily get lost in the vacuum of another person codependently.

Pain's more trouble than love is worth. Love doesn't hold it's own value. What does love got to do with it? etc etc. Even though they make my iei soul and heart so happy i still need to just get a job and be unemotional and manly.

If you have a really deep and soulful connection with somebody this can seem hard to do cuz those seem so 'real' and intense and emotional. But nobody is that good to suffer over, it's so dumb and stupid. Yes quite logically and pragmatically, no matter how fond you are of somebody- they can always fuck you over as love makes you weak and you must always remember that and love yourself most of all.

You need to have reasons to reconnect again as well rather than just trying to rekindle the flame. Like the best relationships there are other things going on externally besides just the mental connections. Also other ppl need to listen to what their friends say about a guy they are into as well - it's so dumb to make choices based only on your heart cuz the heart decieveth.

[Adam Strange]

Yes I know socionics is partly about how to not part with a dual but there can be circumstances in one's life when dual relations can be very time consuming and in need of a lot of mental energy and attention, specially when you are an LIE in your "cave" updating yourself to represent a new version of you later and don't want someone fixing things for you or subtly pushing you in directions they think is for the greater good. What if a dual betrays you?

When you want to part with them when you are close, they close the distance, call you talk to you for a long time, if you avoid answering they ask about you, avoid conflict to an extent of not wanting to deeper analyze what went wrong, distract you from the issue, offer you something new to research about, and just don't want to see you upset or lose you. Distancing from such a person can be as difficult as peeling your skin, but what if one has to do it? How do you deal with it afterwards? Is there a better strategy to temporarily push your dual out of your life, alongside everyone, without hurting them and yourself?

This is I think the downside of duality, one becomes dependent to a point of not being able to push the other away even if it is better that way!

I have actually seen this myself. I think the problems you describe are one reason LIE's are slow to commit to someone they like. We have to be really, really sure, because once we commit, we commit.

I know how to get a dual out of your life forever. Just cheat on them. But you are asking how you can step back to neutral or just friends in the relationship, not how to make an enemy for life.

I don't have an answer for you right now that isn't glib. I need to think about this some more.

[Adam Strange]

I talked with an LIE last week whom I work with. He showed me a picture of his wife, and I said she looks like an ESI.

He and his wife are just out of school, and he told me of a couple whom they knew in school, where the woman supported the guy throughout medical school, and just as soon as he got his degree, he dumped her and got another GF. The LIE said to me that his wife told him if he had done that to her, she would have literally killed him.

I said, "Sounds like you married an ESI."

The basis of the LIE-ESI duality is loyalty. Break that, and you break the union.

[Chae]

Do what you'd do in all other instances. Some suggestions that might help - but keep in mind that I always recommend the hardliner approach that could not be suited for everybody.

Yes I know socionics is partly about how to not part with a dual but there can be circumstances in one's life when dual relations can be very time consuming and in need of a lot of mental energy and attention, specially when you are an LIE in your "cave" updating yourself to represent a new version of you later and don't want someone fixing things for you or subtly pushing you in directions they think is for the greater good. What if a dual betrays you?

When a relationship is time-consuming, your priorities are elsewhere. Cut ties saying exactly that, there will be fewer resentment than when you give some other reason.

Betrayal is crossing a boundary. That's the last thing you want in a relation. Abandon them in cases where the damage is irreversible.

When you want to part with them when you are close, they close the distance, call you talk to you for a long time, if you avoid answering they ask about you, avoid conflict to an extent of not wanting to deeper analyze what went wrong, distract you from the issue, offer you something new to research about, and just don't want to see you upset or lose you. Distancing from such a person can be as difficult as peeling your skin, but what if one has to do it? How do you deal with it afterwards? Is there a better strategy to temporarily push your dual out of your life, alongside everyone, without hurting them and yourself?

Sadly, clingy people only let you go when you disappoint them. Distance only makes them work harder as you already say. Clinginess is anxiety. To handle that without hurting them is intensely difficult. The solution would be to be upfront yourself, say they need to understand you without thinking only about themselves (that's what clingy people do deep down), before your own retreat makes them even more anxious. Dealing with it afterwards - try not to stay in contact otherwise their mechanism kicks in once again further hurting both of you.

This is I think the downside of duality, one becomes dependent to a point of not being able to push the other away even if it is better that way!

It's not your responsibility to teach them independence, but to free yourself from ties that made the thing go downhill in the first place. Refer to paragraph 1 here, direct your priorities.

[Zero]

I have actually seen this myself. I think the problems you describe are one reason LIE's are slow to commit to someone they like. We have to be really, really sure, because once we commit, we commit.

I know how to get a dual out of your life forever. Just cheat on them. But you are asking how you can step back to neutral or just friends in the relationship, not how to make an enemy for life.

I don't have an answer for you right now that isn't glib. I need to think about this some more.

And from the outside it might seem that we have committed since when we get relatively close to someone or are working with them we usually try to be friendly and pay attention to ethics of relations while deep down we are still suspicious if this person is worth our time!
Yes I don't mean throwing a dual away, I mean temporarily take distance (similar to the way ESIs do sometimes) without being hurt or hurting them

[ashlesha]

If it's just temporary, personally an estimated time-frame would make allllll the difference to me. An unknown period of time would feel like it might as well be forever, rational or not.

[Zero]

Do what you'd do in all other instances. Some suggestions that might help - but keep in mind that I always recommend the hardliner approach that could not be suited for everybody.



When a relationship is time-consuming, your priorities are elsewhere. Cut ties saying exactly that, there will be fewer resentment than when you give some other reason.

Betrayal is crossing a boundary. That's the last thing you want in a relation. Abandon them in cases where the damage is irreversible.



Sadly, clingy people only let you go when you disappoint them. Distance only makes them work harder as you already say. Clinginess is anxiety. To handle that without hurting them is intensely difficult. The solution would be to be upfront yourself, say they need to understand you without thinking only about themselves (that's what clingy people do deep down), before your own retreat makes them even more anxious. Dealing with it afterwards - try not to stay in contact otherwise their mechanism kicks in once again further hurting both of you.



It's not your responsibility to teach them independence, but to free yourself from ties that made the thing go downhill in the first place. Refer to paragraph 1 here, direct your priorities.

I think talking directly like that about your priorities and ESI not being one of them while they know the depth of the friendship and understand it much better than I do, the ESI takes as an insult and gets very offended. "one week ago you were admiring my abilities now you aren't even answering my calls" I think it also has to do with LIE being impatient, when we make a decision we radically act upon it, but some things take time..

[Zero]

If it's just temporary, personally an estimated time-frame would make allllll the difference to me. An unknown period of time would feel like it might as well be forever, rational or not.

yes it would be much better that way, in general but for me now it is not clear, it was a good point.

[GuavaDrunk]

yes it would be much better that way, in general but for me now it is not clear, it was a good point.

You can just do it the hyper-planned way: give a date by which you will update them on how things are with you, maybe set up a regular texting/meme/postcard delivery system (once a day?) to let them symbolically preserve some familiarity with you during the Time Of Withdrawal, and then bugger off to your heart's content within those guidelines. You get your time, they get a sense of not-chaos and of still being important to you: win-win.

ETA: I saw your other thread about your current life situation, wanted to add a couple of things.

Firstly, if the ESI is a guy and you are a girl, there exists the probability that they have a higher dose of entitlement to your time and energy than you'd wish. If that is the case, the above hyper-planned way is more of a way to gently get them off your back. If that much emotional management feels like an energy drain then I'd stick to giving them a date, sticking to the date, and otherwise not actually responding to them without added guilt. This still makes things predictable for them, and at the same time more manageable for you.

Secondly, yeah, I can see how you'd be busy as fuck. For what it's worth, it may be that sharing stress and troubles helps more than fermenting everything inside. Cliche but often true: other people help, with the caveat that just repeating woes to each other in a closed system is not helpful in the long run, but taking turns encouraging each other is.