Originally Posted by
From 11/16/2006
I had a frustrating weekend last weekend.
And I really do try not to be pessimistic about certain things, but it just felt like everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
I'm not really in the mood to explain all of the things that frustrated me... but suffice it to say that there were a lot of things.
But what was really on my mind right now was how I've been feeling socially as of late. It just feels like to me that the more people that I meet, the less they want to actually get me or understand me. It's just frustrating. I sense it at times when people I know just use "That's just Josh being Josh" line as a convenient way to explain my peculiarities instead of exploring them (and maybe having a laugh along the way). I get frustrated with people. And we all know what happens when I get frustrated with people... I distance myself from them.
And I don't think it's difficult for me to trust people in the conventional sense of the term. But in reality, I think that while I definitely feel like I can easily trust people, it's possible that I don't really trust people and people's judgments. What's kinda scary for me is the feeling that this isn't new... I can think of specific situations in which I instinctively did not trust someone in critical situations in which I was given instructions to do something, but I had to see what they were seeing first before I did it. So, I'm left with the hard truth that I've been shrouding myself in this blanket of "I can trust people easily" because I can trust people with very personal information of mine. But when it comes to another person's judgment of my direction, I have to see it for myself.
So, I can trust people with things I'm in control of, but I can't trust people in things that I don't have control of. And that, my friends, is not cool and not fair to you.
I have a core group of people that I know that I consider to be my closest friends. Most of them I have known for many years. Most of them are on my friends list on Myspace. Most of them I met online.
I've had the privilege of watching these friends essentially grow up and start new lives and have their own lives. Understandably, with that comes a loss of contact in some cases. While I still have conversations with these people, it's clear that I cannot have the same depth that I once had. And again, it's understandable why that is. As the core drifts farther away into their own lives, I still search for people I can have depth with.
But it feels like... forgive me if this sounds hyperbolic... but it feels like I'm stuck in place smiling and waving at my friends, wishing them luck, as they go out farther and farther away from me, and I'm just stuck in place.
Sure, I can still see some of them. But it just feels a little more lonely around here.
Maybe I shouldn't be so selfish and self-centered, and maybe I shouldn't be so pessimistic and take for granted what and who I have.
But people are moving on without me. There is no disputing that. I'm trying to move forward... but it has not happened. I'm stuck.
And here we are in November, the end of another year just around the corner. As is customary this time of year, I look back on the year that was and evaluate it. And I have to say that I have been rather frustrated this year up to this point. It just doesn't feel like I've made any progress this year. This time last year I was feeling quite similarly to how I am now. Very disappointed and frustrated in the body of work.
I have to shoulder the bulk of the blame. The inability to drive and make things happen continues to be my chorus.
If I can't drive to change things, then how am I to expect things to be any different next year? If things follow a predictable pattern, why am I to believe that the pattern will not continue?
Maybe I should look at sports for analogies. The most obvious one being "That's why they play the game" If sports were played in newspapers, underdogs would always lose. But they aren't. The favorite to win a game doesn't win it all the time. So while there's always hope things will be different... it just doesn't feel like it to me.
I keep pictures and letters that I've gotten over the years... mementos, things like that. And I can't help but feel mad sometimes at some of my memories. I'm not going to elaborate now... and I'm not erasing what I just said (even though I just considered erasing it)... I think that is for another time.
How does that quote go... "The more things stay the same, the more they change"
No.
I just looked it up:
La plus ça change, la plus c'est la meme choses.
(The more things change, the more things stay the same)