a weird question
ok, so basically I'd like to ask something weird
If I think back to my childhood (I have very good autobiographical memory), I just can't see as much Ne as Se. I was an uncontrollable child, if I wanted something, I would get it, and I was pretty material; though at the same time somehow the world didn't totally make sense (that may have been Ti wondering though). Anyway, I wasn't looking at implicit possibilities like I do now. I just took things for granted and again, if I wanted something from someone I kept asking, and asking until they managed to stop me, and didn't get very upset about refusal either. Actually my mother could never stop me, she just resigned to doing everything I asked her to do. In games all I would think of was winning, just because, no reason beyond that. I was best in school too... I was very motivated to be best in everything.I even asked myself why it matters so much and I didn't know the answer beyond "because" and no, it wasn't my parents telling me to be good at school, because nobody could tell me anyway what to do. All in all, the first thing people would tell me about how I was: "forceful". (second trait they'd list was "helpful")
Now, I was like this until age 13. Then I somehow started to realize that maybe I needed to uh, in socionics terms, develop some Fe/Fi and pay more attention to people. I wasn't very successful at that, so I just forced myself to be inactive. Well sometimes I would still create conflicts, but tried hard not to.A few years later I read some really interesting book (from the socionics viewpoint this book was something like Ni), and from then on the next couple of years I started to become very abstracted, theorizing about the world, intangible stuff, and eventually became disconnected from the tangible world. I remember myself being upset about how I could somehow not "access" or handle tangible things anymore. No I wasn't going mad.
I guess over a couple more years I got some of that ability back but I just could never be like I used to be anymore. I also noticed that I could not focus on winning stuff as much anymore, I would just get stressed instead, thinking various ways I could fail and that would make me somewhat disinterested, though I still have quite some of this desire to win in things against people...just less confident than I used to be. But overall I'm still very confident in myself.
So, when I started playing with theories after that book stuff, at the same time I got used to seeing things beyond the surface where I always wanted to look anyway. No longer "as is". I guess I can still do the "as is" stuff in a few areas in life, but most often I'm just very abstract and generalized and I enjoy this. I also got more accepting of how people are or how they could be, not categorizing/looking down on some of them (ok, maybe I sometimes still do but I then try to forget about it...I like the idea of being equal). What I don't enjoy is that I definitely got clumsier and pretty insecure about how to handle physical objects/tasks etc. etc. I actually need external help in these things now. But eh, I can live with that. Oh and another thing I don't enjoy... I still naturally ask people to do this or that, but if I see from their reaction that they didn't like this, I'll get unsure about if I really want it still, then I get uncomfortable and forget about it - could be also better Fe/Fi, maybe.
Then there is the relationships theory in socionics, I should be "infantile", but I'm not. A lot of the things from "aggressor" and "victim" fit instead. I'm undecided which one is closer to me but probably aggressor because I require devotion and hate it if I don't get it. Yet I can get unsure like victim.
Eh, so I'm pretty sure I'm ILE, but I just don't see myself as a typical ILE when I was younger. Maybe I'm wrong and ILE's all start out this way? But this almost sounds like to me that my leading and role functions switched over slowly. If I go by the socionics definition of Se, which should be role function for me, it definitely got weaker as I got older... shouldn't the role function go the opposite direction instead, that is, get somewhat stronger, more consistent? What's your opinion about that possibility in terms of the current socionics theory? Actually, maybe it's not the Ne stuff, but Ni suggestive? The theory says, suggestive can't be supplied to yourself on your own, though.
ps: The only thing for sure is I was always a Ti/Fe valuer, as a child too.
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Originally Posted by lungs
I'm female.
