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Thread: A few questions about INTj relationships

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    Default A few questions about INTj relationships

    I recently discovered the joys of personality types(I'm INTJ), and have since been pursuing the subject fairly voraciously via google. My boyfriend (Definately INFJ) often complains that I am not expressive and seem uninterested in him, which I think is a very common problem that INTJs have. He also says I'm holding part of myself back, but I'm absolutely perplexed, as I cannot think of anything I havn't told him. He's exeptionally perceptive and part of me thinks he might be right. However, I've read that INTJs have a habit of 'fencing off' a certain area of thought that they absolutely do not wish to venture into.
    So, more to the point, I'm wondering if any other INTJs or people who know them have similar issues with not expressing/acknowledging part of themselves. I feel like lately I've really lost touch with myself, but is it something that gets better as we mature? Or is it something entirely unrelated to personality type? Somebody once mentioned a sort of 'stagnation' or boredom specific to INTJs.
    Also, how do other INTJs express themselves to significant others? I'm often surprised to realize that people don't know how I feel, because I tend to think I'm being very straightforward and direct.

    Having to interact with others is such an inconvenience sometimes.

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    Your journey has only just begun it seems.


    Yes, to your post.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    zzzzzz @ the pop culture of MBTI in the english-speaking world.

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    High school relationships were always such a hassle for me because I was never giddy and obvious with my affections like other teenage girls and that seemed to be a problem with some people I dated. Daniel didn't care at the time how I expressed my self, he was pretty blunt in telling me that we were going to date regardless so at first that wasn't an issue. He soon found out that me keeping everything to myself was a problem for him too, so for the last ten years on a steady basis he has helped to draw these things out of myself. He has enough confidence in our relationship that he doesn't need me fawing all over him, but if he does need an emotional burst, he lets me know and I do my best to provide and vice versa, since over sentimenatlity isn't his strong point either.

    Not sure if that helped any...
    All Hail The Flying Spaghetti Monster

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    Don't forget the the thehotelambush's Avatar
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    Read:

    http://socionics.us

    and don't come back until you're finished.

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    Default Re: intj relationships...a few questions

    Quote Originally Posted by Carla

    (I guess the emphasis is on DO to provoke emotions in each other, rather than talking or trying to express feelings.)
    That makes a lot of sense to me, personally. Good to hear that you can make a relationship between to INTJs work for you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by thehotelambush
    Read:

    http://socionics.us

    and don't come back until you're finished.
    I couldn't have said it better.

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    How do you know if an INTJ male is interested in you? I am dating one, but I can't tell if he is actually interested in a relationship with me or just something quick and casual. We see each other once per week. He doesn't call. He sends me a couple of short emails a week but that is all. Normally (ie. other men) I would accept this behavior as demonstration that he has no interest, and move on, but I really can't read him. Any insights?

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    Usually INTjs aren't into "quick and casual".
    All Hail The Flying Spaghetti Monster

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    Quote Originally Posted by oyburger
    Usually INTjs aren't into "quick and casual".
    I certainly am not.

    INTj
    ANALYST - logico- intuitive introvert
    Logical subtype: neuverenno itself feels in the sphere of emotions, it is reserved and distrustful, it desires constant stable relations. With difficulty it displays initiative in the contacts, moreover only when it is confident in feelings. It is usually restrained in the manifestation of emotions, he is loyal partner. It is necessary to reach to it pleasant by food, by comfort, by sexual initiative, by the concern about the health, by fulfilling its requirements. It is unpretentious in private life, but it does not love, when they disrupt its rules and installations.

    Intuitive subtype: attentive and internally emotional partner, easily otklikayetsya to the sexual initiative, itself it manifests more rarely. It is careful and farsighted. It is inclined to the sharp fluctuations of mood, it can be inconsistent in its feelings. In the erotic it is affectionate and tender, the aim is new impressions. In the intimate relations with it it is necessary to manifest more than heat, trust, sincere concern, to introduce more than variety into the sex, to raise mood. However, is not recommended manifesting obtrusiveness and the limiting of its freedom.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by wolf
    How do you know if an INTJ male is interested in you? I am dating one, but I can't tell if he is actually interested in a relationship with me or just something quick and casual. We see each other once per week. He doesn't call. He sends me a couple of short emails a week but that is all. Normally (ie. other men) I would accept this behavior as demonstration that he has no interest, and move on, but I really can't read him. Any insights?

    Wait a second ---- what does "dating one" mean?

    And how do you know he is INTJ?
    Are you using MBTI typing?
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    The surest thing to do with an LII, and probably most people, but especially an LII, would be to ask him if he's interested in you or not. I personally don't get why more people don't do this in general.

    If he's an INTJ or an INTj, he probably won't spend time with you if he doesn't like you... they're fairly straight foward in terms of how they use proximity - but most people seem to be unaware of this.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    "I am dating one" means that I am dating an INTJ guy. I am INTJ as well, but I don't know any other INTJs and this is the first time I dated one, and he is completely different from anyone I have ever dated.

    How do I know he is INTJ? He told me. Plus he clearly exhibits some of the typical personality traits - wickedly intelligent, limited social time, needs space to recharge, hard to read, etc. It is frustrating that we have some of the same bad habits.

    I have asked him via email is he interested? did he care about me? did he feel a connection? He responded saying that he is interested but that our current boundaries (nothing below the belt) prevent him from feeling connected. I can't tell if this is meaningful or just typical guy crap to get me into bed. He is also dating other people which as an INTJ I just can not comprehend as the idea is abhorrent to me.

    I would normally turf a guy who acts like this with me, but I am sufficiently different from other women in my own romantic behavior that I am hesitating. I do feel like there is some amazing potential with him.

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    Sounds cliché but if you think your motivations to change a part of yourself are worth the effort of actually doing it, then go ahead but if not, don't. The boredom you're talking about might be an important part or consequence of how you view and perceive life. If it's the case, it might be a good idea to ensure that you are ready for the sacrifices it would imply to change it. Just ask yourself how it would be possible, concretely, for you to not have this personnality trait (Not being completely in touch with yourself, boredom).

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    To Wolf: Your guy is full of it. I don't care how smart he is, what his personality type is. That is a line if there ever was one, and the fact that he's only giving you little crumbs (very limited time, not calling etc..) makes me think this guy will hurt you. I know that I am all fire and tenderness underneath. If you are anything like me, you truly cannot afford to be careless with your heart. Don't let this guy game you.
    Female INTJ

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    If he is INTj, he sounds like an unhealthy one.

    As a woman to woman (no personality typing involved) drop him, he seems like an ass.
    All Hail The Flying Spaghetti Monster

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    Quote Originally Posted by wolf
    I would normally turf a guy who acts like this with me, but I am sufficiently different from other women in my own romantic behavior that I am hesitating. I do feel like there is some amazing potential with him.
    It sounds like you are an "INTJ" who has almost zero people experience, yet thinks because you sense an "amazing potential" that there might be something great here.

    I forsee this as a learning experience for you. Hopefully the outcome will be a humbling experience of understanding how "unintelligent" both of you are acting about this - despite your apparent reverence for both his intelligence and your own.


    Are you two in high school?
    I have asked him via email is he interested? did he care about me? did he feel a connection? He responded saying that he is interested but that our current boundaries (nothing below the belt) prevent him from feeling connected. I can't tell if this is meaningful or just typical guy crap to get me into bed. He is also dating other people which as an INTJ I just can not comprehend as the idea is abhorrent to me.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    UDP, she is already in an emotionally unstable condition, and the treatment you reserve her is one of harshness? Please think about the emotional impact of your post in this case.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    If she really is an INTJ, it's better she learn how to deal with emotions sooner than later.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    UDP, she is already in an emotionally unstable condition, and the treatment you reserve her is one of harshness? Please think about the emotional impact of your post in this case.
    you sound like an ESI.

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    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    UDP, she is already in an emotionally unstable condition, and the treatment you reserve her is one of harshness? Please think about the emotional impact of your post in this case.
    you sound like an ESI.
    No, he is just a nice guy who has met a few real life people here and there.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    Quote Originally Posted by wolf
    "I am dating one" means that I am dating an INTJ guy. I am INTJ as well, but I don't know any other INTJs and this is the first time I dated one, and he is completely different from anyone I have ever dated.

    How do I know he is INTJ? He told me. Plus he clearly exhibits some of the typical personality traits - wickedly intelligent, limited social time, needs space to recharge, hard to read, etc. It is frustrating that we have some of the same bad habits.

    I have asked him via email is he interested? did he care about me? did he feel a connection? He responded saying that he is interested but that our current boundaries (nothing below the belt) prevent him from feeling connected. I can't tell if this is meaningful or just typical guy crap to get me into bed. He is also dating other people which as an INTJ I just can not comprehend as the idea is abhorrent to me.

    I would normally turf a guy who acts like this with me, but I am sufficiently different from other women in my own romantic behavior that I am hesitating. I do feel like there is some amazing potential with him.
    I have been there and done that and I have seen others there and doing that and it never never never works out. I really hate to say it, but the part marked red is HUGE red flag. Don't waste your energy, especially not on someone who is not interested enough in you to not date (and possibly f*ck) others. Really, the connection thing is BS.

    Sorry to say it like this, but you really should not waste your time and emotions on someone who wants everything on his terms. That won't change, even if you get together.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    I stand by everything I said. I said "unintelligent" because I could not think of a better word. Ignorant perhaps --- naivete probably would be even better --- but INTJs of all people ought to know what they don't know. And when they encounter things they don't know, yet think they do, this is the best way for them to learn that they are wrong, IME.

    I am anxious to see how old wolf is, and her real situation.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    I second FDG and Kim.

    Unless maybe one needs to actually experience this situation to really understand the stakes. Otherwise, well, amazing potential is rare but will happen to you probably more than a dozen times in your life. I guess you should ask yourself: "Can i endure his terms for my whole life?".

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    Quote Originally Posted by niffweed17
    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    UDP, she is already in an emotionally unstable condition, and the treatment you reserve her is one of harshness? Please think about the emotional impact of your post in this case.
    you sound like an ESI.
    Maybe I just learnt how to treat people decently?

    I second Kim anyway.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    UDP, she is already in an emotionally unstable condition, and the treatment you reserve her is one of harshness? Please think about the emotional impact of your post in this case.
    <3 lol

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    I want to thank everyone for responding to my post. I feel a little defensive after reading some of the posts, but that is okay. UDP, we are not in high school

    It appears that many who responded have strong feelings around the implication that he is pressuring me to have sex while dating other people. He is not. He has honored the boundaries of the relationship, and will continue too (if the relationship continues). I am old enough to know what I want and what is good (and bad) for me. While he is dating other people, the boundaries stand. That said, if I ask a question, I want an honest answer even if it is not what I want to hear and he gave me one.

    Likewise the "amazing potential" is based on many qualities (intelligence being high but not top of the list) but I don't think the details would be interesting to you.

    I posted on this site because I really didn't think INTJs would date multiple people. We wouldn't risk getting emotionally involved with more than one person because of the chaos it would create for us, but maybe I am just projecting my own fears. What is your opinion on this? Have you dated multiple people at the same time before? What was that experience like for you?

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    This thread seems unusual. Are you being indirect about your real question or something?

    Do you really question if he is INTJ - just because he told you so?


    I posted on this site because I really didn't think INTJs would date multiple people. We wouldn't risk getting emotionally involved with more than one person because of the chaos it would create for us, but maybe I am just projecting my own fears. What is your opinion on this? Have you dated multiple people at the same time before? What was that experience like for you?
    No, I do not date multiple people.

    It sounds like you are trying to verify something other than what you are stating, however.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Damn, I've done what Wolf is doing. Maybe some of us have to learn this the hard way. I think I have it down a lot better now, but often I am very good at learning from others' mistakes in many areas - not so this one. Thankfully, I did have one wonderful relationship which gives me a template of how things should basically look. It ended only because of a traumatic event in my life which I could not handle, and my love for him died (he still loves me and I still wish I loved him) - yes, yes, it's quite the tragedy. Anyway, you should feel safe, adored, not constantly be wondering what he thinks and feels.
    Female INTJ

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    I've never dated more than person at a time, even when I wasn't married, the thought of doing that never crossed my mind.
    All Hail The Flying Spaghetti Monster

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    Quote Originally Posted by oyburger
    I've never dated more than person at a time, even when I wasn't married, the thought of doing that never crossed my mind.
    I am not INTj, but I want to add that I never knew of the concept until I moved to the US. It is still entirely incomprehensible to me. You Americans... :wink:
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
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