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Thread: help! i'm an ENTp in love with an ISTp

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    Default help! i'm an ENTp in love with an ISTp

    i started getting back into type recently both to help a fellow entp friend understand himself and others better, as well as to improve my current romantic relationship with an istp.

    so i'm a female entp, and he's a male istp. my e is very weak, and i have even tested as an i in the past, though i am now confident that i am simply a weak e. he's not terrible strong on any part of his type, but he's not borderline either. the t is the weakest. i've read up on istp, and now that i understand it better, it's very, very much him.

    so here is what is right with us. we share a similar sense of humor. we like similar music and enjoy going to the same rock shows. we both enjoy baseball. we both like to drink. we are both a little kinky. our physical chemistry is AMAZING. we both like exploring new things and meeting new people and learning and improving and stuff like that.

    now for the challenges. he is so frigging sensitive about EVERYTHING! i had originally guessed that he was an isfp because of his sensitivity, but now i understand that istp has a rich inner emotional life, which he definitely does. he loves to tease people to the point of it being really mean, but no one minds because he's so cute and funny about it. but if i tease him even a little, he gets all bent out of shape. having a teasing, playful relationship is important to me, and i have told him this, but it's still a challenge at times. he has called me a jerk, a hussy, an asshole, a square, and all kinds of other things jokingly, and i guess entps just don't take things personally as much. long story short: he can dish it out AND he CAN take it, just not from me, his significant other.

    the other thing is that sometimes he gets upset over stupid things and then literally pouts. sometimes we get through it easily because i tease him about pouting and refuse to leave him alone until he smiles and gets over it. sometimes, however, when i try to address what is really going on, he gets angry and then becomes defeatist. like sending emails where he argues vehemently that he has done nothing wrong whereas i have, and then by then end he says he doesn't care and why bother. that doesn't make me feel very good because i love him and i do care and i want us to figure out how to get along and not argue so much.

    there was a time he was in a terrible mood from work and inadvertently taking it out on me. i asked if he wanted me to come over and he said he didn't care. then later on in the conversation i said basically, "i'd like to come over if you want me there, but if you don't want me there, i'm just going to stay home tonight." he paused a while and said, "you can come over." like he wouldn't admit that he wanted me to come over, because that would be admitting that he cares? and yet clearly he did care.

    same thing when he's angry. i'll ask him what he's angry about and he will say nothing or something like he's hungry or whatever. then later the same day or the next day it will come out that he was upset about something i did the previous day. if he had just told me, i would have stopped or whatever, but he won't tell me. not to mention that he also gets mad at me when i ask him what he's mad about and i don't believe him when he says it's nothing. argh!

    we have made some progress where i am supposed to tell him when he's being unreasonable by simply saying, "you're doing it again," rather than getting angry back at him. this was his idea, incidentally, and a pretty good one. can't argue with an istp, it seems! i have to just suggest things and let them sink in, and usually he comes around to my way of thinking.

    as an entp, i need compliments and verbal reassurance. i have to ask for these from him, and he has gotten better about providing them from time to time. i also find that getting him tipsy is the best way to find out what he's really thinking and feeling - i just have to be careful not to have too much myself.

    anyhoo, i would love to hear from other entp men and women who have dated/married an istp. (if you're an intp, that would probably work, too.) let me in on your secrets for success - thanks!

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    Actually, it is not just you, it is the whole alpha quandra ...

    ENTps and ESFjs usually show up as just barely extroverts and ISFps and INTjs usually show up as just barely introverts ... it has something to do with the values of the quandra as a whole, so do not doubt that you are ENTp if you test as just barely an extrovert.

    In fact, I will show you my 16PF ...



    You might say "You got a 5 on the extroversion/introversion scale, you are not ENTp ... you must be INTp"

    But since when the heck is an INTp independant, expedient, self-assured, slightly reserved against people, tolerant of disorder, and dominant? Sounds sort of ENTpish ...

    --------------------------

    As for dating an ISTp ... tell me that this has never happened to you and will never happen! I based this whole artical on my a relationship I had with an ISTp ...

    taken from: http://socion.info/semidual.html

    A clear explanation of semi-duality
    By Reuben McNew [ENTp]

    When semi-dual partners first meet each other, there can be an odd magnetic attraction between them; one or both could feel an odd similar or familiar element about the other. Sometimes their minds may even play tricks on each other, causing them to mistakenly think that they have known each other from long ago. As each begin talking with the other, semi-duals usually find many interesting things to speak about or to do together; there may even be odd common manifestations of similar patterns of bahaviour shared among the partners.

    While the semi-dual partners may be at first convinced for a period of time that they can be friends or have a relationship of sorts, things usually take a turn for the worse. Semi-dualism typically manifest itself in a repulsive attraction, one of which draws the partners together to repel them apart. Even though there is a common element between them, there is always something one does to drive the other off. However, the offended partner may often never completely communicate the problems of the matter leaving the other confused; some sort of peace usually developes and the partners remain on good terms for a while, maybe even forgetting past troubles.

    Usually the first manifestation of final repulsion and seperation in a semi-dual relationship occcurs when one of the partners, usually the extrovert, excitedly greets the other after a short time away. However, the resulting lukewarm response could suck the excitement right out of him, leaving sudden awe and dissapontment; perhaps the moment could be compared to the odd deading shock of riding a rollercoaster that stops suddenly in mid-air. Sometimes partners may even go through a slow and sudden period of appearing to 'blow the other off' or ignoring each other. Though partners may continue to make attempts to know the other, each time leads to another stumble. In the end, semi-dual relationships almost always fade away, as each partner comes to the conclusion that there is nothing more to be done and move on with their lives.
    So, if you want my opinion, I think you are investing in the wrong personality type ... Go find a nice ESTp or an ESFj or maybe an ISFp. ISTps and ENTps just develope too many problems in their relationships. I think you would be smart to step out of this one.

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    If you are dating an ISTP and you're ENTP.... Get some life insurance, car insurance, house insurance, healthy insurance...

    Mental insurance???
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    See, even an ISTp will tell you you are in for some trouble ...

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    Definitely...


    We tend to have a set value system...

    Honesty, straight forwardness... No game playing, no bullshitting.


    The open hearted talks I dunno about, I find them hard unless they need to be done to resolve a problem.

    Dont expect them to be touchy feely, dont expect them to act through words.

    Actions speak louder than words, appreciate the little things he or she does for you.

    Keep him on track, make sure he or she has something to do with their lives and they are not just sitting around.

    Make sure you like them for more than just the physical...


    Lastly MAKE SURE you have typed your mate right! Quite a few people think they are going out with someone who is ENTP, ESTP etc etc... they are terrible at VI and or are just plain not good at profiling.

    All these are factors.

    EDIT: Check RMCNEW's site for the ISTP profile, it may help a bit in understanding.
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    I can just see the trouble coming already ... go ahead, date an ISTp. Just remember the warnings you have been given and when events start manifesting themselves, remember what I have said.

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    [p;;;;;;;;;
    6w5 sx
    model Φ: -+0
    sloan - rcuei

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    Implied, I do not think you understand why I said what I did ... it is not a matter of "someone being diffrent," it is just that ISTp and ENTp semi-dualism is not entirely a pleasant thing; having optomism that remotely anything positive romance wise could come out of an ISTp/ENTp union is just totally rediculous. This is not just my opinion, and do not say it is because it is not ... but it just will not work! No exceptions!

    Heck, ENTps and ISTps males have a hard enough time getting along, I can only imagine the hell a male or female ISTp and a male or female ENTp would go through if they had to ever commit to a life-long relationship; it would be torture for them both living in two diffrent value systems that just totally disgust each other ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    i understood you perfectly, rmcnew.

    i think, though, that there is a lot to be said for communication and paying attention to these things. it could tell this person a lot about themselves, a lot about her boyfriend.

    he might be different. (;
    *removes tongue from cheek* (;

    i see what you mean, though. don't think i don't. and it's not "just your opinion." you're right in that she isn't going to be acting naturally if she follows my advice, which will be difficult for her (i find it difficult personally to be anything other than who i am, whatever that may be.) i don't think it's completely impossible, though. maybe she has a decent amount of Fi to pour into this or some +Ne?
    If she had a decent about of , she would not be ENTp ... if I had a decent amount of , I would not be an ENTp ...

    There is no such thing as an ENTp with a decent amount of , if one appears so, then it is usually faked and hidden behind a boatload of ... That in itself would appear fishy and maybe also even dishonest to any ISTp that happens upon an ENTp ...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pedro-the-Lion
    what the hell ever made you think you are an ethical type?
    Wishful thinking because she wants to be ISTps dual ... naturally.

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    holy moly - this has been interesting to read. implied, a lot of what you said makes sense and i have seen it play out in our relationship already. i'll try to write some of what has been working/not working below.

    icepick, you make a good point about being sure on type. i have taken myers-briggs and jungian tests several times and have come out as intp a few times, but usually i come out as entp and it seems right for me. i had my istp take an online jungian test, but he is younger than i and perhaps could fall prey to the problem where you answer how you think you should answer rather than your true preference. he fits some of the estp description as well (he really loves sports and is very funny and the life of any party), but all in all, istp seems to fit him extremely well. we haven't taken the socionics test that is linked by rmcnew. would that make any difference?

    so back to what works. we do have great talks every now and again, sometimes over drinks, sometimes just chatting on the sofa. it usually does come from telling stories about our days or our pasts, and those are some of the times that we seem most connected. i know that he enjoys those talks. some of the "relationship" talks we do briefly and via AIM, and they seem to go more smoothly as long as we are not arguing at the time.

    i've reacted in a lot of different ways to his angry, pouting behavior. the only thing that seems to work is ignoring it or addressing it in a playful manner, both of which i am comfortable with and feel natural with him. i can call him on the fact that he's pouting and snuggle up next to him and just be kind of bratty about the fact that i won't let him pout. i also have to be very willing to apologize, which i would not have done when i was younger and more stubborn, but i have no problem with it now. it's easy to tease him about it and tell him he's being ridiculous and make him laugh about it most of the time. i guess i'll have to stick with that from now on. he'll tell me he hates me, but he does it with enough of a smile that i know he kind of likes me forcing him out of his bad mood.

    i also find that both being p, neither of us wants to make a decision on where to eat! so, i'll just have to live with being the j (which i have to do a lot in my job and with my friends anyway) and accept being the decisionmaker most of the time.

    we had a mini argument about me coming over to his place and needing to do just 30 minutes of work before i could be completely free for our evening together. i asked him if it was okay if i worked and he said it was, but the fact that i started right away (in my mind to get it over with sooner and have the rest of the evening free with him) was offensive to him. over dinner (again, in a playful, pesky manner) we talked about it and he said that it's just rude and anyone who couldn't see that is "retarded." i said that i totally understand that he didn't like it and i won't do it again like that, but that he should also understand that is opinion and not everyone else would mind me doing that (i know most of my friends wouldn't care if i did a little work at their place before going out later.) he said those people are also "retarded." so he stubbornly held on to his opinion as fact (per type), but i think that my point kind of sunk in to some small degree.

    i also find that he gives more compliments while chatting online, and written word is good enough for me. even just the fact that he emails me during the day or holds on to stories to tell me makes me feel connected and important to him, or the fact that he wants me to meet his family or going on a trip. i'm learning to accept the actions as expression of the emotion.

    his body language is usually pretty immediate, so i'll do a better job of drawing the connection right away and addressing what i need to do differently right away (i.e. make a decision where we're eating, stop working, etc.) i don't know if i can pull of pouting, but shaking (literally!) him usually works.

    dating him has made me feel more girly that i have in other relationships, and truth to tell, i love it. he has a rich internal emotional life that he shields only partway. he remarks that he is the man therefore he is charge, and it's cute in the way that he does mean it, but only partly (he's actually quite the feminist in many ways.) but he'll pick me up and carry me sometimes, or tackle me and tickle me, or just generally manhandle me, and it's great. it's definitely not the usual way in my relationship with men (having dated, to my memory: entp, enfp, isfp, intj, and entj at least (all tested). of those, the intj made me feel the most girly). i've learned that his macho talk about punching people in the face is *mostly* just talk and now he can make all sorts of extreme remarks without me worrying (much.)

    lastly, i love the point from icepick about making sure he has something to do. he is trying to get a new job but doesn't seem to be making any progress on his own. i happen to have a lot of expertise in the area. he has been very accepting of my help, but i've been reluctant to push at all because i know that would bother most people. based on that comment and what i've read about istp, it seems like i might be able to drive a little bit more than i have without it bothering him a whit (as long as i'm not forcing or restricting.)

    last but not least, you may find it amusing to learn that he does say i drive him crazy (usually said with a smile), but then he also says that we get along better than any of his previous relationships... so who knows what that means!

  12. #12
    Creepy-an ixtp (probably istp)

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    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    i'm confused as to how this is non-ethical (specifically in a situation where two people obviously care about eachother but are having difficulties communicacting.)
    I thought he's just joking...

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    Actually, you should take the socionics test on my website, it is the only on-line test that actually goes straite down to the functional level.

    The only drawback is that the results are only as accurate as the information it receives from the test-taker, which could mean the test is vulnerable to innacurate perceptional bias.

    Other than that, it is one of the most accurate test around.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    And from the description, the guy definatelly sounds ISTp ...

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    he remarks that he is the man therefore he is charge, and it's cute in the way that he does mean it, but only partly (he's actually quite the feminist in many ways.)
    hmm.. interesting...

    "I'm the man..."

    I always thought that part was the most obvious thing in the relationship...

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    Quote Originally Posted by IcEPiCk
    he remarks that he is the man therefore he is charge, and it's cute in the way that he does mean it, but only partly (he's actually quite the feminist in many ways.)
    hmm.. interesting...

    "I'm the man..."

    I always thought that part was the most obvious thing in the relationship...

    It is, usually when a man has to actually go around emphasizing that, he really is not.

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    he's a highly sarcastic istp, very dark humor, who likes to say all sorts of controversial things for humor and shock value. i find it endearing (now that i've gotten over most of my shock.)

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    The best way to fix any relationship problem is whenever he's in one of his moods, just ask him:

    "Hey, you want to make out?"

    Or even better:

    "Hey, you want to get laid?"

    Works every time.

    Binary or dichotomous systems, although regulated by a principle, are among the most artificial arrangements that have ever been invented. -- William Swainson, A Treatise on the Geography and Classification of Animals (1835)

  18. #18
    Creepy-

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    in our case, it's never a *quick* fix.

    sorry, couldn't resist.

    to get back to type, he doesn't like me to be that direct about it, though i am free to seduce him whenever i like. i think he prefers me to be indirect / non-aggressive about it.

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    he's a highly sarcastic istp, very dark humor, who likes to say all sorts of controversial things for humor and shock value. i find it endearing (now that i've gotten over most of my shock.)
    I can relate to that


    We seem to be witty, and very sarcastic.

    I have a dark sense of humour which I had to learn to tone down earlier in my teens... "Shouldve been wearing a seatbelt..."

    etc

    I think a lot of it is for SHOCK value. Because we dont like to be predictable...
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