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Thread: How to tell if an ESFj is interested in you?

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    Default How to tell if an ESFj is interested in you?

    Hi does anyone know how to tell if an ESFJ is interested in you romantically? I'm an ISTJ so i'm not particularly intuitive.

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    ESFj females tend to not be very shy ... even exceptionally beautiful ones have been known to take the incentive and approach guys they are interested in. But, an ESFjs female may not display immediate interest in a guy unless she is sure that he likes her. So, if an ESFj girl likes you, sometimes all you need to do is throw a few obvious hints and she will start to find reasons to be around you more.

    ESFj females also have a tendency to be very very pushy with relationships ... especially if they know they have a guy wrapped around their fingers. Just a little warning, they have been known to chase people away with their constant insistence and pushing for a deeper relationship. If you do not know how to deal with that, I would not necessarily go for an ESFj.

    I am speaking from personal experience ... the ESFjs females I have known were very beautiful, and they all acted this way towards me and anyone else they were interested in ...

    But then again, I am their activity partner as an ENTp; that is probably why ESFjs have had a tendency to become attracted to me in the past. I do not know how it is with ISTjs ...

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    I had an ESFJ girlfriend for two years and I think rmcnew's remarks are spot on.

    But do remember this:

    Quote Originally Posted by rmcnew
    But, an ESFjs female may not display immediate interest in a guy unless she is sure that he likes her.
    Also, they really need to feel that they are needed by those they like, otherwise they get very unhappy.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    I know a female ESFJ. She's an interesting one when it comes to romantic relationships. She acts all buddy-buddy with guys. So I'm willing to be it's confusing for the guys she's around. I think it's really difficult for them to tell whether or not she's interested in them because there are several guys she's close to.

    For a while she had 3 guys she was always hanging out with and calling. I know for a fact that 2 of these guys liked her, the other I'm pretty sure liked her, but never openly confessed. For the sake of clarity on the three guys, I'll give them names and put what I think to be their types next to them. Caleb (ISFP), Matt (ENFJ), and Nick(ENTP). Caleb and Matt are the ones I was sure liked her, though Nick probably did as well, just never fessed up.

    As for the ESFJ female, she liked Caleb and Nick, but not at the same time. First it was Nick...then it was Caleb. Though she did hang out with all three of these guys during the same time period and all of these guys know each other. I think she kept Matt around because he was the most persistent of the three, and she seemed to like the attention. I think she was waiting around for Nick to make a move, but he never did (Nick is somewhat of a player) and so she eventually gave up and moved on to Caleb.

    Somewhere along the line Caleb confessed that he liked her, she confessed she liked him back, now they're dating.

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    Can somebody tell me about ESFj men? :wink:
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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    As for women, what about when they take an active interest in helping you in certain areas? In extreme cases: nagging. Would an ESFJ offer such advice to someone she did not like?

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    Quote Originally Posted by XcaliburGirl
    Can somebody tell me about ESFj men? :wink:
    Yes, they are pushy and the whine about having things in a certain order; they like to call people idiots who do not abide by their irrational logic. They can be either be really lazy or insanely active. I knew one ESFj guy who bycicled all the way from Phoenix, Arizona to Riverside, California in two days. Every now again he will just get on his bycicle and start riding 100s of miles for no real reason. Sort of odd.

    But if you took out the emotional aspect, the typically behave the same way as ESTjs and have close to the same motives.

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    Hmm... you'd think that as their activity partner you'd find some more positive things to say.

    I think I know one. But I'm not sure. I often confuse Extraversion for Feeling.
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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    Quote Originally Posted by XcaliburGirl
    Hmm... you'd think that as their activity partner you'd find some more positive things to say.

    I think I know one. But I'm not sure. I often confuse Extraversion for Feeling.
    I was contrasting two entirely diffrent ESFj men I knew, one of them is in fact lazy and one of them is in fact very active ...

    If you are wondering why I do not have much else to say about them, it is because all of the male ESFjs I have known I never really got to know very well. It seemed like all we ever did was do things together, and it was usually just one specific thing.

    For example, one ESFj guy I knew in college was heavily into board games, everything I did with him involved playing board games, I have absolutly no idea what he does besides board games.

    My INTj roommate on the otherhand knew him very well and they were best friends infact. He knew things about him that I did not, which seems really weird; but, I guess that is how two activity partners of the same sex form relationships with one another.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rmcnew
    If you are wondering why I do not have much else to say about them, it is because all of the male ESFjs I have known I never really got to know very well. It seemed like all we ever did was do things together, and it was usually just one specific thing.

    For example, one ESFj guy I knew in college was heavily into board games, everything I did with him involved playing board games, I have absolutly no idea what he does besides board games.
    I see.
    Good point. That's how my ISFp sister and I are. We are usually playing board games together.


    Quote Originally Posted by NFp-
    If you are their friends, they are quick to offer you help. They are one of the most generous people around and they value their friends a gr8 deal. They like to be competent (hidden agenda) and therefore are often successful in whatever pursuits they immerse themselves in. These guys have great discipline. When they undertake a project, they stay to see it through proper completion. They are capable of making their dreams-- even childhood dreams that most people would have already given up on-- come true. And they can strike up a conversation with almost anyone. Transigent once said that they can make friends with a wall of bricks. That's true. But they are not good in keeping secrets. This you must remember!

    Though they whine a lot (about stress, difficulties they encounter and some 'perceived idiots' in general), they are resilient and able to spring out of setbacks in their lives.

    I see that INTj is classified as 'infantile' under Gulenko's Erotic Attitudes. You can take heart because ESFj guys are paternal people.
    Thanks for the info, NFp-. I am starting to be convinced that the aforementioned guy is ESFj. I was afraid it was wishful thinking.

    Quote Originally Posted by NFp-
    Transigent once said that they can make friends with a wall of bricks.
    I think I can come across as a wall of bricks occasionally , so this is good news.
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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    Creepy-Andie

    Default Thanks!!

    Hey i just want to thank all the people who commented. This may sound ridiculous, but I'm an ESFj female, and I appreciate hearing other people explain/understand my personality. I can't really put into words or portray my inner workings to other people and ya'll did a fantastic job of doing just that.

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    Default Hi again.

    Sorry I'm new here. This is Andie again. I'm trying to get a grasp on how to post and whatnot. Bear with me!

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    So Andie, you are ESFj! would you be willing to write an ESFj profile for the socion.info website? You will get full credit for what you write!

    http://socion.info ...

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    My name is Reuben BTW, nice to meet you!

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    Oh goodness. I don't think I know enough about my personality type to write anything worth reading. Haha.
    "this shaking keeps me steady. i should know. what falls always is always. and is near. i wake to sleep and taking my waking slow. i learn by going where i have to go." -t. roethke

    ENFp!!!

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    Taking you are the only ESFj I know that even remotely knows about socionics ... I am still leaving the option open for you, if you want that.

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    It will also give you a chance to get to know your activity partner, if that is also something you want ... :wink:

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    Quote Originally Posted by rmcnew
    So Andie, you are ESFj! would you be willing to write an ESFj profile for the socion.info website? You will get full credit for what you write!

    http://socion.info ...
    Hmm. Maybe the description should say something like, "ESFJ women are hot-hot-hot".
    MAYBE I'LL BREAK DOWN!!!


    Quote Originally Posted by vague
    Rocky's posts are as enjoyable as having wisdom teeth removed.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rocky
    Quote Originally Posted by rmcnew
    So Andie, you are ESFj! would you be willing to write an ESFj profile for the socion.info website? You will get full credit for what you write!

    http://socion.info ...
    Hmm. Maybe the description should say something like, "ESFJ women are hot-hot-hot".
    Even more so if an ESFj really wrote it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by krae

    I heard Beta were the first :wink:

    Where's our prize? Like M&M's or something! Errr... E-M&M's rather :x

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    Having a complete quandra is the prize, and I am not just saying that because I am your benefactor, Jadae ... :wink:

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    I'd like to ask if anyone has ever experienced an ESFj expressing interest by telling you it's about time you explicitly expressed interest in them.
    I(N)Tj

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    Quote Originally Posted by alex
    I'd like to ask if anyone has ever experienced an ESFj expressing interest by telling you it's about time you explicitly expressed interest in them.
    Wow, has that happened to you?

    Q for anyone who knows:
    In other threads we've discussed the somewhat backwards INTj "flirting" style (i.e. the way we act when we're really interested in someone). Would it be easier for an ESE (as opposed to another type) to pick up on that?
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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    How do INTjs act when they're really interested in someone?
    "this shaking keeps me steady. i should know. what falls always is always. and is near. i wake to sleep and taking my waking slow. i learn by going where i have to go." -t. roethke

    ENFp!!!

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    Here's some examples I've gleaned from other threads. Personally, I'm interested in male ESFjs' reaction to INTj females, but I'd like to know what you think, since it probably works both ways.

    Quote Originally Posted by In another thread, I
    I think maybe I got a little too desperate and pushed myself on him. Though, I'm talking as an INTj and for all I know, I was too subtle and he never noticed.
    What I did was: stare/look at him alot, "follow" him around (i.e. get into the same car when a group of us took 2 cars, etc.), stand kind of close, touch his arm will talking (I confess I did this on purpose and would NEVER have done it spontaneously.)
    Quote Originally Posted by In the aforementioned thread, Pedro the Lion
    When INTJ girls do this they don't seem like they are pushing themselves to anyone else I do this too and I have decided that I will be more agressive in forming relationships like this. I find that its tough for men... over time guys will chase you but girls will not chase guys for long (I seem to attract a lot of ESFP women because of this :/ the only girls I know who are willing to be aggressive like that for a good period of time).

    Quote Originally Posted by XcaliburGirl
    XcaliburGirlAny other INTjs do this? I.e. get "extraverted" and aggressive (by INTj standards) when you really like someone?
    Yes by our standards... I am trying to learn how to do it by "their" standards with mixed success :/ (didn't pan out with an ENFJ I knew).
    Quote Originally Posted by In a different thread, Pedro-the-Lion
    Quote Originally Posted by ENFP_wants_INTJ
    What do you mean with anti-signals? Could you give me some example of anti-signals?
    Avoiding eye contact when you walk into the room, if you lean in towards him he pulls away suddenly (kind of like a knee jerk response), and basically anything else that is typically used to signal rejection to someone who is making advances is actually a sign that he LIKES you and is uncomfortable because he doesn't want to make a mistake. If he is all snuggly and whatever and is not in a long term relationship with you he is probably comfortable around you because you are a "friend" and so you are screwed for the moment you have to make it obvious that you don't want to be "just friends."
    Quote Originally Posted by In yet another thread, Waddlesworth
    It isn't so bothersome except for the fact that they tend not to express the significant feelings that they have for individuals, especially not to their faces. Like, they will discuss the people they care about in conversation(you can tell who thye like by how much they talk about the little things they do with them)It seems like people(seems!) to them are somehow accessories for fun experiences and memories. The emotion always seems synthetic and superficial.
    Quote Originally Posted by In that thread, Expat
    Being INTJ myself, I'm terrible at flirting and small talk. I have learned how to fake it, sort of, but I always tend to shift the conversation to matters of more substance - which is precisely what most people don't want. I have been told by female friends, "your talk is too brainy!"
    With INTJ women, I start conversations that flow much more easily since they also dislike small talk and are happy to chat without any overt flirting. So I also feel comfortable about asking them out at some point (with or without success).
    However, I think you'll get precisely the opposite reaction from most men - the signs they think they're getting from you is that you're happy to talk to them, or perhaps that you're being polite, but not interested in them as men.
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pedro-the-Lion
    no quoting me
    I've never really had that thought about my dual, though I may be wrong.. what did happen is that they would screw around/make fun of people/mock so much that it was almost impossible to tell if they were being serious. So, you could put yourself out there, they would accept, and it would turn out later that they were just "kidding." They also make it look like they are kidding around when they are serious, so as "open" as they are, you really are just flying by the seat of your pants when you're around them. Because of all that, I'd just kind of ignore my duals, or snap when they started "screwing around" with me. It had its plusses, and disadvantages. the bad: it took alot of energy to ward them off, because they are almost relentless. the good: ignoring them, when they know you, kinda gets them really interested.. so if you're people smart, then you can use that to your advantage (you have to know what you are doing, because one person I know did the ignoring, and when he started paying attention to them, they lost interest instantly).
    thing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pedro-the-Lion
    that sounds more like supervision realtions
    If you were referring to me, then howso?
    thing.

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    you have to know what you are doing, because one person I know did the ignoring, and when he started paying attention to them, they lost interest instantly.
    Yeah, that sounds like a relation of supervision to me too, from personal experience.
    ENFP - Ethical Subtype.
    In touch with semireality.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pedro-the-Lion
    bloop
    I agree.

    Especially at first, I felt like I don't really have anything worthwhile to give to the other person in a relationship. Logic isn't exactly warm and fuzzy. On the other hand, I was surprised to find that my dual has insecurities that seem so easy to fix... like the shoe is on the other foot. In the past (with other types) I've either felt parasitic or had an "I-want-to-save-him-from-himself"(generally, I couldn't) attitude.

    843294671
    *sigh* Yeah, me too... will we ever get the hang of it?
    TiNe, LII, INTj, etc.
    "I feel like I should be making a sarcastic comment right now, but you're just so cute!" - Shego, Kim Possible

  30. #30
    Creepy-stable

    Default esfj flirts no boyfriend. ask out = boyfriend

    So for one month she flirts with me and I with her. She is perceptive as to stimulates my interest. She mentions how she spends her weekends alone and how she likes to snuggle up in her bed when it is cold by herself. She stated that she has no roommates. She has made no mention of a boyfriend the whole time. This includes her birthday. It would seem to me that a woman who is very conscious of her social status would make a point to talk about what wonderful gifts were bestowed upon her by her boyfriend.
    I finally ask her out and she drops a boyfriend bomb claiming it is a relationship spanning many years. I guess she just forgot his name for the month we were flirting.
    Do these people always act like this?
    Any idea why she would not mention the beau? If in fact he exists it was a conscious effort to conceal on her part. Why?

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    hi!! i'm the only ESFj here. So i can probably explain that to you. I have a feeling that she's not and ESFj. Several of those qualities you stated don't really follow along with our type. When i am in a relationship, i am fully committed. I don't go around telling people, but i would never be flirting with a guy and on top of that i would mention it. I was talking to my best friend about this (sunflower) and she told me that it sounded more like her type ENFp. Not that this girl is ENFp, but more so that personality than the ESFj. I hope that helps, i think that no matter what her decisions about your "relationship" were kinda bitchy. Sorry you had to deal with that.
    "this shaking keeps me steady. i should know. what falls always is always. and is near. i wake to sleep and taking my waking slow. i learn by going where i have to go." -t. roethke

    ENFp!!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by rmcnew
    ESFj females tend to not be very shy ... even exceptionally beautiful ones have been known to take the incentive and approach guys they are interested in. But, an ESFjs female may not display immediate interest in a guy unless she is sure that he likes her. So, if an ESFj girl likes you, sometimes all you need to do is throw a few obvious hints and she will start to find reasons to be around you more.

    ESFj females also have a tendency to be very very pushy with relationships ... especially if they know they have a guy wrapped around their fingers. Just a little warning, they have been known to chase people away with their constant insistence and pushing for a deeper relationship. If you do not know how to deal with that, I would not necessarily go for an ESFj.

    I am speaking from personal experience ... the ESFjs females I have known were very beautiful, and they all acted this way towards me and anyone else they were interested in ...

    But then again, I am their activity partner as an ENTp; that is probably why ESFjs have had a tendency to become attracted to me in the past. I do not know how it is with ISTjs ...



    WEll, the real question is, it seems that McNew has changed his type since this post. Does he (and other people) agree that ESFjs act that way?
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dudeins
    How do INTjs act when they're really interested in someone?
    It is actually quite fitting - because if I am interested with someone, I will spend time with them. Logical proximity. I don't spend time with people I don't like or things that are not valued.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by UDP III
    Quote Originally Posted by rmcnew
    ESFj females also have a tendency to be very very pushy with relationships ... especially if they know they have a guy wrapped around their fingers. Just a little warning, they have been known to chase people away with their constant insistence and pushing for a deeper relationship. If you do not know how to deal with that, I would not necessarily go for an ESFj.



    WEll, the real question is, it seems that McNew has changed his type since this post. Does he (and other people) agree that ESFjs act that way?
    Yes. Yes yes yes, unless I've mistyped the one person I know that I think is ESFj. I also don't like watching them manipulate people...

    Maybe these are exceptions, though? I'm kinda working with a limited sample. I've gotta know more than one ESFj, but I've only identified this one. Edit: and I think my opinion of this person's type has changed.

    rmcnew's type changing might explain why he didn't speak so highly of ESFj in the earlier posts - they may not be his activity partners after all.

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    ESFjs are very forwards with their intentions. I'm very turned off by that - not that I have been many times on the reiceiving end, only once - but that would probably work well on an introvert. Probably my repulsion is given by my analogous nature.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    I do not mind it, but I realize I find it tiring to be excessively pursuant of another person. It would be easier form me to be pursued.


    I do know some ESEs to be manipulative as Elro said. I wonder how I would deal with one of those, or rather, how one of those would deal with me.


    However, in generally it sounds very much like ESE is my dual.
    Pre-2013 post are written with incomplete understanding.

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    How can you tell if an ESFJ likes you?

    Simple answer: When they can't stop thinking about you.

    Practically? I think it depends on the ESFJ. But I know that 'my' biggest thing is doing whatever 'I' personally believe the one I love would want me to do - for example: if he has a certain book on his wish list I might buy it for him simply because I know he wants it.

    We also like to spend a lot of time either a) discussing with our friends about the guy or, b) being with the guy.

    And because we are SO in love with compliments - we will compliment who we love - unless they become awkward about being complimented - then we may back off.

    As someone previously said - if we don't know that the guy likes us - we're going to try to not pursue them any more then we would a friend. ((This may result in us being colder; or friendlier then normal - and we may also teeter-totter on that)) But if you drop a few obvious hints - we're going to be all over you. :wink:

    Also, if we love you, and you ignore us - it will take all of our will power to NOT get mad.

    So, simple test to see if an ESFJ likes you more then a friend? Ignore them for a few months. If they don't talk to you - then they obviously don't care at all - they might not even like you really as a friend - but if they confront you - you have about a 50-50 chance.

    I hope this explains a few questions.
    Last edited by yellow82; 11-08-2010 at 02:04 AM.

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