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Thread: Intertype relations of long-term couples

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    Default Intertype relations of long-term couples

    I mean people who have been together for at least like 5 years. Most have been together more like 10 or even 40 or 50.

    Most I know have been either duals or mirrors, but I wouldn't be surprised if I know as many mirror long-term couples as duals.

    My theory is that these couples do well if they have an outside source who is the dual of one of them and activity partner of the other. Like, romantic couples don't have to give each other everything if the partners are getting those things elsewhere. My mother-in-law's sister is her dual. My father-in-law is her mirror. They seem to get along quiet well. That's an example.

    And I suppose that could pertain to other relationships between romantic couples. Like, if they don't cause too much conflict with each other and they're getting their functional needs met by friends and family, it seems like they should be able to be quite happy in a relationship other than duality. Activity partners, semi-duals, etc., particularly. My parents are a look-alike couple and they've had problems over the years, but they've kept it together and are generally happy. My dad's best friend is his dual. My mom seems to have a few sources for Fi particularly - my brother is her dual, and my sister and I both have strong Fi. I don't know if she had a source before we were big enough to be of help. But then my parents had especially big problems before we were teenagers. It settled down quite a bit at that point. Maybe that isn't coincidental.

    So, what relationships do you see in the long-term relationships around you?
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    I have to re-write my empirical lists some day --

    My parents were mirrors - ESFj mother, ISFp father - and they stayed together for 40 years until my father died, not without occasional problems but I don't think they ever seriously considered separating. My brother is my father's dual - ENTp - but that wasn't obvious when we were growing up. I can't recall any other ENTp or INTj around them. Sure, my brother and mother are activity partners.

    My brother married an ISFp and I don't think they ever had any kind of fight, for 20 years now.

    I know an ISTj male - ISFj female look-alike couple who's been together for over 20 years, and I think they never really fought; of their late teen kids, a boy is ENFj and the girl is ISFp. The father is very close to the boy.

    I also know an identical ISFj-ISFj couple, also no fights as far as I know, I'm not aware of any ENTj or ESFp there.

    So, I don't know. I have to think of more examples.
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    "Long-Term" means something different for everyone but:

    Daniel (ESTp) and I (INTj) Supervision-dated for 7 1/2 years married for 1 1/2 years.

    Mom (INFj) and Dad (ESTj) Dual married 27 years dated for about 2 years.

    I know of lots of other people in long term relationships, but I'm not certain about their type, so I'll leave it at that for now.
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    I start here with my own...I add more about the others later (I put them in another thread but now I'm too lazy to copy them here).

    Well personally I am apparently in conflicting, supervisory, super-ego or mirror relations (lol). Married for about 7 years and dated for about 4 years or so but with a short break at one point when the relations was not yet very serious.

    We share similar enough view about any big picture issue (money, children, house-keeping, ... you name it ...). Nowadays we even share same religion. We mostly even share the same interpretation of the religion however we disagree somewhat on how it should be practiced but it is not something we argue about. We just approach it differently. We don't really share much hobbies though because our interests are somewhat different.

    So there are no practical problems. However we do argue a lot when we try to do serious work together. End result of the work is usually fruitful as we have somewhat different strenghts but the road to enlightenment is ALWAYS full of heated arguments. We work best when we don't brainstorm too much together but instead swap the work from one person to another and work the details independently from the other. Especially she has to work her part alone because she gets totally freaked out about my criticism. We can NEVER agree on details. And I'm too perfectionistic and not effective enough for her. Generally I'm not as vulnerable to her criticism as she is to mine. It doesn't annoy me like mine annoys her but she can make me feel unsure of things which I thought I was sure. So I guess we both disturb each other's thinking process at close range interaction but we perceive and react to the disturbance differently (she totally freaks out from my criticism, I start to second question myself and hesitate from her criticism).

    She also often perceives my negative expressions as more than they are. Like if I get annoyed and say "fuck this is NEVER going to work. FUCK I HATE THIS" it really means "damned, this thing we are trying isn't working, we should try something else". She still (after all these years) perceives that as "oh no he is really angry and seems to be giving up" and it gets her inspiration down pretty fast. Then I have to explain that I was just venting a bit. She never seems to get adjusted to my burst. And I do get those kind of burst if something is stalled and we have been doing a lot of work and nothing seems to be moving. I'm not very patient in that sense. And I do have a LOT of effect on her current mood. I can kill it totally or get it high. She can't really kill my mood that effectively but she can totally make me hesitant which can indirectly kill my mood and drop me from "I'm the king of the world!" to "Do I really understand this thing at all?!?!"

    Out of context of serious work we often interact very peacefully and many people think we never argue (which is far from the truth). But as said our arguments are mostly related to trying to produce something concrete together. Very rarely do they appear in other kind of interaction. Big picture about most things we usually share or at least can respect the other person's interpretation of it.

    Then I know a lot of potential supervisor couples but I try to find time to write about them laters. They were briefly reported in another thread. I make a longer description of them here "soon".

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    Duals:

    Uncle: EXT(j?)
    Wife: IXF(j?)
    20+yrs

    Unknown:

    Grandad: INTp?
    Granmom: EXX(j?)
    50+yrs

    Dad: EXXX
    Mom: IXX(j?)
    20+yrs
    9w1

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    for some reason ej-ej seems to work well from what i have noticed

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    I start here with my own...I add more about the others later (I put them in another thread but now I'm too lazy to copy them here).

    Well personally I am apparently in conflicting, supervisory, super-ego or mirror relations (lol). Married for about 7 years and dated for about 4 years or so but with a short break at one point when the relations was not yet very serious.

    We share similar enough view about any big picture issue (money, children, house-keeping, ... you name it ...). Nowadays we even share same religion. We mostly even share the same interpretation of the religion however we disagree somewhat on how it should be practiced but it is not something we argue about. We just approach it differently. We don't really share much hobbies though because our interests are somewhat different.

    So there are no practical problems. However we do argue a lot when we try to do serious work together. End result of the work is usually fruitful as we have somewhat different strenghts but the road to enlightenment is ALWAYS full of heated arguments. We work best when we don't brainstorm too much together but instead swap the work from one person to another and work the details independently from the other. Especially she has to work her part alone because she gets totally freaked out about my criticism. We can NEVER agree on details. And I'm too perfectionistic and not effective enough for her. Generally I'm not as vulnerable to her criticism as she is to mine. It doesn't annoy me like mine annoys her but she can make me feel unsure of things which I thought I was sure. So I guess we both disturb each other's thinking process at close range interaction but we perceive and react to the disturbance differently (she totally freaks out from my criticism, I start to second question myself and hesitate from her criticism).

    She also often perceives my negative expressions as more than they are. Like if I get annoyed and say "fuck this is NEVER going to work. FUCK I HATE THIS" it really means "damned, this thing we are trying isn't working, we should try something else". She still (after all these years) perceives that as "oh no he is really angry and seems to be giving up" and it gets her inspiration down pretty fast. Then I have to explain that I was just venting a bit. She never seems to get adjusted to my burst. And I do get those kind of burst if something is stalled and we have been doing a lot of work and nothing seems to be moving. I'm not very patient in that sense. And I do have a LOT of effect on her current mood. I can kill it totally or get it high. She can't really kill my mood that effectively but she can totally make me hesitant which can indirectly kill my mood and drop me from "I'm the king of the world!" to "Do I really understand this thing at all?!?!"

    Out of context of serious work we often interact very peacefully and many people think we never argue (which is far from the truth). But as said our arguments are mostly related to trying to produce something concrete together. Very rarely do they appear in other kind of interaction. Big picture about most things we usually share or at least can respect the other person's interpretation of it.

    Then I know a lot of potential supervisor couples but I try to find time to write about them laters. They were briefly reported in another thread. I make a longer description of them here "soon".
    ahahha. you sound INFp from this post. my mother-father are isfj istj btw and they've been toghether for long without major misunderstanding/problems except the normal shit
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by science as magic
    for some reason ej-ej seems to work well from what i have noticed
    i concur.
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    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    Quote Originally Posted by science as magic
    for some reason ej-ej seems to work well from what i have noticed
    i concur.
    To the extent that this is true, it is due to the identical temperament. I haven't seen evidence, however, that EJ-EJ necessarily works better than, say, IJ-IJ.

    In fact, I know more successful IJ-IJ couples than EJ-EJ ones - admittedly a not very large sampling for either.
    , LIE, ENTj logical subtype, 8w9 sx/sp
    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    gah you're like the shittiest ENTj ever!

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    I don't know if my parents would count as a "successful" ej-ej couple because they have had a lot of problems through the years. On the other hand, they seem pretty happy at this point. I never know just what to make of them.

    I don't think I know any ij-ij couples.

    I will have to keep my eyes open more about this kind of thing - couples who are from different quadras especially. But non-dual and non-mirror couples generally, since most I know seem to be either duals or mirrors.
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    i've had 4 years (combined total) of one conflict relationship.

    and conflict is was... the reason i started a seach and found socionics.


    i've read that supervision relations are many times pretty long and without fights. although someone who's in supervision had experienced the bad things. but didn't break up.

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    My parents have a super-ego relation - dad (INTj) and mum (ISFj). They have been married for 22 years, but there have been problems every now and then due to personality differences. For example, my mum finds my dad boring, spends too much time in pursuing degrees, has bad fashion sense, doesn't help in the housework at all and can be longwinded when he tries to overexplains things. (Actually, I feel the same way too. ) On the other hand, my dad wishes that my mum is more interested in theoretical subjects (which I find is ridiculous 'cos he always leaves the housework to her) and take a course in a polytechnic or university. He tried to get her to sign up for a diploma in interior design once since she is interested in drawing, but she felt that it wasn't necessary 'cos it is no longer her priority in life.

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    .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Diana
    Dated 8 months, married almost 10 years for me, conflict. And I don't want to talk about it. The end.
    I know exactly what you mean.

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    I know an identical couple ESFP (SEE) . My uncle and aunt good relation although sometimes small quarrels.
    according to them and what i've seen myself.

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    My mom is ENFp and my dad is probably INFp. They had contrary relations, and they were married for 18 years before they separated.
    Quote Originally Posted by jxrtes View Post
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall
    My mom is ENFp and my dad is probably INFp. They had contrary relations, and they were married for 18 years before they separated.
    I, for one, have never seen a Contrary couple in my life.

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    Quote Originally Posted by thehotelambush
    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall
    My mom is ENFp and my dad is probably INFp. They had contrary relations, and they were married for 18 years before they separated.
    I, for one, have never seen a Contrary couple in my life.
    I think I know one but I'm still a bit unsure. The guy is hard to type.

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    Quote Originally Posted by thehotelambush
    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall
    My mom is ENFp and my dad is probably INFp. They had contrary relations, and they were married for 18 years before they separated.
    I, for one, have never seen a Contrary couple in my life.
    I think I know one but I'm still a bit unsure. The guy is hard to type.
    Actually, I just thought of one I know: ESFp-ISFp. I'm not sure, the ISFp might be ISFj. But I tend to attribute things like that to my typing bias. Perhaps too quickly.

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    dad: istj
    mom: estj

    married for 30 years :wink: and they don't really have much problems.

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    dad: istj
    mom: estj

    married for 30 years :wink: and they don't really have much problems.

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    Quote Originally Posted by thehotelambush
    Actually, I just thought of one I know: ESFp-ISFp. I'm not sure, the ISFp might be ISFj. But I tend to attribute things like that to my typing bias. Perhaps too quickly.
    *cough*

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    Quote Originally Posted by thehotelambush
    Actually, I just thought of one I know: ESFp-ISFp. I'm not sure, the ISFp might be ISFj. But I tend to attribute things like that to my typing bias. Perhaps too quickly.
    *cough*

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    well me and my lookalike ex lived together for 3 years and were married for 12. we did divorce, but we lasted awhile. coulda fixed it, too, but darn it that friggin infp hadda come along..... oh well but i still consider this relationship to have been successful in the sense that we achieved a lot together and are working together well to parent our children.

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    well me and my lookalike ex lived together for 3 years and were married for 12. we did divorce, but we lasted awhile. coulda fixed it, too, but darn it that friggin infp hadda come along..... oh well but i still consider this relationship to have been successful in the sense that we achieved a lot together and are working together well to parent our children.

    ILE

    those who are easily shocked.....should be shocked more often

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    Quote Originally Posted by jaja
    dad: istj
    mom: estj

    married for 30 years :wink: and they don't really have much problems.
    I kinda see the potential for either your dad being isfj or you mom being estp
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    Quote Originally Posted by jaja
    dad: istj
    mom: estj

    married for 30 years :wink: and they don't really have much problems.
    I kinda see the potential for either your dad being isfj or you mom being estp
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    ...
    IEI subtype

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    ...
    IEI subtype

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    vague, what is "really good"?

    Long term couples: Parents are conflictors and have been together for 30+ years. They have maintained civility and much history together. Fight a lot.

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    vague, what is "really good"?

    Long term couples: Parents are conflictors and have been together for 30+ years. They have maintained civility and much history together. Fight a lot.

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    mom is estj and dad is infj; they've been married 44 years. they nitpick at each other, but generally get along well. i think they'd be hard for anyone else to get along with though, lol.

    she's infj he's enfp, married 5 years.

    he's esfj she's istj, married 4 years.

    she's enfj he's estp, married 7 years.

    he's infp she's istj, married 25 years then divorced.

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    mom is estj and dad is infj; they've been married 44 years. they nitpick at each other, but generally get along well. i think they'd be hard for anyone else to get along with though, lol.

    she's infj he's enfp, married 5 years.

    he's esfj she's istj, married 4 years.

    she's enfj he's estp, married 7 years.

    he's infp she's istj, married 25 years then divorced.

    ILE

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    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    mom is estj and dad is infj; they've been married 44 years. they nitpick at each other, but generally get along well. i think they'd be hard for anyone else to get along with though, lol.
    wow!

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    Quote Originally Posted by diamond8
    mom is estj and dad is infj; they've been married 44 years. they nitpick at each other, but generally get along well. i think they'd be hard for anyone else to get along with though, lol.
    wow!

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    I start here with my own...I add more about the others later (I put them in another thread but now I'm too lazy to copy them here).
    ...
    Sounds like Superego, alright:
    Superego:
    Cre-Si and Cre-Ni share a point of view but fight for power. Each feels the other's methods are misplaced. The results of their actions are in many ways directly opposite and thus the actions of the other seem to only make worse what the other perceives to be the problem.
    I've been there for a year, and it isn't pretty. Very soon lost respect for my boss and even the motivation to work. Not a bad guy, but we simply can't work together. The most "harmless" of questions that he poses makes me feel annoyed at my inferiority and insufficient skills. And he used to get chickened out by a single look or tone from me. Lots of accidental poking at each other's self-esteem. The project only picked up after he took over most of the work, which required lots of explanations of grammatical rules... And he's naturally good at constructing them, while it takes extreme effort on my part -- I just felt like a blockhead whenever he asked me to do so. I relate to the demotivation thing as well: I wasn't fond of his way of making gloomy forecasts which extended to the country's economy, followed by visions of how he'd save the country's situation by stirring a revolution with his unique ideas. The frequent "compromises" we had were inspiring only for a while; in the end, all I wanted was for him to tell me how I should fulfill the work and keep the tension high... instead of allowing me to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

    Have the two of you drawn up plans for child rearing? It wouldn't be good for your children to see you arguing over them and going at each other's "petty" concerns. At least, that's how it was like between my parents before they finally separated -- to the relief of all. Best to come to an agreement on every single detail before it's too late...!!!
    “I think, therefore I'll think" - Ayn Rand (ESTp, UR GUARDIAN ANGEL)

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    Quote Originally Posted by XoX
    I start here with my own...I add more about the others later (I put them in another thread but now I'm too lazy to copy them here).
    ...
    Sounds like Superego, alright:
    Superego:
    Cre-Si and Cre-Ni share a point of view but fight for power. Each feels the other's methods are misplaced. The results of their actions are in many ways directly opposite and thus the actions of the other seem to only make worse what the other perceives to be the problem.
    I've been there for a year, and it isn't pretty. Very soon lost respect for my boss and even the motivation to work. Not a bad guy, but we simply can't work together. The most "harmless" of questions that he poses makes me feel annoyed at my inferiority and insufficient skills. And he used to get chickened out by a single look or tone from me. Lots of accidental poking at each other's self-esteem. The project only picked up after he took over most of the work, which required lots of explanations of grammatical rules... And he's naturally good at constructing them, while it takes extreme effort on my part -- I just felt like a blockhead whenever he asked me to do so. I relate to the demotivation thing as well: I wasn't fond of his way of making gloomy forecasts which extended to the country's economy, followed by visions of how he'd save the country's situation by stirring a revolution with his unique ideas. The frequent "compromises" we had were inspiring only for a while; in the end, all I wanted was for him to tell me how I should fulfill the work and keep the tension high... instead of allowing me to do whatever I want, whenever I want.

    Have the two of you drawn up plans for child rearing? It wouldn't be good for your children to see you arguing over them and going at each other's "petty" concerns. At least, that's how it was like between my parents before they finally separated -- to the relief of all. Best to come to an agreement on every single detail before it's too late...!!!
    “I think, therefore I'll think" - Ayn Rand (ESTp, UR GUARDIAN ANGEL)

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