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Thread: Apologizing to an IEI/INFp in relationship

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    Default Apologizing to an IEI/INFp in relationship

    How do you effectively apologize to an INFP ex boyfriend after you have said some of the worst things you could possibly say to someone? Examples would include telling them you were just using them and that you never had true feelings for them? Would infpís be able to forgive? I was also told by him that he was also just using me and never had true feelings eitherÖcould and infp really do that to someone? I never imagined he could ever say that to me. I never imagined he could have it in him to use someone. I did write an apology but he hasnít responded and I feel horrible. We havenít talked since it was said. Iím afraid Iíve hurt him too much. Iím the type that can forgive and forget in a heart beat but I just donít know how others operate. Thoughts from infps?

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    He most likely felt hurt, and he probably said those things out of anger.

    I don't know if my views go for all INFp's, but I've been known to hold grudges for a while if somebody has done something to really hurt me badly, and I may not want to see or talk to that person for a long amount of time. I feel that time can always heal my wounds though, and once I get all the hate and bad thoughts out of my head I can usually find a place in my heart to forgive and forget. I have a habit of blocking bad memories out of my head after a certain period of time, and if I'm ever reminded of those memories, or find myself looking back at them I'll start to feel the pain again (one of the reasons I don't really talk about past relationships).

    So... my advice is that you may want to give him time. He's probably trying to isolate himself from you and the situation right now because he probably feels really bad about it. Try not to remind him of all the bad things you went through. If you feel like you have to say something about it don't say it in a negative way (even if he tries to turn it into something negative). Maybe you should try to tell him that you didn't really mean all the hurtful things that you said, and you could possibly try to make him feel better about the situation. Also, he might not want to express his feelings with written words, so talking to him over the phone could be a solution.

    I don't know if that helps, but good luck anyway!
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    Is this the same INFp you talked about like...zillion times ago? I mean you apparently can't get over him even if that was the "game plan" you were supposed to follow...

    Anyways I generally forgive really fast (not sure about my type though, heh). However every negative experience makes me a bit more suspicious of the person. So even if I consciously totally forgive someone I might subconsciously be unable to trust that person completely anymore. This would be bad for developing long term relationships. This is what typically happens with ESTps They do something which sort of breaks my trust and then I forgive it but can't forget it.

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    Default Re: Attn: INFP's!

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    How do you effectively apologize to an INFP ex boyfriend after you have said some of the worst things you could possibly say to someone? Examples would include telling them you were just using them and that you never had true feelings for them?
    I guess.... a couple of hours of sex should do it. Stripping also helps... so does dirty talk...

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    I can relate to this situation: my boyfriend of a year and half recently broke up with me out of nowhere, and I found out through a third party (his journal) that he was with me only because he was bored and lonely. I was furious and hurt, as one would expect, but I am able and willing to forgive.
    You did the appropriate thing by writing him a letter, and I'm sure he took it to heart. He's probably still upset about the breakup and the accompanying blow to his self-esteem, and is currently trying to get over his anger. He also might be withholding his forgiveness from you because of a need for control and self-validation: by not forgiving you immediately, he's created the idea in his mind that his refusal to grant you forgiveness has a significant negative impact upon you, and that this significant negative impact implies that he really does mean something to you after all (even if he recognizes things are over). So, in short, his self-esteem and pride are wounded, and he probably misses you - that's where the "I'm using you" part came in. Starfall is right - he was saying that out of anger and hurt.
    But yeah, in essence, you went about things well by initiating contact with him and expressing your remorse. So few of us are that lucky to have that kind of closure. If my ex said those things to me, I'd forgive him almost instantly, though I'd still be slightly hurt.

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    You're changing your mind about this once a day. Get over it and find somebody else, because the story is fucked up already, and insisting will only worsen the situation.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    ISTp and INFp shouldn't push their relationship. In the beginning of the relationship you can ignore socionics and see if it will still work, but if you start seeing serious problems, it's probably time to move on.
    EIE, ENFj, intuitive subtype.
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    haha..my infp ex accused me of using him for sex. I about fell over laughing when he said that.

    It's just too awkward for me. I'm sure they're quite attractive to others, but when you have two heavily introverted people with such a different way of thinking about things, it makes things very strained. I personally don't know how these two types would ever get along.. be it in a romantic, friendship, etc type of relationship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    haha..my infp ex accused me of using him for sex.


    The problem with that would be..... ?
    ; 5w6

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    lol, i was in a way to be honest...

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    lol, i was in a way to be honest...
    hahaha, that's awesome coming from a chick. *high five*

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    lol, i was in a way to be honest...

    So WTF? Was he some kind of nancy boy or something?
    ; 5w6

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    My thoughts exactly. Most men, I would think, would be more than thrilled to have a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than 99% of the men out there. Not in this case. Hence the reason I questioned his sexuality. He never denied being gay. Who knows.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    My thoughts exactly. Most men, I would think, would be more than thrilled to have a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than 99% of the men out there. Not in this case. Hence the reason I questioned his sexuality. He never denied being gay. Who knows.
    Maybe he felt a little threatened?
    ; 5w6

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    My thoughts exactly. Most men, I would think, would be more than thrilled to have a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than 99% of the men out there. Not in this case. Hence the reason I questioned his sexuality. He never denied being gay. Who knows.
    of course you need to take into consideration that you approach sex like an istp, NOT like an estp, and hence after the initial little lust thing he probably didn't find you too sexy, after all, IF guys were more than thrilled to have a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than 99% of men out there then why were your previous relationships utter failures? exactly. if only humans were like rabbits you'd be able to spend your entire life gleefully like a little girl at disney world. unfortunately there's a little bit more to it as you'll one day find out
    INFp-Ni

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    Relax. He never stood up to the plate like other men I've been with, that's all I'm saying. Sex doesn't have to have some huge meaning behind it. And no, I will not have a pussy as a boyfriend who cries in front of me because I forgot to call him that day. There was nothing to HIM that made me want to invest anything other than sex. That's all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Relax. He never stood up to the plate like other men I've been with, that's all I'm saying. Sex doesn't have to have some huge meaning behind it. And no, I will not have a pussy as a boyfriend who cries in front of me because I forgot to call him that day. There was nothing to HIM that made me want to invest anything other than sex. That's all.
    bah
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Relax. He never stood up to the plate like other men I've been with, that's all I'm saying. Sex doesn't have to have some huge meaning behind it. And no, I will not have a pussy as a boyfriend who cries in front of me because I forgot to call him that day. There was nothing to HIM that made me want to invest anything other than sex. That's all.
    bah
    ditto.
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    elaborate

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Relax. He never stood up to the plate like other men I've been with, that's all I'm saying. Sex doesn't have to have some huge meaning behind it. And no, I will not have a pussy as a boyfriend who cries in front of me because I forgot to call him that day. There was nothing to HIM that made me want to invest anything other than sex. That's all.
    whoa! i almost got frostbite reading this. and i thought i was cold...
    IEI - the nasty kind...

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    elaborate
    the last two lines sound like said out of anger, mostly.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by misutii
    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    My thoughts exactly. Most men, I would think, would be more than thrilled to have a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than 99% of the men out there. Not in this case. Hence the reason I questioned his sexuality. He never denied being gay. Who knows.
    of course you need to take into consideration that you approach sex like an istp, NOT like an estp, and hence after the initial little lust thing he probably didn't find you too sexy, after all, IF guys were more than thrilled to have a girlfriend with a higher sex drive than 99% of men out there then why were your previous relationships utter failures? exactly. if only humans were like rabbits you'd be able to spend your entire life gleefully like a little girl at disney world. unfortunately there's a little bit more to it as you'll one day find out

    Yes, I'm sure one day she'll grow up and be as worldly and wise as you.


    ; 5w6

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    Is this a kind of fight between types we're having here?!

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    Sorry if I'm being too blunt, but it's the truth. At first I tried to convince myself I was happy but now that I look at it, it was purely based on sex.

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    Quote Originally Posted by implied
    Quote Originally Posted by FDG
    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Relax. He never stood up to the plate like other men I've been with, that's all I'm saying. Sex doesn't have to have some huge meaning behind it. And no, I will not have a pussy as a boyfriend who cries in front of me because I forgot to call him that day. There was nothing to HIM that made me want to invest anything other than sex. That's all.
    bah
    ditto.

    hah, double ditto?
    SEE Unknown Subtype
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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Relax. He never stood up to the plate like other men I've been with, that's all I'm saying. Sex doesn't have to have some huge meaning behind it. And no, I will not have a pussy as a boyfriend who cries in front of me because I forgot to call him that day. There was nothing to HIM that made me want to invest anything other than sex. That's all.
    Yeah. ISTp + INFp relations are not good things. Jessica what your saying is right, in the end when the relationship didn't work out you had nothing but sex between you, and then that failed.

    Misutii made a pertinent point about you having incompatible sexual styles. He was looking for you as an agressor and you were approaching him sexually with your careful style. I suspect thats part of the reason the sex dried up. INFps are quite deep people, and much like ENFp's if the rest of the relationship isn't there we couldn't give two shits about sex in the long run.

    I must admit that after the initial honeymoon period i get a little bored of sex. I think it partially has to do with me telling that the relationship is starting to fail. Of course its always pretty fun but once im over that initial zang its definately not enough to base a relationship around. Still, i've never slept with a careful sexual style, so hopefully that will keep the candle burning so to speak :wink:
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    I think what rubbed people the wrong way was you saying that if the guy didn't want to have frequent sex with you, he must be gay. Guys are a bit more complicated than that. They might want a real relationship with a compatible partner from time to time too.

    Anyway, it's best that relationship is in the past, and hopefully you'll both move onto relationships where you're both happier.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    Yes, I probobly shouldn't have implied he was gay..I get a bit too um...blunt. But I just never personally met a guy like him. Extremely emotionally needy and demanding. That's great and all, I just can't be with someone like that.

    Hell, he threatened suicide whenever i didn't give him 100% of my attention....it was just really strange. Not healthy whatsoever. And don't get me wrong, I don't want a relationship purely based on sex. I've had that more than i'd care to admit and i would love something deeper. Admittedly so, I'm an extremely sexual person and maybe it does turn guys off. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm not "deep" enough. Whatever. I've given up completely. No grandkids for my parents.

    But back to the topic at hand...sick of writing novels about my life.

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    Don't give up completely! You're young yet - you'll find someone right for you.

    He obviously wasn't a healthy person regardless of type, and that isn't your fault.
    It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Admittedly so, I'm an extremely sexual person and maybe it does turn guys off.
    No!

    f the guy didn't want to have frequent sex with you, he must be gay. Guys are a bit more complicated than that. They might want a real relationship with a compatible partner from time to time too.
    Well if the relationship has already gone downhill, I lose the sex drive towards the person no matter how I liked her before. It's just natural, I think.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Yes, I probobly shouldn't have implied he was gay..I get a bit too um...blunt. But I just never personally met a guy like him. Extremely emotionally needy and demanding. That's great and all, I just can't be with someone like that.

    Hell, he threatened suicide whenever i didn't give him 100% of my attention....it was just really strange. Not healthy whatsoever. And don't get me wrong, I don't want a relationship purely based on sex. I've had that more than i'd care to admit and i would love something deeper. Admittedly so, I'm an extremely sexual person and maybe it does turn guys off. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm not "deep" enough. Whatever. I've given up completely. No grandkids for my parents.

    But back to the topic at hand...sick of writing novels about my life.
    you just need someone that will let you be yourself, like an ENFp!
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    Quote Originally Posted by napalm


    Yes, I'm sure one day she'll grow up and be as worldly and wise as you.


    i know i'm a smart-ass and deserve a spanking *braces for impact* lol
    INFp-Ni

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    Default ATTN: INFP's

    Stop being so confusing. Thanks.

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    Default Re: ATTN: INFP's

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Stop being so confusing. Thanks.
    Things are so confusing when you're young.

    or an INFP.
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    I actually like it when INFps are confusing, in a way. I like trying to figure them out, even though I don't normally suceed.
    , Se-sub
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    Quote Originally Posted by Herzy
    I actually like it when INFps are confusing, in a way. I like trying to figure them out
    Me too.
    Suomea

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    Default Re: ATTN: INFP's

    Quote Originally Posted by jessica129
    Stop being so confusing. Thanks.
    *confused*

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    Indirectness sucks.

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    Well, I mean, like, if it's a burrito you want, just don't write it off as "Tomorrow's Problem." Because that just makes them angry and want to, like, get going in the other direction. But theoretically, I think it could work, really. If, indeed, he means what he says he means, but I'm not so sure about that. It's like TMI, i f you know what I mean. And if you don't, that alright too, because I don't have work tomorrow. We should have sex.

    And also, your mom says "Hi."

    "How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
    -- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

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