I'm Going Insane - Please Help Me Find Me....
Hello everyone!
I found Socionics after a long romance with the Myers-Briggs-Kiersey system. For some reason, I've always been drawn to personality theory. I spent many hours reading through typology books and online discriptions trying to discover my own type, and that of those I love and admire. I guess at some primal level I really am a very insecure person. I feel like I need to know constantly that there is some validity to my behavior.
A little about myself: I grew up in an Indian household in the Northeastern U.S. and as a child, I remember I always felt out-of-the-loop somehow. My parents ideal for a son was someone athletic, was outspoken, and was academically gifted in science and math especially. (In fact, I'd wager that that's the ideal of a great many parents from that culture.) I don't think I ever fulfilled that ideal. I didn't "dissapoint" my parents, per se. I just didn't fit in very well. My dad accepts me more so than my mom, who regards me as almost a joke with "much to improve" (and, growing up, never let me forget it!).
I like to think of myself as eloquent (to everyone but my parents, I guess), but I've never been outspoken. In fact, people always tell me I'm "quiet." Even if I thnk I'm being very outgoing, I always seem to strike people that way. I guess it sort of has to do with me reserve - I feel awkward discussing my own feelings, and expressing myself in a very outgoing way. I'm very sensitive about... well everything. I sort of "cry on the inside" for myself and for other people. If there is one thing that will drive me crazy, it's empathy and my habit of taking everything too personally. I never want to leave a person feeling sad, or angry, or uncomfortable for any reason. Perhaps I have a sort of miniature martyr syndrome in that sense, lol, but if there if there are some uncomfrtable feelings in someone around me, I don't move on until I do what I can to help the other person "move on" or deal or cheer up. I usually do this through what I say more than what I do, but I always feeling an urge to act. I just feel confused sometimes just HOW to act on that urge.
When I'm at a party with a lot of new faces, the first thing I notice is the vibe of everyone. Loud music, and boisterous crowds scare me initially, lol, but I can get used to it if I like the music and the people seem nice. My first instinct really is to walk in and "find something"... I really have no clue a lot of the time what I'm looking for.... perhaps a comfortable, quiet place away from the loudness or I guess someone to notice/recognize me and approach me. I usually assume the role of a wallflower, but I never enjoy being alone when there is so much going on. I'm really shy, but when there is something exciting in the air, I want nothing else to be part of it all... I don't get to do that much, though. With my closest friends, I'm very comfortable speaking my mind, although I always am sensitive of the effects of what I say on the other person. And, I've found, that if I'm in a small group of other shy people, I usually take the initiative and "moderate" the discussion especially when it's on a topic I'm interested and confident in.
I've always loved writing, singing and drawing. Growing up, I drew whenever I felt angry. I sang whenever I was sad. I wrote whenever I was happy. For some reason, anger drives me to draw. Sadness drives me to sing. Happiness drives me to write. (Although, I'm sad more often than those other feelings so if there is any overlapping, I do most anything to express that sadness... singing just seems the most instinctual usually, however.) I've always wanted to be a singer of some sort. I train classicaly in voice and play piano and guitar. I entertain the idea of being a rock star, though opera seems more likely, lol. There is something about the immediacy of attachment that those two genres offer between an audience and the singer. Although, I'm a perfectionist, I rarely ever finish a project. I have stories I never finished, songs I never got to sing, drawings that I lost interest in... if there isn't an immediate emotion at hand to drive me, I get bored. And as awkward I might feel initiating a discussion, I feel I'm most eloquent when I express myself through one of those three "arts."
I've never had a steady partner... Part of it is my own fault. I've never actually pursued someone, even if I liked them. Love doesn't just "happen" like it does in the movies, does it? :~) I know I want to fall in love with "the one," and I'm confident I'll find "the one" someday... just I'm afraid that if I do, I'll be too insecure to act on my inclinations. I always for some reason have this conception that when I find "the one", I'll know exactly what to say and what to do and I won't feel the crippling fear of rejection and there won't be any "weirdness." Stupid, I know... lol.
Here are the results of my self evaluation:
http://socionics.wsphere.com/cgi-bin...451332533.html
And my Type Assistant evalutation:
http://socionics.com/sta/sta-1-r.html?6Lrs-2UtVdpo1ggiCfxVAZxt1g1VGbPlssM2he:ttn@jdQjaFl1zZvk ew2etlgytUwgO1wM}ddbjvg:070805184621
Please help me find my type. Thanks!
BohemianBolt
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Originally Posted by BohemianBolt
