How to interact / deal with an overly-flirty SEI/ISFp?

[Minde]

Asking for a friend, mostly.

A female IEE friend messaged me yesterday asking how to "safely" deal with a mutual male SEI friend of ours. Avoid him? Trust him? Battle him to the death with lightsabers? She said she was asking me because I probably knew him best and she trusts me.

Which leads me to some backstory: Three-ish years ago I befriended this SEI and on and off for about a year and a half he flirted with me and showed me special attentions. I found him easy to talk to and after awhile I started wondering if there was more than friendship. After a certain point, I decided I really needed to know because the limbo was getting painful. So I asked him, "Is there something going on between us?" and he said, "I don't know. Maybe? I really like spending time with you." He asked if it was ok if we left things open ended and foolishly I said yes. A couple of months later I decided, no, it wasn't ok, and told him as much. He said, ok, let's try out this dating thing, but after one date he said he "wasn't ready for a relationship." I felt hurt and pulled back. A couple of months later he was in a relationship with another girl (probably ESE). That hurt me a lot. Less than a year after that she broke up with him (and now is currently happily married to another mutual friend who I think is LII).

For a long time I could barely look at much less interact gracefully with SEI, and to this day there is a strain between us.

Since that point in time, I have personally encountered at least 6 different women who have confided similar experiences, though most of them have been to lesser degrees than my situation. And I know of even more women who have experienced the same.

Part of the problem is that he comes across (and believes himself to be) genuinely caring and kind to everyone.


So, how do you think should I advise this new poor young woman? Should I smack the SEI / take him by the shoulders and gently shake him? Etc.



(Also, I think it's weird that she thinks I know him the best, because for almost 2 years he and I have barely talked...)

[Exodus]

There is no point talking to him considering that you haven't been in contact with him. Simply tell her what happened to you and what you've heard. Then she can make her own decision.

[Minde]

I've done that with the past several girls. Some of them have kept on hoping and getting disappointed anyway. A couple of them have listened and pulled back, but not before some hurt.

It's frustrating to see the pattern repeat.

I wonder if there's some good "SEI speak" that I can encourage women to use with him.

[squark]

IMO and just an opinion, feel free to discard: For him, everything is in the moment, there is no past and no future. How he treats each person is based on how he is feeling at that time only, so he may in fact be genuinely caring etc. but it's temporary, it doesn't carry through and it will likely be different the next time a person interacts with him. Hoping for anything then, is always useless when dealing with anyone who is like this. Take anything they say as a temporary expression in the moment, and don't expect it to remain constant over time. In other words, you can believe him, but don't take him seriously. It may be sincerely spoken/done right now, but will be gone as soon as you are out of sight. So, nothing that can be depended on.

Imo, and ime dealing with people of a similar sort of mindset (not typed or based on seis or anything of that sort however)

[Xaiviay]

You really need to emphasize with your friend that "he is emotionally warm and generous, but he never means anything serious with it. I've seen him do this repeatedly." -which you probably already have, in one way or another. I really think this is the best way to deal with it.

"Good SEI speak" ... honestly the most effective way to push him to reconsider his behavior, is to start shutting him out. Make him feel like he's resented and unnapreciated. His behavior does provoke negativity...he's refusing to consider the impact he has on others long-term. He's going to get shunned by other people for this, eventually...it's safe to say he deserves it

Then if he ever comes crying to one of you, explain to him clearly and concretely that he is leading people on and leaving them hurt. It's ultimately his job to decide whether he'll change or not, but this has a possibility of setting him in the right direction....

[Xaiviay]

You really need to emphasize with your friend that "he is emotionally warm and generous, but he never means anything serious with it. I've seen him do this repeatedly." -which you probably already have, in one way or another. I really think this is the best way to deal with it.

"Good SEI speak" ... honestly the most effective way to push him to reconsider his behavior, is to start shutting him out. Make him feel like he's resented and unnapreciated. His behavior does provoke negativity...he's refusing to consider the impact he has on others long-term. He's going to get shunned by other people for this, eventually...it's safe to say he deserves it

Then if he ever comes crying to one of you, explain to him clearly and concretely that he is leading people on and leaving them hurt. It's ultimately his job to decide whether he'll change or not, but this has a possibility of setting him in the right direction....

Edit: this is if he's aware of the pain he leaves other people to deal with, and does it anyway.

If he's not even aware and thinks he's just being harmless...then a simple explanation "you're leading people on and leaving them hurt" might be all you need to get through to him

[Aylen]

IMO and just an opinion, feel free to discard: For him, everything is in the moment, there is no past and no future. How he treats each person is based on how he is feeling at that time only, so he may in fact be genuinely caring etc. but it's temporary, it doesn't carry through and it will likely be different the next time a person interacts with him. Hoping for anything then, is always useless when dealing with anyone who is like this. Take anything they say as a temporary expression in the moment, and don't expect it to remain constant over time. In other words, you can believe him, but don't take him seriously. It may be sincerely spoken/done right now, but will be gone as soon as you are out of sight. So, nothing that can be depended on.

Imo, and ime dealing with people of a similar sort of mindset (not typed or based on seis or anything of that sort however)

I have known this kind of person too. I came to the same conclusion above even before they actually admitted to me that they were that way. I eventually let go. I would not be comfortable telling someone my experience with them now since I wouldn't want to interfere with their personal life. Thankfully I have not been put in the position. It would be awkward for me.

[Sol]

try to take flirts of "overly flirty" ones lesser seriously as they play