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Thread: Tone of voice problem

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    Default Tone of voice problem

    Hi all! I read a lot this site, but this time I didn't find a reply to my question.

    I am a very polite person, I explain myself when I have issues and I try to take in account how the other person feels in a situation.
    But I am experiencing a great distress with an ILI my coworker.

    He is super hyper sensitive to tone of voice... even if I am polite, could be that I am stressed or tired, and my voice changes accordingly... he takes it like a personal offense. I really don't know what to do... any suggestions?

    He also says that he feels like I disproves him because of that but I really don't mean so!

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    c esi-se 6w7 spsx ashlesha's Avatar
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    I don't know about the type related aspects to this but changing the way your voice sounds in its natural state to placate someone seems pretty unreasonable to me.

    If we were on friendly enough terms I'd laugh about it and be like "this is just my voice dude..!" But if we had a pretty formal relationship I would just explain im tired or whatever and shrug off his sensitivity.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Path View Post
    Hi all! I read a lot this site, but this time I didn't find a reply to my question.

    I am a very polite person, I explain myself when I have issues and I try to take in account how the other person feels in a situation.
    But I am experiencing a great distress with an ILI my coworker.

    He is super hyper sensitive to tone of voice... even if I am polite, could be that I am stressed or tired, and my voice changes accordingly... he takes it like a personal offense. I really don't know what to do... any suggestions?

    He also says that he feels like I disproves him because of that but I really don't mean so!
    Tell him to fuck off.

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    I explained myself and he got even worst saying that it seems like we argue (when we not, I just say like you said 'this is just my voice dude..!' with a little smile (I was tired). I know is not my problem because I said that also about a girl that is a teacher... she is pushy in her way to make you do things at work, but later she is pleasant and offer you always an extra reward for your effort and good words... so is clear that she does it because is work and she needs to teach, but also in that case he perceives her like 'aggressive' (again, she is not).

    For @Adam: is not me being unconsiderate with people, but I really feel like I am walking on ice with that...

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    c esi-se 6w7 spsx ashlesha's Avatar
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    God lol maybe he really does need to be told to fuck off, in more or less words. In a work situation I'd rather not escalate things unless I have to but maybe just be like "sorry you feel that way" and then go about my business because what's he going to do about it??

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    Hot Message FDG's Avatar
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    Also have a coworker (LSI woman) who would like me to sound more controlled in my tone of voice.
    I would ignore the request, he'll get used to it.
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    Adam Strange's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Path View Post
    I explained myself and he got even worst saying that it seems like we argue (when we not, I just say like you said 'this is just my voice dude..!' with a little smile (I was tired). I know is not my problem because I said that also about a girl that is a teacher... she is pushy in her way to make you do things at work, but later she is pleasant and offer you always an extra reward for your effort and good words... so is clear that she does it because is work and she needs to teach, but also in that case he perceives her like 'aggressive' (again, she is not).

    For @Adam: is not me being unconsiderate with people, but I really feel like I am walking on ice with that...
    Frankly, this guy doesn't sound like an ILI. They might bitch at you, but they won't try to change you. This guy just sounds like a manipulative prick who has a grudge against you for some reason and is trying to intimidate you.

    If he keeps it up, hold up a pair of scissors and tell him that you will change your voice if he will change his.

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    c esi-se 6w7 spsx ashlesha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    This guy just sounds like a manipulative prick who has a grudge against you for some reason and is trying to intimidate you.
    Yes, if I feel genuinely intimidated and vulnerable the last thing im going to do is preemptively point it out and start making demands. It's very weird, sounds like a controlling person.

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    Fe lead - direct control of emotional atmosphere, more apparent in Se HA EIE than for ESE.
    Fe PoLR - direct rejection of any control of emotional atmosphere, more apparent in SLI than ILI, as SLI has more sensory, physical presence.

    Would these be the types to do the action stated in OP? Of course, factoring in some degree of neuroticism/bad-day syndrome to behave that way.

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    Ask him to be your vocal coach until your voice turns out perfect for his whiny little ass

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    I agree he doesn't sound ILI - an Fe vulnerable type is usually going to be oblivious to tone.

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    I think I am not wrong on him being ILI... I see for sure Te (he speaks about efficiency and his work is about efficiency) and Ni is evident also... for sure not an extrovert, when we speaks about New Year I said that it will be a change and he said: is not a change is a continuum that evolve (Ni).

    Even with that, he has problems with Se and Fe a lot... I dunno why. If I Se at him (and I Se a lot of times, pushing people to do things) he said that this is 'harsh', if I Fe (I am unable to Fe well, like I can't change my emotions at all if I feel bad or fake tone of voices... I need to give priority to my inner feelings and I run fast by -Fe, but I need time for that because I dunno how to do that effectively) he feel pressed, if I Ne (for example to maximize a result) he gets crazy and perceive that like being unsure... He wants just a plan and carry on with that (even if there are better alternatives sometimes, that arise while you work and help you to reach not only what you had in mind, even more -in status, money, prestige-). Fe PoLR for me is really obvious: he never, never express his feeling and he is super serious always. I think all that points toward ILI.

    For @Adam: He SAYS he doesn't want to change me, but in one moment of intimacy (discussion one-to-one) he said to me that he appreciates me because I adapt to him like he is a mold and me the water, and, doing that, I am still strong to don't loose myself... (I think he wanted to say that I am good at compromise with him and in general with people).

    Now, I think I am an ESI (not sure about that) but with all these problems that I said before, I am unsure at this point of MY type... and I don't know how to deal with him. When we speak, he perceives that always like a confilict when for me is clarifying, and when I put things on the table that I dislike in a really polite way, but also clear (see example) he feels under attack.

    Example: work well done, but a mess in the room. Is not good for the clients to enter and see that, so I said: 'You did an awesome work! Now, we should present it in an amazing way so the client is convinced to buy it even faster! Do you want to help me in arranging the room?'. He does that but he takes that like a critic in some way.

    I really have to work with him, I never had such problems in my life with no one... like I said, I am polite and try to convince others in a positive way.

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    Hot Message FDG's Avatar
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    are you a supervisor or a co-worker?
    some people would feel insulted by a coworker thinking "work well done, but mess in the room" or such things.
    I know it because i have this co-worker aswell to whom I can't say anything because I am not her boss but just a co-worker.

    Kind of hard to deal with because it's basically impossible to point out any mistake without the other person feeling insulted or worse reverting against you.

    I don't think it's type related btw
    Obsequium amicos, veritas odium parit

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    In my past graphic design classes, there were a few classmates who would constantly complain about others' work. In addition, they were sensitive to the slightest subtle statement that could be inferred as criticism.
    I would just ignore them. When the 'boss' was present, I would act cooperative and professional. Afterwards, back to ignoring. Lol

    I personally do not recommend confronting- you may get a bad rep from your colleagues or be reported to human relations.

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    I will follow your suggestions and pretend to be just like 'nothing happens'. Maybe it will be better in this way.

    Ty for your suggestions!

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