hotelambush Questionnaire
Please save your answers offline so you do not accidentally lose them!Instructions: -
Tell me about yourself // god i'm so happy that i, for unknown reasons, listened to the red message "Please save your answers offline so you do not accidentally lose them!"
I'm a 21-yo lady occasionally suffering from depression.
What do you study or do for a living? How did you come to do that? What do you like or dislike about it? I study Electronics Engineering, I chose it for a bunch of reasons:
1) there's much maths to study;
2) it looked heterogeneous enough;
3) I knew it would have been easy for me;
4) you have high chance of finding a job;
5) I needed something that let me do other things daily.
I didn't choose it because it was my dream. That's been a sort of a compromise. It was very difficult for me to choose, because that meant eliminating other options. So I thought "I could do Engineering, graduate, find a job, make money, choose another field of studies, graduate and so on forever".
What I like about it:
1) there's actually Maths;
2) I'm learning new things;
3) programming languages;
4) it'easy (for me, but I see it's difficult, which makes it appealing).
What I dislike:
1) I'm mostly learning how things work but not why;
2) procedure over deep knowledge;
3) it's too easy (which makes me distractable and bored).
But since it's giving me more knowledge and skills, it's ok.
What are your values, and why? Difficult one, because I don't really think in those terms. When I was a child I just accepted the Christian values but that used to give me problems because I had to learn what's right by heart and I didn't understand the why's, plus some things sounded stupid. I became atheist, then agnostic, now I have my own methapysics so I'd say "I believe in something" and that's got nothing to do with values. I learned from experience how to behave with others, god if I had no friends to explain me something was hurtful or wrong (many times, I couldn't even understand it easily) I would be a moron! I don't know if I have many values, honestly. I must have, but maybe they are situational. I just don't care having a list of values, what's that for? Does that REALLY guide me? No. I don't need to follow belief systems - be it external, be it mine.
What else do you do on a daily basis? What are your interests and hobbies? Why do you do them? I'd say "nothing"; as my therapist pointed out, I actually do many things. When I'm at my healthiest I do so many things that I myselft wonder how that's possible.
1) I read A LOT (not narrative books, they're boring) and most of the day, even when I'm on public transports, even when I'm with intimate friends (who won't be bothered by it, knowing me);
2) Watch movies/tv series;
3) Play videogames;
4) Draw/Paint;
5) Think and write.
Why I do them:
1,5: I need to, otherwise I'll start feeling dead / I'll be lost in my head. lol that's a rhyme.
2,3: That's entertaining, although I don't really do those just to relax.
> When I watch movies and series I'm not just enjoying it (as my friends do), I'm also checking that they did a good job (nice dialogues, character development, scenography, ...). I don't struggle to do that, it's natural, and I'm often the only one who notices directing errors (e.g. two minutes ago there was something on the table, now there's no more).
> The reason I play videogames is slightly difference and it depends on the genre. There are investigative games (you need to think and solve puzzles, that's awesome!), Hack and Slash and Action RPG (they're liberating, good to relax), graphic adventure (that's passive relax, but feeds your creativity). lol I really said "passive relax".
4: It's... It feels good to see that I have the skills. It's interesting to see how blank sheets become paintings, and knowing that I did the all of it.
Once, when I was healthier, I used to do web graphics too, I definitely appreciate working with graphics and I found it out when I was 10.
There must be something missing, but that's ok I think?
Interests: maths, physics, psychology, biology, neurology, riddles, programming, graphics, insects and arachnids.
What do you look for in friends? In romantic relationships? I look for a good friend and for a good partner?
They must accept me as I am, they can't force me to be more affectionate or feminine.
I don't want to feel that I have to be sweet (it may happen because I see that the other needs it and won't understand that the lack of sweetness doesn't mean "I don't care about you"), that's awful.
They can't be suffocating - I need alone time - and I don't want to be constantly censoring myself to not hurt their feelings or smash their psyche just because they're too sensitive. I can do it for a reasonable amount of time, but that's drainign.
I'm not "looking for"a romantic partner, first of all. I only fell in love twice, the remaining experiences were just crushes and I knew from the beginning that I would have got bored (my interior monologue: enjoy it as long as it lasts, you know your feelings always fade after a while). That's to say: I'm not sure about it.
I want a honest, available partner. Well, I usually feel like I'm the male, I guess that fits my tendency to fall for feeling types. I just want someone I can trust, talk to without filters, not clingy, altruistic enough and not annoyingly self-centered. If he likes puns and is funny, that's a huge bonus.
What conflicts have you encountered recently with other people? Why did they happen? Which kinds seem to happen on a regular basis? I disappear from the scenes, often, and that's bothersome to others because they feel like I don't care about them. I don't have a good perception of time, it may have been three months since the last message?, it will feel to me like it was a week ago.
I dislike it when people talk about their feelings and look stupid, make stupid decisions and reasonings because it's all about their feelings. Ok, that's your feeling, "clap!", this is reality though. Look at the facts. Look at the mess you created.
Related to this, I clash with people who are dogmatic about their principles and they think those principles are universal, so it's B/W: you either follow them or you're bad.
I am "secretive" and people say that they feel somewhat left out. I don't speak my feelings and I don't see why should I, are they relevant? No. I'd feel like a pussy, what's the point - unless we're making a connection?
I am hasty, I think? People look so slow to me. They say I may be stressful because I pressure them and tell them how to do one thing. I try to get done as many tasks as possible in a single, fast sequence of actions, and the way others do tasks to me looks irrational. That is, time-wasting, illogical, irrational, unconvenient.
There is a friend who is talking to me about unimportant things but wants to be considered; there's also a book with difficult maths exercises and I want to challenge myself: what's more appealing to me?
"That way you'll become a bad person, you don't consider people, I was talking to you, you're doing maths exercises instead?"
"But wait, that's not because I want to anticipate homework, I just saw this and wondered if I could do it, you know I like maths"
*Display of disgust*
I don't care about trivial things. I don't care what Ariana Grande did before going to the toilet. You want to talk to me? Talk about something for real.
How would your friends describe you? Messy, moody, cold, indecisive, rushed, intellectual, creative, socially weird, generally weird, animated, hyperactive, superficial, punny, troll, random, opinionated, head-in-the-clouds.
What are your weaknesses? What criticism do you often face from others? What do you dislike about yourself? Once I get to feel, I become a stupid manipulable shit.
I hate doing the housework and cooking.
I don't like socializing for the sake of it.
I procrastinate and improvise, so I often forget things.
I don't care others' opinions if they (the opinions) are not reasonable.
I'm rushed.
I'm messy.
I can be dismissive.
I need to prove myself.
I dislike being a weirdo, indecisive, random. Other things I dislike are depression-related.
In what areas of life can you manage well on your own? In what areas of your life would you like help? I'd like to be helped at tracking time, being reminded of appointments and such (I may fill infinite notes, sooner or later I'll forget some), cooking, doing the laundry, going shopping (it's boring to do it alone). Ok, basically I'm a baby.
Don't know how to answer to the first question.
What things do you find to be a chore? What things do you enjoy more than others? Anything related to the real world is chore.
I enjoy studying, theorizing, trying to derive formulas I haven't studied yet on my own, investigating. These things excite me.
What goals, aspirations, or plans do you have for the future? How did you come to have them? I need a job that grants me a lot of money so I can collect graduations. I want to study forever and as many things as possible, just to know that I know. Any future that won't allow me to study - not necessarily to graduate - will be a death sentence.
That's my life, it's an innate aspiration.
If you had enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life without working, what would you do with your time? See above.
Plus: go to superexpensive restaurants, travel all around the world, acquire new skills, have many houses designed by myself, invest in my creations, buy expensive clothes or design them myself so I can arrange weird but cool and original outfits, buy a Sphynx cat, create room in my house for snakes and bugs that need favorable environments (I've always wanted to pet a snake...). IDK this questionnaire is too long, let's print a full stop.
What traits do you find endearing that others might dislike? What traits are considered positive/neutral by others but tend to annoy you? 1) people who start talking and, while getting emarassed, they go rambling and say nonsense shit that sounds funny while trying to conceal their emotions and they just can't shut up so that everything becomes more hilarious;
2) things related to these: utopian idealistic inane workaholic fashionable worrier
What kinds of things do you do to manage and/or beautify your environment (your room, your house, etc.)? What do you think of daily chores? Nothing. I just clean and tide up my room because that's got to be habitable and usable.
Hate them, feels like time-wasting; I have to do it, though, because I live alone.
How do you behave around strangers? Normal. I'm comfortable around strangers, unless I notice something suspicious. If they talk to me, we can have a good conversation (when I'm in a good mood and not in a hurry). I look myself around so I know what to avoid.
How do you react to conflict? What do you do if somebody insults or attacks you? 1) I do not want to lose my temper because I hate not having self-control. I become categorical, say one thing one last time, then the topic is closed and I walk away.
2) Death stare, ignore him, make him feel inferior by not reacting to his words or answering in a funny manner making people laugh - while dying inside if it's from someone I care.
What is one common misconception that people have? Explain why it is wrong. People often confuse explanations with justifications. The first is meant to underline the causes and how they're linked to the effects, the second is making up excuses for what happened. Explaining things, identifying the roots of a problem is essential in order to understand what to do; justifying is of no use.
One common misconception is that scientific equals true, while scientific is just what adheres to the principles of science. Science is functional, not the ultimate truth. That misconception opens the door to lots of misinterpretations and wrong reasonings.
Intelligence is not IQ, it's the ability to coordinate one's cognitive skills in a functional way. So, there can be different kinds of intelligence, and one can be intelligent without excelling at one in particular.
Oops. I just re-read the question, it says "one" common misconception. Sorry.
What did you do last Friday? Really??? Who knows? I don't even remember if I spent it alone or not…
Please save your answers offline so you do not accidentally lose them!Part 2 -
What is your biggest accomplishment? I got to knew the German grammar you study in 3 years of high school, in just three days of learning. I was perfect at listening and knew lots of terms. I studied it anytime I was doing nothing and also while taking lessons at university (yeah, I can do multitasking that much), from books with theory&exercises, Internet and apps.
What is something you regret? I regret that I didn't ask for help when I needed to. Not only I made things more difficult than they could have been for the simple reason that I want to get by anything on my own, I also hurt friends that way because, they say, "what are friends for?".
I never ask for help till it's late, and it doesn't affect me only.
Who do you admire, and why? I admire my best friend. She's a badass, the strongest person I've ever met. If you try to tear her down she becomes stronger. She's dutiful and nothing will stop her from getting her shit done. She's full of responsibilities and she manages to do it well. She's not a crybaby, not whiny, she's rational and cold but she has a heart and she's principled. Many were against her in elementary, secondary and high school, because she was different, she didn't care about having a social life or others' approval. You couldn't scare her, threaten her. She's strong-willed and her sense of justice is strong. Her sense of humor is weird, not really funny to me, but SHE is funny when she interacts with others with her pokerface. We don't share interests but I like listening to her because she's critical, objective, a little obsessed with the "it already happened, things don't change, people don't change" thing but she's really cool.
What's been on your mind? Has anything been worrying or concerning you? What problems have you encountered lately? My problems are all about depression, especially physical symptoms. If I didn't suffer from it, I would have no worries.
What are your religious or spiritual beliefs and why do you hold them? We don't exist, we're just bits of data.
I don't take any system of beliefs seriously.
What are your political beliefs, and why? To what extent do you care about politics? Shame on me, idc about politics. I may see points for any political belief. But then again, "belief"? Really, that's not good, but I can't understand politics. I would get lost in pointless reasonings.
Would you ever be interested in starting a business? Why or why not? What role would you play in it? What kind of business would it be? Yes, no? I mean, starting a business sounds fun, but being a manager sounds stressful.
Oh, good, I should stop answering before reading all the questions. Hmmm I would be the one who gives ideas and sometimes rearranges things, gives structure. I'd let others take care of the business itself, I'm not interested in taking responsibilities.
What kind of work environment do you prefer? What do you look for in a job? Dynamic but not stressful environment, with coworkers I'm not forced to socialize with. The job should be non-monotonous, a little challenging, group works should not be frequent. Please, don't make me have to talk with customers, unless they're patients.
What is or was your favorite school subject and why? > Elementary school:
- Maths: I always loved it. I see maths everywhere.
- Italian Grammar: I found it fascinating.
- English: I liked the challenge of learning a new language, I could approach it more intuitively than Italian because I didn't hear people speaking English on a daily basis so I had no basis.
> Middle school:
- Algebra: Finally letters, hooray! I had been waiting for it since I was 8.
- Geometry: Coordinate systems? That's amazing! So intuitive, almost obvious.
- Latin: Translating sentences in different manners, challenging myself at translating without using the dictionary, just intuitively. That. Sounds. So. Good. Also, once you start study Latin you see words differently, you see their etymology, you understand the difference in shades. It changed my life.
- Technology: Super-cool, although not really my field. The maths behind geometric shapes was my thing, though.
- Music: A new language to learn and to play. I had a great time. Challenging, satisfying, entertaining - not only playing instruments, also reading scores and learning the theory. The history of music was hella boring, instead.
- Physical education: In middle school we didn't study P.E., just did practice. I learned many things and I really enjoyed it.
- French: A new language, nuff said.
- Arts: Arts history is boring af, but the practice part was great. I found out I'm reaaally good at drawing and painting.
> High School:
- Maths: --
- Physics: Starts making sense by using mathematical instruments and deriving formulas, which is fun to play with.
- Latin: --
- English: --
- Chemistry/Biology: Oh, god, yes. It was like learning a new language o.O Indeed, maths is a language too. BTW I loved learning about the different theories and their implications in chemistry, I love approaching something from different pov's. Biology is appealing but can't explain why. Maybe it's just the satisfaction derived by knowledge? idk, actually I found it was stimulating to my creativity.
- Philosophy: That. That was my moment. That was my subject. I never studied philosophy at home, it was too easy.
- Literature: The revelation! I had never liked literature before, what changed? Analysis. Finding metaphors, finding the hidden meaning, all connected to the artist's background and to the cultural trends. It gave me much fun.
- P.E.: Same as in middle school + theory (very interesting) and first-aid lessons.
University:
- Maths: --
- Physics: OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW SO MUCH MATHS
- Programming in C: Well, you know... New language. Superior to verbal language, imho - makes more sense, you can see it - but still inferior to maths.
- Computer science: Learning about data structures was like taking a free trip.
- Electrotechnics: loool so funny, what a shame we don't study it like Physicists do (we focus on procedures).
Sorry I couldn't choose one.
Or maybe I can.
Mathematics.
I like so many things qwq
How do you approach responsibility? What do you tend to expect of others? If I need to, I become responsible and reliable. I prefer not to, so whenever I can I reject responsibilities.
I'm not sure what's the second question. It depends on the situation, on the person....
Where did you go on your most recent vacation? What did you do there? How did you like it and why? I went to Milan for visiting a friend. We went to amusement parks bc during that period I was all "yeah adrenaline!" - I had recently gone on rollercoasters for the first time and found it exciting, it became like a drug for a while. °<° So I persuaded my friend (who's a coward) to give it a try and ahahah she cried all along, I had to take the most extreme rides alone.
We also tried new food - spanish, lebanese - and drinks.
What were you like as a kid? How have you changed since you were a child? Silent, observant, sly, manipulative, perceptive usually.
When there were no adults around: chatterbox, bossy, charming, troll, jokester.
Back then I didn't understand social dynamics, I was just spontaneous. Growing up, others started to see me as a weirdo ;_; So I had to study and analyze people because their categories were nonsense? Btw in the end I've lost interest in social life. I've become more serious, more tactful and empathetic (ok, not always... but generally), less superficial and less head-in-the-clouds.
What was your high school experience like? High school was great from an educational point of view. Very interesting subjects and perspectives.
Classmates were stupid, immature, infantile, irrational and boring ._. I got bored forever in 2,5 years. They loved me at first, then I started becoming even more weird to their eyes while they looked more nonsense to mine. What, can you even imagine??? They set-up dramas like in old tv-series for single old women and made preachy speeches or organized things à la SJW! The ladies hated each other but pretended to be friends and stabbed their backs each other, the guys felt threatened by the other's handsomeness... And I just loved and wanted to study, so what? They tried to force me (and my bestfriend and the few others who wanted to study) to not deliver our homework and trick our teachers into believing there was no homework to do. The most stupid, inappropriately competitive, pretentious, intellectually-lazy classmates one could have. Ok, that's not true, they were not fundamentally stupid, they were stupid because they were childish.
Talk about a significant event from your life. ... It's going to end soon.
I don't know what to talk about.
I've always wondered "how would I react in front of Death?". You know, you see those movies where one knows he's going to be executed and he hides in his mind to find peace before dying? One day I and my family were about to die (car was about to fall off a cliff). First I felt terror, it lasted fractions of a second. Then absolute inner calm, like if everything was still, and I just thought "at least I'm with my family, I'm sorry I can't say goodbye to my boyfriend". My whole life I've been dreaming about our car falling off, even before that event, so I wondered "Is it going to be like in my dream?". "Is this the end?".
Ok, it was not significant, it was just interesting.
A significant event, maybe, was my collection of neurological symptoms that made my doctors worry. I thought I had cancer or something, so "I'm going to die" and that was a different type of awareness compared to the previous one. I had the time to process it, think about it, I could imagine my whole life before getting really sick. The reaction was "I have to live my life at the fullest now that I can".
... I thought about quitting high school and taking university lessons for free ._. I mean wtf I bet a normal person would think about something different lol what's wrong with me??
Aaand that was significant because it was another but more prominent proof that I do not want to die (reminder: I suffer from depression).
Do you like kids? Why or why not? Mmmh yes, but in the future (????).
Ok, I like kids because they see and process things so differently, that makes me very curious and interacting with them may be interesting.
But it doesn't last long. They also have maaany stupid ideas and I should worry about them doing stupid things while I still have crazy ideas like "let's go downstairs by rolling down the stairs"? No0ope.
p.s. sorry for any mistakes, i'm not gonna re-read it again
hotelambush Questionnaire (raezekt)
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