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Thread: Relations of Extinguishment (Contrary)

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    Aramas's Avatar
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    Default Relations of Extinguishment (Contrary)

    This forum has a lot of discussion of duality, conflict, and supervision. I've noticed a lack of discussion of other relations though, and I thought I'd remedy that with some talk about relations of extinguishment. So I figured I'd ask about your experiences with this relationship and discuss my own. What do you think extinguishment relations are like? What's your theory and experience?

    At first, I often find extinguishment partners to be rather attractive but also frustrating. It seems like we both come up with physical activities to do, but they are activities in different places with different people (or absence thereof). Neither partner really gives in to the other on what they want to do, because they are both pushing back against the strong functions of the other. Eventually they become critical, bitter relations where both partners think the worst of each other. The most significant phenomenon, though, is feeling like all your efforts are indeed being snuffed out, as if someone put out a candle or something. When you try to create a goal and work towards accomplishing it, your extinguishment partner will tell you that you're doing it wrong or that it isn't worth doing. After a while together, both partners feel as if their lights have gone out, as if any kind of inspiration or hope for whatever things they wanted to accomplish is disappeared. The relations eventually become dead, still drudgery with lots of backbiting and sabotage in the end as both partners begin to resent each other for what they see as purposeful destruction of their desires.

    I think the canonical descriptions for the most part underestimate (or perhaps just understate) the potential negativity that can overtake this relationship, especially when both partners are shoved into close quarters with each other without the experience of duality to buffer them and protect them. The only sentence I found on the descriptions on wikisocion that seemed to mirror my own experience with the relation stated that it was one of the most difficult relationships for marriage. And that was all, really.
    Last edited by Aramas; 06-14-2018 at 01:45 AM.
    "There is no becoming, no revolution, no struggle, no path; already you're the monarch of your own skin--your inviolable freedom waits to be completed only by the love of other monarchs: a politics of dream, urgent as the blueness of sky." --HB

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    My experiences haven't been so dramatic, I guess we've mainly steered clear of each other in one way or another, often male extinguishers just steer clear of me I've noticed even though I might be keen to find common ground. Sometimes I got the sense they were jealous of me getting along with their duals. Sometimes I find them attractive as characters on tv.

    I'm interested in this relation as it was mine and my father's and I guess the best parent relationship I had, although it was very distant, you could say. He was e 9. I felt very unsupported by him in every way, he just let me do my own thing. He only interacted with me or guided me in group situations ie with the whole family together or as a youth group leader, then he seemed to enjoy my presence and those are the moments I treasure. He was so conflict-avoidant that nothing ever blew up though it did with me and everyone else, which meant we had a meaningful bond in my eyes but it was very distant. I read to him in his last moths in hospital and he appreciated it, I hated what I was reading and frequently made comments on my opinion, which I regret now but he tolerated it all with grace. When he died my connection to my family ended.

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