Enneagram 3s and 6s: Why Don't They Get Along?

[Spermatozoa]

Where these two types meet they seem destined to come into conflict, and badly. I find that interesting as Enneagram theory would suggest that you move towards the type you integrate into (3 goes to 6). However, this has never been the case in my experience. The fundamental dynamic between the two types seems to move a bit like this:

Conflict begins when the 3 says or does something which the 6 happens to observe, feels concerned about and/or violated by in some way. The 6s paranoid tendencies lead them to confront the 3 and get personal in a way which surprises and annoys the latter. The 3 will dismiss the 6 as irrational, obnoxious and hypocritical. At this point, the 6 will then play the victim, claim they are being persecuted and encourage others to pile on and shame the 3 into social conformity. From the 6s perspective, the 3 has transgressed one of their boundaries and they are only trying to prevent further harm. However, 3s are very unlikely to accept this as a legitimate reason to belittle and embarrass somebody else.

I have observed this recurring pattern both online and offline. Discuss.

[FDG]

Why do you still think you're a 3?

[silke]

I have observed this recurring pattern both online and offline. Discuss.

I have observed the same relational pattern between 3s and 6s.

It seems like there are certain simple mathematical relationships that govern relations between enneagram types, though nobody has ever explained why this would be the case. In particular, a relationship that is similar to socionics "conflict/superego" seems to happen between types that add to 9. This is the case for 3s & 6s. Other combinations of types that fall into this pattern are 1 & 8 (there are plenty of stories on enneagram discussion boards that people of these types find it difficult to deal with one another); 2 & 7 is a lesser known 'conflict' pair but 7s reely reely dislike it when somebody starts caring for them, as they feel this is an infringement on their freedom, and as soon as the 2 does that what follows is a mini-explosion from the 7 that leaves the 2 rather offended since the 2 meant only good in their eyes; 4 & 5, which is a little self-explanatory in that the 5 is completely inert to the primary way that the 4 express themselves, that is, though emotion that doesn't leave 5 any impressed, while the 4 resents the 5 for being so insensitive towards their suffering and not willing to save them and at some point works up a storm.

In case of 3 and 6 the conflict is aggravated by the 6 being on the integration line of the 3. Thus, instead of keeping a respectful distance like it happens in other pairs, the 3 is compelled towards the 6 and engages in many attempts to impress them. This eventually annoys the 6 who starts distancing and snapping at the 3, while 3's self-esteem begins to deflate and in worst case scenario the 3 begins to overcompensate which further sets off the alarm bells of the 6 and now the psychological distance between them is the equivalent of the Grand Canyon. Somewhat simpler situation is when the 3 is a guy who attempts to pursue a girl of type 6. Eventually he gets a clue that he wasn't successful and switches his attention to something else. In some other relational setups, such as two male co-workers, this can turn into an all out open rivalry. In a way the 6s are not only conflicting but also a supervisor-like type for the 3 in that they are able to spot if the 3 has been lying better than some other types (which doesn't play out nicely for the 3 if they haven't been completely truthful and find themselves faced with a 6 in court).

[Adam Strange]

I have observed the same relational pattern between 3s and 6s.

It seems like there are certain simple mathematical relationships that govern relations between enneagram types, though nobody has ever explained why this would be the case. In particular, a relationship that is similar to socionics "conflict/superego" seems to happen between types that add to 9. This is the case for 3s & 6s. Other combinations of types that fall into this pattern are 1 & 8 (there are plenty of stories on enneagram discussion boards that people of these types find it difficult to deal with one another); 2 & 7 is a lesser known 'conflict' pair but 7s reely reely dislike it when somebody starts caring for them, as they feel this is an infringement on their freedom, and as soon as the 2 does that what follows is a mini-explosion from the 7 that leaves the 2 rather offended since the 2 meant only good in their eyes; 4 & 5, which is a little self-explanatory in that the 5 is completely inert to the primary way that the 4 express themselves, that is, though emotion that doesn't leave 5 any impressed, while the 4 resents the 5 for being so insensitive towards their suffering and not willing to save them and at some point works up a storm.

In case of 3 and 6 the conflict is aggravated by the 6 being on the integration line of the 3. Thus, instead of keeping a respectful distance like it happens in other pairs, the 3 is compelled towards the 6 and engages in many attempts to impress them. This eventually annoys the 6 who starts distancing and snapping at the 3, while 3's self-esteem begins to deflate and in worst case scenario the 3 begins to overcompensate which further sets off the alarm bells of the 6 and now the psychological distance between them is the equivalent of the Grand Canyon. Somewhat simpler situation is when the 3 is a guy who attempts to pursue a girl of type 6. Eventually he gets a clue that he wasn't successful and switches his attention to something else. In some other relational setups, such as two male co-workers, this can turn into an all out open rivalry. In a way the 6s are not only conflicting but also a supervisor-like type for the 3 in that they are able to spot if the 3 has been lying better than some other types (which doesn't play out nicely for the 3 if they haven't been completely truthful and find themselves faced with a 6 in court).

So enneagram type 9’s conflict with themselves?

[silke]

So enneagram type 9’s conflict with themselves?

9s don't conflict, that's impossibru , but their wings, the 8-wing of 9w8 and 1-wing of 9w1, have very different ways of behaving and expressing themselves resembling the friction between 1s and 8s. Since this is up to their wings and since they are both 9s the conflict here is usually not as sharp at it can be for other types.

[Adam Strange]

^ I thought they beat themselves into submission.

[Samson]

So enneagram type 9’s conflict with themselves?

^ I thought they beat themselves into submission.

In line with what @silke is saying about the 1 - 8 conflict, type 9 can be seen as an archetypal and inevitable result of two over-certain gut types clashing into one another. Two forces that great make for an implosion of the total mass, indeed it becomes an energy that "beats itself into submission" - which is beautifully said.

The type 9 feels the inner tug-of-war between 1 and 8: to be "right" and contract oneself or to be "wrong" and expand oneself? The result is a dense mass that won't budge either way.

[Bertrand]

I don't think that's how it works, rather 1 is the dialectic fusion of 8 swinging too far into 9, and 1 is the corrected result

of course enneagram is enneagram so who knows, but I believe that's the theory

[Samson]

I don't think that's how it works, rather 1 is the dialectic fusion of 8 swinging too far into 9, and 1 is the corrected result

of course enneagram is enneagram so who knows, but I believe that's the theory

Yes, and that is another perspective of that phenomenon. There isn't one way such a theory works or doesn't work. It is not just a linear movement, the Enneagram, it ALSO moves in both waves and particles, if you excuse me borrowing from an overused example of quantum physics.

Working it linearly, 1 is indeed "the system" (that is nature) self-correcting from the expansion (8) that exhausts itself (9). The 1 restarts the engines because more work needs to be done, corrections must be made. The Matrix can never truly end: a new cycle beings.

But seeing that every point in the universe is its center point, meaning that it is all relative, so too is it for the Enneagram, and from the 9's point of view, it is rather "stuck" between such brutally opposite notions of body-expression. Compromise has to be made.

[Pallas]

You're 9

[Olimpia]

Based on my observations, phobic 6s and 3s can get along rather well actually.* Many female 3s end up with male phobic 6s. (Male 3s tend to prefer 9s.) But counterphobic 6s typically find 3s too "phony" and superficial, and are rather turned off by that. Counterphobic 6s are more dominant and unrefined (similar to 8s), which 3s tend to have an issue with, for they tend to care more about their public image, which would be tainted by a CP 6's attitude. So yeah, CP 6s and 3s can clash, but I haven't seen the same dissonance with phobic 6s and 3s.

*Phobic 6s tend to be similar to 9s in certain ways, so that could explain why they get along with 3s better. They tend to be more compliant and more accepting.

[Samson]

You're 9

No you are

[Pallas]

No you are

I was calling Cuivienen 9, but you can be 9 too

[Samson]

I was calling Cuivienen 9, but you can be 9 too

In the name of false equality everyone should have the opportunity to be a 9. The 9 shall inherit the world, or something like that.

For now I will keep on pseudo-9-ing with the occasional post on the universal qualities of the E. Fake it till I make it.

[Pallas]

In the name of false equality everyone should have the opportunity to be a 9. The 9 shall inherit the world, or something like that.

For now I will keep on pseudo-9-ing with the occasional post on the universal qualities of the E. Fake it till I make it.

9 is the world. 9 is the children. 9 is still in the womb, which I think belongs to 2 or something and ruins all our diabolical tritones. Cuivienen can be type 2. I don't even know anymore, except Nebula is type 5 (which is definitely the worst type like manjac said) and a Buddhist and you don't exist. OK.

[Spermatozoa]

9 is the world. 9 is the children. 9 is still in the womb, which I think belongs to 2 or something and ruins all our diabolical tritones. Cuivienen can be type 2. I don't even know anymore, except Nebula is type 5 (which is definitely the worst type like manjac said) and a Buddhist and you don't exist. OK.

Let the battle typing commence.

[Chae]

They only don't get along when caught in their respective type illusions.