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    Quote Originally Posted by squark View Post
    That's interesting - as I'd associate that with neuroticism instead.
    They also say they've found correlations between Neuroticism and Conscientiousness. Considering it's all based on how they slice things up, I'd say that's kind of expected and they're going to find some of that no matter how they slice things up. They say "well, this is the natural way traits are divided, because it's based on language" but that's just begging the question, since people adapt language to mean whatever they need to mean in the first place and it's not "natural" at all. I could even choose questions where Openness, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism all positively correlate. This is also a lot of why I don't really even pay attention to typology including socionics and enneagram. People and things > abstractions that are supposed to be people and things but can't ever replace them because they're abstractions

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    http://www.bbc.com/news/health-41847030

    "Scientists could have the secret. They have identified a chemical in the brain's "memory" region that allows us to suppress unwanted thoughts.

    The discovery may help explain why some people can't shift persistent intrusive thoughts - a common symptom of anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression and schizophrenia."

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    Suppressed Semantic Information Accelerates Analytic Problem Solving

    Interesting idea here:
    Prior work suggests that unconscious thinking can improve complex, but not simple, decisions (see also Dijksterhuis, Bos,Nordgren, & van Baaren, 2006). CFS may be a useful tool for sidestepping the potential pitfalls of analytic thinking—namely, getting initially fixated on the wrong thought or idea while problem solving or making complex decisions. We believe that in the present study, CFS allowed unconscious processing, which discouraged incorrect fixation. Because of this initial unconscious processing, the subsequent conscious processing proceeded more smoothly, but still in an analytic fashion.

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    Well guys, I think you are all special.

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    Quote Originally Posted by reverie View Post
    lol. I do too, everyone in their own way. I didn't really like the title. But this article deals with Pseudo-exceptionalism, which I think is an interesting topic.
    For that I agree.

    My own take upon myself, and I have said it to others, is that 'I am nothing'.

    It's sort of like the anti-exceptionalism. When I accept myself at the bottom, with humility and listening and work, I can do better, than expecting myself to be given and have resentment.

    There is a lot of get-things-quickly in the world in my own opinion, and a lot of of things we can have which negates what really matters, but, it's the world we live in and we do what we can, no ones got it perfect, or have it all together, mostly we just survive.

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    Default Revisiting the Stanford Prison Experiment


  8. #48
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    Leo Kanner's article:
    http://www.neurodiversity.com/library_kanner_1943.pdf
    About autism
    In August, 1937, Donald was placed in a tuberculosis preventorium in order
    to provide for him "a change of environment." While there, he had a "disinclina-
    tion to play with children and do things children his age usually take an interest
    in." He gained weight but developed the habit of shaking his head from side
    to side. He continued spinning objects and jumped up and down in eotasy as he
    watched them spin. He displayed an abstraction of mind which made him perfectly
    oblivious to everything about him.
    He appears to be always thinking and thinking,
    and to get his attention almost requires one to break down a mental barrier between
    his inner consciousness and the outside world.



    The father, whom Donald resembles physically, is a successful, meticulous,
    hard-working lawyer who has had two "breakdowns" under strain of work.
    He always took every ailment seriously, taking to his bed and following doctors
    orders punctiliously even for the slightest cold. "When he walks down the street,
    he is so absorbed in thinking that he sees nothing and nobody and cannot remember
    anything about the walk.” The mother,a college graduate, isa calm,capable woman,
    to whom her husband feels vastly superior.


    Donald's father sounds like LII.
    Last edited by Troll Nr 007; 03-15-2018 at 06:26 PM.
    extrospection > introspection

    Head type as in being truly head type and probably 7>5. Too divergent, scattered and expressive for typical 5 and that is the preferred way although long term focus usually helps.


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    http://nautil.us/issue/58/self/why-d...-be-filmmakers

    Both science and art are creativity and imagination and execution, Johnson says. You come up with new ideas and you test those ideas and you execute them. So I find that the creative people of the world come in many flavors. People always talk about science and art as being very different things, and I find them to be very similar things. [...] Socrates (in Platos Republic) wanted to boot the poets and storytellers from the city because they dared to boast that wicked men could be happy. That was no way to mold the moral virtues of a serious republic. Yet the Renaissance turned Socrates on his head. It showed artists sculpting the foundations of society. And science ran in artists blood.
    The more you're into it the more T/F dychotomy seems like a prejudice against women, or just a pass social construct

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    This site contains a lot of articles written by this guy:





    ...talking about the effects of porn in brain, relationships and porn inducing erectile dysfunctions. Very interesting.

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    "The people who scored high on self-reflection were more stressed, depressed and anxious, less satisfied with their jobs and relationships, more self-absorbed, and they felt less in control of their lives. Whats more, these negative consequences seemed to increase the more they reflected."

    This is 1) a great example of what "too much Ni" looks like and 2) a great example of the ethics of socionics. If you do an IM element (reflection/Ni) for its own sake for too long you will end up neglecting its opposites (Se, Si) and feel unfulfilled.

    But I wouldn't phrase it as a what vs. why distinction like they do, really the point is here: "Asking why appeared to cause the participants to fixate on their problems and place blame instead of moving forward in a healthy and productive way."

    This need to move forward is what Ni looks when paired with Se; Ni on its own can't "do", it can only think and reflect. Se needs to move, but it doesn't have a sense of which way is forward. Only when you use the two together can you have a whole life. It may be that "what" questions are generally more concrete and easier to give useful answers to.
    The higher, the fewer

    Articles - Questionnaire - Typology Network - Blog

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    Nature Human Behaviourvolume 1, pages 890–895 (2017): Regional ambient temperature is associated with human personality

    Human personality traits differ across geographical regions1,2,3,4,5. However, it remains unclear what generates these geographical personality differences. Because humans constantly experience and react to ambient temperature, we propose that temperature is a crucial environmental factor that is associated with individuals’ habitual behavioural patterns and, therefore, with fundamental dimensions of personality. To test the relationship between ambient temperature and personality, we conducted two large-scale studies in two geographically large yet culturally distinct countries: China and the United States. Using data from 59 Chinese cities (N = 5,587), multilevel analyses and machine learning analyses revealed that compared with individuals who grew up in regions with less clement temperatures, individuals who grew up in regions with more clement temperatures (that is, closer to 22 C) scored higher on personality factors related to socialization and stability (agreeableness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability) and personal growth and plasticity (extraversion and openness to experience). These relationships between temperature clemency and personality factors were replicated in a larger dataset of 12,499 ZIP-code level locations (the lowest geographical level feasible) in the United States (N = 1,660,638). Taken together, our findings provide a perspective on how and why personalities vary across geographical regions beyond past theories (subsistence style theory, selective migration theory and pathogen prevalence theory). As climate change continues across the world, we may also observe concomitant changes in human personality.
    (pdf link)

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    Predicting Personality from Book Preferences with User-Generated Content Labels

    Psychological studies have shown that personality traits are associated with book preferences. However, past findings are based on questionnaires focusing on conventional book genres and are unrepresentative of niche content. For a more comprehensive measure of book content, this study harnesses a massive archive of content labels, also known as 'tags', created by users of an online book catalogue, Goodreads.com. Combined with data on preferences and personality scores collected from Facebook users, the tag labels achieve high accuracy in personality prediction by psychological standards. We also group tags into broader genres, to check their validity against past findings. Our results are robust across both tag and genre levels of analyses, and consistent with existing literature. Moreover, user-generated tag labels reveal unexpected insights, such as cultural differences, book reading behaviors, and other non-content factors affecting preferences. To our knowledge, this is currently the largest study that explores the relationship between personality and book content preferences.








    (pdf link)
    Last edited by Subteigh; 04-15-2018 at 12:19 AM.

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    I think that's called culture, but last time I said that someone told me to be careful saying that or I'll get killed for implying there's a such thing as national character. I don't even know why I would get killed for that because that's still not racist (I mean, if you're around a bunch of people who act a certain way and promote acting a certain way, aren't you likely to pick it up? so statistically culture should relate to personality, even if there are exceptions too) but the word "national" is now always followed by "socialist" or something.

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    @Pallas Athena
    The study argues that temperature is correlated with certain personality traits in a region's population independently of national culture etc. (e.g. they noticed a distinct trend between localities in both China and the United States).

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    http://sino-platonic.org/complete/spp196_alphabet.pdf

    https://www.academia.edu/8459993/Rev...alendar_Signs_

    2 articles about how the alphabet was invented thanks to zodiacal astral pictograms~

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    https://hub.jhu.edu/2018/04/20/audie...s-performance/

    This is interesting and not too surprising to me. It's a well known fact that it's actually *harder* to think about math in front of an audience, most likely because it stimulates Fe/Se and suppresses Ti/Ni.
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    Quote Originally Posted by thehotelambush View Post
    It's a well known fact that it's actually *harder* to think about math in front of an audience, most likely because it stimulates Fe/Se and suppresses Ti/Ni.
    More like because you can't do math while performing other activities, as it takes up all your attention (you can't do math while you're walking, you'd have to stop and think. Try to calculate 38 x 42 and you'd pause and think).

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    Big 5 trait of agreeableness is highly correlated with career success in Japan, but negatively correlated with career success in the US:

    https://www.sciencedirect.com/scienc...89158318300054

    Or: How do we even know what is agreeable or not, as it would depend on culture?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Singu View Post
    Big 5 trait of agreeableness is highly correlated with career success in Japan, but negatively correlated with career success in the US:

    https://www.sciencedirect.com/scienc...89158318300054

    Or: How do we even know what is agreeable or not, as it would depend on culture?
    They specifically focused on only males in this study it says, btw.

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    Quote Originally Posted by niffer View Post
    They specifically focused on only males in this study it says, btw.
    This is actually kind of interesting, because Jordan Peterson says that the gender pay gap is partially because uncooperativeness is what gets people promoted. But he didn't study Japan:

    Then, what is the cause of wage disparity between men and women? Professor Peterson said that the factor that works significantly during career advancement is "not cooperative". People with no cooperativeness have "aggressive leadership" to conform the surroundings, which means that they play a major role in promotion. Professor Peterson thinks that women are more cooperative because they are more delicate than men and that difficulties in becoming managers leads to wage disparities between men and women.
    https://gigazine.net/gsc_news/en/201...ender-pay-gap/

    So perhaps the "feminists" will be a little vindicated that there are also cultural reasons as well.

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    @Singu Speaking from a cultural standpoint the "Japanese" (along with most every other "East Asian" culture) are basically all about "not rocking the boat" as it were. On the other hand, Western Culture is all about rocking said boat. Think about it (if you're a Westerner). Who are *our* heroes? Jesus? Dude told the moneychangers and the Pharisees (i.e. the ruling class in his society) in no uncertain terms to go fuck themselves. Socrates? Drank that hemlock because of basic principle (should have tried to spark a revolt IMO but hey, I'm not him even as my type). Leonidas? 300 men vs. a whole army? We got this! Point is, here in the West we've made a habit of lauding those who told their detractors that they're wrong. Far as we're concerned in our culture it was the abrasive people screaming "Fuck You!" that attained the greatest level of success. Why be agreeable? Jesus didn't agree, Socrates didn't depart from his principles to save his life, Leonidas went out swinging...

    Culture matters, and in these things that's something people tend to forget. So do people BTW. Bet things would look very different of ol' Nobunaga had managed to not die like he did. California would've become Japan's equivalent to what Canada is to the British. Just putting it all out there in the hopes of sparking more interesting thoughts...

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    hi @End

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    everybody likes Journey's equally.

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    Shocking

    Why Rich Kids Are So Good At The Marshmallow Test


    Ultimately, the new study finds limited support for the idea that being able to delay gratification leads to better outcomes. Instead, it suggests that the capacity to hold out for a second marshmallow is shaped in large part by a child’s social and economic background—and, in turn, that that background, not the ability to delay gratification, is what’s behind kids’ long-term success.
    The marshmallow test isn’t the only experimental study that has recently failed to hold up under closer scrutiny. Some scholars and journalists have gone so far to suggest that psychology is in the midst of a “replication crisis.” In the case of this new study, specifically, the failure to confirm old assumptions pointed to an important truth: that circumstances matter more in shaping children’s lives than Mischel and his colleagues seemed to appreciate.
    This new paper found that among kids whose mothers had a college degree, those who waited for a second marshmallow did no better in the long run—in terms of standardized test scores and mothers’ reports of their children’s behavior—than those who dug right in. Similarly, among kids whose mothers did not have college degrees, those who waited did no better than those who gave in to temptation, once other factors like household income and the child’s home environment at age 3 (evaluated according to a standard research measure that notes, for instance, the number of books that researchers observed in the home and how responsive mothers were to their children in the researchers’ presence) were taken into account. For those kids, self-control alone couldn’t overcome economic and social disadvantages.

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    Oh no look

    https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/b...-test-bullshit

    https://thoughtcatalog.com/daniel-ha...iggs-nonsense/

    No such thing as 16 types? Jung didn’t think personality types were fixed?

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    Quote Originally Posted by golden View Post
    Never, ever listen to a guy named Luke Winkie.

    He researched his article by looking at Tinder profiles.
    I hesitate to speculate on how he came up with his byline name.

    @golden, what were you thinking?
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 06-25-2018 at 04:23 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    Never, ever listen to a guy named Luke Winkie.

    He researched his article by looking at Tinder profiles.
    He probably came up with his byline name by looking around his basement apartment, where his eyes fell on a lubed Twinkie, and he said, Nope, that'll never work. But he lacked the imagination to move too far from that.

    @golden, what were you thinking?
    That if even trashy little listicles snd clickbait can manage to cover some of the meaningful criticisms showing why 16 specific personality types is not a realistic proposition, I am wasting my time (again).

    That’s what I was thinking.
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    Quote Originally Posted by golden View Post
    That if even trashy little listicles snd clickbait can manage to cover some of the meaningful criticisms showing why 16 specific personality types is not a realistic proposition, I am wasting my time (again).

    That’s what I was thinking.
    Just because he has criticisms of the theory, it doesn't mean he's right. Or that the theory is wrong.

    As for there being no "predictive power" behind MBTI, that may be true to some extent, but the predictive power behind Socionics is better established, at least in my own mind.

    I had an ILE city inspector repeatedly find faults with my rental property at $100/visit, and he and I did not hit it off well, although we weren't overt about it. I decided to hire an LSE (his benefactor) to walk him through the property and he signed off on everything. So I'd say that socionics has some value.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    Just because he has criticisms of the theory, it doesn't mean he's right. Or that the theory is wrong.

    As for there being no "predictive power" behind MBTI, that may be true to some extent, but the predictive power behind Socionics is better established, at least in my own mind.

    I had an ILE city inspector repeatedly find faults with my rental property at $100/visit, and he and I did not hit it off well, although we weren't overt about it. I decided to hire an LSE (his benefactor) to walk him through the property and he signed off on everything. So I'd say that socionics has some value.
    I’m not concerned with these particular authors having criticisms. I linked to them for fun, although the underlying issues are real.

    These and many other articles and discussions—from material in peer-reviewed journals, to discussions by people knowledgeable in psychometrics, to mainstream infotainment that piggybacks on the more substantive work—all discuss similar problems.

    What I have said for years is that most personality type theories are overdeterministic. Socionics and MBTI are trying to do too much. The things the theories observe include actual traits (though these are not always easily distinguished from states, and I’m not sure that all the characteristics that get tied together should be bundled). We do know that these traits show normal distribution, clustering in the middle. This means that the hard lines a 16-type theory lays down are drawn across the messy, blurry, crowded gray zones where most people actually exist. Only a small number of people will neatly fit into the boxes. And a greater number of people will not fit neatly. So ...

    * people do not agree
    * people do not agree on how to type others
    * people do not agree with people’s self-typings
    * people do not agree on how to define the types
    * people do not agree on their own self-type, meaning they change it or never settle on it to begin with
    * self-report tests do not agree with themselves, as people retest with different results

    And so on.

    If we understand that so much of what has been drawn as hard boxes simply cannot be that neat and simple, if we understand that typology is usually in the realm of -ishness (I am EIE-ish, you are LIE-ish), we are coming closer to reality. But in the case of Socionics in particular, if people were content with -ish regarding their own types, they would have to accept that intertype relations become even more -ishy. The main thrust of the IR part of the theory is prediction of what will happen between people. The less exact and the more complex the interpersonal scenario begins, the less predictable it becomes, simply by introducing more variables and more room for error.
    Last edited by golden; 06-25-2018 at 03:04 PM.
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    I think this is a very good point @golden. I've always considered typology like this--'ishy' as you put it. Definitely there are some cliche SEI characteristics I do not fit (for one, I feel like I'm pretty capable of filling my life with Ne stimulation on my own, although I still love it most when a ILE or IEE helps by giving it to me). And I don't let the typology system stop me from making friends with 'incompatible' types. However, almost like clockwork, I have found that if I get too close to those types, they always seem to play out like the Socionics descriptions (and it takes more and more energy out of me to prevent that relational discord, the closer we get).

    Before I discovered Socionics, I was having these intertype relations already...I typed them using MBTI, and then later on I read about what kind of relationship was typical of these types with my type (in the socionics system), and it was spot on. For instance, this happened with two SEEs, two LIEs, two SLEs, one ESI, one ILE, one ESE, one EII, one LSE, one LSI...the list is even longer than this o_o And after I discovered Socionics, I've continued to have more relationships that fit the Socionics descriptions. It just keeps on happening.

    So to sum up, based on my personal experience at least, these intertype relationship descriptions do play out accurately when you're in a close friendship, familial relationship, or romantic relationship. But of course, there's also many other factors involved. I can get along with a conflictor who shares similar interests and opinions with me a lot more easily than I can with one who doesn't, lol xD And I can hardly get along with a dual who has completely opposite opinions and interests from mine, at all...although I still feel really comforted/relaxed when we work together on a project, and I can tell we understand each other more easily than most --Speaking of one ILE I know. I don't enjoy talking to him all that much, but I still feel that sort of dualizing synergy when working together with him on something >.>

    Btw, I think most of the online tests for these systems are fairly useless. I take them and score as an intuitive and/or a thinker all the time, because I do spend so much energy and time trying to use those functions (in the past, especially. it's really necessary to use every information element at least semi-decently, unless you have other people around who will do it for you, I suppose). So it took me a long time to figure out my type, at first.

  36. #76
    Singu's Avatar
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    The problem is, it has never been explained why Ti/Fi conflict, and Ti/Fe complement, or whatever, and so therefore we don't know whether any of those things have to do Socionics or not.

    Some people say that the other things are due to "NTR" or "other factors", but if you remove all the factors, then what? Then you will remove all the human factors, which would be missing the point, since this was supposed to be a study of human behaviors and relationships. You are only left with abstractions, like "logic and emotions complement". But since we're studying the humans as a whole, and the fact that they complement or conflict because of their unique human psychology and sociological behaviors, saying things like that is pretty pointless.

    Again, if you remove all of those things, then you are left with very little. We can practically never say it was due to the Ti/Fe or Ti/Fi or whatever, since you would essentially have to remove everything related to human behaviors and psychology. Everything becomes a matter of "bias", which it is.

    You can say that the reason why they get along or don't, is because of their types or functional preferences, but then again, it has never been explained or established how or why those types and functions get along or conflict, other than to just say that they just do. Which is obviously, not a good explanation.
    Last edited by Singu; 06-26-2018 at 05:37 AM.

  37. #77
    Big Anaconda Aki's Avatar
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    Default Why We Put the Blame On Others and the Real Cost We Pay

     


    By Harley Therapy September 10, 2015 Counselling, Relationships
    why we blame others
    By: Hendrik Dacquin
    By Andrea Blundell


    Blaming – the fine art of making others responsible for all the difficult things that happen to us – is something our modern society seems to support as perfectly acceptable. Reality TV shows force feed us scenes of one character blaming another, and newspapers are awash with stories about how all of society’s problems are to be blamed on politicians or terrorists and there is nothing we can do.

    But is our culture of blame helpful?

    The self-serving bias

    Psychology talks about the ‘self-serving bias’, with researchers discovering that many of us will take the credit for ourselves if things go good in life, but lay blame on circumstance when things go bad.

    For example, imagine taking a driver’s test. If you just pass, then you will likely make it an internal reason – I studied hard, I’m actually a good driver naturally. But if you just fail the same test, suddenly there is an external reason – the weather was bad, it wasn’t the car I usually drive, I didn’t get enough sleep.

    But blaming circumstance is one thing. Blaming people, especially those close to us, when things don’t go well is another. And it and can have a severely damaging affect on our relationships, families, and career.

    Why do we blame other people?

    So why do it?

    1. Blaming others is easy.

    Blame means less work as when we blame, we don’t have to be held accountable. It’s really the opposite of being responsible and all the work that that entails.

    2. Blame means you don’t have to be vulnerable.

    If we don’t have to be accountable, then we don’t have to be vulnerable. Researcher Brene Brown says this about blame –

    “Accountability by definition is a vulnerable process. It means me calling you and saying my feelings were hurt by this, and talking…. People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to hold people accountable…. and it’s one of the reasons we miss our opportunity for empathy”.

    psychology of blame
    By: Cyberslayer
    3. Blaming others feeds your need for control.

    Not blaming someone means you have to accept there was a situation where you perhaps didn’t act in ways you are proud of. In other words, you were a little bit out of control. Not blaming someone also means that you have to then listen to their side of their story, another thing you can’t control.

    But if you blame someone, then you have control of the story, both past and future – they are bad, hence things happened the way they did, and it’s all their fault, hence you don’t have to deal with it further.

    4. Blame unloads backed up feelings.

    Do you tend to rarely show emotions, or believe you ‘never get upset’ or are the ‘laid back calm type’? At the same time, do you tend to lay blame on others when push comes to shove? It’s likely that you are using blame to unload your emotional pain which you do feel, but are repressing. And it can feel a great relief to unload, so you might be blaming a lot for this very reason.

    5. Blame protects your ego.

    In a way, blaming is form of social comparison that is status-seeking. If you blame someone, it puts you in the superior seat, making you feel more important and the ‘good’ person as opposed to their ‘bad’.

    Of course some people use blaming to make themselves a victim. This is really still an ego move, as when you are in ‘poor me’ mode it means you get everyone else’s attention, and are still the ‘good’ person.

    Whether you are using blame to be superior or a victim, both come from a lack of self-esteem. The question to ask might even be not so much ‘why am I blaming’, as ‘why do I feel so bad about myself I have to blame others to feel better?’

    What are you losing out on by blaming?

    If you want to think that blaming is not something to worry about, think again. Blaming others can have long term consequences on your life and personality.

    Here’s what you stand to lose –


    1. Your personal growth.

    blame definition
    By: Celestine Chua
    Blame is a defence. And spending time constantly defending ourselves is really a part-time job that also leaves us shut down to what others have to offer us in terms of lessons and growth.

    2. Your power.

    By making everything everyone else’s fault you are actually making yourself powerless. Think about it – if everything is someone else’s fault, then that means you don’t have the power to change anything, as they have the reins.

    3. Your empathy.

    If you use blame to avoid accountability, you are also avoiding speaking truthfully about how you feel and accepting and listening to how others feel. Constantly sidestepping this powerful, vulnerable process of negotiating and communicating means you are not likely to develop empathy for others. In fact research shows that it’s narcissists, with their self-obsessed attributes, who are prone to blame more than others.

    4. Healthy relationships.

    Given that blame sidesteps healthy communication, which relationships need to thrive, it’s not surprising that if you are a blamer it’s likely you don’t have strong relationships with others. Blaming others is a way of putting people down so naturally it is also a great way to instead push people away, or create a dangerous environment where there is no trust and the other person can’t relax as they always feel judged and devalued.

    5. Your positive influence on others and yourself.

    Blame has been found by a recent study to be contagious. If you blame, those around you are more likely to then turn and blame others for things. In other words, you are spreading the tendency to avoid responsibility to those around you, both at work and at home. Think about the implications that brings, especially if you have young children or are in a position of leadership where others look up to you.

    And you are having a negative influence on yourself as well. Blamers were found to be more ego defensive and also chronically insecure. So the more you blame, the less your sense of self worth.

    What to do if you are caught in the blame game


    So what can you do if you realise you are too quick to blame?

    Start by working on your self-esteem.
    The more self worth you have, the more you will able to manage being responsible for yourself. And the more you can accept your own humanness and capacity for error, the more you are likely to accept and understand it in others, too.

    It can also help to stop telling the story. We all need to get things off our chest with friends we trust now and then, but blame, recounted too much, tends to grow like a snowball. Each time we tell the story about how another person is the reason something went wrong, we add a little bit more, making them more responsible and us less so. Eventually, without even noticing, we can be blaming them for things that aren’t even related to them.

    So stop relating the story. Go cold turkey even for a day, and notice what it does for your energy levels and mental reasoning around the situation – blame often creates a fog that, when it lifts, we can see a whole other perspective without.

    If you are going to tell the story, tell it to a therapist.
    A professional coach, counsellor, or psychotherapist can not only help you see where you are not taking responsibility, they can help you repair relationships and learn new ways of behaving that see you stepping into, instead of away from, your personal accountability and power.
    x

  38. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aki View Post
     


    By Harley Therapy September 10, 2015 Counselling, Relationships
    why we blame others
    By: Hendrik Dacquin
    By Andrea Blundell


    Blaming – the fine art of making others responsible for all the difficult things that happen to us – is something our modern society seems to support as perfectly acceptable. Reality TV shows force feed us scenes of one character blaming another, and newspapers are awash with stories about how all of society’s problems are to be blamed on politicians or terrorists and there is nothing we can do.

    But is our culture of blame helpful?

    The self-serving bias

    Psychology talks about the ‘self-serving bias’, with researchers discovering that many of us will take the credit for ourselves if things go good in life, but lay blame on circumstance when things go bad.

    For example, imagine taking a driver’s test. If you just pass, then you will likely make it an internal reason – I studied hard, I’m actually a good driver naturally. But if you just fail the same test, suddenly there is an external reason – the weather was bad, it wasn’t the car I usually drive, I didn’t get enough sleep.

    But blaming circumstance is one thing. Blaming people, especially those close to us, when things don’t go well is another. And it and can have a severely damaging affect on our relationships, families, and career.

    Why do we blame other people?

    So why do it?

    1. Blaming others is easy.

    Blame means less work as when we blame, we don’t have to be held accountable. It’s really the opposite of being responsible and all the work that that entails.

    2. Blame means you don’t have to be vulnerable.

    If we don’t have to be accountable, then we don’t have to be vulnerable. Researcher Brene Brown says this about blame –

    “Accountability by definition is a vulnerable process. It means me calling you and saying my feelings were hurt by this, and talking…. People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to hold people accountable…. and it’s one of the reasons we miss our opportunity for empathy”.

    psychology of blame
    By: Cyberslayer
    3. Blaming others feeds your need for control.

    Not blaming someone means you have to accept there was a situation where you perhaps didn’t act in ways you are proud of. In other words, you were a little bit out of control. Not blaming someone also means that you have to then listen to their side of their story, another thing you can’t control.

    But if you blame someone, then you have control of the story, both past and future – they are bad, hence things happened the way they did, and it’s all their fault, hence you don’t have to deal with it further.

    4. Blame unloads backed up feelings.

    Do you tend to rarely show emotions, or believe you ‘never get upset’ or are the ‘laid back calm type’? At the same time, do you tend to lay blame on others when push comes to shove? It’s likely that you are using blame to unload your emotional pain which you do feel, but are repressing. And it can feel a great relief to unload, so you might be blaming a lot for this very reason.

    5. Blame protects your ego.

    In a way, blaming is form of social comparison that is status-seeking. If you blame someone, it puts you in the superior seat, making you feel more important and the ‘good’ person as opposed to their ‘bad’.

    Of course some people use blaming to make themselves a victim. This is really still an ego move, as when you are in ‘poor me’ mode it means you get everyone else’s attention, and are still the ‘good’ person.

    Whether you are using blame to be superior or a victim, both come from a lack of self-esteem. The question to ask might even be not so much ‘why am I blaming’, as ‘why do I feel so bad about myself I have to blame others to feel better?’

    What are you losing out on by blaming?

    If you want to think that blaming is not something to worry about, think again. Blaming others can have long term consequences on your life and personality.

    Here’s what you stand to lose –


    1. Your personal growth.

    blame definition
    By: Celestine Chua
    Blame is a defence. And spending time constantly defending ourselves is really a part-time job that also leaves us shut down to what others have to offer us in terms of lessons and growth.

    2. Your power.

    By making everything everyone else’s fault you are actually making yourself powerless. Think about it – if everything is someone else’s fault, then that means you don’t have the power to change anything, as they have the reins.

    3. Your empathy.

    If you use blame to avoid accountability, you are also avoiding speaking truthfully about how you feel and accepting and listening to how others feel. Constantly sidestepping this powerful, vulnerable process of negotiating and communicating means you are not likely to develop empathy for others. In fact research shows that it’s narcissists, with their self-obsessed attributes, who are prone to blame more than others.

    4. Healthy relationships.

    Given that blame sidesteps healthy communication, which relationships need to thrive, it’s not surprising that if you are a blamer it’s likely you don’t have strong relationships with others. Blaming others is a way of putting people down so naturally it is also a great way to instead push people away, or create a dangerous environment where there is no trust and the other person can’t relax as they always feel judged and devalued.

    5. Your positive influence on others and yourself.

    Blame has been found by a recent study to be contagious. If you blame, those around you are more likely to then turn and blame others for things. In other words, you are spreading the tendency to avoid responsibility to those around you, both at work and at home. Think about the implications that brings, especially if you have young children or are in a position of leadership where others look up to you.

    And you are having a negative influence on yourself as well. Blamers were found to be more ego defensive and also chronically insecure. So the more you blame, the less your sense of self worth.

    What to do if you are caught in the blame game


    So what can you do if you realise you are too quick to blame?

    Start by working on your self-esteem.
    The more self worth you have, the more you will able to manage being responsible for yourself. And the more you can accept your own humanness and capacity for error, the more you are likely to accept and understand it in others, too.

    It can also help to stop telling the story. We all need to get things off our chest with friends we trust now and then, but blame, recounted too much, tends to grow like a snowball. Each time we tell the story about how another person is the reason something went wrong, we add a little bit more, making them more responsible and us less so. Eventually, without even noticing, we can be blaming them for things that aren’t even related to them.

    So stop relating the story. Go cold turkey even for a day, and notice what it does for your energy levels and mental reasoning around the situation – blame often creates a fog that, when it lifts, we can see a whole other perspective without.

    If you are going to tell the story, tell it to a therapist.
    A professional coach, counsellor, or psychotherapist can not only help you see where you are not taking responsibility, they can help you repair relationships and learn new ways of behaving that see you stepping into, instead of away from, your personal accountability and power.
    x
    This is a wonderful article, and all too relevant today. So many people feel entitled to name, blame and shame others without cause, especially online.
    You know that you are dead when someone puts you into a box and you are unable to devise a way to get out of it




  39. #79
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    I think this is a particularly important point:

    By making everything everyone else’s fault you are actually making yourself powerless. Think about it – if everything is someone else’s fault, then that means you don’t have the power to change anything, as they have the reins.
    You know that you are dead when someone puts you into a box and you are unable to devise a way to get out of it




  40. #80

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