Enneagram type 4s: Can they let go of finding a "rescuer"?

[Singu]

I feel like this need to find a "rescuer" is making me miserable... because it's about being as miserable as possible in hopes of attracting a rescuer. So it's no wonder that I am miserable! I am purposefully making myself suffer and become more miserable. It's madness.

I don't think that there is a rescuer, there will never be, and there never was. I think that 4s will eventually have to accept this. It doesn't have to even be a person, it can be a general idea, such as love or success. 4s are willing to wait patiently, even work hard at it, to find a magical panacea that will solve everything, rid of all their flaws and defects, boost their self-esteem and self-confidence, make them feel completely loved and accepted like never before, and to basically become a perfect, whole human. But that will never happen of course. There is no magical cure for everything.

But I mean... this need for a "rescuer" is so in-grained into 4s. If I'm not careful, then I will come right back to it. I will be down and depressed in hopes of attracting a rescuer and having someone feel sorry for me. It's mostly an unconscious process. I mean it's ridiculous... 4s become depressed because they believe that depression will make people feel sorry for them and attract a rescuer, and if that rescuer isn't forthcoming, then they will get even more depressed, I mean seriously depressed as a result. It's madness!

I'm just getting sick of my own self-pity and feeling sorry for myself and being down and manically depressed. I want to be as happy as possible... and to make others as happy as possible. I want to be more like a 7, but with more depth, if possible.

[Chae]

I feel you. And support your determination to find the rescuer within yourself Now, I'm a 3w4. So my wing-perspective could lend some inspiration. My values concerning "saving" go like this. These may not apply to you, so this is merely giving a perspective:


- Even if a rescuer comes, and I am in a downward spiral - I would not dare to burden them. I would not dare to shift all responsibility, too. I could not accept their help without a bad conscience. At the end of the day, my defects are what makes me successful and strong at living. My wrecked being is still alive and not giving up, humanity: take that! This gift will NEVER be transferred to someone who wants to help me, those flaws are mine, mine, mine. I am too greedy in that regard and encourage everyone else to be greedy as well.

- When I am miserable, I am. But at some point, I think about how others are affected and my fate is affected. All of my extraordinary potential would be lost. So I pull myself together, distract myself.

- No high without a low. If a saviour would come and make it all rosy and pink, another valley of depression would occur soon either by default or because I project my own scenario on them, trying to shoulder their pain also. And that's definitely not happening.

- As much as I am desperate and hopeless, I have a winning kink Somebody else trying to win by achieving my sane state is a turn-off.

- Nobody should ever receive credit for conquering my struggle - I want to be able to say, "I did it on my own". Nothing sounds more defeating to me than a person claiming that they freed me from myself. That's my job, not theirs, and I want ALL the praise for it because I am deserving just like everyone else

[Adam Strange]

I feel like this need to find a "rescuer" is making me miserable... because it's about being as miserable as possible in hopes of attracting a rescuer. So it's no wonder that I am miserable! I am purposefully making myself suffer and become more miserable. It's madness.

I don't think that there is a rescuer, there will never be, and there never was. I think that 4s will eventually have to accept this. It doesn't have to even be a person, it can be a general idea, such as love or success. 4s are willing to wait patiently, even work hard at it, to find a magical panacea that will solve everything, rid of all their flaws and defects, boost their self-esteem and self-confidence, make them feel completely loved and accepted like never before, and to basically become a perfect, whole human. But that will never happen of course. There is no magical cure for everything.

But I mean... this need for a "rescuer" is so in-grained into 4s. If I'm not careful, then I will come right back to it. I will be down and depressed in hopes of attracting a rescuer and having someone feel sorry for me. It's mostly an unconscious process. I mean it's ridiculous... 4s become depressed because they believe that depression will make people feel sorry for them and attract a rescuer, and if that rescuer isn't forthcoming, then they will get even more depressed, I mean seriously depressed as a result. It's madness!

I'm just getting sick of my own self-pity and feeling sorry for myself and being down and manically depressed. I want to be as happy as possible... and to make others as happy as possible. I want to be more like a 7, but with more depth, if possible.

This is an amazing post. I realize that you are talking about e4's, but I can relate a lot of what you are saying to some of the IEI's I know, perhaps because they may also be e4's.
I see a lot of really puzzling behavior in some IEI's, like the constant desire to find something better than their present situation (or in themselves, supposedly), no matter how good that situation is. The belief that they are deeply flawed, their self-esteem issues, their barely-suppressed envy, their idea that they are in need of a super hero. All of these things seem nearly incomprehensible to me.

After my divorce, I chased an IEI who has a crepe shop for about a year and a half. In retrospect, she treated me fairly badly, as if I would never be good enough for her, although at the time, I missed this entirely, since I had never encountered a person who was wonderfully seductive and simultaneously toxic before. Eventually, she told me to get lost, so I looked elsewhere.

Today, the guys that I went to lunch with decided to go to her shop. I didn't talk to her, but she saw me, and pointedly ignored me. She looked sad and miserable, almost as if she wanted to cry, which just completely made no sense to me. If I wasn't good enough for her, why would she be upset to see me? I'd think she'd just say to herself, "Oh, there's that loser Adam. He still looks like an idiot." But that's not what she did.

I now think that she had been doing that IEI thing, where the guy they're with now can't compare to the guy they were with last, but there hasn't been anyone since me (to the best of my imperfect knowledge), so maybe she thinks she needs to be rescued from her life and is looking miserable to attract that guy. That actually does explain what I saw.

The horse is out of the barn on that one, though.

[lemontrees]

It gets better. Basically, other people are not better than you so they can't validate you anyway. Yeah it's empty that they can't rescue. But it clears up a lot of mental space to just focus on living.

[Singu]

Today, the guys that I went to lunch with decided to go to her shop. I didn't talk to her, but she saw me, and pointedly ignored me. She looked sad and miserable, almost as if she wanted to cry, which just completely made no sense to me. If I wasn't good enough for her, why would she be upset to see me? I'd think she'd just say to herself, "Oh, there's that loser Adam. He still looks like an idiot." But that's not what she did.

I now think that she had been doing that IEI thing, where the guy they're with now can't compare to the guy they were with last, but there hasn't been anyone since me (to the best of my imperfect knowledge), so maybe she thinks she needs to be rescued from her life and is looking miserable to attract that guy. That actually does explain what I saw.

Well, I wouldn't be so hasty to jump to such a conclusion. It could be that she was genuinely feeling depressed due to her circumstance - for whatever the reason. It rather sounds like she was. But that's the thing that I was talking about, it could be that she was unconsciously seeking a rescuer who will solve all of her problems (not necessarily in a romantic sense). But she would need to realize that doing that will not solve her problems.

Some E4s may look sad and melancholic in public so that someone will come up to them and say "Hey! What's wrong with you? Cheer up!" or something like that. I think the people that usually do that are SEEs... It's not necessarily an act, they may genuinely be feeling sad and depressed, but they become attached to the sadness and melancholy in order to (unconsciously) attract a rescuer or people who will feel sorry for them.

[Pookie]

They say with intelligent reflective people that the trap they get drawn into is too much introspection, and that it stunts making the change you realize you need. Id focus on What now? And ditch the whys and self discovery, so you can get out of the rut.

[maniac]

Now you know that you do this, so you know it's not real. Work on yourself, realize your flaws, don't blame them on circumstances or other people. Meditate.