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Thread: How to romance series: ILE

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    Default How to romance series: ILE

    Currently a bit over introverts, so I am going out with an ILE (at least for once I am not the flaky one ). Tell me how you would romance an ILE.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
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    Help them get dressed in the morning, help them bathe, when they lose their underpants spontaneously throughout the day, help them find their underpants. If they set something on fire, put it out for them, and remind them to bathe.

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    Learn to draw cartoons and paint cute and disturbing things. Be upbeat, but not in a "you can do it and here are all the ways how" manner. More in a pleasant-from-one-moment-to-the-next way. No judginess. Become fascinated by categories of things. Have sex in a schoolyard. Develop a taste for satire. Buy lots of pajamas. Give him pajamas as gifts. Focus on shoes. Use words like "nifty" with only a soupcon of irony.

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    Stay calm and collected when they are disorganized. Help them with their organization issues if they seek out help.
    Bake a cake. Sit and listen. Be a steady and calm force.

    That's it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    Learn to draw cartoons and paint cute and disturbing things. Be upbeat, but not in a "you can do it and here are all the ways how" manner. More in a pleasant-from-one-moment-to-the-next way. No judginess. Become fascinated by categories of things. Have sex in a schoolyard. Develop a taste for satire. Buy lots of pajamas. Give him pajamas as gifts. Focus on shoes. Use words like "nifty" with only a soupcon of irony.
    ive done all these things ..... may god save my soul
    “Please make way for the special invented armor
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    Hello Mr. Mime! Hello medicine!
    I believe denial makes me hella intelligent.”

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    Glorious Member mu4's Avatar
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    Keep some distance, listen, take things slowly. Otherwise be yourself. Failing this be a unicorn.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    Help them get dressed in the morning, help them bathe, when they lose their underpants spontaneously throughout the day, help them find their underpants. If they set something on fire, put it out for them, and remind them to bathe.
    Haha this is so true.
    My ESE-Si mother does all those things for my ILE-Ti brother...

    Though this advice is better for when you are already in a relationship with an ILE.
    In that case, I would add the general "Clean up after them" phrase.

    When it comes to seduction, I'd say it is more about being a pleasant, calm, merry individual that is fascinated by and eager to listen to whatever the ILE has to say, especially when it comes to their hobbies and discoveries. Laugh with them, make them feel warm and cozy and relaxed. Be a safe haven they can go to whenever they feel like it. Have an "inviting" and "welcoming" vibe about you. And of course, dress well, but comfortably.
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    ILE's tend to stay pretty busy with their own intellectual pursuits and don't have much time for romance until their late '30's, so if the guy is younger than that, best of luck to you and have fun.

    I know two male ILE's IRL. One is about 50, married and divorced with a son in jail for the past year because he won't post bond, but he has money for toys. He has a hard time keeping GF's, but I don't think any of them have been duals.

    The second is an ex-bartender, now a purchasing agent, also single in his late '30's, but he settled down and started to focus on his long term goals when he met a dual. Unfortunately for him, she is married to someone else. The two of them are spectacularly compatible. With everyone else, not so much. And yes, she does exactly what @goldenbane and @sorrowsofyoungwerther recommend. And she does it naturally, and happily, because he is fascinating, or something. SEI-Fe.

    P.S.
    She is quite attractive (I'd date her myself if she weren't my conflictor) and he has a receding hairline and somehow had half (half!) of his front teeth knocked out and looks like a caricature, and she absolutely doesn't care. She just wants to be close to him.
    He, in turn, bounces around and pursues his interests, and (I think) just wants to be appreciated.
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 01-03-2017 at 02:54 PM.

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    Now we need to hear from women who have actually dated ILE's, and possibly have lived with them.

    Hmmmmmmm?????

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    So basically we will just frolic about in mismatched socks and otherwise naked as caring souls deliver casseroles so we don't starve to death while we plan the next adventure? Sign me up!
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    Many ENTjs are happy with their conflictor .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    Now we need to hear from women who have actually dated ILE's, and possibly have lived with them.

    Hmmmmmmm?????
    I did. How do you think I got my insider info?

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    I did. How do you think I got my insider info?
    There is another.

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    Learn to draw cartoons and paint cute and disturbing things. Be upbeat, but not in a "you can do it and here are all the ways how" manner. More in a pleasant-from-one-moment-to-the-next way. No judginess. Become fascinated by categories of things. Have sex in a schoolyard. Develop a taste for satire. Buy lots of pajamas. Give him pajamas as gifts. Focus on shoes. Use words like "nifty" with only a soupcon of irony.
    I hate pajamas...
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    Just listen to their ramblings. Which will be hard because you as NeFi ramble, too.
    Wut /squints/ Need to metabolize this.

    .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chae View Post
    Just listen to their ramblings. Which will be hard because you as NeFi ramble, too.
    I do ramble, but I also like to listen to people talk when they have interesting stories.

    I am not sure about his type, tbh. He seems a bit too forward and aggressive to be ILE...might be the LEO. All of this reads as if ILEs are generally timid and nerdy...?
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I hate pajamas...
    Uh-oh . . .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I do ramble, but I also like to listen to people talk when they have interesting stories.

    I am not sure about his type, tbh. He seems a bit too forward and aggressive to be ILE...might be the LEO. All of this reads as if ILEs are generally timid and nerdy...?
    I don't really see them that way, fwiw. The Fi-polr and irrationality can make them almost edgy, especially if they're smart, and often enough they are.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I hate pajamas...
    How is that possible????!!!

    p.s. PJs are my favorite clothes
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    Help them get dressed in the morning, help them bathe, when they lose their underpants spontaneously throughout the day, help them find their underpants. If they set something on fire, put it out for them, and remind them to bathe.
    Kind I'm mind I'm still not 100% on board with my ILE typing (thats what most others think based on discussions) but it is the most likely so I'm going to roll with it and reply from the standpoint that I'm ILE.
    Admittidly I leave chores like washings clothes, cleaning the house and so forth for others within my family to do. However, there is a limit to how much babying I'm willing to accept. Sensing is something I would rather develope in myself or be trained on rather then have others hand me a crutch just so I can get by. Se polr types in my opinion are more likely to seek out these eccentric levels of care then Si seeking types. Having Se as polr rather then role they don't care as much about potentially being seen as a helpless baby needing to be taken here of, whereas ILEs will be more touchy about this and at they very least will try make themselves appear to the public as someone who is strong enough survive on their own. What ILE really wants (coming from me) is someone who can teach them how to find pleasure in these tasks, so that they don't seem mundane and tiresome as they would be if ILE were doing it themselves.
    Last edited by Muddy; 01-04-2017 at 12:55 AM.

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    You don't really have to do anything. Just listen to and give feedback on their ideas and inventions, share your thoughts and give good input and be willing to travel and explore and try new things. It's really easy and takes pretty much no effort. Oh, but pay attention to the road when they're driving, because hey, somebody has to.

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    I am not sure on his type, really. I like ILE for him, but he seems pretty organized and "together" (but then he is in his 40s and has been in the military for 21 years...).

    I feel very comfortable around him. On our first date I sat down and almost knocked my chair over and then dropped my fork on the floor. He laughed and asked "are you nervous." I said "of course I am nervous, that's half the fun" and he laughed. We had a very easy interaction from the beginning, good conversation, and great chemistry. I have known him for two months now and he is inconsistent with communication, but fairly steady still. He will check in, ask me to check in when I get home when I travel, etc. But we have gone stretches of days with no communication. He is open about himself (does not mind personal questions) and with his space (invites me over, doesn't mind when I check out things and walk around, etc.). But he is also good at drawing the line (when he needs to sleep because he has to get up early, etc.). He is flexible and spontaneous, his life plans are not set in stone.

    But he is also fairly aggressive and very confident (in almost an SLE-ish way). I say this because my idea of the more "timid and nerdy" ILE does not apply here. He is not at all helpless or unable to take care of himself. He has some care-takerish tendencies ("should I start your car so it's warm when you are ready to go?" - granted this could also be a subtle way of making sure I leave because he was tired. ).

    He is charming in a bratty, straightforward way and is not at all complicated. I feel comfortable telling him when i feel frustrated. I don't feel like I have to be on my best behavior.

    Does that sound ILE? I will say again, I feel very comfortable and non-anxious with this guy. I like him, I could see it go somewhere, but I am much more patient with regards to seeing it play out.

    Ultimately it does not matter, but in these dating efforts, I do see patterns emerging - ITs keep me intrigued, but can easily make me feel intrusive and are too protective of their space and time. I hate having to walk on egg shells. EFs are incredibly fun at first, but the charm does not keep me interested. Constant charm attacks don't do much for me beyond date three (too much talk). Fellow IEEs are great fun, but too similar to take it beyond friendship for me. ETs are the most attractive initially, but can easily make me feel patronized (EXTjs much more so than EXTps). I don't think I have dated an IF lately. For some reason they stay off my radar.

    /ramblings
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ares View Post
    What ILE really wants (coming from me) is someone who can teach them how to find pleasure in these tasks, so that they don't seem mundane and tiresome as they would be if ILE were doing it themselves.
    Really? That's interesting. I am Si-seeking and would rather have those things done for me...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    Really? That's interesting. I am Si-seeking and would rather have those things done for me...
    Stuff like vacuuming the floor and washing dishes are things are things I would have others take of, as I mentioned in the first sentence of that paragraph. However, I wouldn't say attention towards those kinds of things alone is what I find attractive. I could make do without help on those matters if I had to. What I'm attracted to is adventurism. When I was a kid I always loved it when my dad took me out for trips to go fishing/camping etc. He grew his own garden and managed to get me interested in the various types of plants and animals that exist in the world. Sadly my dad passed away some time ago and ever since I felt myself being stuck in a rut. It would be nice to one day find a partner who could teach me to explore and take pleasure in the world around me in the same way he did. You being IEE means that you seek Si blocked with Te, so it would make sense that would seek out help on more earthy around-the-house type stuff then me. ILE seeks Si blocked with Fe, and thus care more about help with finding pleasure and enjoyment out of things rather then with simple practical matters like chores.
    Last edited by Muddy; 01-04-2017 at 04:26 PM.

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    By being soft, kind and understanding....

    Although for me, that honestly only works for so long and sooner rather than later I am like get over it and be a real man and throat fuck me. etc. which is why ILE/IEI can kind of not work out.
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    Aw, Kim, your ILE reminds me of mine.... like 1000%

    I'm still not exactly sure how to properly romance one even though I've been dating one for 5 months now-- as a bunch of other people above have said, being soft and understanding certainly helps. The pushiest I've only ever been on my ILE is force him to sleep when he's been pulling all nighters cuz of work related stuff... or hobbies He really does appreciate it when I show my care for him though. Having a healthy sense of humor always helps too. I think what initially attracted him to me was my Fe though. I like to have fun with my interactions but be comfortable at the same time about it.... I dunno if that makes any sense lol

    Just be yourself though; you're already lovely as you are and it sounds like you two are hitting it off great imo Enjoy the moment!
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    Quote Originally Posted by fried egg View Post
    Aw, Kim, your ILE reminds me of mine.... like 1000%

    I'm still not exactly sure how to properly romance one even though I've been dating one for 5 months now-- as a bunch of other people above have said, being soft and understanding certainly helps. The pushiest I've only ever been on my ILE is force him to sleep when he's been pulling all nighters cuz of work related stuff... or hobbies He really does appreciate it when I show my care for him though. Having a healthy sense of humor always helps too. I think what initially attracted him to me was my Fe though. I like to have fun with my interactions but be comfortable at the same time about it.... I dunno if that makes any sense lol

    Just be yourself though; you're already lovely as you are and it sounds like you two are hitting it off great imo Enjoy the moment!
    Awww I am trying! I am not very good at enjoying the moment, but I am getting much better at just going with the flow without overthinking where it might lead.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
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    Quote Originally Posted by fried egg View Post
    Aw, Kim, your ILE reminds me of mine.... like 1000%

    I'm still not exactly sure how to properly romance one even though I've been dating one for 5 months now-- as a bunch of other people above have said, being soft and understanding certainly helps. The pushiest I've only ever been on my ILE is force him to sleep when he's been pulling all nighters cuz of work related stuff... or hobbies He really does appreciate it when I show my care for him though. Having a healthy sense of humor always helps too. I think what initially attracted him to me was my Fe though. I like to have fun with my interactions but be comfortable at the same time about it.... I dunno if that makes any sense lol

    Just be yourself though; you're already lovely as you are and it sounds like you two are hitting it off great imo Enjoy the moment!
    Awww I am trying! I am not very good at enjoying the moment, but I am getting much better at just going with the flow without overthinking where it might lead.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
    ― Pablo Neruda

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    I don't have much useful experience, but I think you can behave that the relationship is however you want it to go. I.e. if an ILE showed interest, and I wanted to seriously date him, I might act *as if* we are exclusively dating. He'll pick up on that and if he really doesn't want to let you know, probably. They often have trouble knowing what they feel about someone, you have a lot of power to define the relationship, so long as you don't press them in certain ways (I got stuck here b/c I couldn't come up with a good rule for what sorts of things they rebel or don't rebel against when pressed. )

    Update: I think it's Fi type reasoning they can't handle ... i.e. "b/c of this our relationship is more like this and b/c of that our relationship shifted more like that..." (They will sometimes try to do this type of analysis themselves, filtered through Ti, but it's a bit of a different flavor). They can handle black and white stuff, like "we are monogamous" or "we are not" or probably "I am looking for something that could lead to marriage" and will move forward accordingly.
    Last edited by lemontrees; 01-07-2017 at 11:57 PM.

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