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Thread: How to romance series: LSI

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    Default How to romance series: LSI

    In case new romantic interest is actually LSI (in which case I need all the help I can get).
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    Keep telling yourself that he is actually an SLI instead of an LSI to make it work. If things go well, he can become SLI, if things go badly, he can become LSI.
    "Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change."

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    Nasty Woman Kim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raver View Post
    Keep telling yourself that he is actually an SLI instead of an LSI to make it work. If things go well, he can become SLI, if things go badly, he can become LSI.
    I never typed him SLI. It's between LSI and ILI.

    Plus things have gone badly with SLIs in the past, so type is not really an indicator of how it will go.
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I never typed him SLI. It's between LSI and ILI.

    Plus things have gone badly with SLIs in the past, so type is not really an indicator of how it will go.
    I was just joking. However, I agree with you that just because someone is your dual doesn't guarantee it will work because of other non-Socionics related factors.
    "Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Raver View Post
    I was just joking. However, I agree with you that just because someone is your dual doesn't guarantee it will work because of other non-Socionics related factors.
    Oh. Jeez, I am touchy these days. Sorry...
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    With my Lsi I planned mini adventures and went to the gym with him. They really love declarations of feelings and public displays of affection and someone who can do a lot of talking as well as a workout buddy.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    In case new romantic interest is actually LSI (in which case I need all the help I can get).
    Still valid issue?

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    The placebo method could actually work. Forer effect - why not.
    3w4 7w6 8w7 SX/SO

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chae View Post
    The placebo method could actually work. Forer effect - why not.
    That would require seeing things through rose coloured glasses, no?

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    Look good, smile gently and sincere, be patient and wait to be hunted I tested once, it works.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieGirl View Post
    Look good, smile gently and sincere, be patient and wait to be hunted I tested once, it works.
    I won't hunt IEIs for long. Smiling gently and sincerely is not enough for me after a bit of while.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ZombieGirl View Post
    Look good, smile gently and sincere, be patient and wait to be hunted I tested once, it works.
    And this is where I fail...WHO HAS THE PATIENCE FOR THIS??!
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    I think you have to give the LSI both barrels of you and spare nothing. Any pretense won't be appreciated; LSIs have to decide in isolation whether or not relationships are doable......

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    And this is where I fail...WHO HAS THE PATIENCE FOR THIS??!
    If you noticed, I don't agree with that advice specifically. Still yes, some patience would be needed. Absolutely no need for you to wait passively however. You still play an extravert's role in some things, initiative is not needed in the Se areas though.


    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    I think you have to give the LSI both barrels of you and spare nothing. Any pretense won't be appreciated; LSIs have to decide in isolation whether or not relationships are doable......
    Barrels? I don't care for guys who try to go "all in" right away. That just doesn't work with me. (I'm not talking about the sex here either.) Hence me mentioning the bit of patience.

    In isolation, well maybe LSI-Ti does that? I figure it out on the go.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    .......Barrels? I don't care for guys who try to go "all in" right away........
    I thought that LSI like to be honestly given all the relevant information upfront; if not, they can sometimes jump to incorrect conclusions. I was not referring to a forward person but rather a very forthright one.......

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    ..........I figure it out on the go.
    I have never met an LSI that really did that. All seemed to share my (INTj) inability to think on ones feet; however, most, like me as well, used to think they were good at it.


    a.k.a. I/O

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    I have never met an LSI that really did that. All seemed to share my (INTj) inability to think on ones feet; however, most, like me as well, used to think they were good at it.


    a.k.a. I/O
    I think Myst means she likes to have time to think about things over time, as the relationship progresses.

    I found it is best to tell the truth, show my true feelings in actions and in words, and to not push. Just let things go where they go.
    This is probably what an EIE would ideally do.

    Which leads me back to answer the OP's (@Kim) question. Just be an EIE.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    I thought that LSI like to be honestly given all the relevant information upfront; if not, they can sometimes jump to incorrect conclusions. I was not referring to a forward person but rather a very forthright one.......
    That's ok.


    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    I have never met an LSI that really did that. All seemed to share my (INTj) inability to think on ones feet; however, most, like me as well, used to think they were good at it.
    It depends on a few things whether I can do it well or not. I definitely do it more easily than my LSI-Ti friend. And a lot more easily than the LII friend.

    But yes, @Adam Strange interpreted that right, it's about experiencing the relationship and analyzing it while things go on. Not in the midst of action, no, but I usually don't have to go to full isolation to sit and contemplate long.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    I thought that LSI like to be honestly given all the relevant information upfront; if not, they can sometimes jump to incorrect conclusions. I was not referring to a forward person but rather a very forthright one.......

    a.k.a. I/O
    Yes, I'd agree with this as far as I'm concerned. I don't like to have to guess what someone wants or how they feel.

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    Quote Originally Posted by squark View Post
    Yes, I'd agree with this as far as I'm concerned. I don't like to have to guess what someone wants or how they feel.
    I don't even try to guess.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    Still valid issue?
    No: http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin...26#post1164326

    But threads might be useful for other audiences.
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    With LSIs, I have tended to be very upfront about what I want from them in the big-picture sense. For this, it helped to actually know what I wanted. When I met my husband, I told him I was only interested in having a committed, one-on-one relationship that could lead to marriage -- as that was what I wanted. I told him I was not demanding that outcome, because no one can force a relationship to work, only that if he was NOT open to that outcome, we shouldn't get involved.

    I have noticed with my husband (LSI) and a close LSI female friend, they can get into a poorly defined, on-again / off-again thing with people and drag out relationships that aren't working. It seems like they are trying to do the right thing, maybe. I don't have any patience for this, although I tolerated it more when younger.

    I know that my husband was involved in the past with at least one ENFp, maybe two, and it seems like it was hard for him to cleanly break up with them. One of the complaints he had about the woman I'm quite sure was ENFp was that she often presumed to know how he felt. She would insist to him that she understand what he was experiencing, even when he knew she could not possibly really understand it. This angered him after a while because it gave him no way to clarify what he actually did feel.

    I knew a woman who was ENFp and in a years-long relationship that left her guessing as to what the guy actually wanted, and she stuck around through phases of on-again, off-again, and eventually they married. Is this a thing with ENFps, or is it NTR?

    Everything I wrote here may be NTR, but I'm offering it just in case.

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    With LSIs, I have tended to be very upfront about what I want from them in the big-picture sense. For this, it helped to actually know what I wanted. When I met my husband, I told him I was only interested in having a committed, one-on-one relationship that could lead to marriage -- as that was what I wanted. I told him I was not demanding that outcome, because no one can force a relationship to work, only that if he was NOT open to that outcome, we shouldn't get involved.
    I would think this is good advice for many people regardless of type.


    I have noticed with my husband (LSI) and a close LSI female friend, they can get into a poorly defined, on-again / off-again thing with people and drag out relationships that aren't working. It seems like they are trying to do the right thing, maybe. I don't have any patience for this, although I tolerated it more when younger.
    No, this is not necessarily because they are trying to do the right thing. In any case, I don't think the solution is tolerating it like a saint, instead it would be communicating about why they do this, optionally helping them understand what's actually going on if they don't actually understand that and of course at the same time not tolerating boundary violations from/with previous ex's.

    Interesting example here... I talked to an LIE girl recently who has an LSI bf who was doing this poorly defined thing with previous ex (no sex involved tho'). Tbh I don't get why the guy didn't realize it wasn't ok doing it even when there is a new girlfriend. (This is where I would definitely not act like him myself.) What I do know is there was the quite unfair kind of emotional manipulation going on from ex (possible Fe base) with very self-serving purposes and the guy was unaware of what was actually going on until the LIE explained to him. Then he did get to fixing things.

    Your LSI female friend, why don't you talk to her about this btw? She may lack awareness of certain Fe things (I don't necessarily mean this nasty kind of manipulation) which makes her fall into this. I know I lacked it when less experienced until I really really analyzed out certain things. Direct help from Fe ego friends I'm sure can make this process speed up.


    I know that my husband was involved in the past with at least one ENFp, maybe two, and it seems like it was hard for him to cleanly break up with them. One of the complaints he had about the woman I'm quite sure was ENFp was that she often presumed to know how he felt. She would insist to him that she understand what he was experiencing, even when he knew she could not possibly really understand it. This angered him after a while because it gave him no way to clarify what he actually did feel.
    Lol uh, I had that problem when I was trying to get things working with an IEE last year (before figuring out they were IEE lol, well, problems came up first, I only figured out the type after that). It was impossible to get him to see that his bullshit about me (how I am, what I feel, etc) wasn't matching actual reality.

    I did break up very cleanly with him in the sense that I made a conclusion after a long analysis, about breaking up and never talking much again and I kept to it no problem.


    I knew a woman who was ENFp and in a years-long relationship that left her guessing as to what the guy actually wanted, and she stuck around through phases of on-again, off-again, and eventually they married. Is this a thing with ENFps, or is it NTR?

    Everything I wrote here may be NTR, but I'm offering it just in case.
    I read they do need to be very flexible with on/off stuff to successfully dualize with SLI. I don't know beyond that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    I would think this is good advice for many people regardless of type.
    Some people apparently find such directness offputting and feel manipulated by it, or like it's too clinical or something.

    No, this is not necessarily because they are trying to do the right thing. In any case, I don't think the solution is tolerating it like a saint, instead it would be communicating about why they do this, optionally helping them understand what's actually going on if they don't actually understand that and of course at the same time not tolerating boundary violations from/with previous ex's.

    Interesting example here... I talked to an LIE girl recently who has an LSI bf who was doing this poorly defined thing with previous ex (no sex involved tho'). Tbh I don't get why the guy didn't realize it wasn't ok doing it even when there is a new girlfriend. (This is where I would definitely not act like him myself.) What I do know is there was the quite unfair kind of emotional manipulation going on from ex (possible Fe base) with very self-serving purposes and the guy was unaware of what was actually going on until the LIE explained to him. Then he did get to fixing things.

    Your LSI female friend, why don't you talk to her about this btw? She may lack awareness of certain Fe things (I don't necessarily mean this nasty kind of manipulation) which makes her fall into this. I know I lacked it when less experienced until I really really analyzed out certain things. Direct help from Fe ego friends I'm sure can make this process speed up.
    I may not have made myself clear enough, in that I don't mean I have often tolerated this from LSIs, rather that when I was younger I put up with more ambiguity in general regarding relationships, so if someone else was hard to pin down, it didn't bother me as much as it did later on. With my now-husband, when we met I saw he was in a situation like this and it was a horrible mess, and told him regardless of whether he and I got involved, he absolutely had to get out of it, why, how, and so on. It was destroying him. Regarding my female friend, I have talked to her about how she does relationships, but I'm not sure that it ever made any difference except that when things were going badly (which was often) I was there for her. I'm hardly a paragon of relationship mastery anyhow.

    Lol uh, I had that problem when I was trying to get things working with an IEE last year (before figuring out they were IEE lol, well, problems came up first, I only figured out the type after that). It was impossible to get him to see that his bullshit about me (how I am, what I feel, etc) wasn't matching actual reality.

    I did break up very cleanly with him in the sense that I made a conclusion after a long analysis, about breaking up and never talking much again and I kept to it no problem.

    I read they do need to be very flexible with on/off stuff to successfully dualize with SLI. I don't know beyond that.
    Interesting something like this happened to you also. Again to clarify, my husband appeared to have broken up with at least one ENFp cleanly, but she did not seem to understand that it was completely over. It wasn't anything creepy, it was just that two different versions of "we broke up" existed. I could try to describe what I know of it, but I might misinterpret it. My thought was maybe her version of being broken up would work better with an SLI, dunno.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    ........But yes, @Adam Strange interpreted that right, it's about experiencing the relationship and analyzing it while things go on. Not in the midst of action, no, but I usually don't have to go to full isolation to sit and contemplate long.
    The way you phrased the first sentence sounds a little SLE-ish. Most Ijs can mentally isolate themselves in a crowd for a few seconds of necessary processing but with me, often, the time that I allow myself feels somewhat insufficient......

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Be attractive and passionate, laugh a lot in their presence, talk about the "deep stuff" in life and observations you have made about people and human interactions, seem a bit unsure of yourself in certain areas where the LSI would be glad to help.

    In short: Make them "feel" something.
    If you are able to evoke any kind of stronger emotion in them, may it be joy or even negative emotions, they won't be able to get you out of their minds.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    The way you phrased the first sentence sounds a little SLE-ish. Most Ijs can mentally isolate themselves in a crowd for a few seconds of necessary processing but with me, often, the time that I allow myself feels somewhat insufficient......
    Oh, what sounds SLE-ish about it?

    I can do the mental isolation anytime but don't like to do it much when there are things/people around. I'm ok with it when working on a task for example.


    Quote Originally Posted by Cassandra View Post
    Be attractive and passionate, laugh a lot in their presence, talk about the "deep stuff" in life and observations you have made about people and human interactions, seem a bit unsure of yourself in certain areas where the LSI would be glad to help.

    In short: Make them "feel" something.
    If you are able to evoke any kind of stronger emotion in them, may it be joy or even negative emotions, they won't be able to get you out of their minds.
    I think your last sentence sounds extreme. It's not THAT black and white with emotions. Maybe if we are talking of a very Fe-deprived LSI, dunno.

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    Some people apparently find such directness offputting and feel manipulated by it, or like it's too clinical or something.
    Oh, manipulated by directness, lol, how come. (Not an actual question here)


    I may not have made myself clear enough, in that I don't mean I have often tolerated this from LSIs, rather that when I was younger I put up with more ambiguity in general regarding relationships, so if someone else was hard to pin down, it didn't bother me as much as it did later on.
    Ah, ok, later (well after writing my post) I thought of this interpretation.


    With my now-husband, when we met I saw he was in a situation like this and it was a horrible mess, and told him regardless of whether he and I got involved, he absolutely had to get out of it, why, how, and so on. It was destroying him. Regarding my female friend, I have talked to her about how she does relationships, but I'm not sure that it ever made any difference except that when things were going badly (which was often) I was there for her. I'm hardly a paragon of relationship mastery anyhow.
    Gotcha, I guess more professional help could be useful if she ever feels she has too many problems there.

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    @Myst I meant nothing more than a bad quip on the order of your wording. SLE tends to jump into the experience first and analyse later whereas LSI tend to analyse, then experience and then analyse again.

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    @Myst I meant nothing more than a bad quip on the order of your wording. SLE tends to jump into the experience first and analyse later whereas LSI tend to analyse, then experience and then analyse again.
    Gotcha I easily have a very quick appraisal of the situation before the first move (then I may have to analyse more at points after that) but in some cases I definitely have to analyse a lot first. Soo, don't try typing just based on this, it would have me end up right between SLE and LSI

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    Oh, manipulated by directness, lol, how come. (Not an actual question here)
    I don't feel put off by directness; it puts me at ease. LSIs seem to react with relief when I'm direct with them. But I gather that some people do find directness off-putting.

    Force: It seems that some people will think I'm trying to force them to do something by saying what I want.

    Take it as it comes: Some people seem to find it philosophically incorrect to enter a relationship with an agenda.

    Rudeness: Some prefer to leave these things unstated and think it's gauche to be vocal about what they believe should be private feelings.

    Gender roles: There also may be some people who think women should not say boldly what they want from a man, in general.

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    I don't feel put off by directness; it puts me at ease. LSIs seem to react with relief when I'm direct with them. But I gather that some people do find directness off-putting.

    Force: It seems that some people will think I'm trying to force them to do something by saying what I want.

    Take it as it comes: Some people seem to find it philosophically incorrect to enter a relationship with an agenda.

    Rudeness: Some prefer to leave these things unstated and think it's gauche to be vocal about what they believe should be private feelings.

    Gender roles: There also may be some people who think women should not say boldly what they want from a man, in general.
    Lol all that bullshit.

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    Re: IEEs and "hanging on," I could see that NeFi seems to suggest all sorts of possible scenarios and will want time to reassess and reevaluate the relationship. You don't just give up on relationships until you have made sure you exhausted all possibilities. I can see how for certain IEEs, this means hanging on when there is nothing to hang on to.

    With regards to IEEs "seeing what was not there," they might be prone to wanting to see things from their NeFi perspective rather than based on what they are told by the person, but that is also because IEEs often DO have insights. I am not saying I have NeFi superpowers, but when it comes to men and relationships, it has happened to me over and over again that men broke up with me and I tried to tell them "you are making a mistake" (this might have been for different reasons, they felt they had different life plans, they thought I was too unpredictable, etc.). Now I personally don't hang on to someone who does not want to be with me, so I let them go. The majority of these men contacted me again between 6 months and 15 years later to say they were wrong and they made a mistake.

    My point is that NeFi is very good at assessing and reshaping relationships as needed and it can be frustrating to see that people won't take the ride with you (SLIs are likely to do it).

    That being said, and to get back on topic, the LSI who motivated this thread told me "he no longer wanted to communicate with me" after I had a bad day and annoyed him with something I said. I tried to explain, but he was done. It's fine and all, but a bit baffling to me how people can just break things off so cleanly. I can do it when someone treats me badly, but not when I am annoyed or when someone does not act according to my script. I feel it's such a waste of opportunity. He feels he is not going to waste his time trying things with someone who will annoy him. Fair enough on both parts I think.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    That being said, and to get back on topic, the LSI who motivated this thread told me "he no longer wanted to communicate with me" after I had a bad day and annoyed him with something I said. I tried to explain, but he was done. It's fine and all, but a bit baffling to me how people can just break things off so cleanly.
    I did that with a guy (not IEE) when I saw things started to go downhill based on something the guy did out of the blue added to how the relationship was before that. I realized at that moment that the relationship was not progressing in any particular way before this and this moment was negative so I added two and two together and I dumped him immediately. Chalk it up to the Ni HA. I dunno about your LSI of course.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Myst View Post
    I did that with a guy (not IEE) when I saw things started to go downhill based on something the guy did out of the blue added to how the relationship was before that. I realized at that moment that the relationship was not progressing before this and this moment was negative so I added two and two together and I dumped him. Chalk it up to the Ni HA. I dunno about your LSI of course.
    Well, actually everything was fine, but I was getting impatient because things wouldn't progress. I think he really needed things to be on his terms and it could very well have been an issue that has nothing to do with type. But when I can't have a crappy day and annoy someone without being told that he is "put off," I really can't help it. I don't believe in being on my best, most accommodating behavior for too long.

    I think he felt like "this is how it's going to be, no way! Too pushy and intrusive."
    I felt like "I can't have a crappy day and be temporarily annoying. Yeah, no. It's not all about you..."
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
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    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    I did find the severity of his reaction a bit ridiculous. He was all formal, jeez. A simple "I don't think we are a good match" would have been perfectly suitable, but I had to be scolded. Probably not type-related though.
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
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    Sometimes, when you are dating, you see something that you think might be a deal breaker. I feel that it is best to take a wait and see approach when this happens. If the behavior is repeated and is really intolerable, or if the person is mean to someone who is unimportant to them, then.....NEXT. But if you find that the incident is just an aberration, then not being quick to judge might get you to a better, deeper relationship.


    Alain de Bottom claims we will all marry the wrong person, but it doesn't matter, because:

    "The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition."

    My parents have been married to each other for all of their adult lives. They don't always agree, they sometimes frustrate each other, they don't even seem happy most of the time, but what I see in both of them is the capacity to be generous to each other, and to support the other one always.
    Last edited by Adam Strange; 01-04-2017 at 05:01 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim View Post
    I did find the severity of his reaction a bit ridiculous. He was all formal, jeez. A simple "I don't think we are a good match" would have been perfectly suitable, but I had to be scolded. Probably not type-related though.
    This scolding is shitty and ungracious and unkind. Sounds like an asshole thing. Could be NTR, or not. I've known two LSI men who would probably do that, and they were both European (one Austrian, one German) and both probably Ti subtype.

    I think all the explanations you gave about the NeFi point of view make a lot of sense in light of questions I have about some IEEs I've known and will be rereading them. It's a bit hard to bridge the gap at times?

    I also remember in light of your comments that the IEE my husband dated was often asking him "where things were going" and so on, and it didn't work too well for him. I don't really wonder where things are going . . . I just know either they're kinda going where I want, or they're not, and maybe the same way you say that you "assess and reshape" relationships, I might assess and reshape circumstances to make events or situations be more as I wish? But I don't feel I can do that with people per se, I'd have no clue how.

    Would you be willing to say more about what assessing and reshaping relationships is like in practice? What changes? Is it behaviors, attitudes, what?

    ETA: What you said about having the crappy day is interesting. When I have a crappy day, I tend to withdraw from people. I tend to think, "I'm feeling crappity and I'm going to be annoying, so I'd better keep my distance until I'm more fit to interact." I'm NOT saying that's right, or healthy, only that I automatically do this. So the complaints I get from my LSI are more that I'm being distant or unreachable, and if I explain that I'm feeling down or upset, then he accepts it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by goldenbane View Post
    This scolding is shitty and ungracious and unkind. Sounds like an asshole thing. Could be NTR, or not. I've known two LSI men who would probably do that, and they were both European (one Austrian, one German) and both probably Ti subtype.
    I did notice some pretty clear narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, so it might not be type-related. Either way, it's a good thing.

    I think all the explanations you gave about the NeFi point of view make a lot of sense in light of questions I have about some IEEs I've known and will be rereading them. It's a bit hard to bridge the gap at times?
    Which gap, specifically?

    I also remember in light of your comments that the IEE my husband dated was often asking him "where things were going" and so on, and it didn't work too well for him. I don't really wonder where things are going . . . I just know either they're kinda going where I want, or they're not, and maybe the same way you say that you "assess and reshape" relationships, I might assess and reshape circumstances to make events or situations be more as I wish? But I don't feel I can do that with people per se, I'd have no clue how.
    I want to know where I stand with a person with regards to emotional distance. I can adapt and go with the flow in life, but I cannot handle emotional ambiguity. I think asking where things might go is covering two things: "how committed is he to this" and "what are the new options/possibilities/restrictions that come with this point of the relationship." I always have to have options - I want to move to California, for example, so I need to know how committed someone is because it has an impact on my life choices. I can't look at my life as a linear development that will unfold - I see it as a collection of possibilities and possible avenues to take (I am not set in my career, I don't want to live here, I don't have kids, so there is a lot of flexibility). So I want to know where I stand with someone so I can adapt my plans to the relationship/figure out if we can do this, etc. I also love feeling secure with someone. My life is in constant flux and there is so much change and my significant other is, ideally, my constant. I love that feeling of emotional security (which is also perhaps why I don't withdraw from them when I feel bad, see below).

    Would you be willing to say more about what assessing and reshaping relationships is like in practice? What changes? Is it behaviors, attitudes, what?
    Like I said above - now I am in the very initial stages of seeing an ILE. He is flexible, too, has similar life plans, will retire from the military soon, etc. So the logistics would work very well (also age, etc.). If we take this to the next level, we could easily reach a consensus on where to go next. Before him I was dating someone who is very much tied to this area and I approached it with a different mindset. I knew that if we take this to the next level, I would have to stay here. Of course this is the same for everyone, but I can't just sit and let it happen. I always want to know what's next so I can assess all my options. That is why I am incredibly impatient and incapable of happily taking things slow. I am not sure if this answers your questions.

    ETA: What you said about having the crappy day is interesting. When I have a crappy day, I tend to withdraw from people. I tend to think, "I'm feeling crappity and I'm going to be annoying, so I'd better keep my distance until I'm more fit to interact." I'm NOT saying that's right, or healthy, only that I automatically do this. So the complaints I get from my LSI are more that I'm being distant or unreachable, and if I explain that I'm feeling down or upset, then he accepts it.
    I withdraw from people, but not from significant others. They are my comfort zone and my outlet. In this particular case, he added to my crappy week because I felt homesick and lonely and he was distant, so I wanted clarification. To him that was pushy and annoying. But I got the clarification I needed.
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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    PS: I really really wish I could just sit back and relax and enjoy slow progress. It actually drives me crazy that it's always an all or nothing type of thing for me romantically.
    “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
    ― Maya Angelou

    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    ― Jonathan Safran Foer

    “The secret of happiness is freedom, the secret of freedom is courage.”
    ― Carrie Jones, Need

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