Originally Posted by
circles are neat
i've been obsessed with typology for nearing 3 years now and during that time i've been on a relentless search for my real type. i don't know why i care so much, nor do i know why i put so much stock in the validity of the system. all i know is that i probably won't be able to move on until i get a definitive answer. what makes my search even more confusing is my hatred and fear of endings. why, if i can't finish anything else, would i want to finish this? i never finish books, tv series, not even cigarettes. i'll light it, smoke it, and then put it out two puffs before i should. it doesn't make sense.
questionnaires are too restrictive for my taste because i don't perform well under imaginary pressure. my mind goes blank whenever i'm asked questions so i hope this stream-of-consciousness rant will make for a decent placeholder. i'll try to format it in such a way that it doesn't bore you to tears. i'll also try to be as honest as possible.
alright, so. i have a bad habit of repeating the same mistakes over and over again, and this is usually due to negligence. an example of this would be forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge after i'm done using it, or messing up my room not even a day after tidying it up. i pay very little attention to my surroundings, as well as what i'm saying and doing, because i'm usually operating on autopilot. my dad used to joke that my brain would be wiped clean of the previous day's happenings every night. i walk into doors and walls a lot. loud noises aggravate me to no end and in the past i've been brought to tears by the phone ringing. i'm extremely good at pissing off all the wrong people and i have a refined penchant for doing it by merely existing. if you haven't noticed already, i fall back on self-deprecating humor a lot.
i oscillate between serious and playful and back again and i do this regularly enough that multiple people in my life have taken notice of it and pointed it out to me. it confuses them. it has led a few to speculate that i might be bipolar. i also have a tendency to complain about the same things over and over again, which ties into me repeating the same mistakes over and over again. i'm extremely anxious and insecure but most of the time i push both of those down in favor of a sillier and more carefree disposition, to make myself more appealing to others. i'm probably the laziest person to ever exist but, by the same token, i can be very driven when i really want something, which hasn't happened in years but i'm sure it will once i get my life back on track. some people think i hold inconsistent views and beliefs but i disagree. i think they just confuse serious me with playful me and vice versa, and so they have difficulty distinguishing sincerity from satire. i like it when people maintain psychological distance in interactions.
i'm terrified of complimenting myself because i fear that if i do and what i say doesn't align with external opinion, i'll be attacked or judged for lacking self-awareness. right now, though, i don't really care. (okay i do but i'm pretending i don't to make this easier on myself) i make a considerable effort to be friendly, inclusive, and sweet. i can't say no so sometimes i'll say yes even when i don't want to or i know i won't so the other person doesn't feel bad. i will listen to people vent about their problems for hours on end, even if i don't particularly like the person, and i have a talent for making anyone anywhere feel comfortable. i get pleasure from life's little surprises, like snow days and finding a t-shirt i thought i lost years ago. there have been three instances where i've semi-spontaneously cut my hair and it was the most freeing feeling ever. even people who have known me for years have a hard time complimenting me and i don't know why, but i've been described as being goofy, honest, independent, and brave. i've also been described as having a good heart. i feel bogged down past mistakes i've made and others' opinions and expectations of me. i think people dislike me way more than they actually do and this was made evident to me last year when i read through old forum posts of mine and realized that i'm actually a decent writer, and people liked me a fair bit. i just couldn't see or feel it at the time.
people who don't know me have a tendency to preemptively dislike me, but the ones who are close to me have a relatively high opinion of me, i think. it's astonishing how many times my family members and close friends have said, "but you don't know her like i do!" but i coached soccer a few months back and apparently every single player and parent took a liking to me, which was interesting. i try to be open-minded. i may silently judge others but it's rare that i'll call them out for it, unless they're seriously hurting me, a loved one, or someone i perceive as being incapable of defending themselves. i also try very hard not to say or do things that i think will hurt or offend others, except for when i get angry, because then i'm like rAAaaAaWrRrR. but that doesn't happen very often anymore, if at all. i don't know how much of this is reflective of my real personality and how much of it is just anxiety, insecurity, and depression tainting my perception of myself... unless that is my personality?! but that doesn't make sense because i used to be a very fun(ny) and happy-go-lucky girl a few years ago.
i love kids. i like animals, too, but they freak me out in real life because i never know what they're thinking. i'm unusually skilled at expressing my thoughts when i'm angry, which is funny because most of the time my verbal prose sounds like a bowl of alphabet soup + word salad's love child. my family thinks i'm serious, sensitive, and reserved, but that's not how i feel on the inside. i love reading and i could spend all day on the internet reading about typology, book/movie/show theories, scary stories (creepypasta and r/nosleep), personal blogs of people i'm interested in, and psych/socio/anthro articles. i have no idea what i want to do with my life and i don't think i ever will. i'm usually overcome by inertia and apathy and i put everything off because it's never the right time. my self-care and self-preservation instincts are practically non-existent, as is my memory. there's good things, too, i'm sure of it, but i'm at a loss for them right now.
thank you so much for reading. i will answer any and all questions. type away, strangers from the internet!