Obligations

[Slacker]

Does anyone have a problem with this? Like I don't mind calling my dad, but if it's his birthday and I'm OBLIGATED to call him because of that I don't want to. I do, of course. But for some reason the fact that I am OBLIGATED to call him makes it different, and worse.

Other things too. I like to visit people, but if I feel OBLIGATED to, I have to drag myself there. Only a sense of guilt gets me through these things.

I love to write to people, but writing thank-you notes, an OBLIGATION, is a PITA. Again, I do it anyway because I would hurt people's feelings if I didn't, but I hate having to fulfill obligations.

What is up with that? Why is the same activity either easy and pleasant, or a PITA, based soley on whether it's an obligation?

I know my husband hates having to fulfill obligations too, so I thought maybe it's a Delta thing and not just an ENFp thing.

[Creepy-bg]

I've been fighting this lately. My Dad was in the hospital a few weeks ago for some chest pains, while he was gone I had no problem taking care of everything around the house he normally does, the pool, the yard, whatever. Nobody asked me to do this all. I just felt it was the right thing to do and felt great doing it for him.

Then he got out, and last week started chemo (turns out he's got stage 4 lung cancer) so anyways he feels like shit. He goes and posts this big ESTj list of things to do, with every detail spelled out and my name written across the top with an exclamation point. For some reason I really resent doing those things now. Every time I go to the kitchen and see that list my stomach churns. Now that it's become a spelled out responsibility I'm dragging my feet and hating every minute of it.

Who knows though, I guess there could be some unconsious crap going on over him dying that's making me feel this way... Not quite sure. All I do know is that the last thing I feel like doing now is contributing and doing these chores, and every time I see his list, or get reminded I feel like doing it even less.

[Slacker]

I'm sorry about your dad

[Creepy-bg]

thank you... It's a rough time now. All sorts of planning for his death that's really depressing

We're all praying that the chemo will do something for him, but I guess the cancers gone pretty far, so....

[anndelise]

I have real issues with people making demands on me. Obligations included. I figure I'm only obligated to do something if I said I would do it. Which could be why, when someone asks me to do something, I hem and haw, and end up saying something like, "maybe" or "we'll see".

Once in a while I like to do little things for someone. Like fold my honey's clothes for him, or have dinner waiting for him when he gets home, or playing a game with my daughter, etc. But the moment it becomes expected that I'll do that again, I get all pissy. At that point it is no longer a gift to you, it's an intrusion on me.

This doesn't necessarily imply only others making demands on me. I get like this when I tell myself to do something, as well. Like cleaning house. I'm still in the process of sorting through years of collecting clutter to get rid of what's not truly wanted/needed. When I tell myself that I have to do this, I dig in my heels and absolutely refuse to do it. However, when I ask myself, what do i feel like doing now? do i feel like working on an area? oh sure, i can do this right now.

[schrödinger's cat]

Bionic, I'm sorry about your father.

I'd probably feel the same if my Mum was dying and made me a to-do-list with exclamation points and all. I kind of know for certain that I would because for some years during my teens I had reason to fear she'd die soon. She didn't make me to-do-lists, but she'd pointedly remind me of tasks (tidying up my room esp.), and if helped her with the housework I'd have to do everything exactly the way she'd do it, and I'd also have to do it at the "right time" and with the right equipment. I'd feel like "...don't you trust me to take care of everything without your breathing down my neck like that?! Or am I your servant that you have to control me?" And then I'd feel horribly guilty because she was under so much stress. I'd half decide to just give up my own ideas and do everything the way she wanted it done. The best I could do was to try, get frustrated, feel like I was becoming a soulless clone, rebel, feel guilty, and the whole shit started all over again. Gah, those times sucked.

I'm still not sure how I should have acted, or how I should judge the event now. We were both of us under stress, and it probably made her even more inflexible about straying from the "right way of doing things", so... It was just one of those situations where you shoot yourself in the foot no matter what choice you make.

What works for me is if people tell me the expected result (and explain why they expect it) and then leave me to achieve it on my own.

[duntee]

I am sorry about your dad also Bionicgoat.

I hate obligations. One really horrible example is in the beginning of each semester, the Professors are all like, I have set up a discussion board. You are required to make 3 posts per week on what i say.

When I am required to participate in discussion boards for school, I cringe. I hate it. I also hate for anyone (including myself) to tell me what I must do. It's almost as if part of me is saying "if I don't do it, then what are you going to do?" or something along those lines.

Obligations suck

[Blaze]

that does suck about your dad, BG. your family has my prayers.

SM what is a PITA??

[cracka]

PITA - Pain In The Ass.


edit: also a type of dough for bread.