16Types Adventures: The Origin of Oprah
16types Adventures: The Origin of Oprah
Chapter 1: Monkey Bitchness
Shazaam woke up from his bed with a headache. “Ugh damn I didn’t get enough sleep” the nerd said. He thought about all the different ways he was going to defeat Oprah in order to save the universe. It always came back around to him and Oprah, and now he was probably thinking about Oprah about a quarter as much as Alive thinks about IEIs- which is still way too much.
Oprah was the reason Normies confused hot kinky sex with ‘sexual abuse’ in order to feel more self-righteous. Oprah was the reason Pharisees like Candace Cameron Bure got rewarded with power and true Christians that are actually nice people still work at Family Dollar. Though of course, Oprah can cast a buff spell on both Candace Cameron and a spoiled & perverted gay celebrity like Perez Hilton and get away with it because she’s Oprah. “You both have excellent points” Oprah would say to her audience in an authoritative and faux-respectful voice, while secretly agreeing with Candace a lot more.
Oprah is the reason for Toys R Us closing, as well as any other business that that was actually kind of cool and not stuck up it’s own ass- even though ironically, the reason Toys R Us got shut down was because the investors & CEO were stuck up their own asses. Oprah was the reason for *both* Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Oprah is the reason Tom Cruise is mentally ill and can’t just be gay. Oprah is the reason the insufferable realities of *both* communism and capitalism exists, instead of a system that would actually be helpful to people instead of corrupt, sadistic and/or exploitative.
Oprah may not have take over other dimensions or other galaxies and planets yet, but she had clearly already taken over this shitty world called Earth - and Shazaam must stop her before the entire universe is just devoured by the foul beast. Was there an ‘omniverse’ or just one singular universe? It didn’t matter- and the distinction was silly and pointless, because all the omniverses combined would make a singular universe anyway- and Oprah wants to eat all. Let’s just say there’s one universe and not ‘omniverse’ because we don’t want to be like that silly renamer dragon.
Shazaam gazed out his bedroom window and looked up at the stars. It was about 4 am out and still night out. If Oprah had already won, all those stars would be O-shaped (and would lose their natural luster and instead look like cheap commercial lighting from shitty products you buy at QVC instead of real, God-made light), but for now they were still thankfully just beautiful & normal stars. However, that might change unless Sam/Shazaam got off his ass and did something about it.
Then suddenly, as Sam was walking in the hallway of his house, a magical neon blue monkey appeared in front of him. “I have to take a piss” Shazaam said, the reality of having to empty his bladder took precedence over completing his video game sadly. He seemed surprised by the monkey’s presence but not so surprised that it gave him a heart attack.
The Blue Monkey just laughed. “I can fix that for you” it then threw magical monkey poop on Sam’s crotch, and Shazaam mysteriously didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore.
“Uh-wow. Thanks?” Shazaam said, mildly impressed that magic was still real in the real world. But the creature was not here to really help him.
“Lel, thinking he can save the world like a typical beta manlet” the Monkey said to Shazaam. “How can you defeat Oprah when you are Oprah yourself? You are Oprah- but you are not Prah, whereas the original Oprah is both Oprah and Prah! She always gonna win in an objective way no matter how much you write these silly stories of fag empowerment!” The Monkey said, getting under Shazaam’s skin the way the bullies in high school did.
“You’re Blue Overtone Monkey- my Mayan Astrology type!” Both me and Oprah are Blue Overtone Monkeys… Sam thought to himself.
“Me not just Blue Overtone Monkey. Me Idea of Blue Overtone Monkey!” The magical blue monkey then narcissistically danced, similar to how Greta did in the movie when she had that naive young woman trapped inside the wall.
“So what, you cast a spell so I don’t have to urinate so you could just troll me all day?” Sam said. Even though the Blue Overtone Monkey was a legendary being known as an Idea, he was still small and Sam lived long enough to know the way to handle bullies was just raw bad-ass strength.
He then flicked his hands and tried to blow the Monkey up like Piper on Charmed. Being a moderator on the forum gave him the ability to ban people, and in real life he could also channel this power into molecular combustion.
The Monkey did not explode into atoms, but it did knock him back against the wall and functioned as if the blowing up power was a type of telekinesis. “There’s no need to get violent because you know that me right!” The Monkey said.
Sam soon realized that he wasn’t going to be able to defeat the Monkey by force alone. He sighed and put his hands down. “What the hell you really want?” Shazaam asked. “If Oprah’s rise to power was truly inevitable- why would you be here in the first place?”
“That has always been you problem” the Monkey said. “Me simply just like to rub it in, and you always like to avoid and ignore how sadistic and hurtful the world really is because it hurts ur feelings. U naturally soft-hearted and weak, the real Oprah-world easily kills and eats ppl like u. Ur own molestor told u the same thing before they molested u IRL - remember?” The Monkey then laughed at Shazaam’s pain.
“And you told therapists and Starr Commonwealth social workers- but they just laughed at you again, didn’t they? Or they blamed you completely for ur issues.”
Sam’s jaw dropped at what a sadistic little shit this monkey was. “Why are you being so mean to me?” Sam asked.
“BECAUSE IT’S FUN, DUH!” The Blue Monkey said. “Now u prolly act all self righteous now huh- when look at how u hurt feelings of d str8 women kek kek kek”
Sam tried to snap out of feeling emotionally trolled. He then remembered what he read about Blue Monkeys, how they were weak against ‘Red Dragons’ Sam looked around his house for anything Red Dragon-y to use against the Blue Monkey- but couldn’t find anything.
The Blue Monkey then jumped on Shazaam’s shoulders and started to sadistically pull his on ears and lick his ear lobes although it just felt disgusting and not hot, of course. “Haha, this kinda like wut the boys used to do to u in school didn’t they?” The Monkey said while laughing.
Shazaam tried to whack the monkey off of him but he had 1D Se. Shazaam twirled around and fell on his butt and the monkey creepily and sadistically pulled down his own eyelids. Shazaam screamed out in pain as the Monkey howled with laughter.
“HAHAHAH STRAIGHT BOYS WHO LIKE GAME OF THRONES AND SERIOUS AND GRIMDARK THINGS LOVE ME RIGHT NOW!!!” The Monkey said.
“…Or they feel bad for you, and glad they can finally feel bad for u instead of u self-righteously talking down on them online like some pathetic wannabe SJW!” The Monkey said. “But like Regina Hurt said, u no victim Sam!”
Sam’s heart raced. Was this really how he was going to die? Being trolled and then killed- his eyeballs probably eaten by a sadistic Blue Monkey?
“Get off of him!” Sam suddenly heard the voice of a kind yet powerful female. It was none other fellow Adventurer, Coeruleum Blue. She conjured a psionic image of a Red Dragon that breathed fire on the Monkey. Since Shazaam was also weak against Red Dragon fire, with her other hand she cast a crystalline bubble on Sam that protected him from the fire at the same time it damaged the asshole monkey.
The Idea of Blue Monkey screamed. He was severely weakened and critically injured, but he wasn’t dead.
The Blue Monkey grimaced and scoffed. “Saved by a woman. Even thou u gay- u should still feel humiliated by that like any normal man would” the Monkey said.
Sam’s eyes blinked. “You-you saved my life” Sam said.
“Yeah yeah don’t be getting all sappy on me” Coeruleum Blue said.
“How did you even know I was in trouble?” Sam asked.
“It’s a long story but this” Coeruleum conjured up a magical enchanted mirror in front of Sam. It was life-sized, about 6 foot 5 tall in fact.
“Don’t get freaked out but it kinda allows me to spy on you. I respect your privacy but since we’re connected as Adventurers so I just sensed something was wrong. Because we’re Mirrors in Socionics and I’m White Magnetic Mirror in mayan astrology- and with a little help from the Idea of Mirrors, and well…”
“This change nothing” Blue Overtone Monkey said. “I can troll and tease both of u at same time you know” he then smiled.
Suddenly, a beautiful woman walked out of a portal that was conjured from Coeruleum’s mirror. She was wearing a white top and white leather pop star pants and had on gold wristlets. It was none other than Sam’s favorite pop star, Kylie Minogue!
“HOLY SHIT IT’S KYLIE MINOGUE!” Shazaam said.
Coeruleum Blue just looked at Kylie with a cool indifference. She wasn’t as big a fan as Sam was, but she didn’t want to hurt Shazaam’s feelings either. So she just kind of subtlety looked her up and down.
“I’m not really Kylie Minogue” she said, even though she had Kylie’s same Australian accent. “I was just told to take this form because you would respond to it the most” the Being said.
Sam’s face dropped a little. “Oh. Then who are you?”
“I am Celeste, also known as the Idea of Forgiveness”
“Oh great, another Idea” Coeruleum Blue said.
“Not all Ideas are malevolent. You should know that mate, as the Idea of Mirrors assisted you in your quest to save Shazaam’s life.”
“No, not all Ideas are malevolent. But you are all narcissistically narcissistic - which means you will undoubtedly try to get us to forgive things we shouldn’t forgive” Sam said. “Like pedophilia, mass genocide, and Nickelback concerts.”
“Why not forgive those perceived ailments, since it keeps the grudge-holder in a state of bitter hatred?” The Idea of Forgiveness said.
Sam sighed. Maybe not all Ideas were as evil as other Ideas, but he had about had it with the Ideas- as they were still a source of a lot of what was wrong with the world even though they weren’t as bad as Oprah. “Please just go away” Sam said.
“You must have compassion on the poor Blue Monkey” the Idea of Forgiveness said. “He wasn’t always like this. You were able to forgive your main high school bully- you can forgive the Idea of Overtone Blue Monkey too!”
“Yeah Sam, you better listen to her” the Idea of Blue Overtone Monkey said while trying hard not to smirk.
“Ugh, he’s just saying that so he can continue to bully and tease us” Sam said.
“He might never cease his bullying, but you yourself can also never cease your forgiveness!” The Idea of Forgiveness said.
Sam flicked his hands and tried to blast the Idea of Forgiveness back into the portal from whence it came. Celeste cast a counter-spell at the split second, completely neutralizing Shazaam’s magic. “I forgive that” the Idea of Forgiveness said in a haughty and pretentious way.
Coeruleum Blue conjured a psionic thunderstorm over Celeste’s head. But it fizzled out before it could do any damage. “I forgive that as well” she said.
“YOU CAN’T JUST FORGIVE EVERYTHING!” Sam said. “What about baby rape!”
“I forgive you for being perverted enough to have the Idea of Baby Rape come to mind even though Christian Delta minds wouldn’t have never even thought about it in the first place”, the Idea of Forgiveness said.
“Okay, I gotta admit that was kind of a good passive-aggressive insult” Coeruleum Blue said.
“Yes, you have to forgive even me. You get forgiveness, and you get forgiveness. We all get forgiveness! YOU MUST FORGIVE PRAH. BECAUSE SHE’S GOING TO EAT YOU ALL AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT HAHAHAHHAAHA.”
“Only the Queen O is strong enough to defeat me - and I will forgive her after I’m completely dead and forgotten and eaten, ingested in her intestines” the Idea of Forgiveness said.
The Idea of Forgiveness cackled evilly while it’s red demon-y eyes sparkled. The Idea of Blue Overtone Monkey also laughed with the Idea. The Monkey’s eyes turned red too, even though his body is blue.
“Do not play Victim like you always do” Celeste said. “FORGIVE US INSTEAD.”
The Idea of Blue Overtone Monkey tried to charge after the two Adventurers while they were distracted and emotionally trolled by the evil laughter, but Coeruleum Blue conjured another psionic red dragon near him- this time finally killing him.
“No. You must forgive him instead.” Celeste’s eyes glowed white- and she resurrected the Monkey!”
“Oh shit” Sam said.
“Oh yes…” Celeste said.
“Oh no!” Coeruleum said. “That’s cheating!” Coeruleum took a moment to consult her D&D handbook. “Nevermind. My bad. She does have access to very strong resurrection magic. It’s not cheating.”
“Oh-“ Before the Blue Monkey could finish what he was saying, Coeruleum Blue killed him again with another Psionic Flame Dragon. “-..BLOOOOWWWW!!!” Coeruleum said as the red fire destroyed him.
The Idea of Forgiveness’s eyes glowed campy white again- and Sam knew that she was about to revive the Monkey again. Thinking quickly, he body slammed her against the wall.
“Even if I was cheating, you still must forgive me” Celeste said to Coeruleum.
The Idea then diverted its attention back to Sam. “You should know that it’s wrong to hit women, but I forgive you” The Idea of Forgiveness said.
“Sam, don’t listen to anything she or the Monkey says!” Coeruleum Blue said. “Think… logically. How can we get out of this dangerous loop?” she said.
“Uh- what’s the exact opposite of Forgiveness? Grudge-holding? But no, she will just say ‘You must forgive those who hold grudges against you’ at the same time doing something edgy and trolly.”
A lightbulb popped in Sam’s brain. He thought about something the monkey said before, how he always tried to avoid cruelty too much.
“Hey Cor, conjure one of your mirror portal thingies behind her!” he said to the psionic mage. “Just… trust me.”
“I will forgive you doing that” The Idea of Forgiveness said, being so over the top forgiving that she wasn’t about to see what was coming. She also tried to resurrect the Blue Monkey again while Coeruleum was making the portal, but Sam left hooked her in her face.
Shazaam held out his hands and with all his magical might, he summoned the Idea of Cruelty to pop out of the portal. He knew in his heart, soul and mind that the Idea of Cruelty naturally trumped the Idea of Forgiveness.
The Idea of Cruelty took on the form of legendary straight male porn star Brandon Irons, who was an assassin class. Brandon Irons had two sharp daggers and sadistically and brutally stabbed Celeste in the back of her skull and chest while dry humping her in the butt at the same time.
Sam grimaced at the gory scene. Being a Highly Sensitive Person and an overly sensitive ******, he didn’t enjoy watching that. But he realized that he must forgive even his own empathy. Just not the Idea of Forgiveness, because that would be too much.
Brandon Irons licked his lips. “Get out of the way, I’m not into men. But I am into her- and you’re into me too, aren’t you sweetheart?” Brandon Irons said seductively.
“Okay, I admit he’s kind of hot…” Coeruleum said. “But umm, I don’t want to die and shit!”
Sam tried to TK Brandon Irons back against the portal. Nothing happened, and he inched closer. Coeruleum Blue tried to TK Brandon Irons back in the portal. Nothing happened, and he inched closer.
Coeruleum Blue and Sam looked at one another, and then held their hands together. It felt awkward and heterosexual, but Sam also felt dualized, truly appreciated, and powerful.
“Don’t be afraid to be straight!” Coeruleum said to Sam. Combining their magic together, both heroes were able to swoosh Brandon half-way back into the portal- but with the upper half of his body he held onto the edge of the mirror! Sam looked down on Celeste’s dead grimdark body- in the form of his favorite pop star, then peered into Brandon Iron’s eyes.
“I didn’t do anything wrong, it was all consensual and even if it wasn’t, she would have forgiven me anyway” he said- trying to get Sam to let his guard down so he could get in to rape Coeruleum. “Come on, get out of my way. Don’t be her cuck man.”
Coeruleum Blue and Shazaam tried their hardest to pull him back into the portal, but he just kept hanging on.
“We need even more help!” Sam screamed out, stating the obvious.
Coeruleum thought quickly. Being a straight man, Brandon Irons probably naturally watched a lot of Game of Thrones. ‘Winter is Coming.’ What was the opposite of Winter?
Suddenly, the Idea of Spring wrapped its thick vines around Brandon’s neck from the other side of the Magic Mirror and pulled him back into the portal. Where he could enjoy the wonderful hope and blossoms and bountiful gardens of spring instead of sadistically throat fucking and killing and raping women. For now. Also, the Idea of Things Change made a minor assistance as often times the only thing more powerful than cruelty was to simply stick it out and wait for things to change.
Shazaam and Coeruleum Blue won! Sam and Coeruleum Blue gained 25,000 exp! Coeruleum Blue learns ‘Maliciously Magnetic Mirrors!”
“What? You learned a new power and not me?” Sam said. “Ah well I’m not jelly!” Sam said, even though you could read between the lines and tell that he was very jealous.
Sam looked both around and down. The portals were gone, the Blue Monkey was gone- but Celeste’s dead body was still in his hallway. “What the hell are we gonna do with this?” Sam said.
“I uh- could use some kinda Psionic cleaning spell. Or something, I guess…”
Sam thought about something. “No wait….” He leaned over. He looked into Kylie’s eyes. Surprisingly, they opened.
“It’s the real Kylie!” Sam said.
“Sh- she took over my body” Kylie said. “It was part of the deal I made with the Illuminati to become famous. I had to become possessed by the Idea. But you- you always sensed that I was a good person regardless” Kyle said.
“I…oh my god!”
“Don’t get too happy Sam. I’m still dying” Kylie Minogue said. “But I wanted you to remind you of who you are… you’re a Bard, because the DnD test told you so. And you’re also one of my biggest fans.”
Sam felt Kylie’s body slowly fading away- and seeping into his own essence.
“No! I don’t want to absorb you like some cruel monster!” Sam said.
“That’s not wh-what is happening” Kylie said, gurgling out some blood. “I am offering myself to you. I will live on.. forever… through you… I can give you more power, to help you in your quest to destroy Prah, and to *coughs out more blood* … save the universe.”
“I… but I don’t want to lose you” Sam said. Coeruleum Blue just looked at same compassionately. She didn’t have many healing or supportive abilities, but she did have a spell called ‘Have Compassion!’
“You did more than you know by defeating the Idea of Forgiveness” Kylie Minogue said. “Because whilst forgiveness is a virtue on paper, Oprah was using it as part of how she always gets away with being a narci….”
Before Kylie could finish that word, her eyes closed, and she passed away.
Sam learned all of Kylie Minogue’s Pop Song spells. Sam also received the Bard weapon “Pretty Bow.” There was a note attached on the weapon. Sam opened it and read it. ‘And remember Sam, the bow is better left untied. /hides’ it was a message from Inumbra!
“Wow, the ability to transform into Kylie Minogue drag any time you want” Coeruleum Blue said. “Just what every gay boy dreams of…”
“Yeah I’m no longer jealous” Sam said happily. He looked at his new weapon and also felt more powerful and manly. It was pink and yellow and green and looked gay but dangerous at the same time. It came with 7 arrows, each representing the colors of the rainbow.
“Hmm I wonder what ‘Maliciously Magnetic Mirrors’ does” Coeruleum said.
He put his arm around his friend and the two walked outside of his house, to begin the next stage of their adventure.
Shazaam still felt kinda sad, because Kylie Minogue really did die- but it was a necessary sacrifice to stop Oprah.
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Originally Posted by Shazaam
