Can you teach me how to be more likeable?
Seriously after 5-10 minutes, I'm done with anyone. I dont think this is good for me in the long run, they either think I'm boring or an asshole. Actually, I dont even know what they think of me but I seriously dont believe I'm likeable. Can someone fix me please ?
In theorhy at least I should have some duals that would like me. But there seems to be none lol
well why do they think you're an asshole?
CETERUM AUTEM CENSEO WASHINGTON D.C. ESSE DELENDAM
basically there are 3 things to make people like you.
(1) understand body language. if you fold your arms you are looking defensive, smile (when appropriate), proper eye contact, etc. if someone is speaking to you and you look away and fold your arms then they probably won't like you. give cues during speech, nods, "mhm" etc. do not just stare at people coldly.
(2) be interested in people. be interested in what they have to say, what they think, who they are, what they do or have done. my maxim is that every person, even the most stupidest moron, has at least one useful thing to say at least once. try to find it. if you look and sound and speak as if u are not interested in other people, they won't like you. the absolute best way to get people to like you and to do things for you is to treat them as if you are genuinely interested in them as people. be warm and personal.
(3) be nice to people. be positive -- portray things in a positive way, compliment them, be polite (manners are important). people appreciate and understand when you are doing something for them. find the good things and bring them up. practice self deprecation -- big up other things around you, but do not big yourself up, treat yourself with respect, but be humble.
to be "not boring" is different -- you can't (and shouldn't!) please all people all the time. some ideas...
(1) learn what people like. this gets easier over time. make some effort to find out what people like and engage them with it. do this by talking about properties of things, not actual things -- and ask open questions. for example: not "do you like sherlock holmes" but "what kind of shows do you watch?" you will kill conversation by asking too many closed questions and you will seem boring because you only ask about hings that you like rather than being able to engage people about things they like.
(2) have an opinion. that doesn't mean forcing things on other people or telling them they're wrong, but you should be able to offer your point of view on things. you should be able to discern when people are ready to take your point of view -- if someone is ranting about their ex, you can't say "well what if he was actually a good guy and youre in the wrong" if you don't really know them well.
(3) stay up on things. read news, follow current events, understand trends; music, fashion, art, literature. be bold with your statements too. exaggerate.
these rules are mainly for people who you don't know so much. the more you know someone, the less important they are. really though the most important thing is being able to read other people.
CETERUM AUTEM CENSEO WASHINGTON D.C. ESSE DELENDAM
People usually like assholes more then they like people who want to be likeable so I'm not sure what to tell you.
Don't worry about being liked or not. It's varied and it changes.
Just have courage and be kind. What Cinderella's mommy told her or whatever. It is inspiring advice to me because when most people think of being kind- they think it means sacrificing courage or will- but put the two together.
People like those ones which like and respect them. That's the secret.
Also read about rapport.
To change the situation this needs efforts from you. For example, you may use the technics.
- Choose the one you want to have better relations or more mutual sympathy with.
- Imagine like you get beatifully shining ball of loving energy from God/Universe/Sky/.., which goes through your head (crown spot) and gatheres in your solar plexus. You've gotten additional energy by this way.
- Now you imagine the other human, he's smiling to you like to friend (our conscious social relations are below the level where all humans are like brothers, equal and making one task)
- Transfer him your loving energy from solar plexus to his one and see like it makes to feel him better
- Now you get same part of his energy to your solar plexus, it differ from yours and helps to feel what he feels, to see the world by his eyes
- Imagine and feel both of you as parts of one. (Other people may be added there too.)
- Now you are in raport with him. Your communication may become better, with more co-feeling.
The method above uses unconscious. By regular training you may change the situation. At the beggining, like with physical exercises, it may be harder.
The problem is that you by nonverbal behavior show aversion to others. They feel it and in return act similarly to you. When you are in rapport - an other percieve you as friendly one.
make typing thread with video and we'll try to help with thisOriginally Posted by Mr inappropriate
In theorhy at least I should have some duals that would like me. But there seems to be none lol
What Sol is saying could be true, I'm probably showing aversion to others by nonverbal behavior. Its not an apperant thing though, like having arms crossed or staring coldly.
Butt yeah pff ... I was also drunk so.
Thanks for the advices
Be a good listener and supportive" Listen , listen, reiterated some of their key points that you agree with" hug show affection and kindness
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Dual type(as per tcaudilllg)
Enneagram 5 (wings either 4 or 6)?
I'm constantly looking to align the real with the ideal.I've been more oriented toward being overly idealistic by expecting the real to match the ideal. My thinking side is dominent. The result is that sometimes I can be overly impersonal or self-centered in my approach, not being understanding of others in the process and simply thinking "you should do this" or "everyone should follor this rule"..."regardless of how they feel or where they're coming from"which just isn't a good attitude to have. It is a way, though, to give oneself an artificial sense of self-justification. LSE
Best description of functions:
http://socionicsstudy.blogspot.com/2...functions.html
1. Maintain good eye contact (helps build connection and empathy)
2. Try not to think ahead but be present to the moment (spontaneous humor is better than planned humor)
3. Allow moments of silence (avoid filling in silences, it's okay if you don't have something to say).
4. Don't force yourself to be interesting/entertaining (screw that, its exhausting lol)
5. With #4 above in mind, it's better to be interested than interesting (That means actually listening and stfu rather than thinking about what you want to say, like the Maritsa suggested).
6. Be yourself, you're already enough. (as cliché as that sounds, it's true. express your personality and be authentic. just be your best self lol)
Last edited by Computer Loser; 10-18-2016 at 03:14 PM.
why do you want people to like you?
i think it's pretty simple really.
if you want be approachable, allow yourself to be approached. if you don't, then allow yourself to reject. you can do this by like drawing to you, or pushing out?
if you want people to like you, like them. if people sit down, sit down with them. if they stand, stand with them. if you want to go somewhere with someone then invite them
Likeable is a terrible word, same as nice. Being likeable is very easy - just be as innofensive as possible, always in a good mood, smile a lot, keep your negative opinions to yourself, be up for stuff, ask questions about people more than talk about yourself, never show arrogance, touch people a lot (wait, dont that as a guy lol), have friendly body language (eye contact, no crossed arms bla bla). Imo, if everybody likes you it means you have no personality.
That said, being interesting and impressive is much harder. By your personality it's probably unrealistic you're going to suddenly wake up and be this people's person totalize described, so you should take baby steps and incorporate at least the basic human decency into your approach : P It's difficult to say "be interested in people" if you're not and most people are indeed boring - but you at the very east least shouldn't be dissmissive, snarky, just stare at them or walk off.
For you, the most important thing is to be able to find some common ground in conversations with different people and in case you're not interested in the convo pretend that you are, stick around and ask questions (not weird ones) - keep the conversation going otherwise people are going to think you're boring or autistic. The other thing you should never do is go on long tangents about things nobody cares about, that's a sure way people will get sick of you. As total said, it's important to read up on current events and as you're a guy probably keep up on sports, new cars and such boring stuff: ) What are the topics you are interested in? Do you have problems relating to any particular group of people (coworkers, girls,....) or all strangers?
So what are you, a bore or an asshole? It's always a possibility to be bothI think you just have to find people you click with and be yourself around them.Till then, you have to at least give people a chance by not shutting them off, so you don't destroy all social capital for yourself (especially important at work!). Also, some people can later pleasantly surprise you and you can become friends after awhile of being exposed to them and faking it through.
And remember, if you don't have haters you're doing it wrong.
Hm... I get the issue. Hope I can help you out (so you can help yourself, that's the point of advice). As with all problems, the root is being stuck in the ego zone. Empathy is key. Read David Foster Wallace - This is Water.
Also:
I wouldn't go quite as far as to say 'terrible' but I see what you're getting at. I never liked being told I was 'nice' even though the vast majority would perceive me that way. 'Nice' is just generic, it isn't interesting, it doesn't make you stand out. It's like someone couldn't think of anything better to say about you.
I want to be liked by everyone though AND have personality! Good luck with that happening.
I kind of have mixed feelings about that. Again I see what you're getting at here. You can't please everyone nor should you have to. If you are going to truly be yourself there are always going to be some that don't like that. On the other hand I feel uneasy about the idea that if we don't have haters we are doing something wrong, as if having haters is a *good thing* I don't think having haters is a good thing. Ideally, we could fully be ourselves and not have any haters. Let's just say having some haters is an unfortunate consequence that sometimes happens.And remember, if you don't have haters you're doing it wrong.
Also maybe the haters ought to learn more tolerance as well.
LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP
Why would that be ? I'm also considering ILE-Ti but I see myself more close to LSI . My enneagram is 125 btw if that means anything, lol.
Seriously after 5-10 minutes, I'm done with anyone. I dont think this is good for me in the long run, they either think I'm boring or an asshole. Actually, I dont even know what they think of me but I seriously dont believe I'm likeable. Can someone fix me please ?
In theorhy at least I should have some duals that would like me. But there seems to be none lol
To be a likeable person, one has to be kind and genuine. Being kind means having pure intentions at all times, and being genuine means being yourself at all times.
Having pure intentions means to act in consistent with your values even if there is nobody watching you. For example, if you see your enemy having a heart attack and their medicine is in their bag and they couldn't reach it and there is nobody else except you around at that time, being a person with pure intentions means that you will save their lives by passing them their medicine. Despite how there is nobody around watching your actions at the time, being a person with pure intentions, you know that you wouldn't be able to live with your conscience if you were to watch your enemy die in front of you, hence, you chose to save your enemy's life.
Being yourself at all times means to always stay true to yourself regardless of what others think about you. For example, someone dislike your walking style, and they criticized you behind your back. Being true to yourself in this situation would be to ignore their criticisms because their criticisms are just so shallow and superficial and you don't see any reason why you should change your walking style for them especially when your walking style isn't harming anyone and there is no logical reason why you should change it.
And I also wanna emphasize here that there is a huge difference between how a person presents themselves on the surface vs their true personality. You can be cold and aloof on the surface, or you can be warm and friendly on the surface, but at the end of the day, it's not these masks that makes people like you, but it's your inner soul that makes people like you. Humans are naturally intuitive beings, they can easily tell who is a good or bad person, and if they sense that you are a good person, they will like you.
Last but not least, always treat people the way you want to be treated. Never treat people the same way they treated you, but instead, treat people the way you want to be treated. If someone is being an asshole to you, this doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to them back, but instead, you should continue to be kind to them because you want to be treated kindly. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. Fire cannot extinguish fire, you need water to extinguish the fire.
It's almost like you value bothI wouldn't go quite as far as to say 'terrible' but I see what you're getting at. I never liked being told I was 'nice' even though the vast majority would perceive me that way. 'Nice' is just generic, it isn't interesting, it doesn't make you stand out. It's like someone couldn't think of anything better to say about you.
I want to be liked by everyone though AND have personality! Good luck with that happening.
Just go up to people and give them hugs. If they don't like it, they are lying and you should hug them harder. If they hit you, they are really lying and you should just keep hugging them. Trust me.
Are you ESE or something?
Are you ESE or something?
Stop giving a shit about what other people think about you & be a good enough person that you dont fuck people over to benefit yourself. Accomplish those two things and everything is possible.
Projection is ordinary. Person A projects at person B, hoping tovalidate something about person A by the response of person B. However, person B, not wanting to be an obejct of someone elses ego and guarding against existential terror constructs a personality which protects his ego and maintain a certain sense of a robust and real self that is different and separate from person A. Sadly, this robust and real self, cut off by defenses of character from the rest of the world, is quite vulnerable and fragile given that it is imaginary and propped up through external feed back. Person B is dimly aware of this and defends against it all the more, even desperately projecting his anxieties back onto person A, with the hope of shoring up his ego with salubrious validation. All of this happens without A or B acknowledging it, of course. Because to face up to it consciously is shocking, in that this is all anybody is doing or can do and it seems absurd when you realize how pathetic it is.
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