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Thread: ESE friend needs serious help

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Default ESE friend needs serious help

    I have an ESE friend who needs help getting over a bad relationship. She was married to an SLI and they did not work out, then they got a divorce years ago. He's moved on (I don't know her type), while my ESE friend can't stop talking about him. What do I do. What do I say. I need to find a way to help her so that she can get over him and find someone awesome.

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    squark's Avatar
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    People hold onto relationships for different reasons. She needs to find out what her reasons are for holding on before she can let go. He gave her something that she is now missing - what is it?

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by squark View Post
    People hold onto relationships for different reasons. She needs to find out what her reasons are for holding on before she can let go. He gave her something that she is now missing - what is it?
    Sex.

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    squark's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    Sex.
    Well, I suppose she just needs to get laid then.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by squark View Post
    Well, I suppose she just needs to get laid then.
    Si. That particular kind is what sunk in for her and she has tried to with others that was not as satisfying and as a result of all that keeps referring back to blaming him for leaving her.

    The contact is dead set in her head like a drug.

    Maybe she can benefit from drug counseling

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    Queen of the Damned Aylen's Avatar
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    I don't really know what to tell you. :/ I think it just needs to run it's course. It is not easy, at least for me, to get with someone else when I am not over another person. That saying, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new" that doesn't work for me. I have tried it and I just end up feeling gross after and more miserable. It is hard to replace people if you care about them. I can't believe it is just the sex she is missing since it is this hard for her.

    I guess it is good she talks about it. I think a therapist might be helpful though. I know you want to be a good friend but eventually it is going to take a toll on you if you are always having to listen but can't help.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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    squark's Avatar
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    If it was just sex, then getting laid would solve it. Even if it wasn't Si sex or whatever. Kind of like if you're hungry, most foods are good.

    If you're looking for the perfect strawberry cake made just the right way exactly like your grandmother's recipe or something - it's not hunger that's driving you. And I don't think it's sex that's driving her. Know what I mean?

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    24601 ClownsandEntropy's Avatar
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    Pre-emptive disclaimer: I'm no expert

    I think you need to be clear to her continuing to think and talk about her ex isn't in her best interests. If she's not ready to completely let go of him, that's her choice. By letting her know what you actually think, you're telling her you're there if she wants to try to get over him. Meanwhile, you can be a friend and support her. That doesn't mean endorsing her decision, it just means being there as a friend to hear her.

    If she is ready to let go of him, I think par for the course is distraction. Your brain gets fixed into habits, and so unless she does different things, her brain will keep strengthening the pattern of thinking about her ex.
    Warm Regards,



    Clowns & Entropy

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    @Rebelondeck what do you think?
    @Megane

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    Rebelondeck's Avatar
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    Maritsa,

    ESTjs have to find the logical rationale as to why. Once they truly get the logic, they can easily move on. But first, they have to talk and talk and talk and talk about it. It's the emotion that they're trying to quantify. I would suggest group discussions (the more the merrier) which includes at least one NT friend. Let the ESTj take charge - as if you could stop that......

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    Maritsa,

    ESTjs have to find the logical rationale as to why. Once they truly get the logic, they can easily move on. But first, they have to talk and talk and talk and talk about it. It's the emotion that they're trying to quantify. I would suggest group discussions (the more the merrier) which includes at least one NT friend. Let the ESTj take charge - as if you could stop that......

    a.k.a. I/O
    She's ESFj

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    She's ESFj
    Maritsa,

    Sorry about that, sometimes INTjs can't see while looking. The situation is easier she needs an INTj friend because she has become an INTj for the while.....

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebelondeck View Post
    Maritsa,

    Sorry about that, sometimes INTjs can't see while looking. The situation is easier she needs an INTj friend because she has become an INTj for the while.....

    a.k.a. I/O
    Yes. I know. It's the same with me. It's called Ne rather than Se.

    How am I going to find her an INTj friend?

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    Rebelondeck's Avatar
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    Maritsa,

    I am cryptic today. Usually, ESFjs become withdrawn and reflective under stress like an INTj so she has to be talked to as if she is one. She is searching for something that is quantifiable, a logic to things.....

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Rebelondeck's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    Yes. I know. It's the same with me. It's called Ne rather than Se.

    How am I going to find her an INTj friend?
    Maritsa,

    It's not Ne versus Se, it's out rationalization taking precedence - open-loop thinkers

    Any friend that can easily produce intuitive logic will do.

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Rebelondeck's Avatar
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    I meant "our" not "out"

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    Why did they get a divorce in the first place?
    Quote Originally Posted by jxrtes View Post
    betas should be kept in zoos for children to stare and throw pop corn at.

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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    Why did they get a divorce in the first place?
    He lost his job, got lazy around the house but what broke the camels back was her loud and expressive Fe nature. She would scream at him and belittle him for not contributing in every day house work.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    .......She would scream at him and belittle him for not contributing in every day house work.
    The fact that he lost his job would likely take the wind out of his sails; the belittlement would sink the SLI, especially if he were depressed and thought he deserved the screaming. If he didn't, it would enrage him. Either way, gasoline won't put out a fire.

    a.k.a. I/O

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    Maybe going out and making friends would help her move on. She may use her charm and get into another relationship.

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