***I apologise for any spelling errors and what not in advance, no matter how many times i proof-read something, there always seems to be something wrong, so annoying ***
Hello everybody, so recently i've been "trying to understand myself" (ughhhh i hate statements like that, they make me sound so cliche ) and i've noticed very specific traits when i comes to my feelings and expressing my emotions. In particular anger, irritation and annoyance.
Personally i feel like the way i express anger is very interesting and kind of weird. If i'm being honest right now, i cant really tell you what make me upset and angry. Ask me that question in real life, you'll get a very blank, shy response of me saying "i don't know", so rather than that i'll just tell you about one of my stories in my deep treasure bank of experiences .
So basically once, my mother was looking for a new hairstyle and i offered to help her, i don't want to brag, but i'm kind of good with hair. . My dad and his big mouth said " what can you do with hair, i wonder how that's going to turn out" at that very moment i just looked at him and walked out the room... that was the crucial moment. I WAS FUMMMMMING , nothing could compare with how that simple comment of his felt, anything anybody wanted to say to calm me down wouldn't have worked, this is the weird bit, gear yourselves in. I didn't open my mouth and address it there and then ( what is wrong with me ) that anger that i was meant to blast his ass with was swallowed down into my heart, that one comment just ruined my whole mood, i just waked out the room and sat on my bed and started contemplating my whole life, my muva who is really good with emotions noticed how i was feeling,even though i didn't blast my dad my whole attitude and demeanour showed much more emotions than any words, even my dad (who is terrible at reading emotions) realised the foolery he said, by that time which was roughly 5 minutes later i ran through the situation again ( lol, this point links to my social discomfort thread where i said i reply events again and again to analyse it ) and i was thinking why would he say something like that, then i put an answer to it, "he might have said that as a joke, he didn't mean it in an offensive way, he's a very direct person " by doing that i eventually got over it which was in the space of 5 minutes, i didn't care about it any more mainly because i thought of alternative reasons as to why he said that and i needed to watch YouTube videos ,do you get what i mean ? when my wonderful mother spoke to him about it, and made him realise his erroneous ways he said sorry to me, the sorry at that moment didn't matter , because i didn't care, i said it was "ok" and was back to my usual chatty self, but i didn't forget what happened, so i brought it up and then blasted him after i've finished going through my feeling in private, the blasting was along the lines of "why did you say that ?! Would you have liked it if i said that to you" and so on (oh yeah, i have a rather loud voice so it usually seems like i'm shouting when i'm not ) But now my dad feels like i'm still upset and he says "im sorry" again, then i kind of play with his emotions by pretending to me more hurt than i actually am, and start annoying him which makes him keep saying sorry then i make it visible that i have forgiven him even though i've forgiven him 1 hour ago in my heart. Sometimes i get over it so quickly that i forget what i'm upset about so i have to make up something lol.
So basically this is how anger manifests in my case. Someone says something hurtful, i become angry by going really quiet, i analyse the situation as to why it was said and so on, find an answer, then i forgive them, however i don't forget about it, then i bring it up even though i don't really care, then wait for an emotion response, then finally show them i've forgiven them.
When i'm annoyed and irritated:
someone says something that annoys and irritates me my reaction is instant, but that's becasue i don't really care or feel it, although i do care to a degree, it doesn't bother me enough to deeply think about it, its just trivial so i'm more vocal about it (i don't know why), but as i said i have a loud voice, so people usually think i'm serious and passionate about something when that's really not the case.
so overall, its like the deeper the insult or annoyance the less external manifestations is has becasue i really need to ruminate in my internal state, however its the other way around when something is very trivial and doesn't hold much importance to me, im quite expressive.
so what do you think about this guys ?