I've always told myself that I liked and wanted to be surrounded by other poeple and that because I was so different I just couldn't fit in. But now I start realizing that the reason why I would always end up alone and lonely is because it is what I really want deep down.
It's likeI love making other people feel good, it makes me feel better; but I can't stand them having an impact on me, even when it's positive. As soon as I start feeling like my well-being begins to depend on somedy else I start feeling bad. I want to feel good, but most of all I want to be the one making myself feel good. Does this sounds stupid? I'm starting to feel like I'm really selfish. Whenever I go out to parties I end up dancing with myself. It's weird because I enjoy partying with "friends" (or let's say people I know of), but as soon as I'm really drunk I just wish they weren't there. Dancing with them just starts feeling meaningless and even annoying, so I just set myself apart from the group and start dancing alone, like if nobody else was there. That's not it. I do like going to parties but I also like drinking alone in my room while listening to music thinking about a whole bunch of stuff. Most people find that to be weird; I don't know if I should agree with them or not. The worst thing about it is that once I am drunk, the feelig is very similar to the one that I exprerience when I dance alone surrounded by my mates. Maybe it is the same; all I know is that I like it.
Do you guys think this is related to Ni, I think it is. It's like the only times my Ni isn't looked down upon is when I'm drunk, alone,listening to music and thinking. The outter wolrd and the people living in it just think of me as lazy, incapable of doing even the most simple things; and even I, when i'm sober, can get mad at myself for daydreaming.
Despite all of that I'm still seen as a very social person, very funny and all that, but that's just because I constantly feel like I have to make the effort to be pleasant; whenever I'm not it feels like I'm not being myself. Seems like I'm cought in some typical IEI kind of blues lol. Has anyone experienced such feelings? Is there something I can work on in order to be "happier" when I'm being the social person that I feel like I have to be? I've never been dualized. Maybe it has something to do with this?
I feel like I'm overthinking everything. Maybe I should stop caring and start accepting myself, my strenghts and my weaknesses; but how does one do that? I've read that a lot of INFP are E4. Do you think it has to do with the fact that NI is kind of looked down on in our society? How do you embrace your leading fonction when the people around you feel like it's weird and pretty damn useless? What use do you think Introverted Intuition can have for the common good?