EIE men and "playfully" leaving bruises

[SongOfSapphire]

I am curious about a guy who I think is probably EIE. He's very charming and people tend to like him, and he is smooth in the way I think of EIEs being, but I wonder....

One thing he does that I find weird is, he "playfully" pokes and even hits at his girlfriend, sometimes leaving bruises. It is never out of anger (that I know of, though I have seen him lose his temper which is really something), but just weirdly rough and he doesn't stop even when she tells him she is annoyed. Se-seeking, maybe?

Is this just an EIE looking for an LSI put him in his place, somehow, or is he just an oddball and this is ntr? I'm curious about how an LSI would handle it....

[mu4]

I am curious about a guy who I think is probably EIE. He's very charming and people tend to like him, and he is smooth in the way I think of EIEs being, but I wonder....

One thing he does that I find weird is, he "playfully" pokes and even hits at his girlfriend, sometimes leaving bruises. It is never out of anger (that I know of, though I have seen him lose his temper which is really something), but just weirdly rough and he doesn't stop even when she tells him she is annoyed. Se-seeking, maybe?

Is this just an EIE looking for an LSI put him in his place, somehow, or is he just an oddball and this is ntr? I'm curious about how an LSI would handle it....

I read in this book(which golden recommended) that pokes are abuser related, it's one of the behavioral signs.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...ie=UTF8&btkr=1

https://books.google.com/books?id=xE...ncroft&f=false

Red flags imo if there are bruises, actual marks. I'm not sure what the situation is but it could be he's getting back at her for something he's dissatisfied about or getting attention in a inappropriate manner.

On a side note you can also listen to Anna Kendrick.



I think tickling/poking are boundary breaking things, control testing tactics, if someone keeps doing it after you ask them to stop(and you really mean it), they don't respect your boundaries or what you want.

[Hays]

The person who 'playfully' poked me as a teenager suffered from Klinefelter Syndrome. Really it wasn't playful but aggressive like as in always hurting of my body and having no respect for me as an individual. More like a wanting me as an object to enhance themselves in some way. A knowing maybe that I would take the abuse given.
I have been 'playfully' poked to a lesser degree by a male with a likely case of slight Asperger's Syndrome and a female who suffers from issues regarding Bipolar Disorder and jealousy of others and their items.
So overall I think more of a health condition than related to type as of the three above one is likely ESFp, another EXFp and one I am still unsure of.

Why would one do this to another but for an abuse, control, a desire to take advantage of or lack of empathy.

Adding that all three clearly liked me so did it as some sort of affection but I also think there were control aspects as it's quite aggressive and takes a bit to get them to stop the actions.

With two of them I received regular bruising. With one I had to do the same back to them at least once to get them to stop these actions whilst vocally asking them did they like someone doing it to them and telling them that's how it felt every time they did it to me and showed them that it left me with bruises and that I didn't want them to do it ever again.
This person only occasionally ever pokes me now usually on the the hand, arm or back whereas it used to be more on the top of the leg or hip area and I just have to quietly say that it hurts me and they stop and apologise and explain that they are just trying to get my attention.
They still however sqeeze my hand to most uncomfortable degrees and don't pick up on any dislike or discomfort from myself...so still bruises occur...I just remove my hand from the situation.

[GuavaDrunk]

Fwiw even when I really amp up the annoying playfulness I've always stopped short of causing actual hurt, be it physical or mental.

[SongOfSapphire]

Thanks for the replies. A part of me is glad it doesn't seem to be type-related....

It is a very weird "quirk" in someone who is generally so charming, socially.

[marooned]

it seems a little childish, but only if it's crudely affectionate (and not actually abusive as @mu4 suggested). little kids do stuff like this and i think it's usually for their own amusement and they just don't understand yet that sometimes other people don't like being pestered (or they don't fully understand what it is to pester someone). when adults chastise them it may not help if they can't understand why yet. maybe it just takes a few experiences of being pestered themselves to actually find intrinsic motivation not to do it to others. were it not for the bruises, i really would think this was a maturity thing (people are really still growing up in their 20s for instance)... but i mean you would think you would notice when you regularly bruise another person and feel bad about it? (especially when that person says they don't like being treated that way.)

[wacey]

What does the girlfriend do?

[darya]

I do this when I'm bored or feeling playful - roughly pinching and poking guys, harshly grabing their thighs out of the blue or smacking their butt. It's meant so they would do the same to me or just to relieve the pent up tension I'm feeling. It's always a sign I like someone (I used to do it to close friends when younger) and it's never meant in an abusive way.

[Eliza Thomason]

I do this when I'm bored or feeling playful - roughly pinching and poking guys, harshly grabing their thighs out of the blue or smacking their butt. It's meant so they would do the same to me or just to relieve the pent up tension I'm feeling. It's always a sign I like someone (I used to do it to close friends when younger) and it's never meant in an abusive way.

Hmm, this makes sense, and does not sound abusive. Perhaps when its playful and not in the abuser realm, its Agressor/Victim romantic play, which would maybe puzzle a Caretaker/Child type.

[Narc]

I know an LSI that sometimes does this. It seems strange to me, but it doesn't ooze any sort of sinister intent.

[Aylen]

I do this when I'm bored or feeling playful - roughly pinching and poking guys, harshly grabing their thighs out of the blue or smacking their butt. It's meant so they would do the same to me or just to relieve the pent up tension I'm feeling. It's always a sign I like someone (I used to do it to close friends when younger) and it's never meant in an abusive way.

Yeah, as a fellow beta, I also do stuff like this. We see it as a form of affection, not harassment.

I always grab the ass of the guy I'm dating, somewhat to mess with them, but mostly because I like butts.

Taunting, poking, ass grabbing/slapping, or light pinching, leg sweeping, kicking, scissor locking them, etc... Only playfully with someone who "fights" back though and likes it. Never hard enough to actually hurt or get hurt (although I have been hurt a little in rough play). What makes it funny is that I am not very big and I kinda like to be picked up and thrown over someone's shoulder then thrown on the bed hard enough that I bounce back up a little. Wrestling on the bed is fun (non-sexual kind). I like running away and being chased after provoking. It's amusing to others when I am basically using all my strength and they play along but hold me down. I bite too but never hard, just enough to be let up. I like that exhausted feeling when I wear myself out and I finally give up too. Sometimes I get an urge to bite a guy I really like, gently. I don't always do it.

I would not like it if someone did it when I wasn't in the mood but I usually start it. It is not something I would want to do all the time. It seems to happen when I have excess energy and can't find another way to release it.

[ashlesha]

Let's differentiate between playfully roughing around and repeatedly continuing to hurt someone who clearly doesn't like it.

[SongOfSapphire]

Let's differentiate between playfully roughing around and repeatedly continuing to hurt someone who clearly doesn't like it.

This.



Also, I don't really think he does what he does w malice, but he is violating a boundary she clearly would rather he didn't violate. That part, the boundary-violating, is not type-related, I think, unless it's what a healthy Se-valuing type would do, too, but it sounds like it's not. That's what I was curious about, I guess -- would an EIE so want to play rough that they would tend to push it even if it wasn't welcome. Anyway, maybe an LSI or fellow Beta woman would love it and it wouldn't be an issue (I don't venture to guess the gf's type).

He is a little off in other ways, albeit charming. For example, he is pretty narcissistic. So I guess like I said he is an oddball, which supercedes sociotype.

[Pole]

Here's what would happen if my partner pulled that shit and bruised me, dual or not: I would sucker punch him in the fucking dick.

[Satan]

you guys talk a lot. it's in man's nature to do things such as rough-housing a bit. bruises heal. different people can take different things to different extremes. some people like to fuck with people emotionally, some psychologically, some mentally, some physically... it's all the same shit at the end of the day, just in different forms.

[Beautiful sky]

What did I miss? Oh, if he tickles you he didn't listen to you or didn't hear you. If you don't like it say it again, if you do enjoy.

[Myst]

I am curious about a guy who I think is probably EIE. He's very charming and people tend to like him, and he is smooth in the way I think of EIEs being, but I wonder....

One thing he does that I find weird is, he "playfully" pokes and even hits at his girlfriend, sometimes leaving bruises. It is never out of anger (that I know of, though I have seen him lose his temper which is really something), but just weirdly rough and he doesn't stop even when she tells him she is annoyed. Se-seeking, maybe?

Is this just an EIE looking for an LSI put him in his place, somehow, or is he just an oddball and this is ntr? I'm curious about how an LSI would handle it....

It's in part about getting put in place, or so I perceive it yes, but what specific behaviour that shows in, like the above about going so far as to cause bruises, that would have to be affected by other factors beyond type itself, though it may play out through the type functions.

Also, I don't really think he does what he does w malice, but he is violating a boundary she clearly would rather he didn't violate. That part, the boundary-violating, is not type-related, I think, unless it's what a healthy Se-valuing type would do, too, but it sounds like it's not. That's what I was curious about, I guess -- would an EIE so want to play rough that they would tend to push it even if it wasn't welcome. Anyway, maybe an LSI or fellow Beta woman would love it and it wouldn't be an issue (I don't venture to guess the gf's type).

I wouldn't tolerate it if it overstepped boundaries that I set up for various situations.. including close romantic relationship. It's not exactly my dream being hit like that. To put it mildly. But if it's just poking, it can be fun provocation. I've had to make it clear before what's OK and what's not OK but that's fine.

[Myst]

@Myst as an LSI, how would you usually deal with whining or adult temper tantrums from someone close to you?

Specifics depend on the situation but logic and staying unfazed have a large part in it.

[Pole]

I read in this book(which golden recommended) that pokes are abuser related, it's one of the behavioral signs.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00...ie=UTF8&btkr=1

https://books.google.com/books?id=xE...ncroft&f=false

Red flags imo if there are bruises, actual marks. I'm not sure what the situation is but it could be he's getting back at her for something he's dissatisfied about or getting attention in a inappropriate manner.

On a side note you can also listen to Anna Kendrick.



I think tickling/poking are boundary breaking things, control testing tactics, if someone keeps doing it after you ask them to stop(and you really mean it), they don't respect your boundaries or what you want.

True. I once kicked a doctor for ticking me. I said stop and he wouldn't stop. I HATE being tickled, people that love to tickle people even tho they protested have issues. I love that scene in Louie when Louis C.K. is getting tickled by a supermodel and she doesn't stop and he accidentally elbows her in the eye and permanently damaging her looks thus ruining her modeling career. That's what you get bitch, stay in your lane hahaha. Anyway, men who tickle me get kicked to the curb. It's not funny.

[wacey]

@Myst as an LSI, how would you usually deal with whining or adult temper tantrums from someone close to you?

Whining you mock, make fun off, and ignore. Address the topic, make changes where you can, I don't know its so situation specific.

Temper tantrums you meet head on, you listen and stand your ground, and you keep caring about them because, you care about them. When the right moment comes you tease them like saying "no one puts baby in a corner" or something equally funny. If they are not someone you really care much for then its ok to ignore.


If its a real issue, not a fly by night issue, then there are deep hurts inside his/her head. Letting him/her feel them and not running off is like 2/3 the battle.
I _______ you not matter what, and no matter how you _________ feel right now, nothing you say is going to change it.

If its in a workplace, then the best bet is to let the temper blow over, trying not to feed into it, even if its a struggle to not involve yourself. Sometimes a temper can pull your temper out as well.

If its a friend/ or lover, then each temper is situation specific.

[Satan]

Specifics depend on the situation but logic and staying unfazed have a large part in it.

isn't that modus operandi

[Satan]

When I was a teenager there was a boy in my neighborhood who would pin me down on the floor and tickle the fuck out of me. I hated it and always begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. He eventually broke my tickle box and now I'm not very sensitive to being tickled. It wasn't funny at the time, I remember being tickled so much that I was in a lot of pain.

That same guy eventually got charged with raping some girl and I wasn't at all suprised by the charges. He was agressive and didn't understand the meaning of no. Stupid creep.

when i was young i thought everything that wasn't wanted was like rape.

school, responsibility, limitations, restrictions, anal people, boring people.

y'know all that normal bullshit that people are meant to lap up and turn the other cheek to.

he might have come from an abusive situation and learnt that saying no doesn't change anything, you have to do something. poking really hard is sometimes something easy for people to do. but squealing with piercing intensity is another less physical option.

[Bain]

I know this is wrong for me to say but I can't help having the urge to hit Anna Kendrick with a baseball bat.

[Myst]

isn't that modus operandi

Sure but not quite for everyone

[golden]

Imo if someone is "charming" in the first place, as the OP said, that's something to wonder about. Many people will tell you that abusers come across as charming. Abuse experts consider charm one among several red flags.

Someone having the ability to draw other people to them doesn't have to be sinister. The neutral / healthy version of this is a finding that people who have "charisma" (specifically that word, not "charm") fit the following formula:

warmth + competence = charisma

If someone is cold and competent, they're intimidating; warm and incompetent, they're pathetic; cold and incompetent, they're an asshole, and in these trait combinations charisma level is probably low.

I can think of lots of warm and competent people I really like! And they're not abusive at all.

So what is "abuser charm" about? I've seen it and suffered from someone who has it. It's worth examining.

[suedehead]

I'd rather be a glib 'abuser' than an aspie tbh.

[niffer]

I think there's two sides to this. And I've experienced an EIE male doing this romantically as well as EIEs of both genders in non romantic situations doing this in other more innocuous ways.

One side is about Se seeking as you've already mentioned. The EIE is looking for a partner who is strong enough physically and mentally to be able to handle that kind of thing and not be too injured or fazed.

The other side of it is about Si being PoLR (and Se only being 3D), and not being able to regulate things like holding back physically or exerting force on objects very well. I've experienced a lot of EIEs and also LIEs who I find, for instance, talk way too loud from how I'm perceiving it, and don't seem to know how to regulate their speaking volume well. This leads me to believe it's an issue to do with having Si PoLR. Fantastic orators, great at getting their ideas out there and making their point understood, but those voices! can get damn loud lol. not all of them, but some.