Nagging SLIs to do their wo

[SongOfSapphire]

An SLI guy I know recently told his SO to nag him to do his work, since he tends to procrastinate doing more pleasurable things instead and then falls behind. I would have thought such nagging (which is the word he used) would be very annoying and try to avoid it myself, even when I can see someone, SLI or not, slacking off when they would be better off just doing whatever work they need to do.

Are we missing something here...do SLIs actually want to be nagged, or is it a case of not knowing one's own preferences (like when men say they hate when women wear makeup but what they actually hate is when women wear so much makeup they look like clowns)?

[yeves]

Are we missing something here...

wrong choice of a word? would he prefer to be reminded, moved, sexed up for and roused to do his work instead of nagged?

[marooned]

i'm fairly certain no one likes to be nagged (the word implies this). how to get IPs to do anything at all is of course a "delicate matter," especially if said IP is struggling in life. the way to get me to do stuff is to start doing it, which gets me to participate, and then i can keep going (it's hard for me to activate on a lot of things). if someone just nags at me, i already know... it's either that the drain is too severe and i fear i can't get through it, or that i actually have this prioritized and some things just really aren't that immediate in the grand scheme of things, or that i'm really struggling to do shit... unfortunately IPs stuck in inaction are often annoying to someone on earth.

it's also hard to present something as more compelling than what's in my head already.

but even when i was well (long ago) i had my times for things... and certain things were simply lower priority and would come in their time. it's just that some people think immediately is the only time (those people are incorrect).

[wacey]

Just pretend to suck at whatever you need help with and ask lots of needy questions and then be uber polite about the help. Subtle manipulation is key.

nag him/ her though? Go ahead and see how far it gets you. Let us know how it goes.

[jessica129]

When someone nags me, I almost want to do the exact opposite just to make them mad. I really don't need anyone to nag me to do anything since I have a pretty good pulse on everything and when things are due and that sort of thing. Someone telling me to do things makes it feel as though they're talking down to me as if they're superior....and when that happens, I have an incredible urge to knock them down to reality.

[SongOfSapphire]

wrong choice of a word? would he prefer to be reminded, moved, sexed up for and roused to do his work instead of nagged?

Oh, I'm sure he'd like to be sexed up (wouldn't most people, especially men?), haha. As far as getting him to do his work, I continue to doubt he actually wants to be nagged, despite his apparently emphatic use of that word.

i'm fairly certain no one likes to be nagged (the word implies this). how to get IPs to do anything at all is of course a "delicate matter," especially if said IP is struggling in life. the way to get me to do stuff is to start doing it, which gets me to participate, and then i can keep going (it's hard for me to activate on a lot of things). if someone just nags at me, i already know... it's either that the drain is too severe and i fear i can't get through it, or that i actually have this prioritized and some things just really aren't that immediate in the grand scheme of things, or that i'm really struggling to do shit... unfortunately IPs stuck in inaction are often annoying to someone on earth.

it's also hard to present something as more compelling than what's in my head already.

but even when i was well (long ago) i had my times for things... and certain things were simply lower priority and would come in their time. it's just that some people think immediately is the only time (those people are incorrect).

I have been thinking about motivating Ips and especially SLIs to do something necessary but unpleasant, and wondering if both talking about the benefits afterward -- not lecturing, but noting them happily the way I would/do when in a good mood anyway -- and then maybe working alongside them would work...sort of being in on it too, and establishing a flow together since from what I can tell once SLIs get startd they seem to do fine; it's getting started that's the biggest hurdle. Maybe that's not, or is only marginally, type-related, ofc.

[SongOfSapphire]

Just pretend to suck at whatever you need help with and ask lots of needy questions and then be uber polite about the help. Subtle manipulation is key.

nag him/ her though? Go ahead and see how far it gets you. Let us know how it goes.

When someone nags me, I almost want to do the exact opposite just to make them mad. I really don't need anyone to nag me to do anything since I have a pretty good pulse on everything and when things are due and that sort of thing. Someone telling me to do things makes it feel as though they're talking down to me as if they're superior....and when that happens, I have an incredible urge to knock them down to reality.

What you both are saying is my instinct too, and is what I would expect of SLIs in general. Well, maybe he is a unique case, or maybe (more likely, imo) actually being nagged would piss him off to oblivion and he doesn't mean "nag" the way we're all taking it, and/or knows she won't actually nag him much anyway

[wacey]

From what Ive seen, SLI can put up with a lot of ..... Lame duck abuse from significant others.

[marooned]

What you both are saying is my instinct too, and is what I would expect of SLIs in general. Well, maybe he is a unique case, or maybe (more likely, imo) actually being nagged would piss him off to oblivion and he doesn't mean "nag" the way we're all taking it, and/or knows she won't actually nag him much anyway

i personally think @wacey's suggestion is terrible. he's kind of describing something i hate and why i avoid a lot of types (after they demonstrate this pattern of behavior). i end up feeling really stressed out around them and their displays of helplessness and it irritates me because they often times just push stuff they don't want to do on others (i'm having a hard enough time getting my own shit done). people like this are, imo, kind of like emotional vampires but in a socially acceptable way. they want to make your plate so big you can't get to the bottom of it and in the meantime talk your head off about "the possibilities" so you can't even concentrate. it makes me want to kill myself.

the other thing that bugs me about is that i deliberately don't pull that kind of shit on people because i know it's awful. and i expect the same in return.

[SongOfSapphire]

i personally think @wacey's suggestion is terrible. he's kind of describing something i hate and why i avoid a lot of types (after they demonstrate this pattern of behavior). i end up feeling really stressed out around them and their displays of helplessness and it irritates me because they often times just push stuff they don't want to do on others (i'm having a hard enough time getting my own shit done). people like this are, imo, kind of like emotional vampires but in a socially acceptable way. they want to make your plate so big you can't get to the bottom of it and in the meantime talk your head off about "the possibilities" so you can't even concentrate. it makes me want to kill myself.

the other thing that bugs me about is that i deliberately don't pull that kind of shit on people because i know it's awful. and i expect the same in return.

Oh, I assumed wacey was joking, like he was joking about nagging and seeing what happens.

This makes me think of the thread based on the question of whether or not infantiles take advantage of caregivers. FWIW, I don't do this -- what I consider a damsel in distress act -- and I find it very annoying when I see others do it. I doubt my friend does it to her SLI bf either.

[wacey]

I was joking, partly. It is also partly based on truth. Which is probably why it struck a negative cord in you.

[wacey]

Also, if caregiving is not your thing, then you might want to reconsider?

[Eliza Thomason]

I could not imagine my SLI husband asking this so I read it to him and his response was to simply ask if it was some other type!

Which might be a good guess. I could also not imagine my SLI brother or Dad ever dong this, or my SLI girlfriend. People around them generally don't nag them, either.

Dh and I are always aware of what each other are doing and of all the stuff we have to do and haven't done, and we do ask each other to do things, or when we are going to do things, but this is always brief and a matter of exchange of info or sharing. Because neither of us wants to be nagged, and if one of us isn't getting around to doing a thing that needs to be done we assume the other person has a good reason. Like if he is wandering around the yard staring at his job site with a cup of coffee all morning I figure he is thinking through all these complicated things I don't understand and later I will get to see them happen, and I'll probably find it real interesting when it happens. And if I am typing on Socionics its to get me in the mood to switch to concentrate on something else that needs my attention. But we don't interfere with each others processes we go through to get to what we have to do, and impose our own timeline on them, like nagging would do.

Exceptions might be getting the house ready for company or a big meal, which I like to do well, and he enjoys the result. So then its a lot of me giving orders, and he is helper/sous chef. "I need this! It goes over here like that. Not that one, the other one. Then when you are done, can you...? Oh, and we also need..." Dh keeps busy at his own pace and way and I try lay out the "we needs" in the beginning so he can go at it in his own way as much as possible, and I am real focused and we just get the job done. We are both very satisfied with the results. And also both very happy to have our peaceful house back to ourselves afterward, which to both of us is our favorite time. And definitely don't want to be entertaining all the time.

[Jeremy8419]

IEE will naturally do like wacey said, so it's not going to be needed to nag. SLI's need to be nagged or reminded, because they tend to go into lazy introversion mode and forget stuff. SLI ex step daughter used to get told to do a series of stuff, then stop after a few and be on the couch, completely having to forgotten the rest. "Did you ....?" "Oh yeah! *hops up ad goes does it*" lol

[wacey]

Sometimes its the other way around and SLI are the ones nagging.

[wacey]

For example, an old SLI roomate of mine went on a trip to mexico. We skyped and for about five mintues he nagged about keeping the cat off the furniture. I was like yeeeeaaaaaah ok. You are in mexico why are you worried about it? They get Te naggy even worse with age.

[Park]

No, I don't want to be nagged, ever. I sometimes need to be reminded, however.

And I like being properly motivated/persuaded (without any lies and manipulation) into action, when I'm undecided or can't get started.

[wacey]

Its cute how SLI don't think they are being manipulated by others.

[Jeremy8419]

For example, an old SLI roomate of mine went on a trip to mexico. We skyped and for about five mintues he nagged about keeping the cat off the furniture. I was like yeeeeaaaaaah ok. You are in mexico why are you worried about it? They get Te naggy even worse with age.

Wouldn't that be Ti naggy, since they went on for 5 minutes about a law/rule?

[wacey]

Wouldn't that be Ti naggy, since they went on for 5 minutes about a law/rule?

Nope, Si/Te---- Gabin. puppy dogged eyed Gabin.

[wacey]

And I exaggerated the timeframe. It was probably closer to 30 seconds. Still.

[Waster]

Its cute how SLI don't think they are being manipulated by others.

Everyone manipulates.

[Pookie]

An SLI guy I know recently told his SO to nag him to do his work, since he tends to procrastinate doing more pleasurable things instead and then falls behind. I would have thought such nagging (which is the word he used) would be very annoying and try to avoid it myself, even when I can see someone, SLI or not, slacking off when they would be better off just doing whatever work they need to do.

Are we missing something here...do SLIs actually want to be nagged, or is it a case of not knowing one's own preferences (like when men say they hate when women wear makeup but what they actually hate is when women wear so much makeup they look like clowns)?

I can see it. Se is like, Hey do this now. And I'm good with that, and I assume most Ni's are as well. So I can see how an Si would appreciate constant passive-aggressive(nagging) pestering and reminding to get them up and mobile. My experience with SLI's is that they take a lot of time to get going, or they're exceptionally self-motivated.

[Jeremy8419]

Everyone manipulates.

Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!! They don't know that! That's what makes it so easy!

*whistles and mozies away*

[wacey]

Everyone manipulates.

^ Everyone's favourite SLI brand of literalism, awesome.

[Beautiful sky]

I would just assumed that they are not interested in doing the task so I would try to Do it Always hard to expect someone else to do the things that they don't enjoy..

[Eliza Thomason]

IEE will naturally do like wacey said, so it's not going to be needed to nag. SLI's need to be nagged or reminded, because they tend to go into lazy introversion mode and forget stuff. SLI ex step daughter used to get told to do a series of stuff, then stop after a few and be on the couch, completely having to forgotten the rest. "Did you ....?" "Oh yeah! *hops up ad goes does it*" lol

I think this would be the SLI wanting to control her own pace of work, and deciding for herself, "X and Y is enough for now. I won't do Z unless they press it." So when she says "Oh, yeah", she was actually half expecting it, so she was ready to get up and do it. Her brain didn't need reminding. "Oh yeah" is a simple, short, non-confrontational response that invites no more discussion. She is not going to say she thought it was too much for now. Why waste energy on that conversation? Now, if people KEEP piling on that she do u,v,w,x,y,z all at once, then she might speak up.

__________________
editing to add: I read this to dh SLI and he says he doesn't recognize this. I said sometimes I ask you to do a bunch of things and you leave something off."[ This is like when we are getting ready for guests and I want a lot of things just so and I need his help to do that.] "Is it because my list was too long and you just stopped listening after awhile?" He says that sounds about right. He says. "There is a lot of stuff I take from you that I wouldn't accept from anybody else. You are someone I love very much." [Aw!]

[Eliza Thomason]

For example, an old SLI roomate of mine went on a trip to mexico. We skyped and for about five mintues he nagged about keeping the cat off the furniture. I was like yeeeeaaaaaah ok. You are in mexico why are you worried about it? They get Te naggy even worse with age.

Hmm, my SLI takes the path of least resistance with the cats. Forget the furniture. (This worked fine for him when he was a bachelor). And why bother to let the cats in and out? Just leave the enclosed porch door to swing open on its own, and leave open one of the storm windows in case that swings shut in the wind, and put a HOLE in the wall on the kitchen so the cats can come in and out as they please - via the counter-tops. Oh, and also the neighborhood stray when he is hungry, and a raccoon. His philosophy was to only do what really really had to be done. And I admire that. And we were both single parents, and that idea works better than wanting to do all things right when you are a single parent. He got good at judging what was essential to worry about and made sure he did that, and let go the rest. More peaceful. And so it looked very much like a bachelor pad when I got here. But now that he has a wife, it looks like a civilized home. (and the cat hole is now closed and the cats have to ASK to go out).

[Jeremy8419]

That's how my ex step daughter is with her cats lol

[wacey]

Is not really a compitition and the SLIs type I am talking about is not really up for debate. Also, he is not a redneck, so cutting a hole in the wall would not have occured to him.

[wacey]

I would just assumed that they are not interested in doing the task so I would try to Do it Always hard to expect someone else to do the things that they don't enjoy..

This is so EII its not even funny.

[Jeremy8419]

Do it Always hard
giggity

[Beautiful sky]

Do it Always hard
giggity

The things people pick up on lol

[Park]

Everyone is susceptible to manipulation.

Fixed.

[Park]

And here's a nice read:

http://www.whatiscodependency.com/spot-manipulation/

[Emmym]

I can't imagine that SLIs usually NEED to be nagged. Unlike LSEs, they generally have a decent idea of when things need to be executed to avoid falling by the wayside. If they let something drop, it's usually because they can afford to, and they finish new things in good time as well. I have an EII coworker who always laughs at the SLI we occasionally work with because he's so slow, but he's actually so fucking efficient that it doesn't matter. Eventually you realize that the "slowness" is deliberate. Maybe the SLI wants to be nagged because he thinks a little prompting would enable him to accomplish even more? I sort of get a similar feeling whenever I finally manage to do something really, really well. Like, if only someone had been pushing me, I could be at Level 20 instead of Level 10 right now! Haha.

[Beautiful sky]

I can't imagine that SLIs usually NEED to be nagged. Unlike LSEs, they generally have a decent idea of when things need to be executed to avoid falling by the wayside. If they let something drop, it's usually because they can afford to, and they finish new things in good time as well. I have an EII coworker who always laughs at the SLI we occasionally work with because he's so slow, but he's actually so fucking efficient that it doesn't matter. Eventually you realize that the "slowness" is deliberate. Maybe the SLI wants to be nagged because he thinks a little prompting would enable him to accomplish even more? I sort of get a similar feeling whenever I finally manage to do something really, really well. Like, if only someone had been pushing me, I could be at Level 20 instead of Level 10 right now! Haha.

Yes I agree. Sometimes the LSE slowness is deliberately done as well Usually they are working out the efficient steps so when they go to do it they have a plan and movement goes from one step to the next very smoothly

[ashlesha]

My sli ex definitely "needed to be nagged" (so to speak). Unfinished projects and unrealized plans 24/7. I remember finding some kind of way to sometimes get through to him involving deference, tact, and timing that did feel manipulative because it wasn't my modus operandi but probably isn't. It's tricky. I think they just don't do what they don't feel like doing and its as simple as that. It's more about persuading them to want to do it versus persuading them to do it. Maybe that's true for everyone but was especially true for him. And i do think a lot of the procrastination was deliberate but i don't understand why (it struck me as excuse making at the time).

[ashlesha]

And re op in my experience he most definitely did NOT secretly want to be nagged...lol.

[AlexV]

Originally Posted by Waster
Everyone manipulates.

Shhhhhhhhhhh!!!! They don't know that! That's what makes it so easy!

*whistles and mozies away*

Now we know it and will inform others SLI about it. That will be our mission.