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    Default limerence

    http://bthaw.blogspot.com/2011/08/gu...rence.html?m=1

    Here's a really good explanation of what it is and how it feels. Ive only ever experienced this once and it lasted for eight years? I'd like to think im finally over it.

    A lot of it roots from fear of rejection which, I think, correlates to a fearful- avoidant attachment style. So if you have ever experienced this crazy thing called limerence, I would love it if you could share your experience and if you are out of the woods, how did you escape?

    Also, what do you think your attachment style was at that point in your life and what do you think it is now?

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    I'm not sure what to make of that blog entry. I've experienced something like limerance several times but in most cases it was a pretty innocent crush sort of thing that lasted for weeks or months and then either fizzled out as I lost interest or smoothed into something more comfortable as a relationship formed. It did drive me crazy once. I would definitely describe myself as preoccupied during that time (and more secure now). Eventually I came to hate them. I can't imagine dealing with that for eight years.

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    Once, but it didn't start out as a crush as our relationship was physical right away and we quickly became a thing. There was immediate attraction and intense chemistry. The level of "love" I had was definitely unhealthy. Extreme ecstasy and agony. I never want to experience that again.

    I've had crushes before, but they've never been intense to the point of me thinking about them all the time. I may have gotten butterflies when speaking to them, but that was mostly it.
    Last edited by fox; 11-13-2015 at 03:54 PM.
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    i think the last experience with limerance i had (the crazy one) taught me a lesson. ive had feelings for people since then but my brain has never flown away like it used to. i've become a lot more cautious and trained myself to reign in.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lungs View Post
    I'm not sure what to make of that blog entry. I've experienced something like limerance several times but in most cases it was a pretty innocent crush sort of thing that lasted for weeks or months and then either fizzled out as I lost interest or smoothed into something more comfortable as a relationship formed. It did drive me crazy once. I would definitely describe myself as preoccupied during that time (and more secure now). Eventually I came to hate them. I can't imagine dealing with that for eight years.
    Thats funny because in my case I could never see it forming into a grounded relationship. It was always longing, always pinning for this unobtainable, perfect, person.

    Yeah eight years lol. I was in 7th grade so hormones. He was an intelligent, mischievous, smoothtalker. How could I not fall for that? Although, I think what really did it was the eyebrows

    After a while it gets exhausting. I wanted to get off the rollercoasster. I just saw him at a party actually and felt nothing so.... I think were good.

    Preoccupied attatchment would be a longing for intimacty and anxious about making sure the relationship stays intact right? That would make sense if you were jumping from crush to crush looking for intimacy, then you found it and it drove you up the wall and now you hate them. Yes? No? Im reading too much into it? Lol

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    Once, but it didn't start out as a crush as our relationship was physical right away and we quickly became a thing. There was immediate attraction and intense chemistry. The level of "love" I had was definitely unhealthy. Extreme ecstasy and agony. I never want to experience that again.

    I've had crushes before, but they've never been intense to the point of me thinking about them all the time. I may have gotten butterflies when speaking to them, but that was mostly it.
    Yeah I didnt think about him 24/7 but he was in my subconscious?

    But yeah its a terrible feeling once you see it for what it is.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jaein View Post
    Preoccupied attatchment would be a longing for intimacty and anxious about making sure the relationship stays intact right? That would make sense if you were jumping from crush to crush looking for intimacy, then you found it and it drove you up the wall and now you hate them. Yes? No? Im reading too much into it? Lol
    that's actually a really good synopsis. i think i used to experience limerance a lot because i enjoyed the intense feelings and i would actively try to look for someone to cultivate them towards to excite myself and drown feelings of emptiness. and i was pretty good at snaring the person i wanted back then, so there wasn't a lot of downside. then it happened with someone i couldn't get. who played with my feelings for their ego or something. and it really threw me for a loop.

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    i feel like i should be able to write a wall of text about this, but there's no organization to my thoughts. I've lived most of my life with limerence it feels like, although i didn't read about and have a name for most of that. In fact, I feel like limerence is all i've known when it comes to "love" (only true in the relationship sense, and even then I can think of things that weren't this, but they weren't much more either) The longest I've been limerent towards someone was 15ish(?) years, I would say that i got over it, but they are talking about moving back here again and my mind still goes right to wandering over all the old ground i've paced down into packed dirt, while my stomach turns into a black pit and some part of me, idk which, scrambles to get out "nope!" to any part of me that is still listening.

    i've somewhat gotten it under control over the past years by forcing myself to be open about my feelings towards people when i realize that they have become my focus, but then again those were all online things and I'm not even sure that I really communicated just how much they had become part of my thoughts. Also, i find that i don't have any idea what to do with things after that point, it can feel like a let-down even if it gets a good response (or worse, panic over feeling lost and wtf do i do now???). Also, I suspect it would still be a massive internal battle to do it IRL (that i'm pretty sure i have no chance of winning) .



    (I wish the search for threads worked right, we've done this topic a few times on the forum and I bet I had clearer things to say about it then. I feel like a wrung out towel at this point trying to get my thoughts and words out on this topic. Like i've said nothing in this post. ugh. )
    Last edited by bg; 11-14-2015 at 05:44 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    i feel like i should be able to write a wall of text about this, but there's no organization to my thoughts. I've lived most of my life with limerence it feels like, although i didn't read about and have a name for most of that. In fact, I feel like limerence is all i've known when it comes to "love" (only true in the relationship sense, and even then I can think of things that weren't this, but they weren't much more either) The longest I've been limerent towards someone was 15ish(?) years, I would say that i got over it, but they are talking about moving back here again and my mind still goes right to wandering over all the old ground i've paced down into packed dirt, while my stomach turns into a black pit and some part of me, idk which, scrambles to get out "nope!" to any part of me that is still listening.

    i've somewhat gotten it under control over the past years by forcing myself to be open about my feelings towards people when i realize that they have become my focus, but then again those were all online things and I'm not even sure that I really communicated just how much they had become part of my thoughts. Also, i find that i don't have any idea what to do with things after that point, it can feel like a let-down even if it gets a good response. Also, I suspect it would still be a massive internal battle (that i'm pretty sure i have no chance of winning) to do it IRL.



    (I wish the search for threads worked right, we've done this topic a few times on the forum and I bet I had clearer things to say about it then. I feel like a wrung out towel at this point trying to get my thoughts and words out on this topic. Like i've said nothing in this post. ugh. )
    So the three things ive read that cure limerence are confession of ones feelings, no contact orrrr I forget the other one. Anyway being open about my feelings was never an option so I avoided him that last year of high school and I stopped looking him up on instagram lol. Even then its taken me two years to get to a place of 'alright I think im moving on now.'

    Oh I looked for a thread on this as well and didnt see one.. Oops. But no, I completely understand what youre saying.

    But yeah that sucks, you think your over it then bam! The mention of their name sends you back into your dopamine filled fantasies.

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    I pretty much related to everything this article said word for word. Limerence especially sucks when you are introverted and logical, where it is difficult to talk about feelings even in normal conditions.

    I was and am still limerent towards this one girl I meet in high school. To me she seemed like a goddess and thought there was no possible way someone like her could be interested in someone like me. She had tons of friends and was involved in everything and I was just some random guy with no friends and no social life. Every time I came into close proximity to her I would become nervous, sweaty and red in the face. I started to become paranoid that classmates would pick up on my body language and call me out on it, which just made the whole situation even worse. I became more self-conscious about flaws that I didn't really pay much attention to before. I couldn't ever go to bed without fantasizing about her. Being invisible to her made me feel invisible. I got depressed and just couldn't get pleasure out of other things like I used to. Even now I still don't have the balls to send her a message telling her how I feel because my heart would explode. She declined my friend request on facebook and I'm terrified of the response I will get if I push any further. I stuck in this grim situation were I feel like I will never be a part of the big picture to her and will just be forgotten along with the hordes of all the other horny douchebag men.
    Last edited by Muddy; 11-14-2015 at 06:43 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jaein View Post
    So the three things ive read that cure limerence are confession of ones feelings, no contact orrrr I forget the other one. Anyway being open about my feelings was never an option so I avoided him that last year of high school and I stopped looking him up on instagram lol. Even then its taken me two years to get to a place of 'alright I think im moving on now.'
    no contact is the only thing that works for me, which makes it so much worse when it's a friend who you've spent half your life with (and who tends to come back after years long breaks). I had tried confession of feelings towards the girl who i got into it bad with, but it was so mumbled and awkward that i could easily write it off inside my head as being the method that was turning, not the perfect situation that it's supposed to be when it all just works out. no amount of directness ever felt enough to convey things, in either direction. and at the same time it can feel like nothing, and so silly and stupid and god why even bother. klafjjklsdf

    anyways, yes. for me, cut off from that person has worked best. i feel freed, as if i can finally breath, as if something huge has been lifted off my life. and of course i feel bad about that in some way, but the freedom makes it easy to accept.

    But yeah that sucks, you think your over it then bam! The mention of their name sends you back into your dopamine filled fantasies.
    sigh. yes.


    it also makes it difficult to approach people you'd be interested in in general somewhat. with my first notice that i have interest in someone, remembering the road i always seem to go down has me anxious and paranoid of my interest, of how much i'm fantasizing instead of experiencing them, how much am i rerunning imagined discussions, and is it making me feel more than they would? How much of my life and thought am i spending in my head over this person? ajhdskfhskjdfjkhf

    a friend of mine who's a psychologist put it really simply when i brought up the limerence thing to him, something along the lines of "limerence is just another word for your wanting to love and be loved." It doesn't seem like much maybe, but it's something that I do feel hearing has helped me a bit to not feel like such a freak or loser because of how my interest develops. I just try to be open about it now, so that I'm not trapped in some hole of not being able to talk or acknowledge it. I do still have a rough time accepting even seemingly direct responses from the people I'm interested in at face value (usually it's with good responses hah, funny enough), but I think I'm getting better at it. and if nothing else, getting better at accepting all this stuff as normal and fine, or at least nothing freakish that can't be worked through.
    Last edited by bg; 11-14-2015 at 10:45 AM.

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    i get a limerent-like crush every 2-3 years =p i was and still am fearful avoidant

    will be really sassy with the next one though
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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    no contact is the only thing that works for me, which makes it so much worse when it's a friend who you've spent half your life with (and who tends to come back after years long breaks). I had tried confession of feelings towards the girl who i got into it bad with, but it was so mumbled and awkward that i could easily write it off inside my head as being the method that was turning, not the perfect situation that it's supposed to be when it all just works out. no amount of directness ever felt enough to convey things, in either direction. and at the same time it can feel like nothing, and so silly and stupid and god why even bother. klafjjklsdf

    anyways, yes. for me, cut off from that person has worked best. i feel freed, as if i can finally breath, as if something huge has been lifted off my life. and of course i feel bad about that in some way, but the freedom makes it easy to accept.

    sigh. yes.

    it also makes it difficult to approach people you'd be interested in in general somewhat. with my first notice that i have interest in someone, remembering the road i always seem to go down has me anxious and paranoid of my interest, of how much i'm fantasizing instead of experiencing them, how much am i rerunning imagined discussions, and is it making me feel more than they would? How much of my life and thought am i spending in my head over this person? ajhdskfhskjdfjkhf

    a friend of mine who's a psychologist put it really simply when i brought up the limerence thing to him, something along the lines of "limerence is just another word for your wanting to love and be loved." It doesn't seem like much maybe, but it's something that I do feel hearing has helped me a bit to not feel like such a freak or loser because of how my interest develops. I just try to be open about it now, so that I'm not trapped in some hole of not being able to talk or acknowledge it. I do still have a rough time accepting even seemingly direct responses from the people I'm interested in at face value (usually it's with good responses hah, funny enough), but I think I'm getting better at it. and if nothing else, getting better at accepting all this stuff as normal and fine, or at least nothing freakish that can't be worked through.



    It seems the only solution is to completely cut the person out of your life. Confessing is like throwing a burden on the other person they didn't ask for and probably results in a rift anyway. It's like getting off a drug. Change people, places and things. I used to hate when people said that but in situations like this maybe it is the best option. It is something to think about. I mean staying around the person is probably not good for anyone and prevents any real letting go. I find once enough time has passed, sometimes in equal proportion to how long you cared for them, you can see them again and be fine. When all else fails I used to focus on someone else. Sort of fake it till you make it but then that person is a rebound and that left me feeling guilty. What is that saying... the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's not that easy though...

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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    Quote Originally Posted by Muddytextures View Post
    I pretty much related to everything this article said word for word. Limerence especially sucks when you are introverted and logical, where it is difficult to talk about feelings even in normal conditions.

    I was and am still limerent towards this one girl I meet in high school. To me she seemed like a goddess and thought there was no possible way someone like her could be interested in someone like me. She had tons of friends and was involved in everything and I was just some random guy with no friends and no social life. Every time I came into close proximity to her I would become nervous, sweaty and red in the face. I started to become paranoid that classmates would pick up on my body language and call me out on it, which just made the whole situation even worse. I became more self-conscious about flaws that I didn't really pay much attention to before. I couldn't ever go to bed without fantasizing about her. Being invisible to her made me feel invisible. I got depressed and just couldn't get pleasure out of other things like I used to. Even now I still don't have the balls to send her a message telling her how I feel because my heart would explode. She declined my friend request on facebook and I'm terrified of the response I will get if I push any further. I stuck in this grim situation were I feel like I will never be a part of the big picture to her and will just be forgotten along with the hordes of all the other horny douchebag men.
    Christ, I curled up into a ball around this guy. But I feel like you had it worse than me.

    Now Im gonna say something that might sting but, if she declined your friend request, wouldnt you have your answer? Were you guys close friends or were you just two people who went to the same highschool?

    Pushing further could turn out two ways. She could respond positively, deepening your limerence or she could respond negatively pushing you into to depression. Not to say that healthy relationships cant be formed from limerence. I, personally, cant see it happening.

    If she doesnt see you in the big picture there really isnt much you can do about that. Im trying to be as sensitive as possible because I know it feels like they're youre whole world. Like there's no one else for you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    no contact is the only thing that works for me, which makes it so much worse when it's a friend who you've spent half your life with (and who tends to come back after years long breaks). I had tried confession of feelings towards the girl who i got into it bad with, but it was so mumbled and awkward that i could easily write it off inside my head as being the method that was turning, not the perfect situation that it's supposed to be when it all just works out. no amount of directness ever felt enough to convey things, in either direction. and at the same time it can feel like nothing, and so silly and stupid and god why even bother. klafjjklsdf

    anyways, yes. for me, cut off from that person has worked best. i feel freed, as if i can finally breath, as if something huge has been lifted off my life. and of course i feel bad about that in some way, but the freedom makes it easy to accept.



    sigh. yes.


    it also makes it difficult to approach people you'd be interested in in general somewhat. with my first notice that i have interest in someone, remembering the road i always seem to go down has me anxious and paranoid of my interest, of how much i'm fantasizing instead of experiencing them, how much am i rerunning imagined discussions, and is it making me feel more than they would? How much of my life and thought am i spending in my head over this person? ajhdskfhskjdfjkhf

    a friend of mine who's a psychologist put it really simply when i brought up the limerence thing to him, something along the lines of "limerence is just another word for your wanting to love and be loved." It doesn't seem like much maybe, but it's something that I do feel hearing has helped me a bit to not feel like such a freak or loser because of how my interest develops. I just try to be open about it now, so that I'm not trapped in some hole of not being able to talk or acknowledge it. I do still have a rough time accepting even seemingly direct responses from the people I'm interested in at face value (usually it's with good responses hah, funny enough), but I think I'm getting better at it. and if nothing else, getting better at accepting all this stuff as normal and fine, or at least nothing freakish that can't be worked through.
    Yes, theres no way they could fully understand unless they themselves experienced it

    I too have that paranoid feeling of "is this just another infatuation episode?" ugh.

    Dont feel guilty about distancing yourself. Its for the sake of your sanity.

    "Wanting to love and be loved" is a great way to put it.

    I feel like I should say more but all I can really say is I agree with everything you wrote. And I can relate to pretty much all youve written. Thank you for sharing

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    I think I was in a situation of mutual limerence that lasted 6 years. It was like the stars didn't line up for us. It was either me suffering for months at a time, thinking it was over and thinking he had moved on with someone else, only to have him come back admitting he was feeling the same way I did. Then he would pine for me for months at a time while I was with someone else which would push me right over the edge and I was right back where I started pining over him because I could not bear to see him suffer. I would drop someone to be in his presence once again, when he chose to honor me with it. He would then tell me it wasn't working and start dating someone else, leaving me depressed again. This dating other people but feeling like we could not live without each other went on for 6 years. It was a nightmare. I don't think I could ever do that again. It was a near constant state of wishing we were dead, pulling each other back in, then one of us would pull away or start dating. arrgh I rather someone just shoot me before I ever go through that kind of gut wrenching torture again. We couldn't sleep or eat. We were miserable with and without each other. :/

    This song came on autoplay not long after I posted this and it kind of sums it up what we went through. Weird synch.

    Last edited by Aylen; 11-14-2015 at 12:06 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ellyan View Post
    I think I was in a situation of mutual limerence that lasted 6 years. It was like the stars didn't line up for us. It was either me suffering for months at a time, thinking it was over and thinking he had moved on with someone else, only to have him come back admitting he was feeling the same way I did. Then he would pine for me for months at a time while I was with someone else which would push me right over the edge and I was right back where I started pining over him because I could not bear to see him suffer. I would drop someone to be in his presence once again, when he chose to honor me with it. He would then tell me it wasn't working and start dating someone else, leaving me depressed again. This dating other people but feeling like we could not live without each other went on for 6 years. It was a nightmare. I don't think I could ever do that again. It was a near constant state of wishing we were dead, pulling each other back in, then one of us would pull away or start dating. arrgh I rather someone just shoot me before I ever go through that kind of gut wrenching torture again. We couldn't sleep or eat. We were miserable with and without each other. :/

    This song came on autoplay not long after I posted this and it kind of sums it up what we went through. Weird synch.

    First, I love that artist, shes amazing and I listened to her often when I was limerent.

    Why do you think you went through this push and pull? You seemed to care a lot about eachother. Was there an underlying fear of some sort? Or was it soley bad timing?

    Its the most exhausting experience, and I would sometimes feel extreme hatred of myself for not being able to overcome it.

    This is the one I mainly listened to
    https://youtu.be/JDZaiM8oAOU

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    Quote Originally Posted by jaein View Post
    Christ, I curled up into a ball around this guy. But I feel like you had it worse than me.

    Now Im gonna say something that might sting but, if she declined your friend request, wouldnt you have your answer? Were you guys close friends or were you just two people who went to the same highschool?

    Pushing further could turn out two ways. She could respond positively, deepening your limerence or she could respond negatively pushing you into to depression. Not to say that healthy relationships cant be formed from limerence. I, personally, cant see it happening.

    If she doesnt see you in the big picture there really isnt much you can do about that. Im trying to be as sensitive as possible because I know it feels like they're youre whole world. Like there's no one else for you.
    We weren't close friends, just random classmates. In fact I didn't even know anybody in her social circle very well either. I was VERY unsociable throughout high school and I wonder if this was off putting to some people. I've never really been romantically involved or close friends with a girl ever. Interacting with females face to face has always been awkward for me.

    I might of screwed up because she once asked my to come talk to her and her friends but I knee-jerked a rude NO and always avoided her out of fear.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ellyan View Post


    It seems the only solution is to completely cut the person out of your life. Confessing is like throwing a burden on the other person they didn't ask for and probably results in a rift anyway. It's like getting off a drug. Change people, places and things. I used to hate when people said that but in situations like this maybe it is the best option. It is something to think about. I mean staying around the person is probably not good for anyone and prevents any real letting go. I find once enough time has passed, sometimes in equal proportion to how long you cared for them, you can see them again and be fine. When all else fails I used to focus on someone else. Sort of fake it till you make it but then that person is a rebound and that left me feeling guilty. What is that saying... the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's not that easy though...
    [moment of self-pity]so i've got to live like king midus? anyone i feel like getting close i have to run away from so i don't smother them into misery inside a shell of gold. sighhhhh....[/moment of self-pity] i know, i know... healthy love exists. right? don't give up.
    Last edited by bg; 11-14-2015 at 07:34 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Muddytextures View Post
    We weren't close friends, just random classmates. In fact I didn't even know anybody in her social circle very well either. I was VERY unsociable throughout high school and I wonder if this was off putting to some people. I've never really been romantically involved or close friends with a girl ever. Interacting with females face to face has always been awkward for me.

    I might of screwed up because she once asked my to come talk to her and her friends but I knee-jerked a rude NO and always avoided her out of fear.
    Yah im pretty sure we're twins or something. You're situation sounds way to familiar.

    Ive always been awkward around the opposite sex. I try and remind myself it's basically the same as communicating with girls.

    Oh gosh, the avoidance. I remember I saw LO coming down the hall with his friends laughing I saw him, he saw me, and got this "oh shit" look on his face so, I immediately turn around and book it the other way. It was so embarrassing cause his friends noticed the shift on his face and they stopped laughing so its kinda like I ruined the fun lol.I avoided for his sake just as much as mine. I think he was uncomfortable because he knew I had this lifelong crush on him.

    I remember if anyone ever told me so and so had a crush on me I wouldnt believe it. I always thought it was a prank so i refused to believe it. I had really low self esteem.

    Yeah I bet being unsociable is probably off putting to a lot of people. Like maybe they think you're snobby or something. It personally left me feeling invisible and very lonely but at the same time I liked the look of suprise people would get when I would peek out of my shell.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    [moment of self-pity]so i've got to live like king midus? anyone i feel like getting close i have to run away from so i don't smother them into misery inside a shell of gold. sighhhhh....[/moment of self-pity] i know, i know... healthy love exists. right? don't give up.
    Healthy love does exist and I have experienced it. I think obsessive love happens when there are other unresolved issues within. I was talking to someone this morning and I had mentioned how I would idealize someone in such a way that if the relationship was smooth, and easy, and they were immediately obtainable I might feel like something is wrong with them for reciprocating, at least not until some fucked up metaphorical war was waged (inside my head). Love is a battlefield and they probably will earn some metaphorical scars before I will express it. Limerence is basically unrequited love and I do that well. Unrequited is safe. As long as they do not love you back they remain perfect because they do not love something so flawed. They only love what is perfect. It's a trap. We are all imperfectly perfect. I could spend a lifetime trying to become what I believe is someone's perfect and in the meantime miss out on something that is right in front of my face. I don't always see it when it is right in front of me though. Maybe it is more like I will ignore what is in front of me.

    I think the first time it happened to me I was like 9 or 10 and I "loved" this boy for a couple of years but never told him. Then another boy when I was 12 and that lasted a couple of years. I remember being late for class just so I could watch them out of the corner of my eye until they would disappear into a classroom or down a hall. Both were like the bad boy, long hair, musician types even at that age, I would be aching inside the whole day. It was hard to think and I remember crying in the shower, at home, so no one would know.I didn't even tell my closest friends. It was something I kept just for myself. Even at that age I was suffering with it in this silent, woe is me, kind of way. What I didn't know until later is that they both secretly crushed on me too.

    I did end up seeing both these guys (not at the same time) when I was older and let me tell you the illusion of their perfection shattered and I quickly realized the fantasy of them was much better than the reality. A prince can easily turn into a frog just from one kiss, if it isn't real. The best relationships are mutual and life affirming for both people. They do not leave you feeling like the least attractive person on earth and they do not make you want to seriously wake up dead somewhere in another universe.

    It doesn't stop me from craving that unrequited love scenario though. Maybe I am just warped from my childhood to idealize a love that isn't returned. My mom was not affectionate and did not like being shown love or cuddled. My bio dad took off when I was still very young. The two people who were supposed to show me how to love sucked at it. I have gone from relationship to relationship looking for the ideal but I don't even know what that is. I mean why do I lose interest as soon as someone starts to treat me as good, or even better, than I deserve. I have had healthy relationships and therapy but even that does not stop me from longing for what I don't have. I think I might get this all right some day. I guess that is why I am not convinced that I could ever do a lifetime with one person but I am still open to it. It probably would feel like doing time. Fuck, maybe I need more therapy. :/

    Watch the last video on enneagram 4 I posted in that thread. It might explain a bit of what you go through. Believe it or not a lot of people cannot relate to what those of us in this thread have experienced, That still kind of blows me away. Makes me wonder if they are dead inside. lol just kidding! I know it is not normal to take it as far as I have. Maybe I am a masochist for emotional pain but to be completely honest I would not trade any of those experiences. As much as I have said I wish I was robotic and didn't feel anything I know that is a lie. A world without intense emotions would be like a world without art and music to me. Not a world I would want to live in. At least not as my current incarnation.



    Edit: I think I just realized I have WAY too much relationship experience. Maybe some day I will use is as a "force" for good and it will not have all been suffering in vain.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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    Quote Originally Posted by jaein View Post
    First, I love that artist, shes amazing and I listened to her often when I was limerent.

    Why do you think you went through this push and pull? You seemed to care a lot about eachother. Was there an underlying fear of some sort? Or was it soley bad timing?

    Its the most exhausting experience, and I would sometimes feel extreme hatred of myself for not being able to overcome it.

    This is the one I mainly listened to
    https://youtu.be/JDZaiM8oAOU
    I like her a lot.

    I just want to mention that I was able to work out, with Myst that the guy was LSI. Not that any of that would have mattered to me at the time. It is funny I thought he might have been my conflictor.

    Nothing ever aligned for us. The stars, the moon, the whole universe was stacked against us, from day one, but it didn't stop us from trying. Then we matured and in a way were forced to abandon each other. I wrote a little about it here. It is both the best and the worst experience of my life, so far, in the realm of romantic love. I consider us to be a modern day tragic love story but I can't go into all the reasons why here. I did consider him to be the epitome of perfection, in just about every way possible, so I was always thinking if I could improve this or that I would one day be worthy of him. One day never came but the years kept passing... Thing is, he said he was happy with me, as I was, but I never felt intelligent enough for him.

    I had a suspicion that he didn't want me to be as intelligent as him either. Maybe that was part of the control I allowed him to have over me. I hid my intelligence so he would not feel threatened so I never felt fully accepted by him. I think he had this weird thing about my looks and body type. He didn't want men in his family to meet me because he was afraid they would think about having sex with me. His words.. :/ I guess I felt like he was ashamed of my looks on some level. I was not the girl he wanted to bring home to father. He might have thought I looked too sexual or something but I would have been appropriate. I wonder if he thought I would seduce his male family members. It just seemed so irrational to me. Whatever it was I was not good enough to meet his male family members. That's some fucked up kind of jealousy.

    I probably learned more about love from him than any other. I am grateful for the time we did have together, even if it was not always mutually reciprocated but when it was it felt like magic. Usually one of us was always holding back. Maybe that allowed balance in the relationship If we both expressed the same level of intensity at the same time the whole world might have imploded.

    After he and I were officially over, and cut our ties, I did go on to love someone else with the same intensity but it was mutual, exclusive, and also a rollercoaster ride. That guy (an SLE) was kind of everything the LSI was but a better version of him. I did love again with as much intensity so don't lose hope, Sometimes I think I would rather go all in, crash and burn than live with a smoldering flame. I have a lot of contradicting feelings about all this.

    Edit @<a href="http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/member.php?u=142" target="_blank">bg</a> why is my Myst mention so messed up? I can't fix it.


    Grrrr help! lol
    Last edited by Aylen; 11-14-2015 at 09:26 PM.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







  23. #23
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    @Ellyan test


    idk it's working for me.

    were you using a weird device to write that post?

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    @Ellyan test


    idk it's working for me.

    were you using a weird device to write that post?
    No I am on my laptop and didn't do anything different. Hmm..

    @Myst

    Seems it works now. I will edit the other post.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







  25. #25
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    has anyone tried making a limerent dating site yet? we can all just look at pictures of eachother and dream about the responses we'd get to the love letters we're working up to writing.
    Last edited by bg; 11-14-2015 at 10:02 PM.

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    Wow, I've never had to move on from a crush, those thinges always slowly fade for me. I can't imagine being in love with a crush, that's gotta suck :/

    I like getting small crushes tbh. They make life more exciting. They also help you get over ex's or bad relationships. I haven't had a crush in a whlie and I really miss it.
    Last edited by fox; 11-14-2015 at 10:00 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by jxrtes View Post
    betas should be kept in zoos for children to stare and throw pop corn at.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ellyan View Post
    Healthy love does exist and I have experienced it. I think obsessive love happens when there are other unresolved issues within. I was talking to someone this morning and I had mentioned how I would idealize someone in such a way that if the relationship was smooth, and easy, and they were immediately obtainable I might feel like something is wrong with them for reciprocating, at least not until some fucked up metaphorical war was waged (inside my head). Love is a battlefield and they probably will earn some metaphorical scars before I will express it. Limerence is basically unrequited love and I do that well. Unrequited is safe. As long as they do not love you back they remain perfect because they do not love something so flawed. They only love what is perfect. It's a trap. We are all imperfectly perfect. I could spend a lifetime trying to become what I believe is someone's perfect and in the meantime miss out on something that is right in front of my face. I don't always see it when it is right in front of me though. Maybe it is more like I will ignore what is in front of me.
    i've been completely oblivious to totally cool girls, who WERE into me, because of my complete focus on someone i knew it was impossible to ever be happy with (but no! just if this... and this... and.... ). some are really smack my head over looking back at. if i had just looked around me at other options, i could have had something real so many times.

    Edit: Maybe some day I will use is as a "force" for good and it will not have all been suffering in vain.
    force me! force me!
    Last edited by bg; 11-14-2015 at 11:42 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    has anyone tried making a limerent dating site yet? we can all just look at pictures of eachother and dream about the responses we'd get to the love letters we're working up to writing eachother.
    LOL, It would be an interesting creative project and I see a lot of potential in it, if it wasn't just another poetry site. We could critique each other to the point of desensitizing us from ever feeling limerence again. I think I would just use it to express myself in ways I wouldn't elsewhere but then I would be afraid someone might fall for me if I get too poetic. I tend to downplay any crushes I have so they do not blow out of proportion. I have in the moment crushes, both male and female, that are fun and playful. Once it gets heavy and dark I am pretty sure it is doomed. A lot of people are repelled by the dark side of others.

    Remember my new pic on FB and the post that went with it... That would be the type of stuff I would post. I would have a disclaimer below my name, "for entertainment purposes only". I went out of my way to give it the romantic longing feel to go with my post. I was swept up in a moment of creativity. I loved doing it though because when I am creative it is a positive outlet for bottled up feelings.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    Wow, I've never had to move on from a crush, those thinges always slowly fade for me. I can't imagine being in love with a crush, that's gotta suck :/

    I like getting small crushes tbh. They make life more exciting. They also help you get over ex's or bad relationships. I haven't had a crush in a whlie and I really miss it.
    it's... it's like a blanket you can wrap yourself up in. much of it isn't unpleasant. the worst of it is when there's an opening, like when the person you're limerent towards finally breaks up with whoever, or the stars seem to have aligned. it becomes physical then, like an aching lump inside you, and you start tearing yourself up inside with do it! why haven't you said anything?! gogogo! omg why? (with images in your head of getting there and another guy opens the door... and dammit no!) djkfdksjfhkjshdfk

    but, the general level of focus and daydreaming, that can be comforting/nice even thought it can pang.

    the part that really hit me was the realization of how much of my life had been spent focused, thinking about, and riding on an invisible emotional rollercoaster on a dream of this person who i'm not going to end up with. and like i wrote above to aylen, all the opportunities i was oblivious to that could have led to some healing/growth beyond this.

    yet, i still look on it fondly even with the pangs. sigh.
    Last edited by bg; 11-14-2015 at 10:33 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    \
    force me! force me!


    My sister's advice to guys who wanted to get close to my force was, "run, run now, before it's too late!" I hated when she did that but I laughed along with them.

    This thread is cathartic. I feel better already.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    it's... it's like a blanket you can wrap yourself up in. much of it isn't unpleasant. the worst of it is when there's an opening, like when the person you're limerent towards finally breaks up with whoever, or the stars seem to have aligned. it becomes physical then, like an aching lump inside you.

    but, the general level of focus and daydreaming, that can be comforting/nice even thought it can pang.

    the part that really hit me was the realization of how much of my life had been spent focused, thinking about, and riding on an invisible emotional rollercoaster on a dream of this person who i'm not going to end up. and like i wrote above to aylen, all the opportunities i was completely oblivious to that could have led to some healing/growth beyond this.

    yet, i still look on it fondly even with the pangs. sigh.
    You so have to be a 4w5 core!

    This song always reminds me of Delta Nfs and how they can feel like a blanket sometimes.



    @bg @bg @bg

    My mentions are not working. lol

    Now they are. :/
    Last edited by Aylen; 11-14-2015 at 10:40 PM.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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    I still don't really understand the difference between limerence and an intense crush, because it just sounds like the same thing to me. I also kinda didn't like how the author seemed to be making lots of assumptions.

    "Just cause I can't go on, just cause I die when you're gone....don't let it go to your head." those are the feelings I have when I'm in love. Thanks, Fefe Dobson.

    But yeah, though I know that is a cheesy pop song to Te valuers- it just makes me think that's what love is. I mean like... when around everybody else/society, you just kinda feel dead inside, another cog- but with that person, you are flying up in the sky with them. You get excited to see them and want to fuck them romantically. Fireworks, streamers, and gay disney music. You just feel good around their presence and you feel like you cannot help it no matter how hard you try.

    Feelings can change though. One sentence can collapse all of the dream and you're left feeling meh about the person. It is this elusive, finicky thing... can only be held up and sustained if all the right variables are in place. My feelings about ppl can change really easily, if they say a sentence I really don't like- and mean it strongly. For most people it's really stable and real world boring-ish, because there are things I like/dislike in them pretty equally. It only makes me feel like floating if the positive outweighs the negativity but that's rare.

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    I'm beginning to experience this right now.
    Life's a bitch and she's got me pussy whipped.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ellyan View Post
    I like her a lot.

    I just want to mention that I was able to work out, with Myst that the guy was LSI. Not that any of that would have mattered to me at the time. It is funny I thought he might have been my conflictor.

    Nothing ever aligned for us. The stars, the moon, the whole universe was stacked against us, from day one, but it didn't stop us from trying. Then we matured and in a way were forced to abandon each other. I wrote a little about it here. It is both the best and the worst experience of my life, so far, in the realm of romantic love. I consider us to be a modern day tragic love story but I can't go into all the reasons why here. I did consider him to be the epitome of perfection, in just about every way possible, so I was always thinking if I could improve this or that I would one day be worthy of him. One day never came but the years kept passing... Thing is, he said he was happy with me, as I was, but I never felt intelligent enough for him.

    I had a suspicion that he didn't want me to be as intelligent as him either. Maybe that was part of the control I allowed him to have over me. I hid my intelligence so he would not feel threatened so I never felt fully accepted by him. I think he had this weird thing about my looks and body type. He didn't want men in his family to meet me because he was afraid they would think about having sex with me. His words.. :/ I guess I felt like he was ashamed of my looks on some level. I was not the girl he wanted to bring home to father. He might have thought I looked too sexual or something but I would have been appropriate. I wonder if he thought I would seduce his male family members. It just seemed so irrational to me. Whatever it was I was not good enough to meet his male family members. That's some fucked up kind of jealousy.

    I probably learned more about love from him than any other. I am grateful for the time we did have together, even if it was not always mutually reciprocated but when it was it felt like magic. Usually one of us was always holding back. Maybe that allowed balance in the relationship If we both expressed the same level of intensity at the same time the whole world might have imploded.

    After he and I were officially over, and cut our ties, I did go on to love someone else with the same intensity but it was mutual, exclusive, and also a rollercoaster ride. That guy (an SLE) was kind of everything the LSI was but a better version of him. I did love again with as much intensity so don't lose hope, Sometimes I think I would rather go all in, crash and burn than live with a smoldering flame. I have a lot of contradicting feelings about all this.

    Edit @<a href="http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/member.php?u=142" target="_blank">bg</a> why is my Myst mention so messed up? I can't fix it.


    Grrrr help! lol
    Well crapoli. While reading your post the idea of twin flames came to mind, the whole chaser and the runner and what not (dont know that much about twin flames), but thats pretty interesting. Im pretty sure this guy that I fell madly for was sle. He was really goofy and I sometimes laughed when he made rude and blunt remarks to people. (I think it was just the infatuation, I doubt I would have laughed had it been anyone else.)

    Not letting you meet male members of his family is pretty fucked up, I feel like its more insulting to you than anything else, like you would welcome their advances.

    Ill be honest when I first came on to this forum I tried to convince myself I was iei so I could justify my feelings for him. "See its not infatuation we're duals and perfectforeachotheeeeer"

    Hey, maybe it didn't work out, but, as you said you learned something,right? Maybe one day you could share your little nugget of wisdom with the world?

    Thank you, you give me hope and well tbh talking about this has resurfaced some pleasant/unpleasant feelings that I thought were dead and buried. I keep trying to repress it but Ive just read that its better to accept the feelings as they are and not dwell on them. Let them come and go like waves.

    I hope this new intensity you have implodes the world. But in a good way

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    has anyone tried making a limerent dating site yet? we can all just look at pictures of eachother and dream about the responses we'd get to the love letters we're working up to writing.
    Hahaha whats the first step to this? Getting a domain right? Does anyone know how to code? I started learning but I dont remember crap.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Starfall View Post
    Wow, I've never had to move on from a crush, those thinges always slowly fade for me. I can't imagine being in love with a crush, that's gotta suck :/

    I like getting small crushes tbh. They make life more exciting. They also help you get over ex's or bad relationships. I haven't had a crush in a whlie and I really miss it.
    I had a small crush once. Theyre fun to giggle with your girlfriends about and prank call. Childish. I know. I dont do tht stuff anymore.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bg View Post
    it's... it's like a blanket you can wrap yourself up in. much of it isn't unpleasant. the worst of it is when there's an opening, like when the person you're limerent towards finally breaks up with whoever, or the stars seem to have aligned. it becomes physical then, like an aching lump inside you, and you start tearing yourself up inside with do it! why haven't you said anything?! gogogo! omg why? (with images in your head of getting there and another guy opens the door... and dammit no!) djkfdksjfhkjshdfk

    but, the general level of focus and daydreaming, that can be comforting/nice even thought it can pang.

    the part that really hit me was the realization of how much of my life had been spent focused, thinking about, and riding on an invisible emotional rollercoaster on a dream of this person who i'm not going to end up with. and like i wrote above to aylen, all the opportunities i was oblivious to that could have led to some healing/growth beyond this.

    yet, i still look on it fondly even with the pangs. sigh.
    Yesyesyesyesyes. Im getting too excited about this whole relatability thing.
    Last edited by jaein; 11-15-2015 at 06:37 AM.

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    killer wolf lemontrees's Avatar
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    is it limerance if you were pushing someone away who supposedly really liked you and then you start falling for them hardcore and they disappear? b/c I do feel like there is some aspect of fantasizing involved, except I started liking him *before* he started rejecting me, and also I do *sort of* know him, a little.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jaein View Post
    Well crapoli. While reading your post the idea of twin flames came to mind, the whole chaser and the runner and what not (dont know that much about twin flames), but thats pretty interesting. Im pretty sure this guy that I fell madly for was sle. He was really goofy and I sometimes laughed when he made rude and blunt remarks to people. (I think it was just the infatuation, I doubt I would have laughed had it been anyone else.)

    Not letting you meet male members of his family is pretty fucked up, I feel like its more insulting to you than anything else, like you would welcome their advances.

    Ill be honest when I first came on to this forum I tried to convince myself I was iei so I could justify my feelings for him. "See its not infatuation we're duals and perfectforeachotheeeeer"

    Hey, maybe it didn't work out, but, as you said you learned something,right? Maybe one day you could share your little nugget of wisdom with the world?

    Thank you, you give me hope and well tbh talking about this has resurfaced some pleasant/unpleasant feelings that I thought were dead and buried. I keep trying to repress it but Ive just read that its better to accept the feelings as they are and not dwell on them. Let them come and go like waves.

    I hope this new intensity you have implodes the world. But in a good way
    You are very sweet.



    I read the story behind that song but I often wonder if it was a case of unrequited love.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by lemontrees View Post
    is it limerance if you were pushing someone away who supposedly really liked you and then you start falling for them hardcore and they disappear? b/c I do feel like there is some aspect of fantasizing involved, except I started liking him *before* he started rejecting me, and also I do *sort of* know him, a little.
    I saw some people were wondering what the difference between a strong crush and limerence was earlier today and for me the difference is like night and day. A crush does not suck the life right out of me. It is usually light and playful and fades rather quickly but limerence, to me, feels like a very deep bond with someone on a soul level but you can't explain to them what you feel because there are no words. It's not even that you actually want to be with them. It feels like you are compelled by them against your will sometimes. I have been on both sides of it and I seriously was shocked when I was told they had this thing for me that was beyond a normal infatuation.

    I didn't even know they had feelings for me in some cases, until something brought it all out in the open. There is a lot of suffering in silence. It's not as simple as, hey I like you, you like me, let's hang out. At least not for me. I get tongue tied and freeze up when I want to say something in ways that I don't with other people I am interested in. Every positive interaction can feel like bliss but after quickly turn to sorrow. It is like coming down from a drug and your supplier has cut you off.

    It usually feels like I know them from another time and place but I am also aware that they may never experience the full depth of the connection, even if somehow they do return the feelings, on some level, so ultimately it might be unsatisfying but at the same time you can't break free of the attraction. That's just how I have experienced it. I have had it last as short as a few months and like I said as long as several years.

    The more you fight the feelings and push them away the more intense it can get. It is probably best to cut all ties, which means also giving up other people and places if that is your connection to them. It is an extreme method but I think it works. I have never easily cut myself off though. I think I waited to be cut off and some people won't cut you off because they are clueless the effect that they have on you. I did cut off a few people who felt that way about me but it was because I was in other relationships and they were threatening the relationship with their behavior toward me and whoever I was with.

    If you can't bring yourself to cut them off completely it is better to just go with the flow of the rollercoaster, as jaein mentioned. It has to stop naturally at some point. Fighting it leads to more suffering, unless you like suffering. I don't let myself suffer too long before I distract myself or change my perception. I am starting to realize they really have no more power over me than I allow them to have. I used to think it was done to me against my will but really I was a victim of my own perception. Fortunately I have not experienced this a lot but the times I have were definitely torture. I think I can deal better with it now because I recognize the signs and can take the necessary steps to give myself a reality check.

    My experiences with this state usually started with some kind of sexual connection that had an intensity to it that was almost terrifying. Even when I experienced it as a child I was having very sexual feelings toward the two boys I mentioned. I was way more sexually aware than most children and wanted to experience that kind of union with someone else at a very young age. That led to a lot of people trying to take advantage of me in that way but I think that direction may be going off topic.

    Limerence (also infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person typically including compulsive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship and have one's feelings reciprocated. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" for her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love to describe the concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love.[1]

    Limerence has been defined by one writer as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest".[2] Limerence has also been defined in terms of the potentially inspirational effects and the relationship to attachment theory, which is not exclusively sexual, as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation”.[3]

    Attachment theory emphasizes that "many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption, and the renewal of attachment relationships".[4] It has been suggested that "the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation: "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation"[5] during the "intensive...pair-forming stage"[6] of human affectionate bonding.

    Edit: Just want to add that this is not to be mistaken for crazy stalker behavior because it is very different. I have had crazy stalkers too and those guys were scary. I was not scared of the guys who were just experiencing limerence toward me. Once I knew they were really hurting over me I would hurt right along with them and wanted to make them feel better about it. :/ I did not try to make my stalkers feel better or encourage them in any way. I am wondering if higher empathy and spirituality is involved.
    Last edited by Aylen; 11-15-2015 at 06:58 AM.

    "When I ought to be thinking of heaven he will nail me to earth"

     







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