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    Default Question for Delta NFs and Beta NFs

    What do you do when someone is expressing they have a problem?

    Do you offer sympathy?

    I find myself offering solutions. The solution offering thing does not always go down well, at first, and then eventually it registers and people take out the productive parts.

    Offering sympathy is an immediate gratification, but does it fix things?

    How do you proceed when someone has a problem that they talk about?

    I want to hear about this from Delta NFs, and what they would recommend for me - but - also if you aren't Delta NF I am interested in hearing how you approach these situations also. There may be differences in how they deal with it the Delta and the Beta NFs - or it could be that there is a common themed approach too among F types.

    Some theories - what I do is common among Logical types. It could be common among Sensing types too. It may be common among gender divide. There may be no commonality but it will still be interesting to read and compare how individuals proceed with such things

    And on that, please, sensing ethicals please respond also!

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    My natural inclination is to try and find a solution. I express sympathy, but tend to not dwell on how hard the situation is or how much of a problem it is. I let them tell me the problem, express that I am sorry they are dealing with it, and suggest solutions. My ESE friend hates the last part.
    “Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us”
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    When people come to me to talk about their problems I often do not give them advice about what to do. I think of myself as a bandaid or a blanket that one may use to take comfort for expressing so much internal activity and pain. I will offer advice when asked"what do you think?" I think most often people need a friend and a companion just to express thought or feeling. I do say things like "this looks like it's frustrating you and the direction in which it's going doesn't seem like it's making you feel good." Sympathy to me is a whole lot of I'm sorrys and the person sypathizing pouting along. My empathy is looking directly at the person speaking taking in what they are saying. Talk until you figure out what you want to do. Compassion in the form of "you're my friend. I know you well and they should be nice to you" or "I got these flowers to cheer you up" a hug offering my time to accompany them to a distraction or breakfast. When the relationship is over and I thought he was a jerk I'll say it then not during because people when they vent express a small part of the picture and Sometimes the things that are frustrating at the moment. I do that too...human nature. The whole picture can always change and the companion too may realize their errors and fix them so why hang the person before you've put faith in them?

    I listen and ask "how will you deal with it" or "what might you think you'll do" "do you find that to be the best action?"

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    I express sympathy and then help with a solution, but honestly people don't really come to me with their problems at all. I don't think I have that caring attitude around myself

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    Quote Originally Posted by summerprincess View Post
    I express sympathy and then help with a solution, but honestly people don't really come to me with their problems at all. I don't think I have that caring attitude around myself
    people come looking for me

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    You're an LSE with the username spritelite? LSE's are a lot of things, but they are rarely sprite-lites.

    I'm also Te-dom, and I have the same problem. I tend to offer solutions. However, I have learned that, while some people want and need solutions, other people really do not want solutions. Instead, they just want someone who will simply listen to them.

    Your question should really be, how can I tell who is whom?


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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    You're an LSE with the username spritelite? LSE's are a lot of things, but they are rarely sprite-lites.

    I'm also Te-dom, and I have the same problem. I tend to offer solutions. However, I have learned that, while some people want and need solutions, other people really do not want solutions. Instead, they just want someone who will simply listen to them.

    Your question should really be, how can I tell who is whom?

    Where does it say in the title, "Question for Delta NFs and Beta NFs" That I require an answer from a Te dom? Anyway there is not so much a problem with any type providing an answer, but I find you appearing out of nowhere to criticise me and instruct me as a poor way of saying hello.

    As for the name, it comes from the soda, Sprite Zero, the soda drink: "
    This sugar-free drink originally began production as "Sugar Free Sprite" in 1974, and was renamed to "Diet Sprite" in 1983. In other countries, it was known as "Sprite Light". The brand "Sprite Zero" was first used in Greece in 2002.[1] Beginning in 2002, the name was changed in various territories to the current form, matching The Coca-Cola Company's launch of Fanta Zero and Coca-Cola Zero.".

    It is related to the similarity of diet seven up and diet sprite, and was simply chosen with the thoughts of the difference in taste between the aspartine and sucrose products at that time.

    As for telling who is whom, this is something built on experience, if it does not work the first time round to give advice, then I will continue to give advice if I think the overall cause requires it, or otherwise I will just nod and agree the next time round.

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    OK, if you really insist on offering a solution, you have to package it correctly for Beta NF's. Instead of saying, "If you just do this, it will fix your problem", say " A guy once told me that he had a problem similar to yours, although it wasn't exactly the same - actually I'm not sure it was the same at all - , and he did this to fix it, but I don't really know if that would apply at all in your case." and then just let it go. They'll do something different from what you suggested, but it will work out well anyway.

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    Quote Originally Posted by spritelite View Post
    Where does it say in the title, "Question for Delta NFs and Beta NFs" That I require an answer from a Te dom? Anyway there is not so much a problem with any type providing an answer, but I find you appearing out of nowhere to criticise me and instruct me as a poor way of saying hello.

    As for the name, it comes from the soda, Sprite Zero, the soda drink: "
    This sugar-free drink originally began production as "Sugar Free Sprite" in 1974, and was renamed to "Diet Sprite" in 1983. In other countries, it was known as "Sprite Light". The brand "Sprite Zero" was first used in Greece in 2002.[1] Beginning in 2002, the name was changed in various territories to the current form, matching The Coca-Cola Company's launch of Fanta Zero and Coca-Cola Zero.".

    It is related to the similarity of diet seven up and diet sprite, and was simply chosen with the thoughts of the difference in taste between the aspartine and sucrose products at that time.

    As for telling who is whom, this is something built on experience, if it does not work the first time round to give advice, then I will continue to give advice if I think the overall cause requires it, or otherwise I will just nod and agree the next time round.
    Well, you are right, I should have said Hello first. Hello.

    I don't really think you need an answer from a Te-dom, but you got one, anyway. That sometimes happens. I imagine you will do that sometime in your life, too.

    And, I did not mean to criticize you. Not. At. All. My comments on your username were more intended as a greeting (an excuse for more conversation) and as a way to find out more about you, something I do with fellow logicals. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    Well, you are right, I should have said Hello first. Hello.

    I don't really think you need an answer from a Te-dom, but you got one, anyway. That sometimes happens. I imagine you will do that sometime in your life, too.

    And, I did not mean to criticize you. Not. At. All. My comments on your username were more intended as a greeting (an excuse for more conversation) and as a way to find out more about you, something I do with fellow logicals. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
    Ah OK, usually in greetings I say hello and not ask someone about their name, which did come across as a somewhat awkward question begging to be taken in an open way, but that's fine.

    I am interested in hearing how NFs - Delta and Beta deal with such a thing. I have a situation where an IEI likes to complain to me about some problems, I think there is something to be investigated into how the NF quadras respond to it happening to them. Also any ethical type contributing is helpful in insights in how to negotiate such situations. As a Te type, you will have the same hit and miss as me.

    Not only this but it gives me pointers in those who's type I am not 100% sure of, any information I can contribute to the process works as a boon.

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    I think it depends on how distressed the person seems to be. If they are really upset or anxious, they aren't going to be able to effectively problem-shoot or even listen to good advice in that kind of state. It's best for the person to calm down a bit before offering solutions, so that the solutions can really be processed. So sympathy comes first, with as much as needed for the situation, and advice comes second. However, this is really hard for me to do over the internet because I can't hear people's tone and we can't see each other's body language, so I tend to start offering solutions much more quickly over text. (I self-type EII, btw.)

    Also, by sympathy, I don't mean saying, "Oh poor you." I mean asking about the other person's feelings, trying to see how I can relate, and making the other person feel heard.
    Last edited by April; 10-05-2015 at 12:33 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by spritelite View Post
    As a Te type, you will have the same hit and miss as me.
    I've already had that hit and miss with an IEI. My response above is my best advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by spritelite View Post
    Not only this but it gives me pointers in those who's type I am not 100% sure of, any information I can contribute to the process works as a boon.
    I've read a couple more posts by you, and you seem LSE to me. Particularly the post about having to organize others because they can't do it themselves. That is totally LSE. My mother and one sister are LSE, as is my second sister's husband and a good friend of mine.

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    It depends.

    Sometimes I just listen and that's enough.

    A lot of the times I'll ask questions. (How did that make you feel? Why did it make you feel that way? Etc)

    I'll offer other points of view. (Like if the problem is in relation to another person I'll offer potential points of view from the other person's side.)

    I'll offer advice, or try to work on tangible solutions to the problem, realistic steps to take.

    Really it all depends on the nature of the problem and on the person.

    I self-type IEI btw

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    Unfortunately I ask a lot of questions about the context, the people involved, maybe about similar situations they've been in before, or what have they already done to try to solve the problem. I'll try to look at it from the pov of the other people involved as well, as best I can based on the person's answers. Then I might present to them the possible pov of the other person involved, why they may have done what they did, etc. Or I might tell a story of a friend (or me) who had a similar situation and what they did. Or I might mention something I had read that might help with how to look at the situation.

    Mostly I go for alternative ways of looking at the situation.
     

    Recently one of my neighbors was upset about school related issues her son has been having. She knows I don't like taking medicines and such, and asked me what I thought of flu and vaccine shots. Immediately I knew she was feeling guilt that she might have caused her son some of his school difficulties. I told her that first of all, the school system is an artifical system not based of children's natural abilities. Some kids do well in a school system (like her daughter), but can't function so well outside of it. While others function well outside of school, but have a difficult time in the artificial school system. Her son is obviously intelligent and capable of quite a bit beyond his age, even if his grades are failing.

    She asked what I thought about vaccines and autism. I told her that she basically had a choice, give him something that would prevent him from getting a life threatening disease but might risk him having some difficulties to overcome in life, or avoid the possible difficulties but leave him open to life threatening diseases.

    I then pointed out the things her son is good at, which the school doesn't address, but which provide him better options in his life than a strict education could.

    She was in tears during the talk, but by the end seemed to feel better and more hopeful. She even recited some of the main points back, as if to get it to stick in her mind better for when I left.


    This doesn't always work. I'm not very good at providing sympathetic gestures. I do let them rant and rave to let out their pent up emotions, but I try to avoid letting them work themselves up into a state in which they are stuck on the negativity. I'm also not a yes-man, and won't even superficially agree with them if I don't agree.
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    idk whatever feels natural, and you kinda feel out what's working for the person. i suppose my first instinct is to deal with it in the moment, to shift their mood to one where whatever it is isn't so immediate. i think more than advice on how to fix things, i tend to give advice/help on how to see situations differently. sometimes i feel bad, because i think my tendency is to want to help people see their own contribution to the problem as the thing that they have control over and can change, when idk, some people may just feel like that's hammering them with what they did wrong.


    (but im high and not sure i can properly self-reflect at the moment, i think this is basically me though.)

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    Quote Originally Posted by spritelite View Post
    What do you do when someone is expressing they have a problem?

    Do you offer sympathy?

    I find myself offering solutions. The solution offering thing does not always go down well, at first, and then eventually it registers and people take out the productive parts.

    Offering sympathy is an immediate gratification, but does it fix things?

    How do you proceed when someone has a problem that they talk about?

    I want to hear about this from Delta NFs, and what they would recommend for me - but - also if you aren't Delta NF I am interested in hearing how you approach these situations also. There may be differences in how they deal with it the Delta and the Beta NFs - or it could be that there is a common themed approach too among F types.

    Some theories - what I do is common among Logical types. It could be common among Sensing types too. It may be common among gender divide. There may be no commonality but it will still be interesting to read and compare how individuals proceed with such things

    And on that, please, sensing ethicals please respond also!
    Well I'm considering EII now, so I'll respond.

    I start by offering sympathy to show that I care so the other person knows they're being heard. I start by listening to them nonjudgementally. Once I get a good picture of the issue, I then offer possible solutions.
    LII-Ne with strong EII tendencies, 6w7-9w1-3w4 so/sp/sx, INxP



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    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Strange View Post
    You're an LSE with the username spritelite? LSE's are a lot of things, but they are rarely sprite-lites.

    I'm also Te-dom, and I have the same problem. I tend to offer solutions. However, I have learned that, while some people want and need solutions, other people really do not want solutions. Instead, they just want someone who will simply listen to them.

    Your question should really be, how can I tell who is whom?

    You must lead the person to their own solution, sometimes a solution is unnecessary they may simply need a shoulder to cry on. Not all problems have active solutions, sometimes it is all about moving on accepting the reality of the situation; or the daunting effort required, effort vs reward balance may not work.

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    Quote Originally Posted by chips and underwear View Post
    Well I'm considering EII now, so I'll respond.

    I start by offering sympathy to show that I care so the other person knows they're being heard. I start by listening to them nonjudgementally. Once I get a good picture of the issue, I then offer possible solutions.
    I have all the Raven Claw traits besides acceptance; strength of will/ambition forces me to do all that I can to escape my predicament. Now I wanted to think I was Raven Claw but Slytherin has all my traits besides fraternity that undermines individuality and self-preservation.

    Raven Claw traits
    IntelligenceWit
    Wisdom
    Creativity
    Originality
    Individuality

    Slytherin traits
    Resourcefulness
    Cunning[1]
    Ambition[1]
    Leadership qualities [2]
    Self-Preservation [3]
    Determination [4]
    Cleverness [5]
    Power

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    I am far better at offering sympathy than solutions. I suck with solutions honestly.
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    Melancholic

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    Quote Originally Posted by spritelite View Post
    What do you do when someone is expressing they have a problem?

    Do you offer sympathy?

    I find myself offering solutions. The solution offering thing does not always go down well, at first, and then eventually it registers and people take out the productive parts.

    Offering sympathy is an immediate gratification, but does it fix things?

    How do you proceed when someone has a problem that they talk about?

    I want to hear about this from Delta NFs, and what they would recommend for me - but - also if you aren't Delta NF I am interested in hearing how you approach these situations also. There may be differences in how they deal with it the Delta and the Beta NFs - or it could be that there is a common themed approach too among F types.

    Some theories - what I do is common among Logical types. It could be common among Sensing types too. It may be common among gender divide. There may be no commonality but it will still be interesting to read and compare how individuals proceed with such things

    And on that, please, sensing ethicals please respond also!
    I'll join my voice to other EIIs, it seems that we all deal with this in a very similar way. First I offer sympathy/empathy. I can't do otherwise. I just feel the emotions of the person telling me his/her story. And I try to show that not only I understand the person, I accept him as he is. I find that it's quite a rare experience for many people, to be accepted and liked as they are, most people fall for it. Does it help? Does it fix things? It may give the person some inner strength required to fix things. Sometimes all is needed is a boost of one's self-esteem. Or it may be that this situation cannot be fixed. When someone close to you is sick and it worries you no end, when a loved one has died... people will still have feelings even when they can't change the situation, and having feelings they will have a need for venting them.
    Do I offer solutions? Only to people I know really well. I will offer a solution only when I'm sure that I know the situation, I know all parties involved, I can forecast their behaviour. I hate it when people are quick to offer an "easy fix". I feel it shows lack of respect, as well as lack of understanding. And that might give you a clue as to why people don't always react well if/when you offer them solutions without giving them enough time to discuss all details of their problem. It might work, though, if you try to lead them to your solution, asking questions in such a way that they would arrive at your proposed solution by themselves. Prepare to sacrifice a lot of your time for that, though. Or when you don't have time, just listen for a while, express your emotions about the situation ("I'm so sorry that you're going through this!") and just move on, without offering a solution unless they ask for it.

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    Default god's gift to solving problems right here:

    well, oh my gosh, as a possible ethical type, i get to respond to this topic. it's as though it is now christmas or perhaps i've won an all-expense paid trip to timbuktu. i am all delight, and i feel like a bumble bee just now digging my nose into the fleshy petals of a flower.

    when confronted with another person's woes, i begin by questioning why i don't feel anything (or feel enough) in response.

    oh, but it's not about me...

    i try to get a good understanding of the problem, both the hidden aspects and the surface ones, as i generally feel gaining a good understanding of a problem goes at least half of the way to solving it. i usually spend a lot of time questioning, speculating and guessing, until i feel i've gotten to the "heart(s) of the matter(s)." at that point i wait for solutions to shoot up out of the ether so that i can present them, which may take on a brainstorming quality - or it may not. mainly i'm looking for solutions that match the other person's inner knowledge and feelings about the situation/problem (the other person will *always* know more, as it is their problem and they know countless things that i don't know).

    once i have it all - the full sense, picture, and feel of the problem as well as a range of possible solutions - i try to break it down logically to keep the focus on what may actually solve the matter (since when immersed in a personal problem, i know my mind tends to make it worse through emotion and imagination, and so this is a way to try to not keep digging into the torment & unleashing new ways to make it even more complex and unsolvable).

    i'd add that the person with the problem well knows the complexities of it, even if they don't know all of it consciously in the moments of the conversation. getting the "full picture" rides on the other person uncovering these complexities throughout the conversation - so i may guess at some - that reminds them of more - and it goes on until the topography of the situation/matter has been fleshed out "completely" (limited by how completely is necessary or by how much of that topography is explored/seen, which will never be *all* of it).

    i suppose i am sympathetic in the sense that i tend to acknowledge the gravity of the problem - which provides validation (although i'm not trying to do that - it's just a fortunate byproduct - hee hee). if i've had something to drink i might be more gushy and expressively empathetic, but i think it *is* kind of useless to mirror someone else's pain and go awwwwww about it since that doesn't actually, truly, fix anything. but there have been times too when i've been in pain and i've just needed someone to acknowledge that they understand how intensely i feel what i do and therefore how "important" it is. so i'm not really writing anything off.

    i mean, sometimes, just being acknowledged and understood by another person goes a long way to helping one solve something, because it's not just about logical or practical solutions. going forward takes strength. you could imagine how you might do something, but without some sort of ignition force (like someone else giving a damn), actually doing it may not ever be actualized. also, part of any problem is how you personally think and feel about it - sometimes changing that actually solves it without you having to do a thing.

    mainly, i look at problems in a practical sense, and i suppose also in a rational and logical sense - especially if they are other people's problems. being emotionally detached can go a long way in resolving something too, but detachment is something one often doesn't have the benefit of when personally absorbed in their own situation and the emotional turbulence of it. but maybe this is more of an angle of approach.

    finally, returning to my narcissism, i will often also inject humor into the situation as i explore the human condition that leads to all of these terrible problems (especially interpersonal ones), even as i dwell on my own lack of ability to "feel enough" about it. i'll continually refer to myself and my new discoveries about my feelings, since it is all about me... sigh... somehow, knowing how i feel about this problem that isn't mine, seems to help me in generating solutions. i might also tell stories about similar situations from my own experience, and how that reminds me of this problem and oh, there are insights there... or i might notice patterns that apply, or themes.

    basically i really like to chew on the problem and take it in as my own, and i feel i'm way more effective with other people's problems than my own. it helps how i can believe the other person capable of amazing feats of interpersonal gymnastics that i would never be capable of myself! that other person, they can move the world. i believe in them.

    oh, and to top it off, i'm stingy! i don't want to talk to just anyone about their problems! my time is precious!
    Last edited by inumbra; 10-12-2015 at 06:45 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    people come looking for me
    You are awfully full of yourself for an introvert. Just saying...
    (maybe it's nothing...)

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    Quote Originally Posted by nondescript View Post
    You are awfully full of yourself for an introvert. Just saying...
    (maybe it's nothing...)
    According to Jung introverts are full of themselves as they tend to draw attention to the subject meaning themselves and their experiences

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    Quote Originally Posted by Maritsa View Post
    According to Jung introverts are full of themselves as they tend to draw attention to the subject meaning themselves and their experiences
    Indeed. As full as a pomegranate. Yes, that's just what mr.Jung said.

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    i suppose i
    am sympathetic in the sense that i tend to acknowledge the gravity of the problem - which provides validation (although i'm not trying to do that - it's just a fortunate byproduct - hee hee). if i've had something to drink i might be more gushy and expressively empathetic, but i think it *is* kind of useless to mirror someone else's pain and go awwwwww about it since that doesn't actually, truly, fix anything.
    Idk how 'obvious' this is or not, but you can also kinda feel the subtle 'awwwww' if you just need some basic human empathy after going through a shitty situation. The words don't matter, it's the feeling. I can feel the empathy of a lot of Te-egos this way. People like to scream at people to NOT PLAY VICTIM after going through something that made them feel vulnerable, but honestly that's not helpful at all. Then again what people naturally feel sorry for you for is rather complex, layered and varied.

    I think simply giving empathy does fix things actually, because the pure empathy gives people positive energy. It makes people move, do other shit and get over it - at least it does for me. Just yapping at people that they created their own misery tends to anger them, because you're just not seeing the entire picture.

    There was a video Teal Swan made called the Victor Trap. I thought it was really good. Of course she's my identical (IEI) so we're biased on this but oh well.



    I am talking about something that really was shitty and unfair though, not just somebody being a whiny baby. People are resistant at giving out empathy because it's also used to control/manipulate people. An example of this is how *some* sadistic and abusive Jews hurt other people and then go 'but the holocaust!' when this is pointed out to them. You really have to look at the individual.
    Last edited by bnd; 10-15-2015 at 05:45 PM.

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    Offering sympathy is an immediate gratification, but does it fix things?
    Yes, because it gives people the energy to solve things for themselves. Empathy is energy.



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    Haikus Beautiful sky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BulletsAndDoves View Post


    Yes, because it gives people the energy to solve things for themselves. Empathy is energy.


    Both provide people an emotional outlet. Energy I agree.

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    Also people can forget or repress by not dealing with it or forgetting about it but others or they will deal with the consequences
    Last edited by Beautiful sky; 10-16-2015 at 04:29 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sergeyeva View Post
    I'll join my voice to other EIIs, it seems that we all deal with this in a very similar way. First I offer sympathy/empathy. I can't do otherwise. I just feel the emotions of the person telling me his/her story. And I try to show that not only I understand the person, I accept him as he is. I find that it's quite a rare experience for many people, to be accepted and liked as they are, most people fall for it. Does it help?
    Sometimes. Carl Rogers researched effects of this.

    I hate it when people are quick to offer an "easy fix". I feel it shows lack of respect, as well as lack of understanding.
    Easy fixes or hard fixes will be correct if you are competent in a situation.

    And that might give you a clue as to why people don't always react well if/when you offer them solutions without giving them enough time to discuss all details of their problem.
    If you give solutions in section where a man have nonvalued weak functions - then he may react negatively, as your solutions is critics for him.

    It might work, though, if you try to lead them to your solution, asking questions in such a way that they would arrive at your proposed solution by themselves.
    Side effect will be that you'll give less solutions than could because you'll spare much efforts on every situation. In many cases it's enough the man just knew the solution - despite what he feels about it, - later he'll may think himself and follow it. I saw negative reaction many times, but then people followed the advice anyway and got better results. For feeling types emotions mean more and they avoid negative feelings in others by the cost of practical effectiveness.
    Types examples: video bloggers, actors

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sol View Post
    If you give solutions in section where a man have nonvalued weak functions - then he may react negatively, as your solutions is critics for him.



    Side effect will be that you'll give less solutions than could because you'll spare much efforts on every situation. In many cases it's enough the man just knew the solution - despite what he feels about it, - later he'll may think himself and follow it. I saw negative reaction many times, but then people followed the advice anyway and got better results. For feeling types emotions mean more and they avoid negative feelings in others by the cost of practical effectiveness.
    I can't but agree. Solutions that involve personal weaknesses are not appreciated.
    And as for the second thing, the fact, that I will give out fewer solutons... Well, I'm NOT a solution producer. That's not my job That's not my talent either. My role is to give empathy and I think I'll stick to it

  31. #31
    Let's go to fairyland Minde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spritelite View Post
    What do you do when someone is expressing they have a problem?

    Do you offer sympathy?

    I find myself offering solutions. The solution offering thing does not always go down well, at first, and then eventually it registers and people take out the productive parts.

    Offering sympathy is an immediate gratification, but does it fix things?

    How do you proceed when someone has a problem that they talk about?

    I want to hear about this from Delta NFs, and what they would recommend for me - but - also if you aren't Delta NF I am interested in hearing how you approach these situations also. There may be differences in how they deal with it the Delta and the Beta NFs - or it could be that there is a common themed approach too among F types.

    Some theories - what I do is common among Logical types. It could be common among Sensing types too. It may be common among gender divide. There may be no commonality but it will still be interesting to read and compare how individuals proceed with such things

    And on that, please, sensing ethicals please respond also!
    As a Delta, I like when people and situations are balanced, peaceful, productive, and healthy. So my efforts will attempt to guide people in that direction, either passively or actively or a combination. I also very much understand that a) not everyone values that and b) different people require different things to get them to their best selves.

    If I had to break down what I do when someone manifests they have a problem it might go something like this:

    1) Am I the person for this job? Will my involvement, as the unique individual I am with my particular strengths, help or make things worse? For example, I'm probably not the best person to help a disturbed SLE. If I'm not the right person, can I find someone nearby who might work better? If so, I'll do that and then back away.

    2) If I do seem like I might be actually able to productively help, what type of help do they need? This part is not terribly hard but it can require patience and the skill to separate yourself from an emotional situation. Basically I just do active listening and get as much information as I can. Ask open questions. Allow for whatever reactions and thoughts they have without going into judging mode. A natural part of this process, if I remember to be patient enough and keep my ego out of the way, is to discover what it is they actually are wanting. A lot of the time, people just want to be heard and feel understood. If that's the extent of their wants, then step 2 is really all that I need to do.

    3) If, however, after I'm confident that I both understand and they are feeling understood, and I learn they are receptive to or asking for input, then I allow myself into idea generation and judging/sympathizing mode.


    Step 2 can work with anybody for the most part, but I do think it's wisest to hold off on offering advice to people who don't share my values, particularly as it relates to the specific problem. Also, sometimes I get impatient and jump right to solution-offering, too, because I do value having things fixed and working well. So I suppose this is mostly my process when I'm not rushed and am thinking clearly. But it works really well.


    I appreciate how you're wanting to learn more and improve your relationships with others by gaining additional perspectives.
    INFj / EII / FiNe
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    "Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K. Chesterton

    "Have courage and be kind." - Cinderella's mom

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    Ill just sit there in silence letting them vent. If they ask me what to do Ill try and offer advice. I told my sister thay I never knew how to give out advice and that I sometimes just sit in silence while they speak and she said that people actually appreciate that and that you dont have to give advice, just be there. But then there is the dilemma of when they ask me what they should do.

    I remember an acquaintance asked if she could talk to me and she cried and poured her heart out about how some of her friends were treating her. She was really hurt and asked me what to do and I told her to talk to them about if. Confront it head on(not something I would ever do. But this girl had a bold personality and had no issues with confrontation). I think thats basically how we became friends lol.

  33. #33
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    Conveying sympathy is slightly different from empathy. Sympathy suggests that you feel badly that the person is going through a difficult time (ex, "I'm sorry for your loss"). Empathy connects directly to the person and what he/she is experiencing (ex, "You have been feeling tremendous grief from your loss").

    I find that when people are dealing with problems, they are often not only having a difficult time resolving the surface problem itself, but are struggling with the problem's implications on their sense of self. I feel this is especially the case if the person is struggling to such an extent that they are actively seeking support and reassurance from others. Therefore, I do not see the purpose of sympathy to simply be immediate gratification. Like @BulletsAndDoves alluded to, empathy can help to provide what is necessary for the person to feel more confident in their own judgement and more equipped to tackle the problem on their own.

    I may respond in various ways to a person depending on the situation. If a person seems really pent up or emotionally charged, I offer empathy. If their problem seems complicated, I would put their explanation in my own words and try to clarify what they're saying. I often identify to the person where he/she is strong and resilient. I would proceed depending on what the problem is. My approach may differ greatly depending on whether the issue is a lack of motivation, struggling with a difficult decision, or challenging life circumstances or changes, for example. I find myself to be very quiet and attentive when the person is talking so I can hear everything that is being said and how it is being expressed. I may be tempted to offer solutions, but hardly ever do so unless it is a simple problem that does not have emotional undertones.

    Based on my understanding of your original post, it appears that you may feel the most helpful to a person when you are taking a more practical and constructive (Te?) approach. Perhaps you could try asking the person how they would like you to help in order to clarify what they need from you. Another thing you likely already do is ensure that the space is safe and comfortable for the person to openly talk about what's on their mind. Ultimately though, I think the most important thing is to be present and genuine to convey that you care.

    I am still unsure about my type but lately, I've been feeling more and more confident about my fit with IEE Fi. I should also mention that I've been professionally trained in this area, and so my response may not be the best one to pick apart to analyze based on socionics.

  34. #34
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    Comforting a grieving friend or community member is a deeply holy act in the Jewish tradition. Indeed, Jews consider it a commandment, and although the requirement only applies to practitioners of the religion, comfort from non-Jewish friends is always appreciated. Finding the appropriate words for a bereaved friend is never easy, but the religion's specific cultural practices surrounding grief and loss can help you navigate the difficult process of expressing sympathy.

  35. #35
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    People, even some I've only known for minutes usually share personal troubles with me. I will usually offer understanding of their personal responses, talk with them about how other people respond to them, give different viewpoints if they have negative thoughts about it or themselves and lastly offer practical solutions (or rather directions where they can find those).

    im not a big fan of "crying with" and usually give calm sympathy and or tough love. I will usually compliment people on their strength in dealing with the situations and or point out how they can learn from it.

    if I sense that it's an attitude rather than a situation though I'll usually bully them until they change or leave me alone. There is no sympathy for self pity that's not warrented.

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