Leaking Dreams Close To Empty
Doing this while pretty drowsy, maybe that will help as it's extemporaneous.
What is beauty? What is love?
Beauty is what is experienced when one is met with an object/entity/person who fits the ideals of that object/entity/person. Love is an adulation of that which is beautiful or cherished (because we can cherish what we do not find ideal)
What are your most important values?
My values are pretty dynamic; it's best said that my values fit the current situation. Thus, I'll leave it at that. I value what is most conducive to the situation. Internally, there's a constant self-exploration and voracious desire to understand the universise (physically/metaphisically), tinted with nihilistic slants that belie my agnosticism.
Do you have any sort of spiritual/religious beliefs, and why do you hold (or don't) those beliefs in the first place?
I believe that there may be a divinity or a consort of them; however, I think they understand the limitations of our human cogitations enough to know that we have developed separate views of the same being (God/Yaweh). Thus belonging to a religion and adhering to these details is moot. Prasining the creator(s) is what matters. However, I also believe that there's a possibility of non-existence and that, as narcissistic as we are as human, religion allows death to be a door into eternal utopia.
Opinion on war and militaries? What is power to you?
Power is the ability to bring about change. War and militaristic measures are often needed when all diplomatic measures fail. Power in and of itself is overrated and overly sought after, which is an issue--power for powers sake implies the person may not know or care about their position and the entirety of the agenda. Power is something that should come from within and be evident in actions; it should not come from external adulation of those enabling avarice.
What have you had long conversations about? What are your interests? Why?
It varies. I tend to discuss whatever the person is most comfortable discussing. I find watching them, observing their reactions, etc. enlivening--even if it's bullshit. I like to get into others' heads, as though I am vicariously living the moments as they speak of them as a passerby or during a movie. I also pick up new possible interests. Also, I'm not that interesting.
Interested in health/medicine as a conversation topic? Are you focused on your body?
My body and I have an odd relationship. I sometimes feel as though I am not embodies, that the figure in the mirror is somewhat foreign. I don't feel i exist as one fixed person so to speak, so the contrast of feeling like multiple people depending on the situation is a little jarring. It isn't to say that I have some meltdown by looking in the mirror; it's just that it's a singular view.
I focus on my body when it's failing but have a tendency to not eat etc. I sometimes feel my health is fading and do nothing. I need help here. Like ASAP. I'm trying to exercise more and look in the mirror more etc.
What do you think of daily chores?
They have to get done, but like most things; I know i need to do them yet many times don't do them in a timely manner.
Books or films you liked?
I love sci-fi. I tend to like psychological thrillers a lot as well. I tend to focus on technical books since I'm in school, so I don't much read anything else anymore.
What has made you cry? What has made you smile? Why?
Lately? I'm in my late 20s, and I've now started crying at seeing my friends with kids and such. I guess it's because I see them as fulfilling their dreams and having a wholesome life. The happiness they experience brings me happiness with a tinge of jealously. The combo is tear jerking. I also almost cried when someone explained how bandwidth worked at the quantum level; I thought it was quite simple and elegant. I love well-acted, well-written lines of music, literature. I just like elegance, I suppose.
Where do you feel: at one with the environment/a sense of belonging?
Alone. In person, I'm polite, nice, etc, but it's my SPP (Socially Palatable Persona). People drain me over time.
What have people seen as your weaknesses? What do you dislike about yourself?
I tend to dream large, have a plan, yet poorly execute it because I fall into a melancholy or aptahy. I don't think I've ever made a plan that didn't require an adjustment--at very least. I'm also very sensitive to others' appraisals of me to the point where a few choice comments can lead to a day of rumination ("Why did she say that then? Why not before? Why didn't I say this? Maybe she's thinking this;") People think I'm smart but lazy. I don't think I'm that smart, but I'm somewhat lazy. I need to have a long range goal to not be lazy, and sometimes I don't have one.
What have people seen as your strengths? What do you like about yourself?
I'm self-flagellating to a fault. It's so bad that I don't even think it would be appropriate here sometimes
Strengths? I adapt well to new stuff without needed much time to grasp it. I;m determined, even if it takes me longer due to dubiation, doubt, and sporadic apathy. I tend to have equal facility with many areas; this gives off an air of "smart" but it is IMO just a hybrid nature. I'm definitely spread too thin.
I'm not too sure what I like about myself.
In what areas of your life would you like help?
Sticking to my plans. My life would be about 160% better if I stuck to my plans. And they're good.doable plans. I just don't always have the energy to see them to action. I also need to stop fearing being wrong. I sometimes fear that I will get technical stuff wrong, as if my logic is somewhat hampered. I don't believe in myself much.
Ever feel stuck in a rut? If yes, describe the causes and your reaction to it.
Quite a lot. Causes tend to be not following my damn plan. My reaction is self-flagellation to the point where I adhere more. Once in alignment, the dissonance has gone.
What qualities do you most like and dislike in other people? What types do you get along with?
I don't like cocky or arrogant people, no matter how smart, goodlooking, or whatever zenith of measure they are. There is always more, and to assume one has it all, it's not only annoying to others but stymies the person. I tend to like people who are open, humble, and that can stick to a routine because I cannot that easily. I get along well with many types of people; I enjoy tweaking my personality to get into others' heads. If I find that I have to keep this tweaking for too long or that it becomes a full on engine replacement, I leave.
How do you feel about romance/sex? What qualities do you want in a partner?
I think about it more than I do it. Sex with me is awkward, especially when it's intense. I tend to feel like I'm both enjoying the feelings while hoping that a part of me stays hidden. But there have been times when I was a voracious whore, so eh. I haven't dated ever (I'm homosexual btw). I look for intelligence and a quiet, humble disposistion.
If you were to raise a child, what would be your main concerns, what measures would you take, and why?
My main concern would be their sense of individuality amongst a homogeneous society. At first I thought "Good education," but that's not worth much if the individual is not strong enough at the core to use that education. When we allow individuals to floruish, natural talents come forth and the self is secured. This leads to a happy life. I'd encourage self-exploration at the youngest age possible.
A friend makes a claim that clashes with your current beliefs. What is your inward and outward reaction? Outward? Probably nothing. Inward? Depends on the severity. If it's greatly divergent or discordant, I may evaluate the other aspects of our friendship and see if this is minor in relation to what we have. I don't care if people disagree, so if it was just an issue of disagreement on something not egregious, then I accept that.
How do you choose your friends and how do you behave around them?
I behave differently with my friends. With some, I am more outgoing to supplement their quiet nature. With others, I'm more submissive. I tend to not introduce them to each other. My friends tend to gravitate towards me for whatever reason.
How do you behave around strangers?
Pretty polite in a constricted way unless it's a one on one and I get to prod their heads a bit. Formal but warm (socially palatable persona)