what instinctual stacking am i?

[Satan]

i've been trying to figure it out, i'm kind of subdued these days... but i remember from the past people used to really "up" what my intensity level etc was like. and it seemed that people thought i was intense, on fire, exciting, blah blah.

the thing is, a lot of that probably had to do with alcohol and socialising and shit. when i'm by myself i'm often kind of half - dead, and hell, even in social situations i can be kind of half-dead. i can have kind of a low or high setting... with no middle ground... although as i get older i'm becoming a little more balanced.

people used to tell me that i was very reactive, and if i didn't like something or such i didn't even have to speak - it was just obvious - and i used to not speak a lot in some circumstances, and otherwise talk a lot...

i'm trying to figure out what made people think i was intense, i think it was because i had energy in reserve, and i kind of held myself back. but when in action i kind of burst energy.... but i used to think that scared people?

the way i see it, i used to stand back... be reserved... be disengaged, but if i engaged with people, acted etc, people could find my energy overwhelming because i wasn't very good at "spreading" my energy and would have a narrow beam of focus which would kind of hop from thing to thing.

and i was also quick to disagree? but even if i didn't disagree, it would seem my disagreement would come out anyway...

this is way harder than it should be.

so... the big question is if i'm sx first or sx second..

i've never really strived to have a high standard of living. i've never wanted to be polished. i prefer to be rough, and i feel more comfortable in "messy" situations.

that said, generally people seem to think i've had an easy life and that i've never really had to struggle? i suppose that means i seem reasonably level somehow? anyway, i kind of have amnesia for difficulties. like, i don't dig into negative experiences and just skim the surface. but if i do get pulled into negative states of mind i'm kind of "got nothing to lose" / "devil may care".

anyone got any ideas or opinions?

[Aylen]

You know I go back and forth between sx/sp and sp/sx for you. I think you can be very intense at times so I know what people pick up on one on one with you.

Even after months of talking to you I am still not sure between these 4 so I am no help here. hahah

sx/sp mystifier (midrange) - the range where the mystique of the sx/sp stack is at its strongest. unconsciously attracts with intense eye contact and other sx feelers, but holds back enough to give them a kind of untouchable or hard to get close to quality. depending on their true intentions this can either frustrate their sx or reward their functional sp cooling system. like midrangers of all stacks, there's a seemingly casual approach to meeting their variant needs as the secondary instinct is kept both in play and at bay, and others may wonder what they really want.

sx/sp wanderer (strong sp) - the most classically 'blocked' of the sx's, often exchanging intimacy in favor of the more immediate pleasures of the body. paradoxically the most wandering and restless of the sx/sp's. pulls from sp/so to ensure the sx flood is contained by the sp levee, which can provide a sense of stability at the expense of seeming put off by others. sex can mean a hollow satisfying of the instinct while more vulnerable feelings are suspended. quietly charged but muted, and can seem self pres first.

and

sp/sx binger (midline) - can 'hang out' around likeminded persons to imbibe in favorite goodies, though social interaction itself is not a priority. they do however remain slyly conscious of interpersonal attraction, even if characteristically hesitant to make a first move. whether alone or not, retains an air of privacy, reluctant to 'come out' of themselves.
quote: "all things in moderation, including moderation."
role: the soloist, the mercenary

sp/sx decadent (strong sx) - sp at its most saturated with sx; self-attending ways are offset by a wilder outgoing streak, reaching outside themselves then pulling back. noticeable 'sx-y' quality, often enough to pass for sx first.
quote: "what is my life, without the things I love?"
pulls from: sx/so, to enhance sx
role: the sensualist, the hedonist

I read somewhere you should look back on your life to determine how you have been for most of your past to figure out your instinct. When I do that I do seem to see myself as sx/so even though I know I am social last so I am thinking it can shift over time. I am definitely more in the mystifier range now than the seducer. You are confusing to say the least.

[GuavaDrunk]

Would second so-last, you don't seem engaged in general moods, just in very particular things.

From longer posts that I recall you give an impression of seeing people from behind a pane of glass and not particularly connecting, even if you're perceptive. Reminds me of the "lightning in a jar" description of sx/sp.

[Satan]

Would second so-last, you don't seem engaged in general moods, just in very particular things.

From longer posts that I recall you give an impression of seeing people from behind a pane of glass and not particularly connecting, even if you're perceptive. Reminds me of the "lightning in a jar" description of sx/sp.

interesting. Blood boiling with rage, but holding back?

[Adam Strange]

The only thing I know about stacking is that Dante placed Satan in the ninth circle, right at the bottom of the stack in Hell. Bummer, eh?

"interesting. Blood boiling with rage, but holding back?"

Since I know nothing about stacking, I don't know how this relates to it, but I will say that every ILI I've known well (and they are some of my very best friends and most valuable people I work with) has had some anger issues that they repressed pretty hard, but which could come out if they drank a lot. So, eventually, they cut off all contact with their parents (three out of three; two males and one female) and stopped drinking. And got to be the great, funny people they always were.

[GuavaDrunk]

interesting. Blood boiling with rage, but holding back?

That's your association. What does that tell you?

Just some cut-off intensity that doesn't reach "outside." That links to my impression that you don't have that much emotional connection to people in general: either whatever you put out doesn't feel received or you don't put out anything/enough, or you don't put out anything important/you hide.

That's why I thought of the "lightning in a jar." Sx/sp is said to gain stability by repressing the neurotic sx-first impulses, which at an extreme could lead to a detached and highly frustrated state.

By that theory, maybe angry at not being seen? [/out on a limb]

[Myst]

(...) Even after months of talking to you I am still not sure between these 4 so I am no help here. hahah

Thx for the descriptions, sx/sp wanderer (strong sp) in particular that's totally me

Sorry @Satan I have no idea on your stackings :s

[Satan]

That's your association. What does that tell you?

Just some cut-off intensity that doesn't reach "outside." That links to my impression that you don't have that much emotional connection to people in general: either whatever you put out doesn't feel received or you don't put out anything/enough, or you don't put out anything important/you hide.

I usually only half-engage. It's a habit I learned a long time ago. I feel like if I fully engage with people I will overload them. And so I kind of side-step and act indirectly a little.

Generally I prefer to "match" energy levels with other people. And half-engaging is one way to do that easier.

I sort of hide. But I mean, most people do. I try to be open, and honest, and not lie or misrepresent myself or anything normally. But I must admit that being open is kind of hard for me, let alone to share with others

That's why I thought of the "lightning in a jar." Sx/sp is said to gain stability by repressing the neurotic sx-first impulses, which at an extreme could lead to a detached and highly frustrated state.

By that theory, maybe angry at not being seen? [/out on a limb]

For better or for worse I used to kind of have trouble containing myself at times. And I can kind of leak out

I'm probably better at containing myself now.

I think people usually see me, I can be dismissed, but people usually notice me. And if someone doesn't, I think it's with them not I...

Just the other day I was eating with a friend, who wanted to be boring and have what they usually have, and I humoured the idea of trying something different, before saying that I usually just have the same thing. And when the waiter came to take order, they already guessed what I wanted But that seems to be common occurrence for me and not something I necessarily like. People assume because I am usually consistent, that I'll always keep wanting to act the same, but I prefer to consciously decide again and again to do the same thing - and be ready for change at any moment -

I suppose there is different ways to take "angry at not being seen". I think to me, I am more likely to be angry at being seen as only a part of me, rather than deeper.. ?

Anyway, for whatever reason people tend to remember me more than I remembe them. Enough so that I don't really want to draw attention to myself most of the time.

[GuavaDrunk]

I usually only half-engage. It's a habit I learned a long time ago. I feel like if I fully engage with people I will overload them. And so I kind of side-step and act indirectly a little.

Generally I prefer to "match" energy levels with other people. And half-engaging is one way to do that easier.

I sort of hide. But I mean, most people do. I try to be open, and honest, and not lie or misrepresent myself or anything normally. But I must admit that being open is kind of hard for me, let alone to share with others
==
For better or for worse I used to kind of have trouble containing myself at times. And I can kind of leak out

I'm probably better at containing myself now.

I think people usually see me, I can be dismissed, but people usually notice me. And if someone doesn't, I think it's with them not I...

Just the other day I was eating with a friend, who wanted to be boring and have what they usually have, and I humoured the idea of trying something different, before saying that I usually just have the same thing. And when the waiter came to take order, they already guessed what I wanted But that seems to be common occurrence for me and not something I necessarily like. People assume because I am usually consistent, that I'll always keep wanting to act the same, but I prefer to consciously decide again and again to do the same thing - and be ready for change at any moment -

I suppose there is different ways to take "angry at not being seen". I think to me, I am more likely to be angry at being seen as only a part of me, rather than deeper.. ?

Anyway, for whatever reason people tend to remember me more than I remembe them. Enough so that I don't really want to draw attention to myself most of the time.

With all this inner intensity the world around you must lack contrast Do you have any interest in art, or expression as performance?

Yeah, being open is hard. I have to remind myself to mention my own opinions sometimes - it's easy to just say what seems to be needed, rather than what I think. However inner circle eventually end up telling me that they like me better when it's my opinions that show up, and I end up feeling closer to them as well, even if the actual opinion was kind of crummy. In service of the greater good?

But if you only show part of yourself you then rely on people's intuitiveness to apprehend the rest of it. That's a big bet. You could argue that it's kinder to both yourself and other people to assume there's no manual and show them what you want (them being a selected collection, let us not be hippies )

That's an interesting method, to choose to have the same thing as preparedness.
Your mention of matching energy reminds me of Blues dancing, where various levels of bodily tension are appropriate for different moves, and when you're leading you can match your follower's tension and then adjust yours gradually and hopefully they follow you. It's a good way to get them to relax for eg. It could be interesting to play with that in conversations. See how far people follow and what you can get away with. And/or converting your intensity in interest in them, such that you see how far you can get in so to speak (ethics apply).

It's also interesting in that it prepares someone for "intensity" rather than just throwing things at them and overwhelming them. Same thing for changes of direction, if you do it too suddenly then they can't follow. It also shows that you uhm, consider them in your plan, in the sense that you account for their needs and inertia instead of just pulling them along. It's a caring thing to do. Of course you can challenge them, but that's imo meant to be a game, a mutual activity rather than steamrolling.

That's the most smileys I've ever seen you use - much flattered.