i've been trying to figure it out, i'm kind of subdued these days... but i remember from the past people used to really "up" what my intensity level etc was like. and it seemed that people thought i was intense, on fire, exciting, blah blah.
the thing is, a lot of that probably had to do with alcohol and socialising and shit. when i'm by myself i'm often kind of half - dead, and hell, even in social situations i can be kind of half-dead. i can have kind of a low or high setting... with no middle ground... although as i get older i'm becoming a little more balanced.
people used to tell me that i was very reactive, and if i didn't like something or such i didn't even have to speak - it was just obvious - and i used to not speak a lot in some circumstances, and otherwise talk a lot...
i'm trying to figure out what made people think i was intense, i think it was because i had energy in reserve, and i kind of held myself back. but when in action i kind of burst energy.... but i used to think that scared people?
the way i see it, i used to stand back... be reserved... be disengaged, but if i engaged with people, acted etc, people could find my energy overwhelming because i wasn't very good at "spreading" my energy and would have a narrow beam of focus which would kind of hop from thing to thing.
and i was also quick to disagree? but even if i didn't disagree, it would seem my disagreement would come out anyway...
this is way harder than it should be.
so... the big question is if i'm sx first or sx second..
i've never really strived to have a high standard of living. i've never wanted to be polished. i prefer to be rough, and i feel more comfortable in "messy" situations.
that said, generally people seem to think i've had an easy life and that i've never really had to struggle? i suppose that means i seem reasonably level somehow? anyway, i kind of have amnesia for difficulties. like, i don't dig into negative experiences and just skim the surface. but if i do get pulled into negative states of mind i'm kind of "got nothing to lose" / "devil may care".
anyone got any ideas or opinions?