There's effectiveness in relationships and effectiveness in... how shall I put it... getting external things done. I am pretty good at the former and strive for the latter. Even when "emotionally disregulated" (learned that term yesterday), I still have habits and tendencies and "well, that's obvious" patterns that allow me to create and maintain beneficial relationships with people at a positive status quo level. This, among other things, contributes to an overall atmosphere of productivity and benefit (things that I value).
For example, I'm running a team and on this team there is some interpersonal conflict. Two people each consider the other a slacker and other less nice terms. One in particular has a strong dislike for the other. However, they both really like and have a fondness for me and because they do they are still getting their respective tasks done, explicitly for my sake. Which means the project is much more likely to succeed at a higher level, benefiting not only those two but everyone else and more.
HOWEVER, I feel I suck at actually consistently doing things myself. (Especially right now.) It takes mental energy and focus for me to get my own large projects done - or some small ones, for that matter. I have to really set myself up for success for it to happen, plan, strategize, write lists, etc. Especially write lists, haha. And it doesn't take much to throw me off. I mean, based on feedback I've received, I'm probably average or even above average when it comes to accomplishing things, but that's more because I want it than I'm competent (IMO). Or, perhaps, my competency is hard-won rather than innate. AND it seems my most visible achievements would not have been possible without my positive relationships.
So that's one part of what I'm thinking.
Then there's the other part:
I see people who are competent at actually doing things, really smart, capable, skilled, and even driven, but they, uh, leave a wake of negativity and upset people behind them. Which then bites them in the rear when they try to achieve things that go beyond brushing your teeth effectively or making a good lunch (i.e. stuff that's purely in one's own personal sphere).
There seems to be this attitude of "people are stupid and I don't care how they feel because it doesn't affect me." Especially when they get grumpy or feel attacked. Empathy is impractical (to them, it seems).
This kind of disturbs me. I see so much potential in them, but then it's like, "Well, there goes that bridge. Now we can't cross that river and get to all the good stuff on the other side." It's not just bad for them and their goals but for all sorts of other people, like the ones that could benefit from them doing stuff.
Occasionally, one of these types of individuals will let me close enough to team up: I indicate how to interact with people (or just do it all myself) and they make implementation decisions. We mutually trust each others' strengths. That's actually the case with another member of my team, who has gained a reputation for making people mad in the community but is playing a very helpful role in my project and has yet to piss anybody off, even on the team.
But more often these types of people seem to brush off my insights into how and why to get along. I'm not sure why they reject me. Because, from my perspective, it's infinitely more productive long-run to have good relationships. And these really capable people could go so much further if everybody wasn't mad at them / disliked them.
- Should this bother me as much as it sometimes does?
- What are some ways I can, um, shake my brand of sense into these people when I need to? (is that even advisable?)
- If you're one of these "people are stupid" people, why?
- If you're a recovered/ing argument-aholic, what changed your perspective?
- Can someone please help me hit my deadlines? I'm way past over my head.